Not Your Average Princess

by Kylee Kosoff

  Chapter 3: Crap! Apparently, I’m a Princess

  A Princess is the girl with the perfect hair,

  Gem-like eyes, and ruby lips.

  She possesses a beautiful singing voice.

  She has a foot size no one else can possibly have. She’s fine with kissing green things like frogs and ogres. Her hair is shiny and suuuuper long. She has a let it go mentality,

  And she has mad skills with a frying pan.

  HOOK

  The streets of the Dark Market were busy with the bustle of drunken sailors, and scheming pirates.

  The sun was shining happily on the small inland of criminals, pirates, and villains. My crew was released for the day, and I had left my ship in the care of trusted hands. I was free to search for the lost princess.

  The Dark Forest was known as a wild settlement or a dangerous environment. It easily had the potential to be dangerous being one of the few places where villains ran rampant; sharks hugged the coast, and the natives were not too friendly. But I had never thought of it as dangerous. If you knew what you were doing, and had a good head on your shoulders, The Dark Forest was no more dangerous than the untamed sea.

  It was hard to imagine that a princess could be hiding in this jumble of rogues. How could she have stayed hidden for so long? And more importantly how was I supposed to find her?

  It had been too long since I had last seen the Dark Forest. It had changed from a poverty, stricken village to a rich, bustling kingdom. It was not quite as profitable as The United States of Happily Ever After, but it had a certain charm that I found highly appealing.

  A girl flitted past me brushing against my arm as she hurried over to a giant. I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off her. I couldn’t see her face, but there was just something so familiar about her...

  “Henri! You got the beans!”

  I froze recognizing the name immediately as she turned to the giant with a lovely smile. “Did you doubt that I would?”

  “I know you don’t like heights too much.”

  Something in the pit of my gut told me that this was the lost princess, but I could scarcely believe it. I had known Henri since she was a small girl. She had been one of my only friends. How had I missed it?

  Her brown hair was wavy with golden locks. Her eyes were a lovely shade of brown that turned copper with the right light, and her grinning lips... I had seen many princesses before, but she looked nothing like them. She had grown up from the little girl that I remembered. Most princesses are so skinny that they would blow away in the wind, but she most definitely was not. She had curves in all of the right places, and it was much too difficult to take my eyes off of her. She was a princess, yet her worn and faded clothes were that of a peasant. Her boots were mismatched. I had never met a princess not adorned in the trendiest fashion, finest dresses, and the gaudiest jewels. But then again, Henri had always hated dresses.

  Every man on the streets had his eyes on her following her every move. Not in a predatory way, it was as if they simply craved the air she breathed. All of the villains loved her. Probably, because she was the only one who saw past their villainy.

  Watching her innocence with hooded eyes, I discerned immediately that she was extremely dangerous to any man who owned a heart. I supposed I was safe since I did not possess one. I was suddenly uncertain at how to accomplish my mission. How would I get her to fall in love with me? For that was the only way.

  Shaking off nerves, I raked my hand through my hair.

  All I had to was get her to fall in love with me? Surely, it couldn’t be that difficult. Once upon a time, I thought of her as my friend, and she had loved me in her own way.

  Grim

  I guess that I’ll just explain what my pen does. It transports me into a place I call Ideas. Every character that a Grim has ever written is in this melting pot. When I am particularly blocked, I can come here and fix my story. One of the things I love about Ideas is that it is always changing.

  One of the most intriguing shifts of this incredible world is the Dark Forest Republic. The villains rebelled against their own role and created their own world with its own rules.

  I understand that you’re naturally curious about my story.

  Well, first you should know that an author hates to talk about unfinished work. Or even just talk about their story. Why? I don’t know for sure. It could be that authors are just very antisocial. We’re shy. Most of us are introverts. And usually when we try to explain our stories out loud we come out sounding as mad as a hatter. But mostly, it’s just really hard for someone who is really good with words on paper to make words spoken out loud flow the same way.

  But I’ll humor you. My story is about a princess. I know it is cliché; that’s part of my problem. Her name is Henri. She’s a princess raised by villains. My story also includes a nefarious pirate. You’ve probably heard of him: Captain Hook.

  You see, I have the depressing job of giving villains happy endings. It’s a terrible occupation really. I never should have accepted it, but now here I am trying to give one of the biggest, baddest pirates out there a happy ending.

  The real problem is trying to figure out how to give the villain a happy ending. The means, if you will.

  But even more difficult is the villain, himself. See, villains don’t exactly like to be saved. They have this complex where they have to be in control. Masters of their own fate or something. Hence, the difficulty.

  I spotted Henri immediately. She was talking to Dwarf, but she wasn’t paying much attention to him. Her eyes were fixed on the impressive form of Captain Hook. Man, is that pirate attractive.

  HENRI

  While Dwarf was thanking me exuberantly, I had the distinct feeling that someone was watching me. I turned subtly to see who it was.

  The man was tall with black hair pulled back into a ponytail, twinkling blue eyes, and stubble on his chin. He resembled a menacing lion stalking prey.

  The most alarming feature was his hand or lack thereof. In its place was a menacing silver hook. His clothes were black and leather, and my first thought was pirate. I had seen pirates almost daily living in the Dark Forest Republic. I had gotten very good at classifying them. This man was clearly dangerous, and he radiated arrogance as all pirates. But this one—he stood apart from the others. The other pirates respected him maybe even feared him.

  I suppose that he was handsome, but I distrusted him immediately. More than distrust, I recognized him instantly. A man of legend, and one of the few villains whose story wasn’t a lie—Captain Hook. There had been a time when I had wanted nothing more than to set sail with him, but that had been very long ago.

  He smirked at me.

  I frowned and turned my full attention back Dwarf.

  “So, you on kitchen duty?”

  “Not tonight, Dad wanted me to meet up with him.”

  “You in trouble?”

  “No, I don’t think so, but my eighteenth birthday is—”

  A huge smile broke out on Dwarf’s face.

  “Please let me plan your party!”

  Nobody could throw a bigger party than a giant. Pun intended. Have you ever seen a giant do puppy dog eyes? You just can’t say no to that face.

  “As long as you don’t go overboard, you can plan a small party.”

  Dwarf enveloped me in a gigantic hug. “You won’t be sorry! Thank you so much!”

  “I should probably track down Dad.”

  “Ok, love ya, little Henri.”

  “Love you too, big Dwarf.”

  I knew that Dad would not be in the tunnels because he hated the dark. So, I started walking toward his orphanage.

  The story that you’ve probably heard is that Rumple Stilskin Smith saved a princess and asked for her firstborn in return. But the real story? Rumple Stilskin Smith and his late wife Anastasia were unable to have children. (Before you ask, she was one of the ugly stepsisters not the Russian princess). After she died, he promised to have the child they had always wanted
. His promise was delayed by a princess who actually didn’t want her baby. However, her reputation would’ve been ruined if that got out, so she lied and ruined Rumple Stilskin’s.

  But he didn’t give up. He built an orphanage in the Dark Forest Republic and became a wealthy merchant. He finally fulfilled his promise through me, but he has always wanted to help more children. Alas, the orphanage has no occupants other than straw and gold.

  I found him at his spinning wheel. Rumple Stilskin Smith is a very respected man in the Dark Forest Republic. He is one of the oldest villains, and a shrewd business man. He has influence and connections in almost all of the Republic.

  He is a relatively tall though usually slouched over his loom. His black hair is now peppered silver, and his green eyes are always spinning with deep thought.

  “Hello, my little rotten apple.”

  “You know I hate that nickname!”

  “You know you love it.”

  I cracked a smile. “So, what’s up?”

  “You’re turning eighteen in a week, but I found you today eighteen years ago.”

  “In limbo if I remember correctly.”

  “There you were, the cutest little baby I’d ever seen, right in between the United States of Happily Ever After and the Dark Forest Republic. The moment I held you in my arms I knew you were mine.”

  “I know the story, Daddy.”

  “But like every story yours is not finished yet. Your story is going to start changing now.”

  “That’s a princess rule, dad. Not a villain rule.”

  “I know, Henri. Do you remember the history lessons I used to tell you?”

  “Yes, not all stories are true.”

  “The story that I have been telling you about yourself was not quite the truth.”

  “Dad?!”

  “You were stolen from your parents when you were just a baby. You had a golden tiara on your head, and you were dressed in a bright blue gown. It was impossible to deny what you were. But I am a villain, and it is forbidden for a villain to cross over to The United States of Happily Ever After. I was unable to return you to your family. So, I kept you as my own.”

  “What are you trying to tell me?”

  “You’re a princess, Henri.”

  Chapter 4: I Got a Dud for a Prince

  “Sometimes your Knight in Shining Armor

  Is just a Retard in Tin-Foil.

  And sometimes

  Your only option is the Bad Guy.” —Author Unknown

  Henri

  A part of me knew that I should ask about my parents—my birth parents—But I couldn’t.

  Rumple Stilskin Smith had raised me, loved me, and put up with the terrible teens. Didn’t that make him my real father?

  I thought it had to.

  I know that you think I should be furious with my dad for lying to me, but I was more concerned with the curse. It was a universal law that every princess had one fatal flaw, and the only chance they had was the prince.

  “What’s my curse?”

  “That is just the dilemma, as far as I am aware, you don’t have a curse.”

  “That’s good?”

  “No, Henri, if you don’t have a curse, you are beyond the fairytale laws.”

  I should probably explain the fairytale laws, huh?

  The Fairytale Laws

  1. The princess or prince is always cursed in one way or another. Preferably the princess as seen in Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and the Little Mermaid the only exception being Beauty and the Beast.

  2. As Renee Ahdieh penned in her novel The Rose and the Dagger, ”A curse is payment for a debt owed—a deal made, however unfairly.” An example of this would be Rapunzel.

  3. There is always a villain. The definition of antagonist is after all an opponent against the hero’s goal. It is very difficult for a villain to ever find a happy ending, but not impossible.

  4. In a fairytale, the ball or dance is the pivotal point in the princess and prince’s relationship as seen in Cinderella and Beauty and the Beast.

  5. There’s always an animal friend. Such as Gus and Jacque from Cinderella, Maximus from Rapunzel, and Mushu from Mulan.

  6. The prince should always save the girl just as Prince Charming saved Cinderella, Beast saved Beauty, and Flynn saved Rapunzel. Though occasionally the princess can save the prince such as Beauty and Beast, Mulan, and Anastasia.

  7. The prince and princess are almost always separated close to the climax wherein they must struggle to be reunited. Just like Beauty and the Beast, Cinderella, and Anastasia.

  8. Before the ending, it must always look as if the bad guy has won. Remember Anastasia, Rapunzel, and Aladdin?

  9. In a fairytale when all looks lost there must always be an act of true love for the prince and princess to overcome all odds. Frozen if you can even count that one or better examples would be Enchanted and Beauty and Beast.

  10. A fairy tale's happily ever after is wrapped up with a wedding and a true love’s kiss. Just like Cinderella, Snow White, and Sleeping Beauty.

  It’s exhausting, isn’t it? Sure, it looks good in a movie, and it’s a great read. But I’m cringing at all the drama, work, and effort it took to just get a stupid guy! I just don’t understand it.

  “What does it mean that the laws don't apply?”

  “Your story is out of balance.”

  “But I have a prince, right?” Say no. Say no. Please say no.

  “You did.”

  “Why did you use past tense?”

  “Your prince drowned in his bath tub trying to save his rubber ducky.” I heard the sarcasm in his voice. “No, of course you don’t have a prince!”

  “I don’t understand why this is bad, Dad. I won’t prick my finger and fall asleep for a hundred years or eat an apple and die. And I won’t have a stupid prince to rescue me.”

  “Exactly, Henri without a curse you won’t have any of that.”

  “So, I've been fine without it.”

  “Henri, this isn’t a joke. You will never find true love. Your story will never be told, and you’ll never have a happily ever after!”

  “Then why don’t you just curse me! You’re a bad guy after all!”

  Dad flinched, and I knew that I had gone too far. “We would never do that, Henri. None of us ever would, and besides as far as I know you do not have a villain.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “How much time do I have?”

  It was universally acknowledged that the princess had a short time to prepare for her curse. (For example, Sleeping Beauty’s parents got rid of the spinning wheels, and put pillows on the hard floors just in case).

  “After your birthday.”

  “Why are you telling me this?”

  “I never wanted to tell you anything about this, but you need to know. Henri, I am telling you about your curse so that you can fight. Your story isn’t written yet, so it can still change. You can change your story.”

  “How?”

  “It could be anything.”

  Chapter 5: A Girl's Heart Can't Be Bought

  Diamonds, pearls, rubies, and glass

  slippers too—

  Roses red and lilacs so blue.

  Do you think me a fool?

  Flattery—silken lies—from a Mule

  Have no hold over me!

  Actions speak louder than words

  “Undying love,” you say.

  Prove it or be on your way!

  Diamonds, pearls, rubies, and glass

  slippers—

  I want something much more

  That touches both of us to our core.

  Hook

  “How may I help you?” Rumple Stilskin’s bored secretary asked.

  “I need an audience with the gold spinner.”

  “Take a card.”

  She handed me a small card with the numbers 192 written in fine gold script.

  I smiled dashingly at the bat faced secretary and waited as 192 people before me me
t with the gold spinner until my name was finally called.

  Rumple Stilskin Smith looked up as I entered the lavish office. A lava-wood desk with gold melted onto the top of the desk was the prominent figure in the room. With crocodile skinned upholstered chairs it was quite villainous. Sitting at his desk Rumple looked more like a lanky stick with bright yellow eyes than the infamous kidnapper.

  “Ah, Captain Hook, how may I be of service?”

  “You think that I would reveal my cards so soon?”

  He chuckled, “Not from you. How have you been my boy?”

  A lump formed in my throat. I had almost forgotten that when my story had taken a turn for the worse that Rumple had taken in an angry seventeen-year-old.

  “Still pirating.” I tried to find my swagger.

  But Rumple only smiled and asked, “How about dinner at my place?”

  Proximity to my goal, I grinned broadly. “Sounds like a plan.”

  GRIM

  Well, this was definitely interesting! Hook wanted my princess. It was obvious in the way he had watched her.

  We authors watch people all the time and become quite proficient in reading them. I’ve been watching him all day.

  He followed Henri to the orphanage. After that he went to Rumple Stilskin’s office. Now he’s going to dinner holding wilted black roses. What did he possibly hope to achieve?