Memory's Edge: Part One

by Gladden, DelSheree

  He had given Gretchen the space she needed to deal with her fears for so long, she had to do the same for him. She tried to trust he would open up to her about whatever was worrying him, but when she saw him staring into empty space, alone with his thoughts, she worried something was wrong. Something about the way he was acting made her feel as though his holding back had nothing to do with her. She had no idea what else it would be about.

  Then at other times, there wasn't even a hint of something troubling him. John would go weeks without looking gloomy at all. They would dance to the radio and snuggle up on the couch to watch a movie, or simply lay with each other on the grass in the backyard under the honeysuckle vines John had insisted on planting because they reminded him of her. Those were the days Gretchen felt life couldn’t possibly get any better for the two of them. They were happy and in love, and she felt confident that would be enough to get them through anything else that came their way.

  Coming home from work on a Friday afternoon in January, Gretchen pulled up to the house and forced herself to push away her brooding thoughts. John wasn’t working over the weekend, which was a rare enough event to call it a special occasion, and she wanted to enjoy their time together. She walked through the door to find John waiting for her as usual. She dropped her bag as he leaned in for a kiss. Gretchen stayed in his arms a few extra seconds, letting his affection revive her after a long day. She honestly didn’t know how she would have survived the work week without John in her life.

  “Hey, beautiful,” John said cheerfully when they finally separated, “you want to go out to La Plata Canyon tomorrow for a hike?”

  “In the snow?” she asked.

  “Jake lent me a couple pairs of snowshoes. He said the canyon is beautiful in the winter.”

  Hiking in the snow was nothing new to Gretchen, being from Colorado, but she was surprised John wanted to go.

  “I thought you would want to relax and hang around here this weekend. It’s the first weekend you haven’t worked in quite a while,” she said.

  Grinning conspiratorially, John pulled Gretchen’s beanie off her head and tossed it onto one of the coat hooks. “I just feel like getting away from the kitchen, I guess.”

  “Okay, if you want to go snowshoeing, then we’ll go. It’s actually a lot of fun.” Well, not everybody thought so, like Gretchen’s mom, but Gretchen certainly did.

  John lifted her off the ground in a hug and kissed Gretchen again. No, she definitely couldn’t survive even a single day without him. His kisses melted away every care she had, plus he smelled like cinnamon rolls. Gretchen’s mouth watered at the scent. She loved John’s cinnamon rolls. They weren’t as good as his blueberry muffins, of course, but they were a close second.

  “What has gotten into you?” Gretchen asked, laughing as he swept her up into his arms and plopped onto the couch with her. “You’re awfully chipper this afternoon. I would never be able to guess you didn’t get back until one o’clock last night from that birthday party you catered if I hadn’t been the one waiting up for you.”

  “Waiting up for me?” John teased. “I came home to find you asleep on the couch with your hand in a bowl of popcorn. I’d hardly call that waiting up.”

  “Yeah, well, I don’t get to sleep in every morning like you do.” Gretchen punctuated that with a kiss before rolling off his lap to reach for the TV remote on the coffee table. She switched it from the cooking channel to the science channel and turned back to John. “There’s going to be a ton of snow in the canyon. I wonder if we’ll be able to get up to the lake with the snowshoes.”

  “Jake seemed to think we could. He said he went up last year in January and made it to the top of Kennebec Pass,” John said.

  “I hope so. I’ve heard it’s beautiful in the snow. We’re supposed to get some snow here next week,” she said. Thinking of the cold seemed to make her more sensitive to the small drafts that blew through the old house. “Have you seen my sweater?”

  “Yeah,” John said, his smile growing suspiciously big, “it’s by the side of the couch.”

  She reached over the arm of the couch to grab it, expecting some kind of trick or surprise, but she saw only the big sweater that used to be John’s lying on top of the basket of throw blankets. Picking it up, she looked back at John questioningly. He tried to smother his smile, but failed miserably. Every time Gretchen looked over at him he was eyeing her like he knew something she didn’t.

  “What’s going on with you today? You’re starting to creep me out,” she said. He was being really weird. He never acted like that. Pranks and surprises really weren’t his style. Desi and Jake, absolutely, but not John.

  “Nothing,” he insisted. “I’m just excited to go hiking tomorrow. We never got to go up to the lake over the summer like you wanted to.”

  Gretchen raised an eyebrow at him. “What are you planning? You’ve been hanging around Jake too much lately. That daredevil is a bad influence.”

  “Jake has nothing to do with anything, and I’m going to tell him you said that,” John said. He wasn't grinning as much as before, but there was still that secretive glint in his eyes. If John was scheming, Gretchen had no doubt Desi and Jake were in on it. Desi loved surprises and Jake loved anything even remotely risky. Surprising Gretchen was definitely risky. She didn’t have a lot of fondness for surprises. Too many awful pranks during school gave her that. She was starting to regret saying yes to the hiking trip.

  “What are you planning, John?”

  He shrugged and kissed her. “You’ll have to wait and see,” he said.

  Yes, she was definitely regretting saying yes to him.

  Chapter Forty

  Icy Serenity

  Driving up La Plata canyon Saturday morning, John and Gretchen had their windows rolled down as they enjoyed the warm breezes. It was mid-January, but the day was beautiful, up in the sixties. Desi said this happened almost every year, a glimpse of spring weather in the dead of winter. Gretchen didn’t know what caused it, but it was a perfect day to be in the mountains enjoying the snowy wonderland. She felt at home in the mountains. Coming up to La Plata made her miss her childhood home a little less.

  It was a slow climb up the canyon. Gretchen’s new SUV had pretty good clearance and snow chains, but it barely made it up Kennebec Pass. John pulled to the side near a sign that pointed to the trail leading to the lake. He still didn’t have an official driver’s license, but driving turned out to be one of those functional memories that jumped back out as soon as he tried putting it to use. Riding his bike around town just wasn't going to work, so he took Gretchen’s old car when she didn’t need it, despite her offer that he us the SUV to haul his supplies.

  “I guess we hike the rest of the way,” John said as he shifted into park.

  Despite John’s weird behavior the night before, Gretchen woke that morning excited to get out of the house. She wasn't overly athletic as far as organized sports were concerned, but she had grown up traipsing around the forests of Colorado with Millie. Their dad loved to hike and camp, and having two little girls to go with never seemed to bother him at all. He was just as happy to try and teach Gretchen and her sister how to fish and camp just as he would have done with two sons. Walking through the pine and aspen was comforting.

  Hopping out of the truck, she dropped her snowshoes on the ground beside her and tried to get them buckled onto to her feet. Gretchen’s bulky coat and gloves kept getting in the way so she took her parka and gloves off and set them on the seat next to her sweater. It wasn’t cold enough to wear either. Gretchen knew she would need them later, though. It took a few minutes to get her snowshoes strapped on, but eventually she got all the latches secured.

  Gretchen grabbed her coat and gloves and stuffed them into her backpack. John was still getting everything he needed into his pack as well. After a few minutes, he slung his pack onto his shoulder with a smile and grabbed her hand. Walking with the awkward snowshoes strapped to their feet was a little tricky at
first. Gretchen hadn’t used snow shoes in years, and if John ever had, it certainly wasn't helping him. They stumbled and kicked each other for a while before they both got the hang of it.

  “I love it up here,” she said as they walked.

  “I do to. I like how peaceful it is in the mountains. Quiet, too,” he said. “I love catering, but it gets so loud in the kitchen sometimes with everyone rushing around. I can barely think when it gets like that.”

  “How are your new servers working out?” Gretchen asked.

  John nodded. “They’re doing well. They make the big jobs a lot better. Neither of them are as good as Jeremy was, but they’ll learn. Jeremy and I were finally getting things going pretty well before he left for college. I told him he was welcome to come back and work for me next summer.”

  “Well, I’m glad Ethan and Melissa are making things easier on you,” Gretchen said. Jeremy was one of Gretchen’s students who had graduated the previous May. He’d been John’s shadow all summer. Melissa was one of Melanie’s relatives, and been excited to replace Jeremy when he left for Lac Cruses. Ethan had responded to an add John put in the paper. Gretchen had only met them a couple of times, but they seemed nice. Thinking about Melanie’s relatives reminded Gretchen about something she had been wanting an answer to since Mel’s wedding.

  “How come you never offered Clara a job?” she asked. “She was obviously the best one on your crew at Mel’s wedding.” Then she looked up at John to catch his reaction. It was the same one he’d had the first time Gretchen had mentioned hiring Clara, embarrassed silence.

  “What’s the deal with Clara? You turned bright red the first time I mentioned her. Did something happen at the wedding?” Mel had made a comment about having her brother keep an eye on Clara. Gretchen had passed it off as nothing at the time, but now she wondered. Was there something wrong with her?

  John still hadn’t said anything.

  “John?”

  “It was nothing.”

  Gretchen cocked her head to the side in doubt and waited. John fidgeted under her gaze.

  “She tried to come onto me, but I politely told her I wasn't interested,” John said quickly.

  “What? She came onto you? She’s just a kid. What was she, fifteen maybe?”

  “Sixteen, actually. And that girl was hardly a kid. The way she talked…well her parents better keep a close eye on her,” John said.

  Gretchen assumed that was why Mel wanted her brother to watch over Clara. He obviously didn’t do a very good job if Clara felt comfortable enough to try and seduce an older man in the middle of her aunt’s wedding reception. Gretchen tried to picture John trying to chase away a determined teenager and couldn’t help but want to laugh. Although, she also wanted to find Clara and swat the little twit.

  Occasionally, Gretchen accompanied John on his catering jobs. John was handsome, charming, and for those who knew his story, mysterious. Gretchen would have been surprised if women didn’t hit on him. She had seen it happen a couple times, and watched John always give the same response, polite refusal. He did it with amazing grace. The spurned woman always walked away smiling. But they were all adults who wouldn’t dream of embarrassing themselves by making a scene. A hormonal teenage girl hell-bent on causing trouble wouldn’t have the same inhibitions.

  “Well, I guess it’s a good thing you didn’t hire her then,” she said.

  “Probably,” John laughed.

  They walked in silence for some time before the trees began to thin. John put his hands on the straps of the backpack he was carrying and pulled it a little tighter, as if he were afraid of losing it. They had gone quite a ways already, but John still looked as excited as when they had first set out. What on earth is he up to? Gretchen wondered.

  Glancing around through the trees, she half expected Desi and Jake to jump out and try to throw her in the lake. All she saw were the pine boughs dancing in the breeze with an occasional bird or squirrel disturbing them.

  Whatever it was, John was practically jogging up the trail to get to it. Gretchen had to step quickly—which wasn't easy in snow shoes—in order to keep up with him. They reached the end of the trail and turned off onto the path leading to the lake, and Gretchen hoped that meant getting a break from their fast pace. John thankfully slowed down some as he took her hand in his, but still obviously wanted to get to the lake rather than enjoy the scenery. Shaking her head, Gretchen followed behind and hoped it wasn’t anything too weird. She had no doubt Desi and Jake were behind this, and they loved weird.

  Cresting the last small hill on the path, the beautiful frozen alpine lake spread out before them. Its icy serenity was enough to finally slow John to a halt. Huge drifts of snow gathered around the edges of the valley. The area around the lake, made to look much smaller by the encroaching snow, was relatively open, leaving a few places where they could set up their lunch. It was beautiful.

  “Wow,” John said quietly, “this place is amazing.”

  They stood there a while longer before John led Gretchen down the slope to the edge of the lake. He glanced around the valley and decided on an area that had been sheltered from a lot of the snowfall by a row of trees. John flattened out the lumps of snow that had formed and started laying out their lunch. First, an old blanket he and Gretchen liked to lay on in the backyard, then the dishes and food. Chicken salad sandwiches on fresh rolls with John’s delicious fruit salad, which included blueberries, of course. Two of Gretchen’s favorites. She loved how well he knew her.

  John asked Gretchen about growing up in Colorado as they ate, and whether she ever wanted to go back, which she still wasn't sure about. That morphed into a conversation about all the places she’d been hiking as a child and teenager, then settled on what they wanted to do to the backyard in the spring. They talked about the future.

  It felt wonderful to Gretchen not to think about school or catering. Even though it had only been a few short, but grueling months, it felt as though it had been years since the last time they’d been able to sit down and really relax with each other. Lying in the pale sun together, Gretchen had no fears. They had already been through so much, and she was beginning to think that whatever else popped up, they would be able to survive that, too.

  It was a good feeling.

  Rustling the trees as it came, a cold wind blew across the lake. Gretchen shivered and huddled closer to John. He wrapped her up in his arms, but she was still cold. Sitting up, she grabbed her backpack and looked inside for her sweater, but didn’t see it. She didn’t want to get out her parka yet because its thickness it got in the way. Sighing, Gretchen put her head back down on John’s chest.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “I think I left my sweater in the car,” she said.

  John’s muscles tensed, a smile spreading across his lips. Gretchen was cold. How was that funny? Sometimes she really didn’t get him. That day especially.

  “Your sweater’s in my pack,” he said. “I’ll get it for it you.”

  “Oh,” Gretchen said, “thanks.”

  John grabbed her sweater out of the pack, but didn’t give it to her right away. Holding it in his hands, he looked down at the sweater as though its threads were incredibly thought provoking.

  “Do you remember when you asked me if you could have this?” he asked.

  “Yeah,” Gretchen said, “of course.”

  “Do you remember the deal we made?”

  She smiled. “You said I could have your sweater if you could have something of mine. But you never told me what you wanted.”

  “I know what I want from you now,” John said seriously.

  Was that what the whole trip was about? It seemed odd, since Gretchen really didn’t have anything with her John would want, but she wanted to at least hear what the sweater she treasured had cost her.

  “What do you want then?” she asked.

  “Your hand,” he said.

  Gretchen’s nose wrinkled in confusion. “What?”


  John reached into his pocket and took something out, but closed his first around it, blocking her view. “Your hand in marriage,” he said. Then he opened his hand and held up a beautiful diamond engagement ring. Gretchen wasn't cold any more.

  “Gretchen, will you marry me?”

  Chapter Forty-One

  Blueberries and Desire

  Gretchen always froze when she was surprised, so her silence didn’t bother John. Well, not too much. His heart was racing as he held the ring out to her, waiting for her to take it. Barely enough time passed for her to take one breath before she reached out for the ring. It was just a slight touch at first, as if she had to make sure it was real, but then she took it carefully and slipped it onto her finger. All without saying a word.

  “So, is that a yes?” John whispered.

  Gretchen snapped out of her trance and looked up at him. “Yes,” she whispered, “of course it’s a yes. Yes!”

  Letting out a huge sigh of relief, John grabbed Gretchen’s face and kissed her fiercely. She responded, pulling herself into his lap and kissing him like she had never done before. The world around John seemed to explode with sounds as every one of his senses intensified at Gretchen’s touch. His fingers touched her bare skin, feeling her pulse racing beneath the surface. Her lips tasted like blueberries and desire. John felt as if he had never truly met Gretchen before that moment.

  When she pulled away, it was only to smother him in a hug that pushed John back onto the blanket. He held onto her. He didn’t think he could have let her go even if she had asked him to. Time swirled around them, but couldn’t actually touch them as they held each other in the snow.

  Rolling so Gretchen was lying on the blanket beneath him, John stared into her tear-filled eyes. The edges of his vision tried to blur on him, signaling another memory, but he pressed his eyes shut and desperately forced it away. Squeezing Gretchen tightly, John hid his panic from her, hoping she would think his thudding heart and quick breathing were due purely to her. John’s eyes clouded as the memory tried to press through his mind. He did not want to see that memory. When one popped up, it was always eerily similar to whatever he was doing at the moment. Pain sprung up behind his eyes as he held off the memory. That one had to stay hidden.