Memory's Edge: Part One

by Gladden, DelSheree

  Part of John was dying to see it, but he wouldn’t let the memory woman ruin this moment for him. Slowly, the pain and blurriness faded. Opening his eyes in relief, John imprinted Gretchen’s beauty on his mind. Her golden hair, fanned out on the blanket, created a halo around her angelic face. She was laughing and crying at the same time, but she didn’t bother to wipe away her tears. So John did it for her. Brushing his finger against her cheeks, he kissed each of her eyelids as her tears vanished.

  “I love you so much,” John whispered. “I owe you my life and I promise to spend every minute of it loving you and making you happy.”

  “You already have,” Gretchen said.

  Slowly, they sat up on the blanket and Gretchen held her ring up to really look at it in the warm mountain sunlight.

  “It’s beautiful,” she said.

  “Desi helped me pick it out,” John admitted. “I hope you don’t mind.”

  “I love it.”

  He had tried to pick one out on his own, but staring at rows of jewelry had frozen him like he hadn’t expected. Gretchen didn’t wear a lot of jewelry, the few pieces she did have were family heirlooms she wore only for special occasions, so trying to decide between cuts and carats, sets or singles, had quickly overwhelmed him.

  That was when John called Desi. It took her all of ten minutes to pick out the perfect ring. The perfect half carat, round diamond in a solitaire setting looked amazing on Gretchen’s finger. More beautiful, though, was Gretchen’s smile. For the first time since John had known her, he couldn’t see the lingering pain in her eyes leftover from Steve’s betrayal.

  For the first time, he really felt as though Gretchen were his to love wholeheartedly.

  He had been planning his proposal since their trip to Albuquerque. That night after they went swimming, they had walked back to their room together, and the whole time John had been wondering what she would do. Would she find another reason to keep them separated, or would she finally trust him enough to give him the chance to show her how much he loved and respected her? Even as they got ready for bed, John kept expecting her say she needed to talk to Desi or get something out of the car.

  But she didn’t. John could still feel his heart beating every time he thought about the moment he nestled against her and she didn’t pull away from him. That moment was one John knew he would never forget, but this moment dwarfed the other by miles.

  “I can’t wait to tell my parents,” Gretchen said. “My mom’s going to want to know every detail. She’s going to want to help plan.” Gretchen groaned. “Maybe I shouldn’t tell my mom. I could always just call her a couple days before and have her fly down at the last minute. Then we wouldn’t have to deal with her.”

  “What’s so bad about your mom wanting to help?”

  “Ask Millie about that. Or dad. Or anyone involved in Millie’s wedding,” Gretchen said. “We were all pretty sure Millie was going to strangle Mom before she actually walked down the aisle. Mom likes to take over everything and do it her way. If we don’t start out having any plans, she’ll try to make them all herself.”

  Lying down on his side, John pulled Gretchen down next to him, tangling their legs together on the blanket. “Then we’ll just have to make some plans, then, won’t we?” Kissing her gently, John stroked her hair slowly. “When do you want to get married, Gretchen? I’d vote for tomorrow, but that might just be me.”

  Gretchen ignored his teasing and stared at her ring. “We’re really going to do this, aren’t we? We’re going to get married,” she whispered. Looking up at him, Gretchen studied John’s face. “Did you have any idea we would end up here when you woke up in the hospital?”

  “When I woke up, I had no idea what was going to happen to me, but I knew I wanted to be with you. Whatever else happened, if you were with me, I was sure things would turn out all right,” John said.

  “I was scared to death when I first brought you home,” Gretchen said.

  John laughed. She had been the one to talk him into moving in with her. “Why were you scared? I could barely even move around on my own. Did you think I was going to hurt you?”

  Shaking her head, she looked down at her hands. She was still touching her ring almost reverently. “I was afraid of falling in love with you.”

  “Really?” John asked.

  “I told myself over and over again that I was only taking you in because you needed someone to help you, but I knew it wasn't true. I felt something when I was with you in the hospital and I wanted to find out what it was,” she said. “I knew I was just setting myself up to be hurt again, but I couldn’t stop myself from taking the risk.”

  “Well, I’m glad you did,” John said as he kissed her lips.

  She smiled, and said, “Well, I’m just glad you didn’t turn out to be a psychotic killer. Carl never would have let me live it down if you had been.”

  “If I had been, I don’t think you would have been around to have Carl make fun of you,” he pointed out.

  Gretchen laughed as she touched her ring. John loved how she couldn’t seem to stop touching it. It was as if she had to keep reminding herself it was still there. Didn’t she realize he was the one getting the best end of the deal? All she got was a sweater, but John got her. And he would never let her go.

  “The beginning of April,” Gretchen said suddenly, “that’s when I want to get married.”

  “April? Why April?” John asked. He would marry her whenever she wanted him to, but he was curious about her choice.

  “Because it will be one year after your accident then,” she said. “Dr. Sanchez said that if you didn’t recover your memory within a year, then you never would. I think we should wait until the year’s up, just to be sure.”

  John’s breath seemed to fail him then. His heart and lungs seized and held him in their grasp. It took a few seconds to recover, but eventually he managed to say, “April sounds perfect.”

  April. It was only two and a half months away. If John could stall any more memories from popping up until April, then there would be no going back. Whatever he remembered later, he would already be married to Gretchen. She still didn’t know about the memories. He had considered telling her about them a dozen times, but now he never would.

  If Gretchen found out he was remembering things about his past, she would never agree to marry him.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Wait

  John hated eating fast food. It wasn't so much a health thing as much as a taste thing. No matter how good the fast food, he always felt he could have done it better. It was the curse of being a chef, he supposed. Normally, John would have wanted to cook something for Gretchen, but they were both so exhausted and hungry after making it back down the mountain that he gave in and let Gretchen convince him to get takeout.

  They decided to go with Chinese food. John hadn’t explored Asian cuisine much, so maybe he wouldn’t be too disappointed. It wasn’t much of an engagement dinner, but they were too tired to care at that point. Tired physically from the hike, and emotionally exhausted from the anticipation and then the excitement from Gretchen’s parents when they called to tell them, they both crashed on the couch with their steaming dinner as soon as they got home. As John ate his sesame chicken and egg rolls, he was actually surprised by how much he liked it.

  Dropping his empty takeout container on the coffee table, he leaned back into the couch and slipped his arm around Gretchen’s shoulders. She had already finished eating and immediately snuggled up against him. Taking her left hand in his, John watched her ring sparkle in the flickering lights of the TV.

  Gretchen noticed John staring at her hand and looked up at him. “Does it feel weird to you, being engaged?” she asked.

  “No,” he said, “it feels right.”

  She leaned her head up to kiss him, but the doorbell rang before she could reach him. And then it rang again. And again.

  “That’s got to be Desi,” John said. “I told her I was going to propose to you
today.”

  Shaking her head, Gretchen kissed John before moving to answer the door.

  “You better hurry up,” he said. “It sounds like she’s about to explode with excitement.”

  Gretchen bounded over to the door and John got up as well. He made it halfway across the room before he heard Desi squeal with glee. He rounded the corner to see her hugging Gretchen nearly to death. Jake stood to the side with a grin as he watched the girls pour out their excitement.

  Reaching out, Jake clapped John on the back with a nod. “Congratulations, man.”

  “Thanks, Jake.” Then John leaned a little closer to him, and said, “You realize, of course, that Desi is going to expect her own ring now.”

  All the color drained from Jake’s face. John laughed and patted him on the back.

  “Just kidding, man.” He smiled, but he still looked a little pale. John really wasn't kidding, anyway.

  Jake might have almost passed out at the mention of marriage, but he beamed when Desi finally let go of Gretchen and wrapped her arms around him. He was absolutely besotted with her. John had a feeling he would be ring shopping a lot sooner than he expected. Hopefully he would come to John for advice when he did. Desi already had her ring picked out and made John promise to guide Jake to the right one when he finally decided to man up and propose to her.

  Caught up in Desi’s excitement, Jake was grinning like an idiot as he checked out Gretchen’s ring. Yeah, he wouldn’t last nearly as long as he thought he would.

  “I’m so excited for you guys,” Desi said. “Did you guys think about a date yet?”

  “The first weekend of April,” Gretchen said.

  Immediately pulling out her cell phone, Desi brought up her calendar. “What day of the week? Saturday?” Gretchen nodded. “So, the third.” She typed something into her phone and closed it with a flourish.

  April third. That was the day they were going to get married. John could feel himself smiling. He probably looked as stupid as Jake did, but he didn’t care. He just had to keep the memories hidden until April third.

  “You have no idea how hard it was not telling you about the ring, Gretchen,” Desi said dramatically. “I seriously had to avoid your calls because I wanted to tell you so bad.”

  “I was wondering why it was suddenly so hard to get a hold of you,” Gretchen said as she laughed. “I was beginning to think you’d given up on me because I’ve been so busy lately.”

  Shaking her head, Desi pulled her best friend into another hug. She released her, but still held onto Gretchen’s shoulders, looking terribly serious. “We have a lot of work to do if you want to get married in two and a half months. Are you going to call the hall Mel and Eric used? Because that’s really the best one in town. John, we’ll have to start getting your menu planned out and make sure your assistants can handle everything without you.”

  She blew out a breath and smiled excitedly at her friends. “You guys don’t want to talk about this now. Gretchen, call me tomorrow and we’ll get together and start planning. You two enjoy the rest of your night,” she said as she grabbed Jake and started bustling him to the door.

  A few seconds later, the whirlwind that was Desi disappeared, and John and Gretchen were left standing in the entryway staring at the door.

  “And you thought your mom was going to be bad,” John said.

  Tiptoeing over to him with a smile to match Desi’s, Gretchen slipped her arms around his waist and kissed him. “We’re getting married,” she whispered excitedly.

  “Yes, we are,” John whispered back.

  She kissed him again, deeper this time, more passionately. Stealing all the tiredness out of him, Gretchen ran her hands up his chest slowly. Her fingers pressed against his sweater as she lifted onto her toes and kissed his neck. John’s whole body felt numb except for the places where she touched him. Wherever their bodies met, fire coursed through his skin.

  Tightening his arms around her, John pressed her against him, wanting the heat of her body to consume him. Backed up against the wall, he couldn’t go anywhere, and could barely even think to move, but as Gretchen's hands gently pushed to turn him, he followed her direction willingly. He knew they were walking, but all John could see were Gretchen’s fiery eyes, and all he could hear was her breath pulsing in and out.

  Running his hands up and down her body as he kissed her, John barely even noticed when she pulled him onto the bed with her. Her fingers slipped under his sweater, sending an electric charge up his spine. Then her hands ran up his chest again, pulling John’s sweater off as she went. For a brief moment, John wasn't touching her as he tossed the sweater aside, but then he was back kissing her skin, feeling her breath against his neck as he tried to kiss her shoulder. Her own shirt was getting in the way.

  Sitting back, John stared at the bare skin of her stomach that had been exposed. Hesitantly, he touched her. Gretchen’s back arched with pleasure and he moved his hands up, determined to see the sweatshirt dropped on the floor.

  John wanted to reach down and press his lips against her smooth skin, but a ripple in his vision froze him. He tried to blink it away, but it was too late. Gretchen’s green sweatshirt was gone, replace by pink lace. No, John begged. Go away. Please go away.

  The memory had no ears. John’s mind followed the trail of pink lace up to the dark haired beauty that lived in his mind. Pleasure, desire, love, they were all etched on her face as she reached up and touched his cheek. She smiled and melted away, leaving him staring at a confused Gretchen.

  “John,” she said, “what’s wrong?”

  He couldn’t tell her. There was no way he could tell her. Falling to the side, John laid down next to her. Gretchen immediately rolled onto her side and stared at him. “John, what happened?”

  “I…don’t think I can do this right now,” he said. It killed him to say it, but there was no way he could keep going. Not with that woman in his head. Not before it was too late to go back.

  Gretchen’s eyes filled with tears, and she asked, “Why?”

  Her obvious hurt feelings stabbed John in the gut. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her against his chest. She thought it was her fault. John’s heart begged him to give her some explanation. He couldn’t hurt her. He couldn’t leave her feeling like Steve always had, not good enough.

  “Gretchen, please don’t cry. This has nothing to do with you,” John said. “I want you…very badly right now.”

  “Then why?” she asked as she tried to hold back tears.

  He had to give her something, but he couldn’t lie to her. So he gave her a version of the truth, one he hoped she would understand.

  “I’m afraid, Gretchen. What you said about waiting until the year was up to get married, it scared me. I don’t want to risk hurting you. It might not make sense, but I think we should wait until after the wedding,” he said. By then, even if this memory woman for some reason decided to look for him, it would be too late to even think about going back to her.

  “Do you really think you’ll get your memory back before the wedding, John? When you haven’t even had a single memory return so far?” she asked. She had stopped crying, but she didn’t understand what he was saying very well.

  “I might get my memory back, or what if someone from my old life finally finds me?” He sighed. It didn’t sound like a very good argument without telling her about the memories. “I know neither one is very likely, but it bothers me that it’s still possible.”

  “But, I don’t understand what that has to do with this,” Gretchen asked. “I mean, you’ve been very patient with me, so I won’t argue with you about it, but I want to understand.”

  “I would never leave you if I had the choice, Gretchen, but if for some reason I had to, I think it would hurt me too badly to leave you after this. I think it would hurt you, too. That’s a risk I’m not willing to take,” John said. “I refuse to be another Steve to you.”

  “You could never be another Steve to me,” Gretchen said. “E
ven if you had to leave, every memory I have of you is one I’ll treasure for the rest of my life.”

  “Even when I got mad at you about Carl?” he asked with a smile.

  “Even that one. Because I know you were only upset because of how much you loved me.” She kissed him then and touched his cheek with her soft fingers. “I’m not sure I understand what you’re feeling completely, but that’s okay. I don’t think you would ever leave me, for anything, but I can understand why it scares you. If you want to wait, we’ll wait.”

  Falling onto his back, John slid his arm under her head and brought Gretchen up against his side, feeling incredibly relieved and frustrated at the same time. “Thank you, Gretchen. I love you.”

  “I love you, too,” she said. Then she grinned and gave him a quick peck on the cheek. “And the fact that I love you so much is just about the only that’s going to keep me off of you before the wedding.”

  John rolled over and pinned her to the bed. “As soon as things get too serious, I’ll just start calling you Gigi, okay? That should kill the mood pretty quickly.”

  “I don’t know,” Gretchen teased, “you did a pretty good job convincing me Gigi wasn’t so bad. That might just make things worse.”

  “Okay, then I’ll call you Gretch.”

  “That would definitely kill the mood. You’ll never convince me not to hate that one,” she said.

  Leaning down, John kissed her lips lightly. “Thank you,” he whispered.

  She smiled and pulled him down to lay beside her.

  In his heart, John believed he would never leave Gretchen, not for anything, but every memory of the dark haired woman he recovered were so filled with love and passion, he was terrified that if she did show up he would remember her in an instant and not be able to stay away from her. If he loved this other woman as much as he did Gretchen, and all those memories came flooding back at the sight of her, what would he do?