The Angry Birds Movie 2

by Heather Nuhfer

  “Okay, you know what?” Zeta said, “I’m doing that thing again. That thing where I’m not quite sure I heard what I think I heard.” She turned and shouted across the room to one of the eagle guards, Carl. “Hey, skinny sassy face, did you hear ‘two weeks’ or ‘tomorrow’?”

  Carl hesitated. “Oh, uh, I heard tomorrow!”

  “Fat dude, what did you hear?” Zeta asked another eagle guard, named Jerry.

  “Definitely the thing that you said,” Jerry answered, looking around nervously.

  “Okay. You know what I’m gonna do?” Zeta said menacingly to Glenn. “I’m gonna call my old engineer, Steve.” She walked over to a phone on the wall and dialed.

  Down in Zeta’s torture chamber, a phone in Steve’s lab coat pocket began to ring. But Steve wouldn’t be answering the phone. Because all that was left of Steve was his skeleton.

  “Oh yeah! He’s dead!” Zeta remembered, her face darkening. “So . . . what was that you said to me?” she asked Glenn.

  “Uh . . . tomorrow,” Glenn answered.

  “Oh great! That’s what I thought you said,” Zeta beamed. “See? Everybody’s happy now.”

  Deep beneath the ocean, the heist crew was hard at work in their submarine. Red was sitting alone, deeply involved in planning. Across from him sat the rest of the team. To say they weren’t so deeply involved would be an understatement. Chuck and Silver were playing a hand-slapping game and singing a rhyme:

  DOWN ON THE BANKS OF THE HANKY PANK

  THE BULLFROGS JUMP FROM BANK TO BANK

  SINGING E-I-O-U

  YOUR MAMA STANK AND SO DO YOU!

  “You gotta keep it down, okay? I’m over here strategizing,” Red said, annoyed at their childish behavior.

  Silver and Chuck didn’t seem to hear him. In fact, they got louder.

  “Hey, guys! Guys! Gu—”

  GONNA ASK YOUR TEACHER WHAT TO WEAR,

  POLKA-DOTTED UNDERWEAR

  GONNA EYELID PAT AND THEN DO THAT

  EH! EH! EH! EH!

  Silver and Chuck were batting their eyelashes together. It was the last straw for Red, who got up from his seat and into their faces.

  “No! No! There is seriously something wrong with you two!”

  A chime sound from the speaker system got everyone’s attention. Leonard and Courtney entered the mess area from behind a curtain.

  “Ladies and gentlemen!” Leonard bellowed, “I’d like to introduce you to our master of gadgetry . . .”

  “Garry!” Leonard and Courtney cheered in unison.

  A sliding door opened dramatically only to reveal a disheveled hipster piggy.

  “This is the ‘amazing team’ I’ve been working around the clock for?” Garry said, unimpressed.

  “Working with what we got,” Leonard chuckled.

  “That’s sort of disappointing,” Garry replied. “This is the part where you get up and follow me,” he added flatly.

  The team did as they were told and followed Garry onto the gadget lab. The gadget lab was massive and filled to the brim with fascinating inventions. Everywhere they looked, piggy scientists in lab coats were working inside glassed-in laboratories.

  “All the gadgets you’ll see have been designed specifically with your mission in mind,” Garry explained as they walked through the lab. They stopped in front of a briefcase. “The first being InvisiSpray!” Garry flung open the briefcase, revealing a spray can. “Need to go undetected in plain sight?” he asked as he sprayed a piggy lab assistant from head to hoof. In the blink of an eye, the piggy lab assistant had disappeared. All that was left were his goggles floating where his eyes should have been. “InvisiSpray does exactly that.”

  “How long does the invisibility last for?” Red wanted to know.

  “Forever,” Garry said, causing everyone else to look at each other uncomfortably.

  “What does the next gadget do? Bury us alive?”

  “Even better. Check this out—” Garry went to show them the next gadget but stopped when he saw Chuck and Bomb, who were lathering themselves up with what looked like soap. “What are you two doing?” he asked, a hint of irritation in his voice.

  Chuck giggled. “What is this stuff? It’s fun!”

  “Oh, that’s a special type of flame retardant called Pig Snot,” Garry answered.

  Chuck and Bomb froze in place, too grossed out to move. At least for a moment. Bomb couldn’t resist sneaking a taste of the Pig Snot from the tip of his finger while the others watched in disgust. Silver had to cover her mouth to keep from puking.

  “And moving right along,” Garry said, “The Everything-Ever Pocketknife!” It was several feet taller than Garry himself. “It literally has everything you could possibly need.”

  “Does it have a radio transmitter?” Mighty Eagle asked.

  “Yes.”

  “Infrared camera?” wondered Chuck.

  “Yes.”

  “Emergency quesadilla?” Bomb quizzed.

  “Yes! The Everything-Ever Pocketknife has everything!”

  “Um . . . question,” Silver joined in. “How would that fit in a pocket?”

  Garry shot Silver a death glare and shoved the knife’s leash into his pocket. “Like this. Satisfied?” he gruffed. “Now, everyone prepare yourselves, ’cause this next one is really something special.”

  Garry led them to a golden object that was resting upon a pedestal. It glowed in its very own spotlight.

  “Yes, my friends. Bold yet sleek. Simple while complex. This device can detect an eagle anywhere within a one-hundred-foot radius. Simply push this button and it does the rest,” Garry said while pressing the device’s button.

  The device hissed open and began to shout: There’s an eagle nearby! There’s an eagle nearby! There’s an eagle nearby! in an irritating high-pitched squawk. It was so loud that the heist crew could barely stand it.

  “Why yes, clearly, there is.” Garry continued. “This clever little thing will no doubt prove to be a crucial tool during your mission.”

  “Wonderful. Amazing!” Red shouted over the device. “Can we turn it off now?”

  “Actually, it will turn itself off,” Garry paused proudly. “One hour after it doesn’t detect any more eagles.”

  “What?!” Red yelled. He was about to have a major meltdown. Frantically grabbing the device from Garry, Red took aim to smash it against the wall.

  Silver quickly snatched it from Red and effortlessly unscrewed a plate on the surface of the device. With a flick of her wing, Silver yanked out a tiny computer chip, and the device powered down. “There.”

  “Oh, uh, thank you,” Red said gratefully.

  Their eyes met for a long moment before Red turned back to Garry.

  “Okay, guys, these gadgets are terrible—” Red started to complain, but Silver pulled him aside.

  “Hey, Red, can we chat for a sec?” she asked. “I can tell you’re used to running the show, and that’s totally great and all. But maybe since we’re all a team here, a team you put together, maybe you can try to be more supportive. The results might surprise you.”

  “Fine. Fine,” Red conceded.

  Red and Silver walked back to the group and tried to give Garry the benefit of the doubt.

  “Garry! Woo! Unbelievable,” Red said, with more than a trace of sarcasm. “Really, really good stuff. You know, I’m sure you can figure out a plan to use all this awesomeness that you—”

  Before Red could finish, he was cut off by Chuck, who had found a laser pointer and was wielding it excitedly, as if it were a lightsaber.

  “Oh my gosh!” Chuck bubbled. “Are these laser pointers?”

  “Hey, I . . .” Red tried to get them back on track, but it was too late. Chuck’s laser pointer had burned a hole in the side of the submarine! Water began gushing in, filling up the sub.

  “Uh-oh,” Chuck whimpered.

  “Are we gonna sink?” Red asked Leonard.

  “It’s possible,” Leonard said, his head barely abov
e the water.

  “How are we ever gonna get up there?” Zoe whimpered, and then began to cry. The eggs were still lodged deep in the clouds above their raft. “I want my unborn sisters back! It’s just the eggs are up there, and we’re down here . . .”

  An idea stuck Sam-Sam and Vivi. In a flash, Sam-Sam grabbed Zoe’s beak and blew into it, which caused Zoe to inflate like a balloon! The two other hatchlings grabbed on to her as they floated into the sky. As they ascended, they spotted one of the eggs. Together, Sam-Sam and Vivi tried to grab the egg, but they couldn’t quite reach it before they passed by. Higher and higher they went in the clouds, and Sam-Sam knew they were in trouble.

  “Uh-oh . . . Quick! Let some air out!” Sam-Sam instructed Vivi.

  Vivi did her best, but they had tied a knot around Zoe’s beak to keep the air in. The knot was too tight, and Vivi could not get it untied!

  “Ahhh!” Sam-Sam screamed.

  “What?” Vivi turned to see what had upset Sam-Sam. “What’s the prob-prob-prob—” she stammered as she saw exactly what Sam-Sam had screamed about. They were no longer in the clouds; they had gone so far up into the sky that they were now among the stars!

  “Ahhh!” they all screamed.

  The hatchlings floated through the wonders of space: past Saturn, some craterous asteroids, and even a satellite. One of the satellite’s metal legs snagged on Zoe’s mouth tie, finally setting her beak free! But, unfortunately, it also let out all the air that was keeping them afloat. The force of the air leaving Zoe’s mouth sent the trio bouncing around the stars! A hard bump against the satellite sent them plummeting back toward Earth. On their speedy descent, they zoomed through the clouds. The hatchlings just barely managed to snatch up the lost eggs as they passed them.

  Hurled to the ground, the trio crashed onto a deserted island. Luckily their eggs had a softer landing. They bounced through the top of some palm trees and rolled gently into some soft shrubbery. After dusting themselves off, the hatchlings rushed after the eggs but found them resting in a not-so-safe place.

  “A boa constrictor!” Zoe gasped when she saw all three eggs were resting on the coiled snake’s skin.

  Leonard’s submarine emerged from the icy water outside of Eagle Island. It was time for the moment that the heist team had been waiting for. It was time to begin their mission.

  The first step in Red’s plan was to sneak onto Eagle Island undetected. Out of the hatch on the top of the submarine, the heist crew emerged. They were all decked out in snowsuits to protect them from the subzero conditions—and they were sure they looked really cool. Ready to strut down the ramp and onto the beach, Red took his first steps but accidentally slipped on some water and fell all the way down the ramp. The pigs started to laugh, only to stop when Garry also slipped! He grabbed on to Leonard in an effort to stop his fall but just ended up pulling Leonard along with him. Bomb joined in, sliding down the ramp on his feet. Even Chuck couldn’t keep his footing and went tail over breast, knocking Silver down the ramp along with him. Courtney shook her head and purposefully fell down the ramp after them.

  In a pile of the beach, the team can’t help but notice what loomed in the distance: The volcano.

  “All right, let’s go, guys,” Red said as they picked themselves up.

  Mighty Eagle didn’t budge. He was frozen in terror.

  “I can’t do it! I’ve made a terrible mistake,” he told them.

  “Whoa. What are you talking about?” Red asked.

  “Z-z-z . . . Zeta!”

  “Who’s Zeta?”

  “The leader of the eagles. The one who’s been trying to destroy our islands.” Mighty Eagle paused before adding, “And my ex-fiancée.”

  The team stared at Mighty Eagle in disbelief.

  “Fiancée . . . oh, is that French for ‘accountant’?” Bomb wondered.

  “Beyoncé? Where?” Courtney gasped.

  “And you’re just telling us this now?!” Red couldn’t believe what Mighty Eagle was saying.

  Mighty Eagle gave a sheepish grin. “It was many years ago . . . in the 1990s,” Mighty Eagle began as he remembered Zeta gently pushing him on a swing. “Cargo shorts were taking the world by storm, boy bands were climbing the charts, and everyone was in love with Froyo.”

  He recalled them going on a canoe ride where the canoe tipped over. They had such fun splashing each other in the lake that day. “It was love at first sight,” he said as he reminisced about the time they went bungee jumping . . . and the rope snapped.

  “She was the best thing that ever happened to me,” he said as he remembered them holding wings in the hospital. He also remembered when she proposed, putting a giant diamond ring on his finger. “And since she wouldn’t take no for an answer . . .” Mighty Eagle envisioned Zeta standing alone in a wedding dress. Her eyes grew dark, cold, and angry. “Naturally . . . I abandoned her.”

  The rest of the crew were shocked by Mighty Eagle’s story.

  “How could you leave her like that?” Silver gasped.

  “Because I’m a coward,” Mighty Eagle confessed. “Many of you didn’t know that about me. Anyway, she’s been heartbroken ever since, and it’s all my fault.”

  Mighty Eagle turned and began to fly away, saying, “You know, I just remembered I have something to do back home!”

  “Mighty Eagle,” Red grunted as Mighty Eagle disappeared into the distance, back to Bird Island.

  Vivi, Sam-Sam, and Zoe were watching the boa constrictor through the bushes. Zoe’s sister eggs were still nestled in the snake’s coil. They looked at each knowingly. They had to do something.

  A few moments later, they went to the other side of the bushes, where the snake was. The bushes shook, and there was a scuffle, followed by lots of noise. Soon after, the trio emerged from the bushes in new snakeskin outfits.

  “Well, that got dark,” Zoe commented.

  Red and his crew had made it to the base of the volcano. Through a set of binoculars, Red could see many eagle guards protecting Zeta’s lair.

  “Okay, everyone. The place is crawling with security, but I think we can—” Red began to say, but everyone was giggling at him.

  “Okay, what are you guys doing?”

  Bomb and Leonard gave each other a knowing look, then giggled even more loudly, which annoyed Red.

  “Is it Harvey time yet?” Bomb asked Leonard.

  “Harvey? Who’s Harvey?” Red wondered.

  “Whaddaya think, guys? Should we show him?” Leonard asked the crew.

  “Show me what?” Red was about to burst.

  Leonard proudly revealed Harvey, an absolutely terrifying eagle costume they had crafted. It was enormous; big enough to fit all of them inside it. The permanent crazed grin on the costume’s face made it look as if a possessed child had made it.

  “Harvey!” Leonard announced.

  “Super-lifelike disguise, right?” Bomb remarked.

  Red couldn’t believe that they were serious. This had to be some kind of a joke. Their costume was not only terrifying, it was also obviously not a real eagle. The guards would see through it in a second!

  Silver chimed in. “We thought we’d let you drive.” She showed Red the inside of the suit, which was rigged with levers, pedals, and poles.

  “And I’m gonna sit on your lap and pedal!” Chuck said excitedly.

  “So you guys came up with this plan without me?” Red asked, offended.

  “C’mon, Red. This is gonna work,” Leonard tried to reassure him. The rest of the crew was disappointed in his reaction, too.

  “And we think it’s our best chance of getting past the guards and into the superweapon,” Silver said.

  Chuck and Bomb agreed with her, which only made Red feel more like they are all against him.

  “Look, everyone on Bird Island is counting on me to—”

  Silver interrupted him. “Us. Everyone is counting on us, Red.”

  “And your plan is to get inside with that?” he scoffed. “Look, forge
t it. Why don’t you guys just head back to your cushy little submarine, where it’s safe and you can giggle with each other and play games . . . And me?” he added as he struggled to make it up a steep, snowy embankment. “I’ll just be over here saving the world.”

  With that, Red fell back down the embankment again. Trying not to look embarrassed, he quickly pulled himself back up.

  “All by myself!” he added . . . then fell again. It was starting to look really pathetic to his friends, but Red just kept on going.

  “Just like I’ve been doing this whole time,” he declared as he finally made it up the snowbank. The rest of the group looked on, worried as Red vanished out of sight.

  “Uh, guys, I 100 percent believe in you and this Harvey idea . . . but . . . I think this one’s gonna need me,” Silver told them as she gestured over her shoulder in the direction Red had gone.

  Red was already burrowed deep in the snow, staying undetected as he made his way toward the superweapon. Finally, he arrived at the base of the superweapon and popped out of the snow, unseen—or so he thought.

  “Well, they didn’t see us.”

  Red jumped, startled to see Silver standing next to him. “I’ve got it covered! Go away!”

  “Is this a good time to talk about your feelings?” Silver asked as they began climbing the side of the volcano.

  “No! Not a good time!”

  On the other side of the superweapon’s base, Chuck was zipping himself, along with Garry, Courtney, Leonard, and Bomb, inside the Harvey costume. It was a tight squeeze in there. Leonard worked his way up to the head and began testing the mouth to make sure it was believable.

  “All right, guys. Beak action is a go. Arms, what say you?”

  Garry and Courtney were each manning a lever for Harvey’s wings. They gave their poles a wiggle, and Harvey’s wings flapped to life—very awkwardly.

  “Okay, feet, show me what you got!” Leonard called out to Chuck and Bomb, who were each controlling a foot. Chuck pedaled with his feet, while Bomb used the power of his wings to make Harvey mobile.

  Chuck and Bomb giggled with delight as Harvey took his first deranged-looking steps.

  “Woo-hoo,” Leonard celebrated. “Now in three paces, I want you to veer right.”