The Angry Birds Movie 2

by Heather Nuhfer

  Wavering back and forth, Harvey looked like a Frankenbird that had had too much to drink as he lurched forward.

  “We’re going live. I’ll do the talking,” Leonard informed them.

  Through Harvey’s mouth, Leonard could see two eagles with spears guarding the entrance to the superweapon. Harvey lumbered toward them.

  “Hello, fellow eagle guards! I’m just running late to the ol’ job,” Leonard said, doing his best to sound like he belonged there. “Yeah, commute was rough today for some reason. But the good news is . . . I made it.”

  Leonard then realized that Harvey wasn’t even facing the guards. “Ninety-degree turn!” he whispered loudly to the others inside the Harvey suit.

  With some effort, they make Harvey do a very weird-looking turn.

  “But the good news is I made it,” Leonard repeated as Harvey.

  The guards, Carl and Jerry, eyed Harvey suspiciously.

  “ID please,” Carl requested.

  “Oh, uh, ID? I’m not sure I have it on me,” Leonard, as Harvey, said, trying to stall. “Hey,” he whispered to his friends further down the suit, “act like you’re checking your pockets.”

  Garry pulled as hard as he could on the arm lever, but it seemed to be jammed. Nothing was happening.

  “It’s stuck,” Garry said.

  Outside the costume, Harvey’s arm twitched as the lever unjammed itself.

  THWAP!

  Harvey’s arm swung up and in, punching himself directly in the face!

  “Ahh! What the heck are you doing?” Leonard yelled quietly at Garry.

  A loud static buzzing sound came from Carl’s and Jerry’s walkie-talkies.

  “Guards, be on the lookout for a possible intruder,” the voice on the other end of the walkie-talkie said.

  Carl eyed Harvey before walking up to the giant puppet. “Wait a minute . . .”

  “Uh-oh,” Leonard panicked.

  From the feet, Chuck called out, “What?! What’s happening? Leonard?”

  “Shh! He’s onto us!”

  Carl continued to look Harvey over with his eagle eyes.

  “We’re so dead,” Leonard whined.

  Finally, Carl spoke. “Okay, I can see what’s going on here. Jerry, you seeing this too?”

  Jerry took a good look into Harvey’s skewed eyes and then raised his spear defensively. “Yeah. I think I am.”

  Inside the costume, everyone was freaking out. Chuck was sinking into the safety of Bomb, who was in serious danger of exploding, all while Leonard was dripping buckets of sweat down onto them.

  Carl got right up in Harvey’s face. “Yeah, Jerry. This right here is obviously . . .”

  Everyone inside the costume held their breath.

  “. . . a new guy!”

  “Yeah,” Jerry added, “imposters in a costume. Wait, what?”

  Dumbfounded, the crew inside the Harvey costume couldn’t believe their ears!

  “Yeah,” Carl continued, “you’re the new guard from the east tower.”

  “Yes, yes I am,” Leonard, as Harvey, confirmed as he motioned for the rest of the crew to follow his lead.

  “Ha! I knew it. Jerry, swipe the new guy in.”

  With one small BEEP! from Jerry’s security key, the doors to the superweapon were opened for the Harvey crew.

  “Eight stairs and two paces and we’re in, boys,” Leonard said to the others in the costume before returning to his Harvey voice. “Thank you very much.”

  “Oh, and when you pick a locker: 243. That’s right next to mine,” Carl suggested.

  “Locker buddies!” Leonard said in his Harvey voice as the costumed crew walked awkwardly through the door.

  After the security door slid closed behind them, Leonard declared, “Okay, guys. We’re in!”

  Celebration ensued inside the suit, which made Harvey do a completely ridiculous dance. But their merriment stopped abruptly when they noticed that a guard stationed inside the room was watching their victory dance. Not sure what else to do, Harvey began his dance again, and danced all the way down the hall. The guard looked on, suddenly inspired. When the coast was clear, he, too, started dancing just like Harvey.

  Unlike the inhabitants of Harvey’s suit, Red and Silver weren’t dancing their way into the superweapon. Red was exhausted and completely out of breath when they reached the top of the volcano.

  “See, Silver? Phase two. Check.”

  “Yay, you did it,” she teased. “How’s it looking down there?”

  The two birds peered into the volcano, directly onto Zeta’s icy superweapon. Dozens of armed eagle guards surrounded a giant launchpad where eagle scientists were frantically working under Glenn’s anxious supervision.

  “Oh, oh, oh . . . Do you see that?” Red asked Silver.

  “Oh! It’s the superweapon!”

  “No. The plug to the superweapon,” he gestured to a tiny outlet with a small power cord plugged into it.

  Silver gave Red an incredulous look.

  Red continued, “All we gotta do is get down there and unplug it.”

  “Sure, but there are guards everywhere. I mean, look. There. There. And there.” Silver activated her Silver Vision again and used her powerful brain to actually see the calculations and routes they needed to make Red’s plan successful. “And we only have enough rope to—”

  “Watch and learn,” Red interrupted before he flung himself off the edge and swung toward the other side of the volcano. Unfortunately, he was just a little bit off. He grabbed wildly at the ledge, but his fingers barely squeaked along the icy ledge before he swung back to the ledge with Silver.

  “Now my plan really starts!” he insisted as he pushed off the ledge again. This time he used both wings to reach for the ledge, but again, he didn’t make it.

  “Oh, was I supposed to be watching that?” Silver asked when Red landed back on the ledge next to her.

  “Just making sure you’re okay and . . . you are, so . . . good,” he fumbled. Red tried to reach the opposite ledge again but failed again. It really wasn’t Red’s day.

  “You want a push?” Silver asked when he returned to their ledge.

  “Yes,” Red said, unamused.

  Silver gave Red a powerful kick, which gave him the extra boost he needed. He made it to the other side and got a tight hold on the ledge! It was still a bit of a struggle for him to get to the top, but he made it.

  “Ha! And that’s how it’s done!” he gloated.

  While Red continued basking in his own glory, Silver calmly strolled around to Red’s side of the volcano.

  “Hi!” she said, bringing Red back to reality.

  “Huh? How’d you do that?” Red was so startled, one of his feathers popped loose.

  “Oh no! Your feather!”

  They watched as Red’s bright red feather drifted down toward the guards. It was going to land right on one of them! Silver burst into action. She ran down the side of the slippery volcano and pushed off the wall; she was chasing after the feather. It was dangerously close to the guards now. Silver swooped in and grabbed it seconds before it landed on one of the eagle guards’ head. When she had pulled herself back up toward the ledge, she noticed that Red wasn’t there anymore. She looked around frantically.

  “Hey, Silver!” Red whispered loudly from below.

  Silver spotted Red. He was down on the floor, pointing at the small outlet the superweapon seemed to be plugged into.

  “This is how a hero saves the world,” Red added before he reached out and triumphantly unplugged the cord.

  Only Red hadn’t saved the world. The plug wasn’t attached to the superweapon, All that happened was that, somewhere in the superweapon lab, a microwave powered down, leaving a burrito half-frozen.

  “Now what?” Silver asked when she joined Red on the floor.

  “Now we escape.”

  An alarm suddenly went off, and an extremely buff eagle guard approached them.

  “You two are coming with me,” the guar
d demanded.

  “Nice abs,” Silver told him.

  “I know,” he replied. With a flick of his wrist, the eagle guard whacked Red upside the head with a half-frozen burrito, knocking him out.

  The rest of the crew, still dressed in their Harvey suit, had found a doorway. Above it there was a large neon sign that read, TOP SECRET SUPERWEAPON.

  “Okay. Try zero zero zero zero,” Leonard told the wing operators. No luck. “Okay try one two three four,” he suggested. That one didn’t work, either. “Try four-three-two-one.” Nope. “Uh, 1-800-OPEN. I don’t know. Chuck, what’s your birthday? Nothing’s working!”

  The crisp sound of radio static came out of the speaker.

  “Uh-oh! Someone’s coming! Quick! Hide!” Leonard shouted into the suit.

  Harvey stumbled away and hid behind some containers.

  “There’s an eagle nearby! There’s an eagle nearby! There’s an eagle nearby!”

  The Eagle Detector had accidentally gone off! Leonard gasped as the team scrambled to shut off the detector. They managed to silence it just as two eagle guards made it to the TOP SECRET SUPERWEAPON neon sign. One of the eagle guards swiped their key card and the door opened.

  “You get started on the lockdown sequence, I’m gonna hit the john,” the other eagle said, putting away his key card.

  “We gotta get that key card!” Leonard exclaimed, as he watched the eagle guard head to the bathroom.

  Courtney protested. “Oh no, I’m not going into the—”

  But she did go into the men’s room. She had no choice. Harvey, and all his inhabitants, sidled up to the eagle guard who was using a urinal and directed a blank, terrifying stare at him. The guard was slightly put off by Harvey and his odd manners, so he stopped peeing and cleared his throat. The crew inside Harvey bolstered him upright, making the guard feel comfortable enough to finish up his business.

  “Okay, Courtney. Get that card,” Leonard instructed.

  “There’s something in the way,” she said.

  “Chuck, what’s going on down there?” Leonard asked.

  Chuck peeked out of Harvey’s belly. “There’s a divider in the way. Maybe it’s on the other side?!”

  “Okay, hold on.” Leonard had everyone manipulate Harvey, making him bend backward, but they went too far, leaving Harvey in an awkwardly contorted shape that left him looking like he was tied up in knots!

  Chuck then popped straight up and out of Harvey’s chest as they walked behind the eagle guard and slid in to the urinal on his other side. The guard glared at the odd bird.

  “Chuck, pretend to pee!” Leonard told him.

  Not sure what to do, Chuck began spitting water out of his mouth and attempted to make a peeing sound.

  PWWWWWWFFFT!

  It didn’t sound like peeing. The eagle guard groaned and gave the air a slight sniff. Realizing his sound effects didn’t cut it, Chuck tried another noise that sounded suspiciously like a lawn sprinkler . . .

  “Get that card!” Leonard reminded him.

  The deeply annoyed eagle flushed the urinal. As he walked by Harvey, Chuck managed to swipe his security key card! Success!

  “I got it!”

  Chuck’s revelry was short-lived. The key card was still attached to the guard’s belt by an elastic cord! As the cord stretched out, Chuck began to panic. Flustered, Chuck used the divider to saw at the elastic cord. He needed to untether them before the guard hit the end of the line! With no time to spare, the elastic cord gave way just as the eagle guard walked out of the bathroom.

  “Oh my!” Chuck gasped.

  “What?! Chuck, what is it?!” Leonard panicked.

  Chuck was horrified. “He forgot to wash his hands!”

  A large gust of wind sent an even larger leaf ashore on Bird Island. Zoe, Vivi, and Sam-Sam were nestled upon it, asleep and holding the eggs they had chased for so long. Their arrival jolted Zoe awake.

  “We’re home! We’re home! Home! Everybody!”

  The other two hatchlings awoke with a cheer. They were so happy to see their home! Zoe gently set down her egg before all three of them joyfully kissed the ground! Vivi took it a step further by rubbing sand all over themselves while Sam-Sam made sand angels.

  “We missed you so much, Bird Island!” Vivi cooed while throwing some sand in the air.

  “Bird Island?” some high-pitched voices said.

  The hatchlings looked to see who was talking. It was some piggies!

  “This is Piggy Island, sillies! Bird Island is way over there!” One of the piggies pointed across the ocean.

  “Come on!” Zoe said, exasperated.

  Back at the site of the superweapon, the inhabitants of the Harvey costume had fumbled their way into the operation room.

  “We’re in,” Leonard told the others. Then, after looking around he added, “Oh my goodness gravy.”

  The interior of the superweapon was gigantic. There were hundreds of buttons, screens, and knobs everywhere. Each one seemed to have its own eagle guard.

  “What?! I wanna see!” Chuck whined from Harvey’s feet.

  Chuck pushed his way up through the costume, desperate to see what Leonard was looking at through the face hole. They didn’t realize it, but part of the costume had become trapped when the door closed behind them. Chuck and Leonard were too busy looking at something else: the eagle guard with the great abs was showing an unconscious Red, and a very angry Silver, to Debbie.

  “They’ve got Red and my sister!” Chuck gasped. “We’ve gotta go!”

  “But the mission!” Leonard pleaded.

  Chuck slid back down to Harvey’s foot pedal. He was ready for action.

  “That’s my sister, mister! And I’m gonna save her!” Chuck pedaled furiously, but the costume was still stuck in the door, unbeknownst to them. Chuck pedaled harder, but it only made matters worse. In seconds the costume tore apart and the entire Harvey team spilled out onto the floor, completely exposed!

  They froze when they saw who was in front of them: eagle guards Carl and Jerry!

  “Hey . . . ,” Jerry wondered, on edge. “Did you just hear fabric ripping?”

  The Harvey team gulped.

  “No,” Carl said matter-of-factly.

  The group let out a deep sigh of relief as they quietly picked themselves up off the ground.

  Leonard turned to Chuck and Bomb, eager to give out orders. “Quick, go save Red and Silver. We’ll take care of the superweapon.”

  The group split up, ready to take on the worst.

  Deep in Zeta’s lair, Red finally woke up. Groggy and disoriented, Red looked at his wing, which felt oddly stiff. It was frozen to something . . . a cup holder?! He looked around now, seeing that all his limbs were frozen inside the cup holders of a pool raft. Red struggled, trying to free himself, but it was no use. Now that he was fully awake, Red could see that he was trapped in Zeta’s frozen swimming pool—and Silver was trapped with him.

  “What happened?” he asked Silver.

  “Oh, let’s see.” Silver quipped. “Well, we got captured and trapped in ice on top of giant pool toys. Good job.”

  “No.”

  “It’s okay. I have an idea.”

  “Not right now,” Red said instinctively. “Ugh. C’mon, Red,” he said to himself. “You can fix this.”

  “Like when you had us jump into a volcano without any ropes and just ‘shimmy on in there’?” Silver smirked.

  “Okay. That was too far. I’m not listening to you anymore.”

  “Red, you need to listen to your team!” Silver objected.

  “Look, Silver, I just thought that maybe I could—”

  “Stop me?” an evil voice interrupted.

  Zeta had been watching them the whole time. She sipped from a tropical drink while she lounged at her personal tiki bar.

  “You two lovebirds just thought y’all could sail over here and stop me,” Zeta scoffed as she approached Silver and Red.

  Both Red and Silver pulled faces.<
br />
  “Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got it all wrong,” Red insisted.

  “Lovebirds?” Silver added. “Ha! No, no! I think maybe you are confusing us—”

  “Shush!” Zeta broke in. “Hush it up right now! So typical. Type A male paired with a strong female. And you just can’t stand it, can you?!” Zeta squawked as she hovered over Red. “Lemme guess, you prefer to ‘fly solo.’”

  “I can’t really fly, but—”

  Zeta wasn’t listening to Red. “I have to save everybody all by myself, just like a man!” she mocked him as she grabbed a pool floaty and throttled it.

  “Oooh, ouch! That’s kinda true, though,” Silver agreed.

  “Maybe she was a bit clingy at times, maybe a teensy-bit aggressive!” Zeta choked the floaty so hard it popped. “Maybe she gave you that engagement ring a little prematurely?!”

  “I don’t think she’s talking about us anymore,” Silver told Red. “I think she’s talking about Mighty—”

  Zeta curled her talons over Silver’s mouth to keep her from speaking. “Shut it down. Shut. It. Down.”

  “Hey! You can’t do that!” Red objected. He was realizing that Zeta had still not forgiven Mighty Eagle and that she might never.

  Zeta rolled her eyes as she covered Red’s mouth with her other foot. “Let’s just see where your heroic antics have gotten you so far,” Zeta said, pointing to a giant TV screen. “Debbie!”

  Debbie riffled through a pile of remote controls on an ice-block side table. “Uhhh . . . ,” she said, unsure as she started to randomly press their buttons.

  Back in the lair, Debbie managed to hit a button that turned the TV onto a static screen. Zeta finally stepped in, taking control of the remote controls.

  “Red button! Press the red button,” she growled. With one click of the remote, the TV showed a live stream from deep within the superweapon. Red and Silver watched in terror as it revealed Chuck and Bomb. They had been captured and were now trapped in a cage that was being slowly lowered into a lava pit!

  “No!” Silver screamed.

  “Chuck?! Bomb?! Let them go, you monster!” Red demanded.

  “Your little friends are about to be burned up by lava!” Zeta said, clearly savoring the moment. She clicked another button on a remote that changed the TV screen to an image of Piggy and Bird Islands. At the top of the screen was a countdown clock, which read 9:46. “And when this countdown reaches zero, boom! Your islands are going down!”