Glass Ceilings

by A. m Madden

  I leaned forward with my elbows on my knees, staring at the cup I held between my hands. “I’m so sorry you were alone.”

  I spoke the truth. I was sorry. To have a child without those closest in her life, not to be able to share her happiness, it must have ripped her apart. Angela was kind, sweet, generous, and loving to a fault. It was basically why she was in the situation to begin with…always thinking about everyone else.

  “I’ll never forget the pain in their eyes when they arrived to find out they were grandparents. It just added to the insurmountable guilt that I had already been carrying. They stayed with Dawn and me through the holidays. Once my parents knew about Nicholas, I felt like the pile of weights that sat on my chest had lessened by one. Eve and Jase were next to visit. They came at the tail end of their honeymoon in Vegas, anxious to meet Nicholas.”

  “Honeymoon?”

  For the first time all night, the corners of her lips lifted into a semi-smile. “Their Christmas gift to each other was to elope in Vegas. After my uncle’s passing, Eve wanted nothing to do with tradition. She missed him terribly and couldn’t fathom a church wedding without her father walking her down the aisle. She and Jase are so good for each other. He became her rock during the most difficult time of her life. Despite all his silliness, he adores her and she him. He finally wore her down, and they ran off and got married on the anniversary of the night we all met.”

  Sadness passed over her face at the mention of that night before she quickly went on with her dissertation. “My aunt was devastated that her only daughter eloped, but Eve promised her a huge reception once they settled in New York.”

  She went on to explain that Eve’s plan to open another store location coincided with Jase’s new job in advertising. “After they shared their news that they were moving, I knew it was time for me to find you. They still had no idea where you were, or who you really were. Impulsively, I told them everything about us. They were stunned speechless.”

  “And then?”

  “And then I came to New York.”

  “Which you did in April?”

  “Yes.” She placed her coffee cup on the table and tucked her legs beneath her on the couch. It reminded me of the day I showed up at Eve’s townhouse in the middle of the night. Just as she did that day, she began nervously fiddling with the hem of her T-shirt. “They got here first, and Eve found me this apartment. It’s affordable, close to the store, and the daycare center Nicholas goes to is a few blocks away. When Nicholas and I arrived, Eve had furnished the place, done my food shopping. She even left the framed picture of us playing darts on my kitchen counter for me to find. I finally felt optimistic for the first time in a long time. I was so excited to be here. I couldn’t wait to come see you.”

  Her eyes briefly met mine before she looked down. “Once I got settled and got Nicholas into a routine, I called headquarters asking for you. I was told you were not available, and asked if I wanted to leave a message. I declined, and decided to go to your apartment to see you. I didn’t even know if you still lived in the same place, but it was a start. I left Nicholas with Eve after work, and sat on the steps of the building facing yours in hopes I’d catch you either coming or going.”

  Her fingers continued to fiddle with her shirt when she looked up, flushed with embarrassment. “Nick, I’m aware that sounds borderline stalker-ish, but I couldn’t just call you after all that happened. I needed to see you face-to-face to explain myself.”

  I didn’t respond and continued to watch her body language expose the level of her anxiety.

  “So, I sat there for an hour, wondering what I would say when I finally saw you…and as if my thoughts summoned you, there you were.” She closed her eyes, and took a calming breath.

  “You came out of your building smiling and talking to a beautiful woman. She was obviously pregnant, and she looked up at you and laughed at something you said.” When Angela opened her eyes, they focused on mine. “I watched as you both stood on the sidewalk chatting for a few minutes, her wedding band visible from where I sat. A cab pulled up and you led her to it with a hand on her back. After you hugged her, she got in and you bent into the opened door to kiss her cheek. You smiled as she pulled away.”

  I remembered the day vividly. “That was Ella Stone.”

  “You said earlier in the café that she was the wife of a friend?”

  “Yes. He’s a cop. I became great friends with Ben after a case we worked on together. I also met Ella during that case. She was planning a surprise party for Ben at their beach house. It was my job to get him there the next day. We were all going to spend that weekend in Long Beach.”

  “That explains a lot. I came back, hoping to see you again. I’d walk Nicholas in his carriage past your apartment risking that I would see you and you’d immediately see I had a child. But, I didn’t care. The seed of telling you the truth had firmly been planted, and I wanted you to meet your son. By Sunday afternoon, I began to lose my nerve.”

  “You still should have contacted me, Angela.” Anger controlled my voice when I continued. “You owed it to me for no other reason but to tell me I had a son.”

  “You’re absolutely right.” Tears welled in her eyes and she nodded sadly. “And even though I was crushed thinking you had moved on, and you looked so happy, I spent the weekend sitting in my apartment holding our son and building my nerve to make that phone call I had dreaded all along.”

  “But you didn’t, did you? You let another six months pass, and you never reached out…and even now the only reason we’re here is because that motherfucker is dead. So why should I believe you at all?”

  “Nick, I know it sounds suspiciously like I’ve been crying wolf in regards to contacting you. I swear on everything I love, I never intended for almost two years to go by. I never intended to keep your son from you all those months.”

  “Why did you then?” I venomously spit out.

  “Ronnie found me.”

  Once again, the air left my lungs at her words. Fuck, this was never ending. “How?”

  “After my parents visited me in Ohio, Luca came to Dawn’s ranch to fill my parents in on who Ronnie really was and what he was capable of. He also told them of our fears regarding my uncle’s involvement with the Delarros.”

  “And?”

  “My dad went pale. He and his brother weren’t on good terms when he passed away. He admitted Uncle Carmine confided in him regarding a loan he took from Ronnie’s dad a few years earlier. My dad was furious with him. Carmine paid it back on time, plus interest. Unfortunately the Delarros wanted more, and not in the form of money. Carmine refused them, and that’s all my father knew. The accident no longer looked like an accident to him, and that terrified him. He pleaded for us to go to the police.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  “Luca promised we would, but not until he could find some concrete proof of Carmine’s dealings with the Delarros. We were working on borrowed time. My goal was to keep our son safe; my cousin’s was to find evidence to support our claims.”

  “How did he find you?”

  “Ronnie had been watching my parents for months, and when we moved to New York, they led him right to my door.”

  “Why wouldn’t he let you go? What happened between you to keep him chasing you?”

  “It angered him that the only thing he wanted and he couldn’t have in his life was me.” I scoffed at her theory, and she felt forced to continue. “Nick, he was the prince in his family, could do no wrong, was denied nothing, until I came along. I’d told you in the beginning he was the perfect boyfriend. We even discussed marriage, kids…then I started working for Eve and loved it. My hours were long, and he hated not being the center of my life any longer. That’s when things started to change between us, when he became the frog. Coincidentally, it was also when he began working for his father.”

  A key turned the dead bolt in her door, causing us both to twist our heads in that direction. “Eve,” she breathed out as s
he stood up in a panic. “I lost track of time.”

  My heart slammed in my chest waiting for the few seconds it took for her to walk through the door.

  “This kid doesn’t give Auntie Eve a break. Mr. Early-riser wanted his mama,” she said from the door and immediately halted her steps when she saw us. Angela awkwardly remained stone still at her end of the couch, while the inside of my mouth suddenly felt like I drank a cupful of sand. “Ang?” she said to her cousin, but her eyes were focused on me.

  The two exchanged a look, and all I could see was my son in Eve’s arms. He twisted around looking for his mother, his face lighting up in a huge smile when he saw her.

  “Mama!” he called, struggling in Eve’s arms as he reached for her. His tiny feet kicked impatiently forcing Angela to robotically walk forward to take him into her arms.

  “Eve, we need more time. I’ll fill you in later, okay?”

  Eve nodded, immediately understanding the magnitude of what was about to occur. I was about to meet my son, for the first time in his life. I heard the door click closed, but I could do nothing but stare at Nicholas.

  He was now watching me curiously from his mother’s arms. The hair on his head was the same color as mine, and poked up adorably in all directions. His eyes were green, gorgeous, like Angela’s…otherwise he looked so much like me.

  He was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, besides his mom.

  Tears pooled in my eyes, blurring my vision and making it hard to memorize every part of his face. I cried once in my life, when I lost my granddad at the age of twelve. That moment marked the second time, as my tears fell uncontrolled down my face.

  Nicholas tucked his head into the crook of Angela’s neck, occasionally lifting it to continue to measure me up. The same emotions I was battling consumed Angela as well. When he wrapped his tiny arms around Angela’s neck, clutching her tightly, she soothed him by rubbing small circles on his back and kissing the top of his head.

  With one hand she wiped her cheeks clean. “Come meet your son,” she whispered, staring into my eyes.

  I couldn’t move, my feet felt cemented to the floor. What if he wouldn’t let me touch him? Being so close yet so far would further torture me. Sensing my hesitation, Angela slowly walked toward me until we were inches apart. His baby scent immediately invaded my senses, prompting me to lean in closer, unable to get enough of it.

  “Nicholas,” Angela said softly. He lifted his head and looked at his mother first before meeting my eyes. “Baby, this is your dada.” She turned him in her arms, so he was now facing me.

  “Dada,” he repeated, his pajama-covered feet bouncing up and down excitedly.

  “Yes, Dada.” Angela looked at me over the top of his head. “Do you want to hold him?”

  I nodded, reaching for him tentatively, surprised when he came willingly and forcing my breath to hitch in my throat after I released a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

  His hand instantly latched onto my nose, and Angela laughed through her tears. “This is his new thing,” she explained as I laughed along with her. “I recently taught him that game.”

  “Hey, little man,” I said as he watched me with his wide green eyes. He was a happy baby, alert, inquisitive. I could tell his tiny mind was taking me in with every word I spoke.

  “Dada,” he confirmed, still holding on to my nose. When he released me I held his body firmly against my own, kissing the top of his head repeatedly.

  The anger toward his mother I’d been consumed with slowly dissipated with each moment I held my son. None of it mattered anymore, not the lies, the secrecy, none of it. The only thing that mattered was the tiny person I clutched in my arms.

  It was at that exact moment I realized everything I did from then on, I’d be doing for him.

  Part 3

  Don’t Let the Past Steal Your Present

  Chapter 19

  Nick

  OCTOBER 2015

  Yesterday, I was Nick Farley, an executive assistant director in the FBI.

  Today, I became Nick Farley, dad to Nicholas Cavello.

  Yesterday, I worried about myself and only myself.

  Today, all that changed.

  The more time that ticked by as I visited with my son, the more I knew I couldn’t leave her apartment. Irrational thoughts filled my mind such as sleeping on her couch from that day forward and never leaving their side. The overwhelming swell of protectiveness that engulfed me took over every cell in my body, and crippled me from walking out the door and going on with my normal daily life.

  I watched as she fed him breakfast. I hovered over her as she gave him a bath. I rocked him as I read him a book. I played with him on the floor of his room, allowing Angela time to run into the shower. I stared at him in awe as he kept handing me tiny trucks from his toy box. He wasn’t walking yet, but he could crawl at record speed. I laughed out loud when he scurried toward the box like a little crab, lifted himself up to peek inside, and then scurried back while holding another truck. His giggle as I took the truck and rolled it over his tummy was the best motherfucking sound I’d ever heard.

  Wanting to capture this moment, I pulled out my phone to take some pictures of him.

  “Mama,” Nicholas said, looking over my shoulder toward the door. I turned to see Angela leaning against the doorway. I had no idea how long she’d stood there watching us. Her hair, still wet from her shower, hung in damp waves around her shoulders. The blue shirt she had on hugged her curves, her slender legs looked fantastic in jeans and boots. Her breasts were fuller, making her waist appear narrower than I remembered.

  She looked better, but for some reason I didn’t think showering was the real reason that her eyes looked brighter, her face more relaxed. Seeing me finally united with my son must have lifted the huge weight that she’d been carrying.

  “Would you like some coffee before you go?” she asked from the doorway.

  “I can’t leave him,” I admitted while running a hand over his soft hair. “Not yet.” Her eyes followed me as I stood. “I need to make a phone call.”

  “Okay.” She sat beside Nicholas on the rug, resuming the game he was playing with me. I closed the door behind me, wanting privacy for the call I was about to make.

  It was insane how my life literally turned on a dime in less than a twenty-four- hour span. Just yesterday, I went into work oblivious to what was about to happen later that day. There I was about to call in to work for the first time ever to spend the day with a son I didn’t know I had.

  I dialed George’s cell, and he picked up immediately. “Where are you?”

  I sighed, not even beginning to know where to start. Last he saw me I had just interrogated an obvious ex-lover on the murder of a mobster.

  “George, I need to take a personal day.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “This just keeps getting more and more complicated.”

  “Are you with her?”

  “Yes.” At the grunting sound he made over the phone, I added, “It’s not what you think. I need today. If she’s on the schedule, please move her to tomorrow.”

  “Nick, do you remember why she was at headquarters yesterday?”

  “Yes. I still need a day.”

  He waited a pause and said, “Okay, buddy. I’ll talk to Rupert.”

  “Thank you, I appreciate it. Tell him I’ll be there first thing tomorrow morning to fill him in.” I knew Rupert wouldn’t give George a hard time when he relayed my message. He’d reserve that for me.

  “You got it.”

  After hanging up the call, I stared at my son’s closed door for a few minutes, wondering how this was all going to work. There wasn’t a question I’d be altering my life to accommodate him in every way. Stacie, the woman I’d been seeing, would have to understand he was now in my life. It wasn’t like we had anything more than a convenient relationship anyway.

  I never even asked Angela if there was someone else in her life. Enough time had passed
and all the while she’d thought I was with someone else. She could have easily moved on. The thought caused my chest to constrict with jealousy.

  I opened the door to see them just where I’d left them a few minutes earlier. Nicholas was still scurrying back and forth, bringing more trucks to his mom. They both looked up with smiles on their faces.

  “He looks so cute when he crawls,” I said, watching with a grin plastered on my face.

  “He’s about to walk any day now. He’ll pull himself up, stare at me, and then it’s as if his little mind says, ‘Screw this,’ before he drops to the floor and crawls instead.” She kissed his cheek and stood when I walked into the room. “Are you going?” she asked.

  “No. I need more time with him.”

  “Okay,” she said despondently. I looked down at our son breaking eye contact. “Usually on my day off I take him to the park, but we can do whatever you’d like. If we do go to the park, we’d need to do it now to be back in time for his nap.”

  “The park now would be great. I never even asked if you were free today, I’m sorry I just assumed.”

  “Nick, you have nothing to be sorry about.” She looked over at Nicholas and added, “I’m not at all surprised you’re already falling in love with him. He’s irresistible.”

  “He is,” I agreed. When our eyes met I said, “You did a great job so far. He looks happy.” I shouldn’t have been surprised when the familiar electricity we’d shared in the past sparked to life between us. It almost made it impossible to ignore my desire to kiss her…almost.

  The need to keep things realistic between us had me adding, “Angela, I also need more time with you. There are a lot of unanswered questions regarding Ronnie. I need to know everything before I meet with my supervisor tomorrow.”

  “We can talk while he naps later.”

  Nicholas crawled over to where we stood, raising his arms. “Up. Up.”

  “Do you want to go bye-bye?” Angela asked as she bent to pick him up. He nodded and smiled, grabbing her nose.