Sin's Flower

by Carlene Love Flores

  “I promise, Trissy.”

  With that, she let him walk her the rest of the way to her room. And then he made his way back to the girl he’d either end up leaving behind or stealing away. It was too late to avoid those outcomes. One of them was bound to happen by the time this visit was up.

  Jaxon crawled under the covers because it was so cold. He hesitated and then whispered to Lily’s sleeping face, “I’m so afraid I’m going to hurt you.”

  It wouldn’t be physically. He could control his naughtier desires, even if banging his flesh into Lily’s dominated his thoughts.

  No, he thought and shook his head. That’s the only way I know.

  Again he whispered to sleeping Lily, “I’ll break your heart.”

  “What, why?”

  Shit. He hadn’t expected her soft, sleepy reply.

  “Nothing, go back to sleep.” He started to sneak out from her covers.

  Her hand found his arm and held him there. “You’re worried you’re gonna hurt me?”

  Since they were sleep talking, and she would never stop talking until he was honest with her, he said, “Yeah, something like that.”

  “So you’re concerned about my heart being broken; you don’t want that to happen to me,” she said without having opened her eyes yet.

  He fumbled for her hand and gave it a squeeze.

  Lily intertwined her fingers with his. “Only a good man would care about me like that.”

  She kissed his fingers laced tightly with hers.

  She thinks I’m a good man. I fucking want to be.

  “We shouldn’t be doing this. You and Trissy just barely made it back to each other. I owe her more than I’ll ever be able to pay back in this life.”

  “You love her, don’t you?”

  “She was my best friend. Ran my life better than I ever could. And I shit on all that, Lily. She should still hate me.”

  “But she doesn’t.”

  “I know.”

  “And neither do I.”

  He wanted to tell her how much that made his frustrated heart swell with pride that he’d gotten better and she’d seen it and appreciated it. But he didn’t. “You’re a good girl, Lily.”

  He said it as he held her fingertips, leaned down, and kissed them, then placed them alone back at her side. He rose up and left their makeshift quilted bed on the floor to take up in the chair.

  * * * *

  Wow, if she didn’t know any better, she’d have sworn she’d just seen him try to cover something up. It was looks like that which made her heart take tiny little plunges off the deep end where he was concerned.

  She stretched and sat up no matter how much he protested she get back to sleep.

  “I get it that she’s my big protective sister. But it’s really kind of odd that she’s so insistent we don’t hang out.” It wasn’t like anyone had planned for her and Jaxon to be the two odd people out. Tris had Lucky and Benny was so good with kids, he pretty much had grown an extra limb named Maryella. “What gives? I mean, she’s so happy to have you here, just nowhere near me.”

  He just shrugged. Guy talk for he didn’t want to talk about it. Fine. If no one was going to put on their big people panties and give her a good reason for staying away, she wasn’t going to worry about it. The boldness of her thoughts made a touch of pride swell in her chest.

  * * * *

  “So tell me more about how you and my sister are so close.”

  Oh man. He really wished she’d roll over and get some more sleepies.

  “Well that didn’t take long,” he said.

  “She talks about you, you know. You and the band. And Benny. And Maryella. All. The. Time.”

  He nodded, liking what he heard but still not sure exactly what Lily was asking as far as his and Trissy’s closeness. “You remind me of her. And she was too good for me.”

  “Jaxon, stop saying that. You’ve got to stop selling yourself short.”

  “No, Lily, it’s true. I fucked her up and the only reason she’s still living and breathing is because she left. Those reasons of hers that you’re not so sure about? They’re goodies. You should stay away from me.” In theory. Not like he planned on letting that happen.

  “Well, I don’t get it. And I’m not Tris. I’m me.”

  “You’re you. Lovely little Lily. I could destroy you too,” he whispered.

  “Or maybe you could give me a chance to show you just how strong I am. I’ve made it through a lot, you know.”

  Yeah, he was afraid he did know.

  Chapter Nineteen

  “Daddy, can we please go to the drive-thru movies? Please?” Maryellie pleaded on her tippy toes.

  Fu...dge. He was going to have to say no to his baby girl. No way in hell were they going to a drive-in mother fudging movie. Especially not out there in the middle of nowhere. Been there, done that. Hells no.

  “Sweetums, not tonight.” He looked to the couch, where Trissy was laid out on her back, for some help.

  “Oh yeah, you know…you know what kiddo?” she started, sounding all out of whack and full of baby.

  “What Auntie Trissy?”

  “Well, Uncle Lucky and I are going to finish fixing up the baby’s room tonight and we could really use your help decorating.”

  Thank you, Trissy. For a second he was worried she wouldn’t have understood his aversion to driving his daughter to the middle of nowhere and then hanging out like a sitting duck.

  “Auntie Trissy, you’re not sposed to be standing up doing so much stuff.” She folded her arms across her chest and made a very serious face.

  “Exactly, that’s why I need you to stay here and help Uncle Lucky. That way I can be in the room with you guys but sitting down.”

  “But I’m short. What about Uncle Benny?”

  “Yes, Uncle Benny can stay and help too if he’d like.”

  Jaxon didn’t have to press Benny with a stare. He simply pivoted toward him and saw that his webmaster had waved, already agreeing to stay in.

  Good, looks like I avoided that mess.

  Just then, Lily came walking in from the nearby kitchen. “So did I hear the word drive-in? I love the drive-in movies. What’s playing? Are we going?”

  “No,” Jaxon said along with Lucky, Benny and Trissy in unison.

  “Ohhhh-kay. Well I’d still like to go. And I think I remember reading something about a special Christmas time showing of the Wizard of Oz. Is it going to be crazy cold, Tris? Are we talking long johns and flannels and sweats and blankets?” Lily asked, obvious excitement making her eyes pop like pretty blue saucers.

  If he’d felt anything like himself at that moment, and hadn’t been standing in a living room full of people he was trying not to offend, he would have offered to keep her warm. But this drive-in movie thing was the last thing he wanted to do.

  “We’re not going, Lily.”

  Jaxon hated driving to most places. But the thought of Lily in his bucket seats, adding her smells to his, and the popcorn’s, and the heated air—those were some good fricking, mouth-watering thoughts. But the other thought of being out in the field with her made him nearly puke on Trissy’s faux bear skin rug. Too close to his horror show night with her.

  “Sorry. No drive-in movies for you, sweetums, or you, Auntie Lily.” He gave his little baby girl a stern daddy look, but no matter how much he wanted to deny it, being near Lily in a confined space was something he craved. In the end, Maryellie was just as happy to stay home and help make up the nursery. But Lily on the other hand, she looked about like he felt. Like they needed to get out…somewhere, anywhere.

  “Well, I’m going,” she said then turned to snatch some keys from the wall-hanger. She left through the side door in the direction of the driveway.

  What the hell was that?

  Lucky walked up to him and angled his shoulders to keep the conversation between just the two of them. “I’ll take good care of the girls here. I suggest you go catch up to the one who just left.” />
  * * * *

  “Jaxon, you’ve spent most of the night tense and preoccupied.” How could she have been so deluded about this? Obviously he’d needed to get away from the house but wished to have done it alone. So why had he followed her out to her car?

  “I told you I didn’t want to go,” he half hissed.

  “What’s the big deal? If you don’t want to go with me, just say it.”

  “I have, Lily. Several times. But here I am.”

  As soon as he said it, he looked away. But Jaxon refused to give her any more details which left her with all the more doubts.

  “You know what? You’re right. You did. You don’t have to explain anything else. I guess I don’t really want to hear it anyway.” I’m such an idiot. To think Jaxon James would actually want to be stuck in a car at a stupid drive in movie theater with me.

  He grabbed her arm. “Lily, we can watch any movie you want, but let’s do it here.”

  Wow. He really didn’t want to do this with her. And here she’d imagined it was going to be the perfect escape.

  “It’s a special once a year showing that I really want to go to.” With that, she became determined to make it to her car before she started crying.

  She’d nearly made it when she felt a pair of tight arms squeezing around her. She wiggled free and without thinking, made her way past Jaxon and into the driver seat. She fumbled for her keys, not sure of what was going on but feeling incredibly foolish. She had to get out of there.

  Her door came open with a gust of cold December air. “Lily, get out of the car.”

  “No thanks.”

  “Lily, please, get out of the car.”

  As crappy as she felt right now, she longed even more for the escape of this special Christmas showing of her momma’s favorite movie. She tried to take her door back but he was even stronger than he looked. “Jaxon, you’re not making any sense. Just let me go. You’re scaring me.”

  That seemed to stop him cold. He shook his head and when he finally stopped doing that, she could see how tight his jaw was clenched. “Scoot over.”

  Was he crazy?

  “Scoot. Over. Please. It’s cold out here. Let me sit down.”

  It was getting late and she didn’t want to miss this showing but once again, Jaxon’s sincerity bled through his arrogance and she found herself crawling over the gear shift to get to the passenger side seat.

  He sat down with a thud that bounced her rickety old Jetta and then closed the door. Hopefully Lucky had fixed the oil leak from last week. She had a feeling if they actually got somewhere and then broke down, Jaxon might not know what to do with himself.

  “Lily, I get it that you want people to just, you know, be able to spit out what’s what, whenever you need to hear it. You deserve that.”

  “But…”

  “Yeah, there’s a but there. A big one. Listen, I’d really like to spend tonight with you. You know, just the two of us. But…”

  “But not at the drive in.”

  “Right.”

  “You know that makes no sense to me.” Maybe it just wasn’t his thing and she should take her own advice and be honest with why she was so insistent on going. “Jaxon, the same way you not wanting to go makes no sense to me, I understand maybe the reason I want to go so badly makes no sense to you. It’s just that going to the drive-in used to be my family’s thing. We’d go once a month. Have to drive about an hour to get there but Momma and Daddy would sit in the front seat and me, Tris and Jack would all be smashed in the back.” His handsome face was marred with a scowl. It startled her into temporarily stopping until he rested a hand on her knee.

  “Keep going, please.”

  “I probably only saw a handful of scenes from who knows how many shows but those nights are some of my best memories. I know it sounds dumb, but I miss that.”

  “Not dumb. And I like hearing about happy times you and Trissy had.”

  That said a lot. Tris must not have shared many of those memories with him. Lily understood why. It still hurt to think of her father as a monster when he’d been plain old daddy to her.

  She hated him for what he’d done.

  It was a giant jumble of twisted up evil and why she couldn’t accept dishonesty.

  “Jaxon, this was my momma’s favorite movie. It would mean a lot if you went to see it with me. But if you won’t go, please don’t try to keep me from going.”

  She would give him a couple minutes to turn the ignition and ask her for directions or kindly get out so she could slide back into the driver seat and be on her way.

  * * * *

  There were very few people he’d go out of his way to make happy, and because of his bananas karma, the one who had quickly risen to the top of that list was currently sitting so close he could hear the impatience in her drumming breaths. He already regretted this. “I’m horrible with directions. You’re gonna have to guide me. You for sure know exactly where we’re going? How to get there and get back? In the dark?” It was a hot mess of questions he’d just bombed her with but he did it for good reason.

  The soft smile threatening to break across her entire face egged him out of the driveway. “Lily? Right or left?”

  “Right,” she said showing him with her irresistible hands. “And thank you.”

  He just nodded and followed her cues all the way to the theater. He didn’t pull a smile, not once the whole way. That would have constituted a lie, and Lily was hell bent on finding out the truth.

  Thirty minutes later, deep into the country of Tennessee, he pulled up to a red and white box office that looked straight out of the Americana past. They made their way to the spaces separated with waist-high, old metal posts stuck in the ground and hanging car speakers. He wished for a place and time when he could have brought Maryellie.

  Lily’s eyes hadn’t dulled since they’d first pulled out of Trissy’s drive and he imagined his daughter’s would have done the same.

  Jaxon tuned her car radio to the right theater station for the movie. Sam Cooke crooned on the oldies station which Jaxon had to admit, gave him some comfort. It made him feel a little better that this place appeared to have been upgraded from the drive-ins of old. It felt less like some forgotten, antique, hole in the wall joint and more like a modern establishment that might get cell phone service in case of an emergency.

  He checked his phone’s bars. Two should be good enough but he’d have felt much better with a full five.

  Fuck. Me. Out of all the places Lily could have begged him to take her, it had to be to a place like this.

  Karma. His. Fucking bananas.

  Well, he guessed the only thing left to do was to make the best of it. And keep her safe. The parts of her poking out from behind that chainmail of a tracky suit she was wearing was a good place to focus on.

  Fuck, the tension clawing up his neck was killing him right now.

  * * * *

  Was Jaxon going to speak to her tonight? She waited about a minute longer which actually felt like forever when sitting in a dead quiet car out in the dark with the rock star best friend of your big sister. Especially one who knew about the darkest parts of your past, maybe even more. But his silence woke her up in that hour-long minute. She chanced a look his way only to find him looking stiff as a bag of bricks. All Lily could think of in that moment was helping him. Making up for bad things that had happened to others while she’d been spared.

  The pompadour poof of his hair seemed to grow in size the more he shoved his fingers through it.

  * * * *

  A burning question sizzled through his fingers. Was Lily safe with him right now? The thought was fucking with his head because he felt like an asshole who couldn’t protect the people he cared about. He swallowed as much of the fear burning his throat as he could and tried to look happy to be there with Lily.

  He rubbed her fingers, massaging her knuckles.

  “I hope the movie starts soon,” she said, squeezing his hand.

 
; “Lily, I had a bad experience in a place similar to this. That’s what my reaction is about tonight. I just wanted to keep you safe.”

  “Okay, thank you for letting me know.”

  A shot of humor was badly needed and happened to be hanging out on his tongue. “Well, it’s gonna cost you.”

  Her eyes bulged. “Do I even want to ask?”

  “I think I’d like another private sewing lesson.”

  * * * *

  He could have said all kinds of naughty things and she realized she’d sort of been secretly salivating at the thought of him demanding a roll in the backseat as payment. But yeah, turns out he wasn’t quite that shallow. Maybe she should have a little more faith in Jaxon James.

  “You’re on.”

  His smile seemed a touch more genuine but his shoulders looked like they could bull doze a steel wall. The movie would start when the sun went all the way down. He’d gotten them there so fast, they had time to kill. She twisted and reached around his back as best she could and got her two hands clamped onto the sides of his neck and started rhythmically squeezing and releasing.

  “That feels amazing, Lily. I think this might work better back there though. Better angle.”

  He gave a tilt of his head to the back seat. Her stomach did a triple salchow, front layout, twist, somersault, back flip.

  * * * *

  “Just kidding.” Actually he wasn’t but watching her face turn the colors of Christmas reminded him who he was with. He gathered Lily hadn’t hopped into many backseats. “Let’s go do a snack bar run. I want candy.” Jaxon climbed out of her Jetta, narrowly missing the speaker pole as he went.

  “Okay.” Her voice was as shaky as his freezing body. Fuck it was cold. His balls weren’t too happy at being jerked around by winter weather. He and Lily were snuggling, that was final. He wrapped an arm around her and scanning the car-filled lot, walked her to the snack bar.

  Back in the car, Jaxon turned up the volume on “Sleepwalk” by Johnny and Santo. Thank God for the good music. It calmed his nerves. With the last spill of daytime still hanging on, the giant black frame for the movie screen stood out, showing how powdery bluethe sky was just before the sunset. But slowly, it got darker, pushing Jaxon closer to the edge.