Nurse in Recovery

by Dianne Drake

  “Slowly,” Lanli instructed. “I’ve got you, so you’re not going to fall. But take it easy, Anna. Just concentrate on standing. Nothing else right now. Standing.”

  “Easy for you to say,” Anna choked, fighting to pull herself to a full upright. She stopped between mid-sit and stand to catch her breath, and instantly Lanli stepped in behind her to add support in case Anna started going backwards. “When was the last time you dropped someone?” Anna struggled to ask.

  “She only drops them when she wants to,” Mitch commented, stepping into the therapy room. “When someone’s not cooperating.”

  “Did I mention I also asked him to come for your therapy session tonight?” Sunny said, siding up to Anna and finishing in a whisper, “And if you want us to get lost later on, just give us the word.”

  “What I want is to stand,” Anna grunted, finally pulling herself fully upright. Her head felt a little light, the room starting to spin. “Wow,” she panted, shutting her eyes to shut out the spinning. Nausea was rising in her belly now…More spinning…You go, girl. You go, girl. “Just give me a few seconds.” You go, girl…

  “Anna?” Lanli took a firmer hold of her. “Do you want to sit down again?”

  “No,” she forced out. So much effort in that word. So much concentration. And her breathing…giving out on her. Couldn’t catch a breath. Needed air!

  “Take a deep breath,” Mitch said, moving to Anna’s side. He took hold of the belt as Lanli stepped away. “It’s your blood pressure evening out. You’re not used to having your head so high above your feet, but you’re not going to fall. I’ve got you.” Then he whispered, “And you’re not going to panic either. This is too important.”

  “And if you do fall, his arms are infinitely better than mine,” Lanli chimed in.

  Mitch frowned at Lanli, then turned his attention back to Anna. “OK, slowly now, open your eyes and raise your head, get your bearings.”

  Anna obeyed, glad it was Mitch holding her up. Not that she didn’t trust Lanli, but she was used to his hands now. “I’m not sure I’m ready for this,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper as she still fought to catch her breath. It was good to see her legs on the floor again—legs on the floor and her head a full five feet five inches above them. The muscles in her arms were beginning to spasm, though, from supporting all her weight. “I think I need to sit back down,” she panted, her head getting light again. Still on the verge of a panic attack. “Can’t do it, Mitch,” she sputtered. “Can’t breathe…Can’t stand up anymore!”

  “I want you to take one step before you sit,” he coaxed. “But first you’ve got to control your breathing. We’ve worked on that. Remember? And you’re about to hyperventilate. So, deep breaths, Anna. Deep…”

  Anna nodded, too winded to argue with him.

  “Take it in, Anna. Hold it…count to five…Purse your lips…blow it out.”

  His voice was so reassuring. So calming. She needed it, counted on it.

  “Now, do it again.”

  Depended on it…

  “Ready to walk?” he finally asked, once her breathing was under control.

  “And if I get all the way to the end, will you take off your clothes and walk to the end and back, too?”

  Sunny and Lanli shot each other questioning looks over Anna’s question, but neither commented. Sunny did, however, nudge Lanli in the ribs with her elbow.

  “All the way to the end and back,” Mitch said.

  “Well, then…” You go, girl. One step and she’d be back in her chair. One step…one giant step. I can do that! Biting her bottom lip, Anna put every ounce of concentration left in her to the task of putting one foot in front of the other. Lanli and Sunny, on the sidelines, started a round of You go, girl cheers, but she didn’t hear them, didn’t even hear the tense breaths coming from Mitch. All she heard was her heart pounding in her ears, and the little voice deep inside telling her this was her make-or-break moment. One step…And simply willing that step wouldn’t do it. She needed a whole lot of will for sure, but more than that she needed muscle. One step…

  Walking was no longer an automatic activity, she suddenly realized. The legs didn’t just do it because that’s what they were supposed to do. Every step would come as the result of thinking about it, thinking about every nuance of it. Lifting the leg, moving it forward, putting the foot down…

  Anna lifted her leg, moved it forward about six inches then put it down. Between the way she was holding on to the parallel bars and Mitch’s support, she hadn’t put much weight into that move, but it was, nonetheless, perfect, and she was ready to duplicate it with the other foot. Sunny and Lanli were still cheering and Mitch was still breathing hard when her left foot followed her right, stopping even with it. One whole step completed, and Anna allowed herself to sink back into Mitch’s arms, too exhausted to laugh, cry or even sweat.

  “Good girl,” he whispered, brushing a tender kiss across her cheek.

  “Tomorrow I’ll do two, and the day after I’ll double that. So you’ve got about six days before you have to take off your clothes,” she said, wrapping her arms around his neck as he scooped her up to carry her back to her chair. “And don’t confuse this with your offer to skinny dip across the pool. Two entirely separate acts of nudity.”

  Once back in her chair, Anna shifted to a comfortable position then headed toward the door. “Ready to go eat,” she said. “And I deserve my double cheese tonight.” Mitch stepped to her side and kept pace with her. A natural thing, and they’d gotten used to it, just as two people who walked shoulder to shoulder or hand in hand got used to it. Lanli and Sunny trailed behind, allowing Mitch and Anna plenty of privacy.

  “Looked like more than a congratulatory kiss to me,” Sunny whispered as they stepped into the parking lot. “And I’m not even going to ask her about Mitch’s ‘get naked’ strategy, although I think, under the right circumstances, it could be really therapeutic.”

  “So, my place or yours?” Mitch asked, dropping Anna at home after the pizza party had broken up. “You can’t stay alone yet, and since it’s my mom dragging your dad out of town…”

  He lifted her out of his truck and into her chair. No thought to this now, it was simply what he did. And even with the weight she’d been regaining—weight that looked so good on her—he didn’t mind. Sometimes it was nice to have Anna in his arms, and that was the only way he was going to do it. Probably the only way she’d allow it. Not that he could blame her for pulling back after that kiss. It could have really messed things up for her, thrown them in the wrong direction. Such a simple thing, but it had turned a corner, got them back into all things professional, and little else. At least, all things professional on the surface—for him, anyway. Which was the way it had to be for Anna.

  Good thing she was keeping a clear head.

  Even so, for two months now he’d done everything to fight the feelings getting all mixed up inside him. And they wouldn’t be fought. Sometimes he was proud of her, but sometimes that pride swelled so large he couldn’t deny the feelings, couldn’t deny he was falling, maybe had already completely fallen, in love with her. Because in spite of it all he still wasn’t sure he wanted that, or could even deal with it. Hard lessons from his past. Hard lessons, harder fears. Although he was having a solar dome built over his pool so she could continue swimming there whenever she wanted—without a time limit set on whenever, since he was picturing it well into a future he couldn’t even see, or didn’t want to see.

  “I told your dad I’d take care of the arrangements.”

  “Without asking me?” she snapped, wheeling herself away from him. Ralphie bounded to greet her on the sidewalk, and by the time she was up the ramp he was waiting at the front door. “We’ll be fine,” she told Mitch as he approached. “Ralphie and me. My neighbors said I can keep him over here.” Sticking the key in the lock, she opened the door. “And it’s only a couple of days. They’ll be back late Sunday.”

  “Last time yo
u stayed alone, it was only for a couple of hours and you freaked out over a piece of paper.” Truth was, he didn’t want her here alone. She might think she was ready, and maybe in some ways she was. But he wasn’t, not in any way, and he’d spend the whole time sitting outside in his truck if he had to.

  “And last time I hadn’t spent two months of hard, back-breaking work either.” Inside the doorway, Anna spun around to block Mitch from following her inside. “Look, I know I’ve got a long way to go, but I’ve already come further than I thought I would, and I want to do this. Let me rephrase that. I’m doing this and I’m not asking anybody’s permission.”

  Well, he had to give credit where it was due. She was finally taking her life back. That had always been the goal for anyone he’d ever worked with, and Anna was succeeding. Her expectations of him were becoming less and less, and his for her more and more.

  “So, don’t ask. Just do it.”

  “That’s it? You’re not going to argue with me?”

  Mitch raised his hands in surrender. “Hey, you put away almost a whole pizza tonight. Who am I to argue with a lady who can do that?”

  Backing away from the door, Anna laughed. “Want to come in?”

  “You won’t see it as some kind of challenge to your independence, will you?” He gave Ralphie a quick pat to the head as he stepped inside. “As in me trying to bully you into what I want?”

  “More like me letting you think you’re bullying me. It’s worked pretty well lately.” Anna moved into the living room and transferred herself onto the sofa. It was small, actually loveseat-sized, room enough for two, and she left enough room for him next to her, but barely. As he sat, they were pressed together almost intimately. Of course, over the weeks there’d been more times than he could count where they’d been in even more intimate proximity—the swimming pool, pressing weights, him lifting her in and out of the truck—always all work. But tonight it was all pleasure, no work attached to it. Pizza and conversation, then home afterwards…almost like a date.

  Almost like a date. The thought made him sweat, because what came next, well…couldn’t. First, it would break up the training relationship, which Anna needed a whole lot more than any other kind of relationship. And, second, he just wasn’t sure about her capabilities, her limitations. No, he didn’t exactly have taking her to bed on his brain, but he didn’t exactly not have it on his brain either.

  Being trainer to Anna was one thing, but lover? More and more that thought was there, and more and more he wasn’t fighting so hard to block it out. It wasn’t even a sudden thing so much as one that had been there from the start, one that he was only now understanding. Loving Anna and having a life with her might have some rough patches, but loving her and having a life without her would be devastating. Back and forth, back and forth. But it always ended up in the same place. He loved Anna Wells. When he reminded himself of that, the rest of it vanished. He was in love with Anna Wells! That was all there was.

  “Nice,” she murmured, settling in. “It’s always good to get out of the chair onto something soft.” Into something soft, like his embrace. Of course, that wouldn’t happen, but sitting here all pressed into him like she was, it was sure on her mind. She wanted to lean her head on his shoulder, pretend they were something they weren’t. Just a little lean… “Thanks for helping me earlier, that step I took.” And his shoulder was so leanable on. She’d been there bunches of times, but always in therapy or some other affiliated activity. Never just because she wanted to, because she was feeling mellow and happy and normal.

  No point in going any further since he was merely here to baby-sit until her dad got home.

  Glancing sideways at his shoulder, Anna did so want to lean, though, rest her head, feel his arm around her. “It’s difficult, having to think about it. Not having it come naturally. Guess that’s how toddlers feel, isn’t it? One step at a time, always on the brink of falling over.”

  “That’s how life is, Anna, whether or not you’re learning to walk. One step at a time and always on the brink of falling over.”

  “Yeah, well, some of us fall harder than others.”

  “So you don’t think about falling. You think in terms of those steps, and where they’ll get you.” Crossing one leg casually over the other, Mitch leaned back and finally settled in. “You think about the journey, not the setbacks. Speaking of which, what’s up with the boyfriend? You two still split?”

  “Still, and forever,” she said, then laughed. And it wasn’t a bitter laugh, but one more of relief and even mild amusement. “He called once, to let me know there were no hard feelings and if I ever needed any plastic work, he’d be happy to do it for old times’ sake. I always did have a feeling he wanted to get at the bags under my eyes.”

  “But they’re such lovely bags,” Mitch said, reaching to tilt her face toward him. Raising his hand, he traced a line under her left eye, his thumb lingering at the corner before he pulled it away. “You’ve earned every one of them,” he continued, so softly she could barely hear him. “And I’d break his scalpel before I’d let him do a thing to them.” Then he traced a line under her other eye, and followed it with a gentle kiss there.

  “Mitch, we…” Anna looked up at him, her eyes searching his, and she saw the confusion there. “I don’t know how we do this,” she said plaintively. “I want it and it scares me.”

  “Neither do I, but I don’t know how we don’t do this either, Anna. It’s all I’ve been thinking about for days—weeks. And I haven’t done anything, said anything because I’ve been afraid that you have so many expectations of me, expectations I can’t fulfill.”

  “My expectations are of me, Mitch, not of you. Sure, at first I expected you to get me better, but that night at the hospital, when I sat in Triage, I realized I had no right to expect anything from you—that I had to expect everything from me.” She slipped her hand into his. “And I’ll admit that I’ve been having thoughts about us for quite a while. Thoughts I’m not entitled to have.”

  “Not entitled?”

  “You don’t deserve to be saddled with someone like me.”

  “That’s you making a choice for me, Anna.”

  “The right choice, Mitch.”

  “For you?”

  “For you.” She fought to keep her voice steady. “I’ve told myself over and over that kiss didn’t mean a thing. That it was nothing. But it wasn’t, at least not to me. And I don’t think it was to you either. But you got us back on track right away. Kept the relationship where it needed to be. Where it still needs to be.”

  “Your choice again, Anna? I don’t get a say in this? Because I love you. Have from the start.” No doubts, no arguments now. He loved her, wanted to love her, had to love her. This was what he wanted. Anna was who he wanted—Anna, and everything that came with her. “I think that should make part of the choice mine. And I’ll admit, when I first started realizing what was happening to me, how I was feeling about you—actually, I think I realized it all along, but admitting it was another matter—I wasn’t sure if I wanted it or could even handle it. Hell, I couldn’t even cope with working with disabled patients anymore, then I went and fell in love with you. So, sure, I tried talking myself out if it, but it wouldn’t be talked away.”

  “Talked away? You wanted to talk away the fact that you’d fallen in love with me? See, Mitch. That’s the point. On one hand you love me, on the other I’m disabled. Believe it or not, I understand the conflict. Which is why this has to be my choice. If I leave it to you, you’ll make the commitment, get me to make one, too. Then when you realize how much of a commitment you’ve gotten yourself into, you’ll leave. And I’d rather have you here, doing what you do, us being the way we are, than have that happen.”

  “So I tell you I love you and your response is to tell me I don’t, that I can’t because you’re disabled? Give me some credit here, OK? I know what you are but, more than that, I know who you are. And I fell in love with who you are. But you’re going
to walk away from it, even if that’s not what you really want? And it isn’t. Even if you’re not ready to admit that yet.” He chuckled. “One thing I’ve learned with you is patience. And I’m becoming a very patient man, Anna. Patient and persistent.”

  “Patient and persistent maybe, but I’ve learned to deal with not getting what I want,” she said wistfully. “Because I’ve learned that what I want gets taken away, and I don’t want to keep losing over and over.” She wouldn’t tell him she loved him. She did, as she would never love again, but that would seal the commitment, lock him to her in a way he didn’t need to be locked. And, yes, it was her decision. The only one she could make. “I’m sorry, Mitch. So sorry…”

  Leaning her head against Mitch’s shoulder, Anna snuggled into his side, into the embrace of the arm that slipped around her, then she shut her eyes. She’d never spoken truer words. More than that, if it became Mitch’s choice, and the choice she deeply wanted to make, the outcome could be only one of two things—a filled to overflowing heart, or a broken one.

  And a broken heart was something from which she’d never recover.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  “I’M AFRAID this’ll be our last time in the pool this year,” Mitch said, inching his toes to the edge of the pool. “Tomorrow the construction to enclose it starts, and I’m hoping by January or so we’ll have it done. Maybe we’ll be skinny dipping on New Year’s Day. Sound good to you?”

  “Maybe you’ll be skinny dipping on New Year’s Day, and that does sound good to me, but I’ll be swimming in my long johns.” Anna remembered last New Year’s Day. Kyle had taken her out to show off the ring. It had been one week on her finger at the time, and she’d been filled with so many prospects for their future. Kyle…he was so long ago. Another life, practically forgotten now. “You didn’t have to enclose it on my account, by the way. Lanli’s therapy pool works,” Anna said, kicking up a little water. Not too bad. She had much more strength and movement these days. The hard work was finally beginning to pay off. In small ways, granted, but going in the right direction. She was getting muscle tone back, plus there was much more sensation. And she could lift her legs as they should lift, under the strength of her muscles instead of using her hands to pick them up.