The Little Red Book of Very Dirty Words
Page 4
douchepacker, n.
a lesbian who wears a strap-on dildo to have sex with other women; American
Maxine is into chicks, just not douchepackers.
You just take Katrina the douchepacker to prom. I’m sure you two will have like a real bitchin’ time.
—Juno
DSL, n.
acronym for “dick sucking lips”; American
That biddy over there has incredible DSL and I’m quite willing to accommodate her every wish for a blowjob.
duck butter, n.
sweat that accumulates in between a man’s scrotum and anus; American
Dude, it’s so hot in here I could practically wring out my boxers from all this duck butter.
dude, n.
informal way to address another male in a positive way; American
Dude, I call dibs on that chick, except if she’s a lesbian—then she’s all yours.
Let me explain something to you.
Um, I am not ‘Mr. Lebowski.’
You’re Mr. Lebowski.
I’m the Dude.
So that’s what you call me.
You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you’re not into the whole brevity thing.
—The Big Lebowski
E
eat shit, v.
to humble yourself; American
Whenever Darlene has had enough of her boss, she tells him to “eat shit and die.” She’s had five jobs in two years.
ego surf, v.
to surf the Internet looking for one’s own name; American
Andrew is so driven to be e-famous, that he spends half of the day posting and the other half ego surfing for his posts.
electile dysfunction, n.
the incapability to be aroused by any presidential candidates; American
Ralph made it to the booth to cast his vote, but then he suffered spontaneous electile dysfunction and immediately had to leave without casting his wad.
emo, n.
a form of punk rock known for its mildly pornographic, depressive, melodramatic lyrics; American
You’ll know Emo Eddie when you see him; he’s got that curtain of black hair falling across his face and “Pretend You’re Alive” by Lovedrug on his iPod blaring in his ears.
eye candy, n.
a very attractive person; American
That biddy was pure eye candy, so hot she could melt everything in the frozen food section with just a look.
eye sex, n.
undressing each other with your eyes; American
When Teresa and Eric looked at each other for the first time, that look lasted long enough to make him hard and her wet. Eye sex led inevitably to a one-night stand.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s it. While you were cooking, you know, he was watching one of those, uh, those, uh, telenov-els, y’know, with all those ripe honeys on it?
Y’know, he was really into it. I told you not to change the channel, man!
Y’know, dude needs his eye candy. That’s it!
—Breaking Bad
F
face fuck, v.
when receiving oral sex, a man thrusting as though having intercourse with his partner’s mouth; American
Face fucking is easier on those without a gag reflex.
fair dinkum, adj.
the real McCoy; genuine; Australian
Wait, her lady-bazzers are fair dinkum? No bloody way!
Wait, her tits are genuine? No fucking way!
fancy, v.
to desire; British.
I fancy the pants off her.
I’d like to get her in bed.
Some desire is necessary to keep life in motion, and he whose real wants are supplied must admit those of fancy.
—Samuel Johnson
fanny, n.
butt; American
With a fanny like hers, the term fanny pack takes on a whole different dimension.
Outside of the United States, fanny can also mean pussy, so think twice before you throw your fanny around overseas.
feel rougher than a badger’s arse, interj.
to be hung over; British
After the drunken escapades of my twenty-first birthday, I woke up feeling rougher than a badger’s arse and puked up the eggs and bacon that my mum made for me.
After the drunken escapades of my twenty-first birthday, I woke up hung over and puked up the eggs and bacon that my mom made for me.
fellatio, n.
polite term for a blowjob; American
She was a high-class girl, so she actually used the term fellatio when she asked me if I’d like a blowjob.
DERIVATION: Inevitably, this term comes from the Latin fellare, meaning to suck. Depending on who’s sucking whose dick, you may be a:
• FELLATRIX: woman performing fellatio on a man
• FELLATRICE: woman performing fellatio on a man
• FELLATOR: man performing fellatio on another man
filth, n.
filth, police; pigs; British
Watch out, the filth are somewhere nearby.
Watch out, the police are somewhere nearby.
fingering, n.
the act of inserting your finger in a woman’s vagina for her sexual pleasure; American
The art of fingering is one every young man should master—and every young woman should enjoy.
HOLD IT
In the Kama Sutra, a man who suffers from premature ejaculation is advised to caress his lover’s clitoris with his fingers to the point of orgasm before penetration.
If you need me, just call. You know how to dial, don’t you?
You just put your finger in the hole and make tiny little circles.
—Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid
fit bird, n.
hot chick; British
Let’s get drunk, guys, and see who can kiss a fit bird in this pub. (Because fit birds just love drunk guys.)
Let’s get drunk, guys, and see who can kiss a hot chick in this bar. (Because hot chicks just love drunk guys.)
flash git, n.
showoff; British
I don’t know why Sue likes that flash git—he literally was wearing a bright yellow jumpsuit and dancing like he was at a disco.
I don’t know why Sue likes that showoff—he literally was wearing a bright yellow jumpsuit and dancing like he was at a disco.
flash the V, v.
to show the vagina; American
This hot biddy named Tamora kept flashing her V to me while we were going over Titus Andronicus in my English class, which is just inappropriate on a whole other level. I’d still destroy that girl though.
DERIVATION: In Britain, flash the V means to flip the bird, so a particularly vulgar girl could flash the V twice at the same time.
“ V” CAN MEAN MANY DIFFERENT THINGS
The V sign in all its fingered variations (palm in, palm out, etc.) around the world can mean a number of wildly different things to different people:
• Peace, as in the “peace sign” popularized in the 1960s
• Victory, as used by Winston Churchill in World War II to encourage a besieged people
• The letter “V,” as employed in American Sign Language
• The number 2, when counting on your fingers
• Air quotes, a gesture with both hands that indicates putting a spoken word in quotes
• Flipping the bird, primarily in the United Kingdom
• The Devil, when placed behind an unsuspecting person’s head as “devil’s horns”
flippin’, adj., adv.
term used to censor “fucking” in the song lyrics of Flight of the Conchords; British, New Zealand
I sometimes say to people that I am in fact the mother flippin’ Rhymenocerous, but they don’t get my reference to Flight of the Conchords and look at me like I’m a crazy person.
float an air biscuit, v.
to fart; British
That bloody dog just floated air
biscuits. He stinks!
That damn dog just farted. He stinks!
frak (or frack), v.
term used on television show Battlestar Galactica to censor the word “fuck”; American
Frak you, if you don’t watch Battlestar Galactica like it’s your religion.
friar, n.
fuck; British
Robin’s a total bastard to his fiancée and he doesn’t give a friar.
Robin’s a total douche bag to his fiancée and he doesn’t give a fuck.
friends with benefits, n.
two friends who have sex, but aren’t in a romantic relationship nor have any of those emotions; American
Maurice and Noreen became friends with benefits, until Noreen started crying every time after they had sex, and so now they’re just friends with awkwardness.
fuck, v.
to have sex; American
To fuck or to make love, that is the question upon which many a relationship may ultimately flounder.
DERIVATION: The word fuck is nearly as old as, well, fucking itself. Some say it comes from the Greek word phu, which means to plant seeds. Under the Romans it became fu, as in fututio. That is, the repeated planting of seed after seed in a furrow. Some say that the word fuck most likely comes from the Old German fuk, meaning to strike, related to the Dutch fokken, meaning to thrust, and the Swedish fock, meaning penis.
Fuck is arguably the most versatile and functional obscenity in the English language. The many fucking ways in which you fuckers can fuck with the word fuck are unfuckingbelievable.
ROMAN POETRY SLAM
The Roman word futuo was the poetic fuck of its day. A favorite of the erotic poets, you’ll find it throughout the most licentious lyrics of the time:
sed domi maneas paresque nobis novem continuas fututiones
—Gaius Valerius Catullus (84-54 b.c. )
Translation: “But stay at home and prepare for us nine acts of fucking, one after the other.”
fuck, n.
jerk; American
Look up “pompous fuck” in the dictionary, and you’ll find a picture of a DMV clerk next to it.
F IS FOR FILM
Pulp Fiction. The Big Lebowski. Goodfellas. Boondock Saints. These classic movies (okay, well maybe not Boondock Saints) are all known for their colorful dialogue . . . but the grand prize winner goes to Casino, in which the F-word appears a record 422 times.
Fuck you,
you fucking fuck!
—Blue Velvet
fuck buddy, n.
a person who someone has sex with but has no emotional obligation like in a relationship; American
For people who are congenitally incapable of long-term romantic relationships being fuck buddies is a fun and commitment-free alternative.
Top Ten Fuck Buddies Wish List
1. Tina Fey
2. Jon Stewart
3. Drew Barrymore
4. Ryan Reynolds
5. Katherine Heigl
6. James Franco
7. Sandra Bullock
8. Will Ferrell
9. Amy Adams
10. Vince Vaughn
fuck like rabbits, interj.
to have frequent sex; American
I’m surprised that either one of them has time to go to work because they fuck like rabbits.
fuck off, v.
to tell someone to get lost or scram; American
I told that loser boyfriend of mine to fuck off forever.
I’m no one’s lap dog, you can’t put me on a leash, and that was the attitude of it, fuck off.
—Johnny Rotten
fuck over, n.
to cheat or scam someone; American
That judge really fucked over my ex in court. But I’m the one paying palimony.
fuck up, v.
to mess up, make a mistake; American
We couldn’t call our boss such a fuck-up if he didn’t fuck up so often.
Half of life is fucking up the other half is dealing with it.
—Henry Rollins
fuck you, v.
common curse meaning “damn you”; American
Fuck you and the horse you rode in on—that’s what the cowboys say.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you’re cool, and fuck you, I’m out!
—Half Baked
fuck-you money, n.
money that buys you enough freedom to do what you like; American
The best kind of financial windfall is fuck-you money.
The more money I earn, the less they can stop me. Where I come from, it’s called
fuck-you money,
because I don’t have to take an ounce of shit from anybody.
—Michael Moore
fucking, adj.
used as an intensifier; American
George Clooney is not just handsome, he’s fucking gorgeous!
fucking A, interj.
short for “fucking awesome”; agreement; American
Fucking A, that was a macking double overhead. Epic surf, dude!
fuckwit, n.
variation of nitwit; British
If you’re looking for a fuckwit, look no further than the House of Lords.
If you’re looking for a fucking moron, look no further than Congress.
fudge packer, n.
someone who likes to fuck someone in the ass (usually referring to a gay male but not always); American
Doing it with a fudge packer can be really messy— not that there’s anything wrong with that.
front bottom, n.
vagina, crotch; British
When I was in my bikini, Jeff wouldn’t stop complimenting me on my front bottom, the fucking pervert.
When I was wearing my bikini, Jeff wouldn’t stop complimenting me on my crotch, the fucking pervert.
full of shit, adj.
completely made-up, lying; American
Craig was so full of shit when he talked about having sex with all of those supermodels.
G
gagging, v.
begging; American
That dreamer Harold thinks every woman he meets is gagging for his dick.
DERIVATION: Gagging can also refer to the (involuntary) reaction that takes place when deep-throating a dick.
gang bang, n.
a sexual act where a group of people (three or more) have sex with one other person; American
Initially the head cheerleader was the main attraction of the gang bangers, but lucky for her the football team swung both ways—so when the so-called gang bang became an orgy of bisexual men, she escaped with her pompoms still intact.
get stuffed, v.
similar to fuck off, only not as harsh, meaning “no way!”; British
You wanna watch Strictly Come Dancing? Get stuffed, I’m not watching that shite.
You wanna watch Dancing with the Stars? Fuck off, I’m not watching that crap.
ghetto booty, n.
a big, firm butt; American
If that girl’s ghetto booty ran the world, there would be global peace.
Booty is just a ghetto expression, and I’m just a booty star.
—Richard Pryor
give a shit, v.
to care about; American
I’m sorry, I think that you’ve mistaken me for someone who gives a shit.
Rehabilitated? It’s just a bullshit word.
So you go on and stamp your form, sonny, and stop wasting my time. Because to tell you the truth, I don’t give a shit.
—The Shawshank Redemption
give head, v.
to perform oral sex on a partner; American
So, she wouldn’t give Marcus head unless he talked like William Shatner while she did it.
glory hole, n.
a hole in a men’s bathroom stall in which a man sticks his penis through to be orally pleasured anonymously by someone on the other side; American
What enquiring minds want to know: Was there a glory hole in that bathroom stall wher
e Senator Larry Craig was allegedly caught making overtures to the undercover cop in the next stall?
go to town, v.
to have sex with someone; American
If given the chance, I would absolutely go to town on that chick at the bar over there. And if pigs could fly, she’d let me.
gobshite, n.
a person who talks nonsense; British
I’ll need more lager if I’ve got to sit with my brother-in-law Matt because he talks such gobshite.
I’ll need more beer if I’ve got to sit with my brother-in-law Matt because he talks such shit.
golden shower, n.
a sexual act involving urination, generally a woman urinating on a man; American
She told me her ex-boyfriend had a pee fetish and loved it when she gave him a golden shower.
Golden showers feature prominently in a number of films, most notably Barbet Schroeder’s Maitresse.
gooch, n.
a patch of skin between the balls and asshole; taint; British
Shut up or I’ll wipe my sweaty gooch on your face Shut up or I’ll wipe my sweaty taint on your face.
goolies, n.
balls; British
Tea baggin’ is dippin’ your goolies in an obliging lady’s mouth.
Tea bagging is dipping your balls in a horny lady’s mouth.
gooseberry, n.
third wheel; British
I believe I ruined Peter’s chances of scoring with Diana because I was the gooseberry on their date.
I believe I ruined Peter’s chances of scoring with Diana because I was the third wheel on their date.
gormless, adj.
clueless; British
That chick was all over him but he was completely gormless until I pointed out that her hand was in his pants.
That chick was all over him but he was completely clueless until I pointed out that her hand was in his pants.
goddammit
to curse or condemn through heavenly intervention; American
Watch out when the Colonel says, “goddammit.” It means a five-mile march for all of us.