The Little Red Book of Very Dirty Words
Page 5
grizzle, v.
to gripe; Scottish
My dad says Uncle John grizzles because my aunt won’t stick a butt plug up her ass when they have sex—unless he will.
My dad says Uncle John complains because my aunt won’t stick a butt plug up her ass when they have sex—unless he will.
growler, n.
a hairy vagina; American
I saw my roommate’s girlfriend naked by accident once a decade ago, and I still dream about her groovy growler.
G-spot, n.
short term for the Graffenberg Spot located inside the front wall or anterior of the vagina and very sensitive to arousal; American
Pedro failed so many times at finding her G-spot that he would just give up and play video games, so he could win at something.
Top Five G-Spot Positions
1. Woman on Top
2. Doggy Style
3. Spooning
4. Reverse Cowgirl
5. The Peacock
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot? I’ll spend twenty minutes looking for a golf ball!
—In the Company of Men
G-string, n.
a narrow piece of cloth designed to cover the pubic area held on by a string; American
Inside every woman, there’s a G-string stripper dying to get up on a pole and dance every once in a while.
DERIVATION: The original “geestring” was the 1800s-era term used to describe the string that held up the loincloth worn by Native Americans. By the 1930s, G-string also referred to the underwear primarily worn by strippers at the time. Pinup girl Betty Page caused a sensation in the 1950s when she donned her own handcrafted G-strings. Times have changed.
gully hole, n.
a vagina; American
Chad’s hitting on that brainiac, claiming that he likes smart women, but really he’s only after her gully hole.
H
handlebars, n.
a pig-tail hairstyle; American
Men go for that naughty schoolgirl thing, so Rhonda wears handlebars when she’s trolling for profs.
hanky panky, n.
sex; American
When you’re serious about doing the hanky panky, you’re not on the dance floor any more.
hard-on, n.
an erect penis; American
Ronald took too many Viagra and ended up with the hard-on from hell.
When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher’s knife
and a hard-on,
I figure he isn’t out collecting for the Red Cross!
—Dirty Harry
have sexual intercourse, v.
to copulate; American
Foreplay is fine for an appetizer, but intercourse is the hungry man’s meal.
SYNONYMS OF INTERCOURSE:
attack the pink fortress
ball
bang
bash the beaver
be intimate with
beat
beat cakes
beat cheeks
boff
boing
boink
bone
break one off
breed
BUFU
bump nasties
bump uglies
bunce
bury the weasel
butt fuck
butter the muffin
chop up
clap
consummate
copulate
cornhole
creak the bed
dance with
declare war
destroy
dig out
do it
do the funky chicken
do the horizontal bop
do the hunka
chunka
do the laundry
do the nasty
do the wild thing
dog
dukin’
explore the map of Tasmania
feed the kitty
fire
fluff
fornicate
freakin’
frequent
fubb
fuck
geit
get guts
get it on
get laid
get some booty
get some dippings
get some nooky
get some stanky
giggity giggity
give it up
go at it
go to bed with
grease
GTD
hang some curtains
have relations with
have sex
hide the German sausage
hide the salami
hit it
hit skins
hit that
hizzit the
skizzins
hump
jazz
kertang
kick it
kill it
knock boots
knock it out
lay pipe
lie with
lock crotches
make babies
make happy happy
make love
make sexy time
make whoopee
piece of ass
pile
pipe
plow
poke
poonj
pound the duck
pull ass
put out
put the cat in the box
rail
ram
ride dick
ride the flagpole
ride the pink pony
ride the skin bus to tuna town
rock and roll
roll in the hay
root
run train
schtupp
score
screw
scromp
scuff
serve
shaboink
shag
shuck the oyster
skrog
skronk
slay
sleep with
spank
squeak
stang
stir up the yogurt
storm the cotton gin
swag
swap gravies
tap ass
twerk something
wax ass
whoo hoo
zig-zag
hen night, n.
bachelorette party; British
For Tiffany’s hen night, the girls hired a stripper who looked like Carrot Top, so it ended up being a very short party.
For Tiffany’s bachelorette party, the girls hired a stripper who looked like Carrot Top, so it ended up being a very short party.
hen-pecked, adj.
being ordered around by a woman; pussy-whipped; British
Henry is so hen-pecked—he literally left his own bachelor party because his fiancée called and told him to leave.
Henry is so pussy-whipped—he literally left his own bachelor party because his fiancée called and told him to leave.
A husband is a man who when someone tells him he is hen-pecked, answers, yes, but I am pecked by a good hen.
—Gill Karlsen
high maintenance, n.
a person who takes a lot of money and time to make happy; American
That woman with all the Mr. T bling is way too high maintenance for my hippie buddy Sam.
You’re the worst kind [of woman]; you’re high maintenance but you think you’re low maintenance.
—When Harry Met Sally
Hooray Henry, n.
brainless, rich, upper-class man; British
Common thieves are more respectable than the Hooray Henry of the London Stock Exchange.
Common thieves are more respectable than the brainless greed mongers of Wall Street.
hotbox, n.
a vehicle or closed room where the pot smoke doesn’t escape and fills up the vehicle or room; American
After a while of being in the hotbox, we had s
ome serious munchies so we stopped off at a donut shop, and gracefully stepped out of the car, smoke following us, in front of some cops.
hotdog, n.
slang for penis; American
When you’re the hotdog for her roll, that’s some kind of picnic.
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Many of our evocative words for fruits and vegetables are sexual in origin (the very word fruit can refer to the child borne of a sexual coupling):
• Avocado comes from the Aztec word ahuacatl, meaning testicle.
• Vanilla comes from the Latin word vaina, meaning vagina.
• Tomato comes from the Nahautl word tomatl, meaning swelling fruit.
• Carrot comes from the Greek karoton, meaning horn.
• Fig comes from the Latin fic, which as slang could mean cunt, due to the resemblance to female anatomy when cut in half.
hung like a horse, adj.
to have a huge dick; American
They may say size doesn’t matter, but if you’re hung like a horse, then you know better.
The Four Horsemen of the Acockalypse
1. Steve Martin
2. David Letterman
3. Billy Bob Thornton
4. Eddie Murphy
I
Irish kisses, n.
the act of farting on someone’s face; American
Harry’s girlfriend would often give him Irish kisses if he didn’t wake up after the alarm clock went off.
Italian hanger, n.
a sexual position where the woman lies on her back and the man holds up her legs and feet during intercourse; American
Ralph’s flexible girlfriend finally talked him into doing yoga after she introduced him to the Italian hanger.
Italian Stallion, n.
an attractive Italian man who has a large penis; American
Stella’s boyfriend, Anthony, might seem like an Italian Stallion, but he doesn’t actually know how to use his equipment for her satisfaction.
J
jailbait, n.
underage girls; American
Hey, those biddies might want our junk but they are definitely jailbait.
jam sandwich, n.
police car; British
Is that a jam sandwich behind us because only the bill could tailgate us that closely?
Is that a police car behind us because only a cop could tailgate us that closely?
jizz, v.
to ejaculate; American
Well, excuse me if it helps me jizz when a girl dresses up like a naughty schoolgirl.
John Thomas, n.
slang for penis; American
When he told her his penis went by the name John Thomas, and could she please call it that, she laughed out loud.
“John Thomas” was immortalized in Lady Chatterley’s Lover by D.H. Lawrence. Originally banned for obscenity in Britain, the novel was published in Italy in 1928.
Johnson, n.
dick; American
He whipped out his Johnson on the bus, but all he really had to do was pull on the chain to make the bus stop.
DERIVATION: “Johnson” owes its name to early twentieth century boxer Jack A. Johnson, the first African American to win the world heavyweight championship. When racist white America assumed he had a big penis because he was black, thereby accounting for his sexual prowess with white women, he allegedly stuffed his pants to good effect.
Don’t you just want to feel that cozy little box grip down on your Johnson?
—Sideways
juice the moose, v.
to fart; American
Dude, you better roll down your window because I’m about to juice the moose.
junk, n.
penis; American
My junk would fit into her DSL quite nicely.
junk in the trunk, n.
a girl with a nice large ass; American
That dancing chick with the junk in the trunk at the club mesmerized every dude in the place with that sweet swinging ass.
K
killographic, adj.
containing violent content; American
The wildly popular Grand Theft Auto is one of the most killographic video games ever to win the hearts and minds (and some would say souls) of fourteen-year-old boys.
DERIVATION: The expression killographic was created as a label for “graphic depiction of brutal violence” by the National Institute of Media and the Family.
kinky, adj.
weird, in a sexual context; American
Kinky is in the eye of the beholder.
The best kind of kinky sex is to have kinky sex with your wife or husband, the person you love.
—Frank Langella
kickin’, adj.
smelly, malodorous; American
Since his girlfriend moved out, Sam went from well-groomed to kickin’—and his house wasn’t much better.
knee trembler, n.
hurried sex while standing; British
I had a knee trembler with her in the toilet, while her bloke was at the bar.
We had a standing quickie in the bathroom stall, while her boyfriend was at the bar.
In the Kama Sutra, lovers are advised to “feed the peacock” in a standing sex position designed for passion in a hurry.
knob-end, n.
dick head; British
My knob-end is tender after last night’s escapades.
My dick head is sore after last night’s action.
knocked up, v., adj.
To get a lady pregnant; being pregnant; American
I should’ve wrapped it up ’cause now she’s knocked up.
KY Jelly, n.
sex lubricant; American
KY Jelly is the grease that makes the sex machine go round and round.
L
ladder, n.
run (in tights or pantyhose); British
Oi, you look like a right slapper with that big ladder in your stockings.
Whoa, you look like a real slut with that big run in your stockings.
lady-bazzers, n.
tits; British
I would motor boat her lady-bazzers until I passed out from exhaustion.
I would motor boat her tits until I passed out from exhaustion.
lairy bloke, n.
a man who ogles women; dirty old man; British
The shuffleball court is always full of lairy blokes.
The shuffleball court is always full of dirty old men.
lashed, adj.
drunk; British
After failing my A-levels, I got lashed to forget my worries, or at least pass out.
After flunking my exams, I got drunk to forget my worries, or at least pass out.
leathered, adj.
drunk; British
You should’ve seen us at karaoke last night, we were absolutely leathered.
You should’ve seen us at karaoke last night, we were absolutely hammered.
leg man, n.
a man who gets turned on by a woman’s legs; American
The longer the legs, the harder Sam’s dick. He’s a real leg man.
legless, adj.
really drunk; British
I didn’t think someone could get so legless on champagne, but Denise is truly a lush.
I didn’t think someone could get so smashed on champagne, but Denise is truly a lush.
lemon party, n.
three or more old, fat, gay men with flaccid penises in an orgy; American
Everybody loves a lemon party—or not.
let one go, v.
to fart; American
Whoever let that one go must’ve devoured week-old roadkill and washed it down with rotten milk.
Limey, n.
a Brit; British
Sydney’s full of Limeys these days. It’s a disaster— from some Aussies’ point of view.
Sydney’s full of Brits these days. It’s a disaster—from some Aussies’ point of view.
DERIVATION: The term Limey comes from
British sailors’ use of lime juice to prevent scurvy.
Two Limey fucking filmmakers
hanging from their skinny pricks over an 8th floor balcony, for shooting unauthorized footage of an Arty Cohen fighter.This! This is my definition of a situation!
—The Calcium Kid
lingerie, n.
undergarments worn by a woman to arouse her partner; American
I was aroused by my wife’s lingerie but then wondered how much it cost; this thought decreased my arousal.
I wear women’s leggings under my clothes, but no lingerie.
—Dennis Rodman
lipstick lesbian, n.
a lesbian who is feminine and attracted to other feminine lesbians; American
When actress Anne Heche was going out with mega-celeb Ellen DeGeneres, the media dubbed her the most famous lipstick lesbian in the world.
liptease, n.
the act of putting on lipstick in a sexually suggestive way; American
A well-performed liptease can prove as effective a strategy as its counterpart, the striptease.
London Bridge, n.
the act of two guys having sex with two girls from behind while the girls are facing each other on all fours and making out; American
Many things have to go well for a London Bridge to become a reality . . . many more things for it to work. Thinking of the logistics involved gives a whole new meaning to London Bridge is falling down.
lose the plot, v.
to go crazy; British
Mark lost the plot after he caught his brother shagging his wife.
Mark went crazy after he caught his brother fucking his wife.
lush, n.
A person who gets drunk easily and, in most cases, flirtatious; American
The difference between lush and lust is just one martini.
lust, n., v.
the attraction or desire to have someone; to desire to have sex with someone based on physical attraction; American
I had a deep lust for the bartender, but when I found out she really enjoyed Battlestar Galactica, I fell in love with her.
M
to mack on someone, v.
to hit on, flirt with someone; American
That hooker was mackin’ on my husband so I popped her one.