White is for Virgins

by Necks, S. Eva

  “Just the one he needed,” I mused. “Oh my God, that’s crazy.”

  “Yeah,” Lily agreed. “Go have fun with him,” she encouraged, playfully nudging me with her elbow. Justin was in fact calling me over. “What’ll it hurt, right?”

  I got up and walked over to him with a hopeful attitude. He’d bought me my tickets – I needed to use them.

  “So are you only into Ferris Wheels?” he asked as we started walking together. The group had kind of split up.

  “You think I’m a softy?”

  He smiled knowingly. “I think you’re a softy.”

  “You think I can’t handle some of these rides?”

  “Some?” he smirked.

  “We’re using up every ticket, then,” I said, rising to the challenge. I grabbed his arm and pulled him towards the ‘Spooky Maze’ that was set up.

  He ended up getting us more tickets as we proceeded to go on every possible ride.

  The night ended with the entire crew reuniting on the Ferris Wheel. It had gotten kind of chilly, so Justin and I sat close in the cart. It stopped at the very top, rocking back and forth almost unpleasantly as more people got on. I didn’t mind the screeching or the rocking, though.

  “Justin?” I asked, leaving the view of the night sky to look at the boy next to me.

  “Hmm?” he asked, seemingly surprised. We both noticed just how close we were; how close we’d been the entire day.

  “Not to sound forward or anything,” I sighed, “but why haven’t you tried to kiss me?”

  We stared into each other’s eyes for a moment, hanging thirty feet from the ground in a rocking, rusty yellow cart.

  He chuckled, breaking the spell.

  “I’m serious,” I said, trying to deny the smile that was forming on my lips.

  “Em, trust me, I would’ve done it a long time ago if Fox wasn’t my friend,” he admitted, scratching the back of his head.

  It always comes back to him.

  “What does he have to do with anything?” I asked, staring forward at the lake in the distance. The moon’s reflection danced across the water. “He’s on a different continent right now.”

  I can’t even say his name.

  “That doesn’t change that you’re his girl,” Justin reasoned softly.

  That got me a little defensive. “I was never his anything.”

  “Sure looked like it at prom…”

  It always comes back to prom, too. Really now?

  “Looks can deceive,” I challenged.

  “Where’s this going, Emery?” Justin asked suddenly. “Are you saying you want me to kiss you?”

  I looked at him again, thinking his question through.

  Did I want him to kiss me?

  My heart ached as I realized the answer.

  “No.” I smiled sadly and rested my head against his shoulder as the wheel started turning again.

  ***

  It was well past eleven by the time I got home.

  “Emery!” my mom yelled excitedly from the kitchen. At least, I hoped it was excitedly. Sure sounded like it.

  “Hmm?” I called, taking my shoes off by the door and walking over to where she was.

  Everyone was gathered around the table. I noticed pizza boxes and two-liter soda bottles.

  “What is it?” I asked curiously.

  “We got the apartment!”

  “Mom, that’s great,” I grinned, returning her quick celebratory hug, “Where?”

  She let my dad take that one. “Well, when we were looking at places we started thinking about you, and college…”

  “Yeah…” I took the bait hesitantly.

  “It would cut dorm costs in half if you lived in state,” he finished. “So…”

  “We’re moving to Massachusetts?” I guessed, not sure if I liked the idea as it rolled off my tongue.

  “We start moving next week,” my mom nodded.

  “I have to quit my job?” I asked aloud, more to myself than anyone else.

  “Honey, it’s practically right by the border, you can still see all your friends and Nina,” she said reassuringly.

  I was nodding to please my parents; they didn’t need any more problems or grief about their decisions. But inside certain thoughts were sinking in.

  I was going to lose Holly sooner than I’d thought… my last tie to Fox.

  I need to move on. Literally.

  ***

  The day before the move I visited Nina to say goodbye. I tried to say it, but she wouldn’t let me.

  “’Goodbye’ is for forever. It’s final,” she reasoned, cradling baby Andre and smiling. “And there is no way in… hell,” she whispered over the sleeping baby, “that you’re never coming back. What’s a thirty minute drive, eh?”

  I laughed, despite my eyes getting watery. I hated that I was getting emotional – it seemed like every time I was getting strong again I fell apart. “Nina, who’s going to help you out at Red Cross?”

  “We’ll figure it out,” she shrugged nonchalantly. “Maybe I’ll take in some more mandatory community service kids. That worked out okay, huh?”

  I must’ve reacted unconsciously to that statement because she instantly apologized.

  “I’m sorry, Gem,” she said sympathetically, “I didn’t think about what I was saying.”

  “It’s fine,” I nodded. “I know what you meant: things worked out in the center, even if they didn’t work out for him and me.”

  “You never know unless you try, right?”

  Carlos winked at me from across the room when he heard Nina say that. He was eavesdropping instead of watching his soccer game – the sneak!

  “What’s the point in trying, huh?” I reasoned. “I don’t think I could handle it when we broke up after however long we’d last, anyway. It’s good that he just left.”

  “Emery,” she scolded, standing up to carry Andre over to his daddy and kissing her fiancé’s cheek before returning to me. “You can’t be like that.”

  “Like what? Realistic?”

  “Like me,” she concluded.

  I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was serious. Gone were the playful, hopeful expressions she’d given me moments ago.

  “You tried to tell me, time and time again that I shouldn’t be alone. I knew you were stressing it because I was pregnant, but I also knew that you wanted me not to be alone and to be happy. Am I right?” she asked, waiting for my response.

  I nodded. Oh, she’s good. Using my own stuff against me.

  “Well now I’m telling you,” she stated, “that I was completely loca for ever thinking bad things and only bad things. How long before he leaves for someone better? What if we fight and I can’t handle it? What if we break up? That got me nowhere; that kept me planted on my ass, behind my desk, alone. Without Carlos I was so unhappy – incomplete. You don’t want to be me, baby, trust me. You never want to stop something before you even give it a chance to begin. That’s like…” her eyes scanned the room in search of a comparison to prove her point, “That’s like going to visit Clara and having a friendship with her, when you know she’s very sick and you might visit her one day to find that she’s gone.”

  I opened my mouth to challenge her, despite all her wise words. I closed it a moment later. There were no ‘but’s I could give. She was right.

  She grinned when she saw me struggle for words.

  “You’re such a mom! God,” I whined, dropping my head in my hands. She laughed heartily, pulling the curled up ball that was me to into an embrace.

  “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

  “As you should.”

  Chapter 38

  I sighed, going through the prom pictures Lily had given me before I’d moved. I couldn’t seem to look away from the one she’d snapped in the boys’ bathroom. She’d captured the kiss Fox had given me upon seeing me in my dress. My lips tingled as I stared at my entranced face and Fox’s elegant jawline. My cheeks burned as I stared at his hands,
gently holding my face.

  I forced myself out of the chair and away from the table; away from those pictures.

  I was decked out in the skimpiest clothes I could find: a pink tube top and some red boxer shorts that I normally wore to bed. The apartment was sticky – the humidity level was sky high. Never before had I breathed air so saturated.

  My parents were out, about thirty-three minutes away to bring more furniture from my grandparent’s house. We’d only taken the necessary stuff with us Friday, meaning two beds, a table, and a couch, so we could start living in the apartment. Now we just had to go and get all the other stuff to fill the place up; not that there was too much room. It’d be a homey space – living room and dining area connected to the kitchen, two bedrooms, one bathroom, and a little balcony. In the words of my mother, “What else do we need, huh?”

  A slight breeze rolled through and I relished those few precious seconds. The clouds had suddenly turned very dark and grey. I reluctantly closed the glass door of the balcony as the wind began to howl. It looked like a storm was coming. Because we hadn’t hooked up the TV yet, I couldn’t go and check the weather channel.

  “I need ice cream,” I declared, stalking over to the fridge. I found a bowl and a spoon and started filling it up with strawberry ice cream, keeping the freezer open to cool myself off a bit.

  After the first bite of yummy frozen dairy, I heard the doorbell.

  They have the worst timing!

  I whined, going to buzz my parents in and then sticking my bowl in the freezer to preserve my snack. Just as I was about to go downstairs and help them with the boxes, my phone rang.

  “Ugh!” I groaned, running over to grab my phone off the counter. “I can’t be everywhere at once,” I grumbled. The caller ID read: Mom.

  “Hello?”

  “Emery, honey, is everything okay? Is it raining there?” she asked worriedly.

  There?

  “Um, it just started to,” I replied oddly, looking out the balcony. “Where are you?”

  “I’m at Grandma’s with your father. It’s pouring so bad over here; there’s a tornado warning in effect for the next couple of hours where we are. It might move up to where you are, I don’t know what to do,” she said in a rush.

  “Mom, woah, woah,” I said, “Pause; rewind… Tornado warning?”

  “The world’s coming to an end, honey, I swear,” she claimed. “Are you going to be okay by yourself? I’m so scared to leave you baby but they’re showing it on the news in the town over, roofs are coming off of houses!”

  “Mom,” I said calmly, “I’ll be fine. It’ll die down soon enough, just stay at Grandma’s. Stay in the basement, alright? If it gets really bad I’ll go down to the first floor. Don’t worry about me – you just keep texting me and letting me know what’s up, okay?”

  I reached into the freezer for my ice cream and resumed eating it.

  “Okay honey, we’re going down right now. Your father’s taking all the food and water he can find with him just in case. We should be fine; I just hope it passes soon. Are you sure you’re not too scared?”

  There was an urgent knock on the door.

  Um, terrified, actually.

  “I’m fine, Mom, I love you,” I told her quickly, “Keep me posted – we don’t have cable.”

  “Love you, too,” she laughed, “We’re getting cable first thing in the morning!”

  Hanging up the phone, I inched silently over to the door and peeked through the peep hole.

  I nearly dropped the frigid bowl that was in my hands.

  Without a word, or a coherent thought, I unlocked the door and pulled it open.

  His hair was soaked, falling into his face; water was dripping onto his incredibly tan, impeccably gorgeous face from his flawless mop. His hands were braced on either side of the door frame as he stared at me with eyes as green as the summer grass. I was trapped instantly by them and their entrancing gold flecks.

  “Fox,” I whispered. I tasted the name on my tongue for the first time in weeks. “What’re you doing here?” I choked, eyes bulging as they processed the man before them.

  “What’re you wearing?” he breathed, unable to maintain eye contact. I felt blood rush to my cheeks.

  “Dad didn’t install the air conditioning,” I explained, all the while wondering why I was explaining my choice in outfit, of all things, to the boy who’d broken my heart.

  He seemed to buy the story. “Do you know there’s a tornado warning in effect?”

  I stared at him, letting him know I knew and I wasn’t about to keep up the small talk.

  His eyebrows rose curiously, almost warily, as he asked if he could come in.

  I stepped aside, well aware that my ice cream was nothing more than soup at this point. A crack of thunder sounded.

  “You’re back?” I asked simply.

  He turned to look at me. “I guess I am.”

  I saw he was searching the nearly empty apartment, walking dangerously close to the table. I ran over, placing my bowl on the table and scooping up the pictures. One fell as I lifted the pile.

  He bent down, picking it up and standing up slowly. It was the one I’d been staring at for hours earlier today.

  “Em?” he asked tentatively. “When you asked me what we were, back in that hotel room...” I blushed, looking away as he went on with his question, “what kind of answer were you looking for?”

  It definitely wasn’t “I don’t know”, I’ll tell you that much.

  “Why are you asking me this?” I asked, taking the picture from him and placing it at the bottom of the pile.

  “What are we?” he asked, staring me down. I couldn’t tell what he was expressing. Frustration or longing or pure anger?

  “I don’t know,” I deadpanned.

  He closed his eyes, exhaling slowly. When his eyes opened once more, they were a darker shade of green. Another crack of thunder rolled through.

  “Hurts, doesn’t it?” I asked softly.

  He smirked bitterly. “Almost as much as waiting all day at the airport for a girl to walk out of the terminal, only to find that she never even boarded the plane.”

  Thunder shook the house. My mouth went dry; I felt every ounce of blood pumping through my veins.

  What?