White is for Virgins

by Necks, S. Eva

  My eyes never left her.

  ***

  “Smile,” Millicent encouraged with a scarily large grin, holding the camera up as my father stood next to me and I held up my diploma. I actually did smile as a felt pressure on my shoulder, realizing it was attributed to my Dad’s hand.

  “Beautiful,” she smiled, “Now with Holly.”

  “I’ll take that one; you should be in one, honey,” my father said, stepping forward with an outstretched hand.

  “Let me,” a third-party voice offered.

  “Emmy!” Holly exclaimed, applauding.

  “Oh, thank you, Emery,” Millicent smiled, hoisting Holly up and pulling the family together. Needless to say I felt incredibly fake, forcing a smile for the sake of a picture.

  “Perfect,” she said with a voice as soft and meek as the smile she displayed.

  “Speaking of perfect,” Millicent giggled, checking the picture on the screen and nodding with approval. “That speech, honey… tremendous job. I got it all on film.”

  I noticed a cute, familiar tinge of color on Em’s cheeks as she chuckled and shrugged. “I don’t know what came over me.”

  “Amazing job,” my father commended as well. That I hadn’t expected.

  “Thank you, sir,” she replied, smiling before turning her attention to the person who was seeking it most. She twirled Holly around in circles with her finger before being called away by Lily.

  “If you’ll excuse me, my photography skills are required elsewhere,” she chuckled. “It was really nice meeting you all.” All of this was directed more at my family than at me.

  It’s like I don’t exist to her. I felt a pang in my chest, clenching my jaw shut and turning back to my family.

  “I take it prom didn’t go so well,” Millicent commented quietly, lifting Holly up once more.

  “Prom was great; just after…,” I sighed, running a hand through my hair. Both Millicent and my dad stared me down after that comment. “Nothing happened, calm down.”

  “Then what?” Millicent asked curiously. “She promised she wouldn’t break your heart; she doesn’t seem like that type.”

  “She didn’t, and she’s not. It’s all me, actually. That’s my type.” I was more admitting to myself than anyone else of what a complete fuck-up I was.

  “Fox–” she started soothingly, reaching out to me.

  “Son, go say goodbye to everyone,” my father suggested, pulling his Blackberry from his pocket. “We’ll be leaving soon.”

  I nodded, weaving through the throng of people.

  I found Nick with Lily. Emery was taking pictures of them.

  Lily’s smile faded slightly at the sight of me. Emery stiffened as I came up beside her.

  “Hey bro,” Nick said, his smile faltering as well, “don’t tell me you’re leaving already.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, man. I’m flying out to Boston in a couple hours.”

  “Dude, you can’t leave. Not before all the partying,” Nick claimed.

  “You’ll do just fine without me,” I smirked.

  “Guess I’m gonna have to.” Nick stepped forward, offering me a hand and reaching over with his other hand to slap me on the back. “Dude, enjoy yourself. Just don’t turn into some speedo-wearing, gelato-eating tool, alright? And tell your lovely mom I said hi.”

  “Bromance at its finest,” Lily smirked from the side, smacking Nick for mentioning my mother in such a suggestive tone.

  “Lily,” I sighed, holding my arms out.

  She smirked, hugging me and swaying back and forth a bit. “Have fun, buddy, and come back soon! Take lots of pictures, okay?”

  I rolled my eyes, promising nevertheless to take some for her.

  Finally, I turned to Emery.

  I cleared my throat obnoxiously. Lily and Nick mumbled some lame excuse and giving us some privacy in the corner of the lobby.

  “Congrats on the speech,” I offered lamely.

  “Thanks,” she said quickly, avoiding my eyes and staring at her heels.

  “I um,” I paused, reaching into the pocket of my plaid shorts, “I wanted to give you this, before I left.”

  “What is it?” she asked, taking the envelope cautiously.

  I said the first thing that came to mind. “Just a little graduation thing; don’t open it right now.”

  I watched uncertainly as she turned and put the envelope in her purse before turning back to me. “I’m moving tonight.”

  “Tonight?”

  “Yeah, we have to be out of the house by tomorrow. We don’t have an apartment yet, but we sold the house, so we need to go to my grandma’s for a bit.”

  “Oh.”

  Oh?

  “Sucks,” she sighed, staring off into oblivion behind me.

  “Emery!” I heard a distant voice call. Emery turned her head, finding the source of the voice.

  “Coming!” she yelled back. “Fox–” she started suddenly.

  “Yeah?”

  “…Have a safe trip,” she said finally, “I hope you have a good time with your mom.”

  “Thank you.” I watched as she hesitantly turned and started walking away.

  Everything that I would be leaving behind suddenly hit me like a brick in the face.

  “Em!” I ran, catching up to her and grabbing her arm to turn her around.

  “Hmm?” she murmured, searching my eyes almost expectantly. She looked like she was holding so much back.

  I did the only thing I could do.

  I pulled her to me, hugging her.

  “Have a good summer,” I whispered into her hair. I felt her arms squeeze my torso back for a few moments before she let go.

  “You too,” she replied, turning swiftly and sprinting over to her parents.

  I could’ve sworn I saw her move her hand to her eyes real quick.

  ***

  EMERY P.O.V.

  Why’d he have to hug me? Why couldn’t he just completely avoid me, and be an asshole, and not bother giving me some stupid card?

  I sighed, turning the envelope over in my hands once more before deciding to stick it in a random box as my Dad pulled up with a moving truck. It probably said something like “you’re a great friend”. I’d read it later, I decided, when I was more emotionally ready for whatever he wrote inside.

  Two days ago, I was so sure that anything – rejection – was better than not getting anything; of an ‘I don’t know’. Now my whole mind-set was shot. Was I really ready to face that Fox and I were just friends? I mean, could I handle being friends with someone like him?

  Was that even possible when I wanted so much more?

  When I couldn’t stand the thought of him being with anyone else?

  When–

  “I’m in love with him,” I murmured into my phone, feeling warm tears slide down my already wet cheeks. I leaned against the bathroom wall with my knees up to my chin; a complete wreck. The shower was running but I had no interest in getting up from my position on the cold linoleum. “Lily… he doesn’t even know how much.”

  “He never will if you don’t tell him,” she responded softly.

  “I can’t tell him, you know that,” I sighed, wiping my eyes with the side of my palm.

  “You’ve risked so much, already, Emery. I really think you’ve got nothing more to lose with just letting him know the truth.”

  “Except everything,” I muttered, tearing up all over again. “Lily I’ve already told him too much. I asked him for a label, in so many words, and he said, I don’t know. He left the freaking country – he’s halfway across the Atlantic by now – and I’m sitting here with my ass on the bathroom floor, bawling my eyes out. I’ve given him so much already, why give him more to use against me? I’ll just seem even more pathetic to him.”

  “Em,” Lily sighed. “You know how he is, though. We kinda talked about this; maybe you kind of freaked him out with the label thing. His first response wasn’t ‘friends’ or ‘fuck buddies’… you know? You just caugh
t him by surprise. Boys don’t think before they speak sometimes.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m convinced that if he felt half of what I felt I would’ve gotten something other than ‘I don’t know’. I just don’t understand why he’d get so close to me if he doesn’t feel the same,” I mused, staring at the sunflower wallpaper lining the walls of the spacious but dated room.

  “You don’t know that, though!” Lily insisted.

  “Do you think I should’ve just slept with him?” I sighed in defeat, laying my head back so it hit the wall.

  “What? No. If anything, I’m sorry for being one of those jackasses that got the idea so far into your head that you believed you were ready… it was completely your business, your choice–”

  “Lily, it’s not your fault.”

  “Well I feel like it is,” she apologized. “I definitely think you should stop questioning your decision. Never give yourself up if you’re not completely sure about it – worst thing you could ever do. You’d be so much worse if you went through with it and then found out he was leaving. Believe it or not, though, not all men are all sex, all the time. Fox is definitely capable of overlooking that need if he cares about someone.”

  I thought back to that night.

  “Lily,” I sniffed.

  “Yeah, babe?”

  “Thanks.”

  She chuckled. “For what?”

  “Dealing with me.”

  “Hey, you dealt with me. What’re friends for, right? I just wish I could hug you right now.”

  The last two tears spilled out of the corners of my eyes.

  “I wish you could, too,” I said with a broken voice.

  Chapter 37

  Lily was an amazing friend, I commended her efforts. I really did. Every day after graduation she’d come over and we’d do something.

  To be honest, at first I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t feel like I was capable of being fun.

  However, there were several key factors that prevented me from staying at home all day eating ice cream and microwaved pizza. For one thing, it wasn’t my house. The last thing I wanted to do was sulk in front of my parents and grandparents – no way in hell was I explaining my situation to them, especially prom night. Secondly, my grandparents didn’t even have ice cream or good, high quality junk food. Something about not having enough enamel to stand the pain? Thirdly, I got a car. It wasn’t anything special, but for my first car a used ’06 Chevy Cobalt was pretty alright. I wanted to drive it.

  So we went places – the mall, the park, the lake, the beach, the movies. We did whatever there was to do at least four times over in less than a month’s time. By late July I was pretty stable in terms of going on with my summer. I couldn’t very well just sit in bed.

  One breezy July afternoon, I was driving around with Lily and Nick, looking for some place to hang.

  “OHMYGOD,” Lily exclaimed, her face pressing up against the window.

  “What?” Nick and I asked at once.

  “It’s the carnival!” She pointed to a giant Ferris Wheel and a cluster of colorful machinery off in the center of town. “Oh my God, I can smell the fried dough as we speak.”

  “Wanna go?” I offered nonchalantly.

  “Like you even have to ask,” she laughed.

  I signaled right and headed for the fair while Nick and Lily whipped out their phones and started texting more people to come join us.

  Within half an hour our three-some had morphed into a seventeen-some.

  “Do people really have nothing better to do in the summer?” I wondered aloud, getting in line for tickets.

  “Guess not,” someone smirked behind me.

  I know that voice from somewhere…

  I looked over my shoulder hesitantly.

  The guy I saw was staring right back at me intently with a playful look on his extremely tan face. I didn’t know what to make of his presence. We weren’t exactly friends.

  “Miss me, Em?” he asked jokingly, motioning for me to move up as the line moved up.

  “No offense, Justin,” I muttered, “but not really.”

  “I figured,” he said truthfully. “We didn’t exactly hit it off.”

  “Ya think?” I smirked, finally in front of the ticket holder. “20, please.”

  “That’ll be 25 dollars,” the girl said behind the Plexiglas.

  “What a business,” I muttered, looking down at the scarce amount of dollar bills I had. “Um, can I actually just have 10, then?”

  “She’ll get 20,” Justin insisted, reaching his arm around me and handing the girl a fifty dollar bill. “And I’ll get the same.”

  “Are you sure?” she confirmed, evidently trying to be funny. Or maybe she was just flirting with Justin.

  “The tickets?” Justin asked expectantly.

  I bit down on my lip as she frowned and carried on with her job. Justin handed me my set of purple tickets and I followed him off to the side while we waited for everyone else to buy their stuff. Lily was out in search of fried dough.

  “Thank you,” I told him, “for these. I shouldn’t have let you buy them, though. I don’t really even want to be here.”

  He grinned. “It’s no problem. And don’t worry, you don’t owe me anything. Even if you don’t want to be here, you deserve to have some fun. 10 tickets wouldn’t get you shit around here.”

  I laughed at that one. “It’d get me at least one Ferris Wheel ride,” I shrugged. “I’d live.”

  “Well now you can ride it twice, maybe even three times,” he said, winking flirtatiously.

  I shoved him. “Same old Justin.”

  “Some things you can’t change,” he shrugged, shaking his black hair out of his eyes.

  “Yeah, evidently.” I gave him a smile, returning the one he’d been offering me from the start. It was only fair.

  “Hey!” Lily yelled, biting into her sugary treat and motioning for us to join the rest of the gang. Justin went over to Nick, and I found my place next to Lily as we all stood together and made plans for which rides to go on first.

  “What’s that about?” she asked, eyeing Justin.

  “I honestly don’t know… he bought me my tickets ‘cause I was short ten bucks, and then he started joking around and stuff. No overly nasty jokes, no asshole-ness, no evil look in his eye.”

  She shrugged. “I think it’s ‘cause of what happened like right after graduation.”

  I nodded for her to tell me more.

  “I heard he came home one night completely trashed, like, drunk, high, obnoxious, all that. His mom had to help him over to the shower and spray cold water on him all the while he was yelling and swearing at her and basically making her feel like shit, right? Get this, though… his little, like, eight-year-old brother was playing with his new camcorder and he caught the entire thing on camera. Watching that video and seeing how disgusting he was, I think it gave him a real good smack in the face.”