GERTRUDE Entirely possible. Sometimes I think all these people who say they’re being persecuted, perhaps they chose it too. Unconsciously, of course. It does make it rather hard to sympathize, though, doesn’t it?
ERIK That is the stupidest hog wash I’ve ever heard.
GERTRUDE (Haughtily.) I beg your pardon!!??
ERIK That half-baked philosophy is extremely dangerous.
GERTRUDE (Aside to Kitty.) Kitty, he’s a nut, move over. (Pulls Kitty over a bit Stage Right.)
ERIK Open your eyes, lady. Innocent people are disappearing around you. The Nazis are planning to tattoo people to separate them from the rest of us. There are stories of hideous camps built to isolate those out of political favor.
GERTRUDE (Blithely.) Such an alarmist. Besides, we all have many reincarnations. This one may be dreary, chances are the next one will be all champagne and caviar.
ERIK One day, you’re going to be shaken out of this foolishness and I’ll feel very sorry for you.
GERTRUDE Sing no sad songs for me, darling. Come, Kitty.
ERIK You’re famous, aren’t you?
GERTRUDE Extremely famous and extremely bored.
ERIK You’re Gertrude Garnet, the pianist. (Pronounces her name like the birth stone.)
GERTRUDE Gertrude Garnet. (Garnay.)
KITTY You’re an American. Are you here for work or amusement?
GERTRUDE Kitty.
ERIK I have important work in Germany.
KITTY I hope it won’t take up all of your time.
GERTRUDE (To herself.) I can’t believe I’m waiting out here without a car.
ERIK Where are you staying?
ERIK The Hotel Mitzi. I read about that in the newspaper. Yes, it was confiscated last week. When the concierge protested, he and the entire staff were executed.
KITTY How dreadful.
GERTRUDE Dreadful indeed. It’s Octoberfest and we’ll never find another reservation.
The Baron enters.
KITTY What are we going to do?
Gertrude approaches the Baron and asks him, in German, where she can find a hotel.
GERTRUDE Mein Herr, mein Herr, entshuldigen Sie bitte, mein Herr. Meine Freudin und ich suchen Unterkunft.
BARON I speak English, Gertrude.
GERTRUDE (Pleased.) Oh.
BARON I would recognize you anywhere. I am the Baron Von Elsner. (Attempts to take her hand, she withdraws it.)
GERTRUDE (Laughing.) I’m afraid I never let anyone touch my hands. They’re insured by Lloyds of London.
BARON (With great charm.) I can well understand. I have many of your recordings in my home. Your boxed set of Schubert is a particular favorite.
GERTRUDE The German composers are so good for the fingers. Have you heard my Beethoven “Appassionata?”
BARON It haunts me. I’m particularly fond of your Schumann “Fantasy Stucke.”
GERTRUDE Oh, and this is my traveling companion, the Countess de Borgia.
BARON (Takes her hand.) And are your hands insured?
KITTY (Coldly.) Just personal liability.
BARON (With veiled irony. To Gertrude.) Your friend is very amusing. (To Kitty.) You must visit our local circus. Unfortunately, our leading clown was mauled to death by an angry lion. I have not been introduced to your other friend.
GERTRUDE We just met him.
ERIK Professor Erik Maxwell.
BARON And your field of expertise?
ERIK Nutrition. I’m making a study of German dietary habits.
BARON Yes?
ERIK I believe there is a connection between the heartiness of German beer and bread and your legendary ambition.
BARON We do eat well, but you must not forget, we are the master race. Now, my dear Madame Garnet, you were asking me something.
GERTRUDE The Countess and I are in terrible straits. We had reservations at the Hotel Mitzi, and now I heard it’s closed. Could you recommend some first-class hostelry?
BARON The Mitzi was a dreadful place. May I offer you the use of my Schloss?
KITTY Come again.
GERTRUDE His Schloss, dear, his villa. We couldn’t possibly accept.
BARON It is quite lovely, right on the lake at Shauffehausen.
KITTY I’ve never been inside a real German slush.
GERTRUDE Schloss, dear. Perhaps we could spend the night, until we find further accommodations.
BARON Delighted. Professor Maxwell, you must join us for dinner. I find your theories most intriguing.
ERIK I will be there. Goodbye, ladies.
KITTY Then we’ll see you later at the Baron’s schnapps.
GERTRUDE Schloss, dear.
KITTY Right.
ERIK Till then. (He exits.)
BARON Shall we go? I’ll have my manservant collect your luggage.
GERTRUDE Just those thirty-seven pieces. This is such a lovely surprise. Baron, I can’t wait to see your magnificent shlong. I mean, schloss! (Mortified by her blunder.)
They all exit.
BLACKOUT
Wagner’s “Liebestod” is heard in Liszt’s piano transcription. As the action moves into the next scene that evening, the music becomes Gertrude’s playing in the adjoining salon.)
ACT ONE
SCENE 2
The Schloss of the Baron Von Elsner. That evening. The ski lodge has been the Von Elsner’s vacation home for generations and reflects their malevolence in its cold, grey austerity. A grotesque boar’s head is their notion of whimsical decor. There is a front door USC and a fireplace DSL. Above the fireplace is a portrait of Hitler. A large sofa Center Stage is the only furniture. A staircase starts USR and goes to a landing above the front door. There are two doors on this landing. Downstairs SR there are two doors. One to the kitchen (large swinging door) and DS of that door is the door to the concert room. On SL above the fireplace an archway leads to the library. We hear Gertrude playing the piano in the concert salon. Karel enters the front door with the very elegant BARONESS AUGUSTA VON ELSNER. White haired and magnificent, she is the Baron’s mother. Her aristocratic charm masks an evil, cold spirit.
AUGUSTA Ah, how grand to be home. Thank you, Karel, for escorting me from the train.
KAREL It is my honor, Baroness.
AUGUSTA (With grandeur.) This solid entry bids me welcome and gives me strength. Indeed, no one would dare invade my portal. My, what lovely playing. Is that a new recording?
KAREL The Baron is giving a party and the American pianist, Gertrude Garnet, is the guest of honor.
AUGUSTA (Somewhat disturbed.) An American? How very interesting.
BARON (Enters from the salon.) Mother, you’ve arrived, looking splendid. We’ve missed you. (Removes her cape.)
AUGUSTA I arrived home a day early and a grand soirée is in progress.
BARON (Gives cape to Karel.) An intimate supper party, nothing more. Karel, you may go.
KAREL Yes, your excellency. (Hangs cape in closet next to front door and exits.)
BARON Now, Mother, tell me of your visit to Heidelberg.
AUGUSTA Who is this American piano player?
BARON Gertrude Garnet is a world famous artist. She is to perform at the Festspielhaus next Tuesday. Madame Garnet and her friend, the Countess de Borgia, will be staying with us.
AUGUSTA The Countess, an Italian?
BARON No, she too is an American.
AUGUSTA (Thinking it over.) Two Americans under our roof?
BARON Yes, and they are charming ladies. Come, Mother, you must hear Madame Garnet play.
AUGUSTA Two Americans under our roof? Willy, is this prudent?
BARON I see no reason why it should not be.
AUGUSTA My dear son, we shall be at war with their country at any moment. What could you be thinking of? I am astonished. The Führer will not find this to his liking.
BARON (Exploding.) Mother, I will not be bullied by you or the Führer, do you hear me? (Stamps his foot.)
AUGUSTA Wilhelm!!! Don’t you dare ra
ise your voice to me, not in my house!
BARON (Meekly.) Forgive me, Mother.
AUGUSTA After you have finished entertaining these creatures, you will find them accommodations in the village for the night.
BARON (Quietly.) Mother, that I cannot do.
AUGUSTA Willy, is there something you’re not telling me? What is it? You and I have no secrets. We are partners, soldiers in arms.
BARON Madame Garnet . . . I am in love with her.
AUGUSTA Willy.
BARON I have met her but this morning and I am passionately in love.
AUGUSTA You cut a ludicrous figure. You are not a school boy with an idiotic infatuation. You are a commanding officer, serving the greatest leader in the history of the world. Now straighten your back and remember your duties. I shall telephone the Inn and find these women lodging.
She picks up the telephone on the mantle. The Baron stops her.
BARON You don’t seem to understand, Mother. I plan to marry her. She shall be the next Baroness Von Elsner.
AUGUSTA (Puts down the phone receiver. With great intensity.) Wilhelm, if you persist in this foolishness, before all the servants . . .
BARON I do not wish to argue. Have you never fallen in love at first sight? Of course you have, my darling, beautiful Mutti. Surely with Father.
AUGUSTA Indeed not. The marriage was contracted at birth. You should know. For centuries the Von Elsners have married their first cousins.
The music ends, we hear applause.
BARON Please, Mother, do not be rude to her.
AUGUSTA I am never rude.
Gertrude enters in a magnificent evening gown. She is followed by Kitty, Erik and DR. MAXIMILIAN. The Doktor is an elegant Nazi aristocrat in his forties. He, Kitty and Erik carry drinks.
DOKTOR Brilliant, simply brilliant, so passionate and yet so effortless.
GERTRUDE This is, of course, the secret to playing Wagner. One must and I say, one must, read his score as one would read Shakespeare. The notes themselves always dictate the emotion. (To Augusta.) Dear, I left my drink on the piano. (To the Doktor.) When I first approach any score, I look . . .
BARON Madame Garnet, this is my mother, the Baroness Von Elsner.
DOKTOR Augusta, we did not expect you until tomorrow.
AUGUSTA Evidently, Doktor Maximilian. I see you have taken time off from your medical experiments.
DOKTOR It has been well worth it. I only wish you had arrived earlier to partake of Madame Garnet’s genius.
AUGUSTA I am sure we will hear more from Fraülein Garnet before her visit is over.
BARON (With a note of warning.) Mutter, Du hast versprochen, Dich gut zu benehmen. (Mother, you promised you would behave.)
AUGUSTA (Disgusted.) Was siehst Du in Ihr? Sie ist so vulgaer and buergerlich. (What do you see in her? She is so vulgar and common.)
BARON Mutter, beleidige Sie nicht. Ich warne Dich. (Mother, do not embarrass her. I’m warning you.)
AUGUSTA Drohe Deiner Mutter nicht. (Do not threaten me.)
GERTRUDE (Oblivious.) Love your hair. What would you call that color?
KITTY Battleship grey.
BARON Mother, the Countess de Borgia and Professor Maxwell.
ERIK A pleasure.
AUGUSTA Another American. Ach du lieber. Has our country been invaded in my absence?
BARON Mother is quite comical. You know the German sense of humor.
Gertrude laughs gaily then abruptly stops when she realizes there was nothing funny.
AUGUSTA Madame Garnet, forgive my ignorance of your remarkable career. As chairwoman of the Reich Committee for the Preservation of the Teutonic Arts, I have devoted myself to the work of exclusively German artists. Do you include any Strauss in your repertoire?
GERTRUDE (With charm.) Indeed. His “Bein Schlafengehen” is a concert staple of mine.
AUGUSTA (Appalled.) An American playing “Bein Schlafengehen.” No doubt you also perform his “Burlesque in D.”
GERTRUDE (Understands the bitchiness behind the remark.) I sure do. I’m also quite adept with Liszt, particularly his “Weiner, Klager, Sorgan, Zagen.”
AUGUSTA (Topping her in bitchiness.) Really, of course, a true test would be Schumann’s “Warter, Warter, Wilder, Schiffsmann.”
GERTRUDE (The war escalates.) I play it with my eyes closed. Honey, get me in the right mood, and I’ll hit you with my “Faschingsschwank aus Wein!”
AUGUSTA I am sure you do quite a raucous “Freulings Fahrt!!”
GERTRUDE (Mad.) Oh, yeah!
LOTTE, the Baron’s teenage niece, appears at the top of the stairs. With blonde braids, elaborate traditional German costume, she is a twelve-year-old demon.
LOTTE (Scampering down the stairs.) Uncle, uncle, why did the pretty music stop?
BARON Lotte, what are you doing up so late?
LOTTE Uncle Willy, I heard the music. It was ever so lovely.
BARON Madame Garnet, my niece Lotte.
GERTRUDE Perfectly charming.
AUGUSTA Madame Garnet and her friends are from America.
LOTTE America. That dreadful place, so dirty, so crowded. All the races mixed up. (To Kitty.) You have such a funny face. Doesn’t she have a funny face? You must be a combination of a million races.
KITTY I sure am, honey, but you’re pure bitch.
GERTRUDE Kitty, that’s a terrible thing to say.
KITTY It must be this German firewater. I apologize, dear.
AUGUSTA You will find Lotte quite precocious. She has a great interest in history.
DOKTOR She knows far more than I do.
LOTTE (With perverse enthusiasm.) Oh yes, I practically live at the prison museum. Do you know they have a complete fourteenth century dungeon. They have a rare torture device whereupon four prongs are attached to the prisoner’s face and then stretched in four different directions.
KITTY A totalitarian face lift.
BARON Shall we have coffee in the library? Cook brews an excellent cafe Viennese, and we will have some chocolates.
LOTTE May I come, Uncle? I love sweets.
BARON May she, Mother?
AUGUSTA All right, but do not overindulge. Chocolate gives you acne.
She exits, Maximilian follows.
KITTY (To Lotte.) Oh, don’t worry, honey, tomorrow we’ll find you a nice medieval pimple popper.
She exits, followed by Lotte, then Erik. The Baron stops Gertrude.
BARON Gertrude, this has been such a delightful surprise, meeting you.
GERTRUDE And you were a godsend. I really don’t know what we would have done.
BARON I only wish I could spend more time with you. I have so many meetings and military obligations. I hope you won’t find our little village too tiresome.
GERTRUDE Oh no, I adore quiet places.
BARON Away from the glamor of Manhattan?
GERTRUDE Rather.
BARON Away from the many stage door Johnnies. Isn’t that what you call them?
GERTRUDE (Amused.) Yes, that’s what we call them.
BARON I imagine a woman of your fame and beauty has many, how do I say, flirtations?
GERTRUDE Fewer than you may think. I’m completely devoted to two figures, the bass and treble clefs. (Sits on sofa.)
BARON Is there no place in your life for love? (Sits beside her.)
GERTRUDE I’m not too keen on love, never having known it. Besides, my spiritual advisor, the swami, has made me realize that I can’t love others until I love myself first. I must be number one. And I can only make others happy after I have made myself completely happy, first and foremost. It may take years.
BARON You’re very mysterious, Gertrude. As mysterious as a prelude by Debussy.
GERTRUDE Am I? (She plays piano scales on her arm of the sofa.)
BARON Such beautiful hands. Let me see them. Ah, lovely. So delicate. (She displays her hands in a picturesque manner.)
GERTRUDE Yes. Every finger is double-jointed and X-rays have revealed larg
e airpockets in the bone marrow.
BARON So sensitive and yet so practical. Rather like myself. I feel as if we were two melodies that fit together in perfect counterpoint.
GERTRUDE I’m flattered, your excellency.
BARON Your excellency? Why so formal? You Americans are so famous for your nicknames. What shall you call me?
GERTRUDE (Flirtatiously.) Well, for Wilhelm, I could call you “Bill.” And, of course, you are a bit older than I, I could call you “Popsie.”
BARON No, I don’t care for that. What about “darling?”
GERTRUDE Don’t you think that’s a bit too intimate?
BARON (Rises. Intimately.) No, I don’t. And to demonstrate our intimacy, I shall let you in on a little secret. I’m going to show you something of mine I don’t let everyone see.
GERTRUDE (Dubious.) Oh, yeah?
BARON You see that portrait of the Führer?
GERTRUDE An excellent likeness.
BARON (Pulls, it away, revealing a safe.) It conceals a safe. Most clever. Everything of importance is locked in that safe. Let me see if I can remember the combination. Now, close your eyes.
She does. He murmurs the combinations, she mouths it to remember.
BARON Turn right three times to zero, left all the way round to six, right back to twelve. Open sesame. Voila!
GERTRUDE (Stands and crosses to Baron.) Whatcha got in there, Billy boy?
BARON All sorts of goodies. This ring once belonged to the Grandduchess Mathilde.
GERTRUDE Ooh, daddy, emeralds.
BARON (Gives her ring.) It looks lovely with your hair. Try it on. She puts on the ring.
BARON Most attractive. It’s yours.
GERTRUDE I couldn’t possibly . . .
BARON Please, it gives me pleasure, but for now, when you see Mother, turn the ring around.
GERTRUDE By all means.
BARON (Silly.) And there’s more where that comes from, baby. But only for the girl that I marry.
GERTRUDE Mmmm, you’re tempting me. And all in that safe?
BARON No, no, no, no. They are in a special vault. The most precious object in this safe is this set of keys. The keys to every room in the house and for the rooms off the catacomb.
GERTRUDE The catacomb?
BARON The house was built in the fifteenth century. My warrior ancestors built a mile-long network of tunnels leading away from the house as an escape route.
The Tale of the Allergist's Wife and Other Plays Page 11
