I Can't Let Go

by Chenell Parker

  “You good?” Hassan asked, starling Kimora when he ran the cold towel on her forehead.

  “Yeah, I’m good. Thanks boo.” Kimora smiled. Hassan was good to her and she loved him for it. He wasn’t only good to her; he was good to the person who mattered the most.

  “You better get up. You know it’s only a matter of time before we have company,” Hassan laughed, right as the bedroom door swung open. Winter ran into the room followed by her new bossy owner.

  “Mama, I want pancakes,” Kimora’s three-year-old daughter, Santina, said as she ran into the room and jumped in the bed.

  Kimora was two months pregnant when she left New Orleans. Her positive pregnancy test was the gift that she had for Tino the night that he got shot. Thinking of her unborn child had Kimora running for both their lives and never looking back. Tino stayed in the hospital for about two weeks and it took everything in her not to rush back to New Orleans and be by his side. The life that was growing inside of her made her think twice. They never found out who shot him, and Kimora didn’t feel safe.

  “Okay baby, I’m coming.” Kimora smiled.

  “Daddy can make me some,” Santina said as she smiled at Hassan.

  Kimora met Hassan when she was pregnant with her daughter, but they didn’t go on their first date until Tina was six months old. They mad things official when she turned a year. They didn’t live together but they were always staying the night at each other’s houses. Miko and Prince hated that Santina called another man daddy, but she started doing that on her own. As soon as she made a year old, she was calling Hassan daddy, no matter how many times Kimora tried to correct her. Hassan didn’t have any kids of his own and he loved it. He was an only child and his parents loved Santina just as much as he did.

  “Alright but don’t be mad when your pancakes taste like glue,” Hassan laughed as he picked Santina up and took her to the kitchen. Kimora got up and did her morning hygiene, right as her phone started to ring. She saw the number to the prison pop up and she answered the phone on the first ring. After accepting the call, she was connected to Miko.

  “Hey sister,” Kimora said as she put toothpaste on her brush.

  “Hey boo. What’s up?” Miko asked.

  “Nothing much. I just got up,” Kimora said as she brushed her teeth.

  “What’s up with mama? She be sounding so sad every time I call her,” Miko noted.

  “I don’t know girl. She’s miserable living here, especially since Al is gone,” Kimora replied. Al moved back to New Orleans over a year ago and he and Prince got a place together. It was nothing but a hoe house, but he was happy to be back home. Their father was pissed and hadn’t spoken to him since he left. Al worked but he was out there in the streets with Prince too.

  “I don’t know why she’s still there. Daddy is selfish as fuck. I wish she just leave his ass and make herself happy,” Miko fussed.

  “I said the same thing, but you know how she is. She’s been waiting for him to change for years but that’s just who he is,” Kimora replied.

  “Where’s my niece? Let me talk to her,” Miko requested. Kimora washed her face before going into the kitchen and handing Santina the phone.

  “That’s Miko,” Kimora said.

  “Hey Tia!” Santina screamed into the phone loudly. She was learning Spanish and Tia meant auntie.

  “Not so loud,” Kimora admonished.

  “I’m eating pancakes. My daddy made them for me,” Santina replied.

  She spoke so well to be only three and Kimora gave most of the credit to daycare that she had been going to since she was a year old. They were the best in Carmel and their prices reflected that. They also had a waiting list that was months long but Hassan’s father, Hudson, was well known and connected. He was a state representative and was known for giving back to the community. Her father loved him because he pulled a lot of strings and got him a promotion with the police department. Hudson and Hassan also ran a very successful insurance company. They sold life, automobile, homeowners and any other kind of insurance that a person needed. They had a total of twenty employees, but Hassan handled the day to day business. His father was usually busy with politics, but he didn’t mind.

  “Here mommy. My Tia wants to talk to you,” Santina said while handing her the phone that was now sticky with syrup.

  “Yeah,” Kimora said when she got back on the phone. She walked off and went to the bathroom in her bedroom since she knew that her sister was about to go off.

  “You know I’m not feeling that shit and you need to fix it. Hassan is not her daddy,” Miko fussed.

  “Come on Kimiko. We have this conversation every time you call,” Kimora sighed.

  “And we’re gonna keep having it until you fix it. You already got me in a fucked up position. I don’t lie to my husband about nothing and you know that,” Miko said.

  “You’re still not lying to him about nothing,” Kimora noted.

  “I might as well be. Keeping shit from him is just as bad. That’s not fair Kimora. Tino deserves to know that he has a daughter,” Miko said.

  “Please don’t start that shit Miko. I’m wrong and I know that I am, but my hands are tied. I still have nightmares about them niggas coming to our house and shooting him down like a dog. They were talking about killing me, Kimiko, and I don’t even know why. Santina probably wouldn’t even be here if I hadn’t left. Almost four years later and that shit is still fucking with me. I haven’t had a full night of sleep yet,” Kimora said as tears fells from her eyes.

  “I know this is hard on you sis but I’m sure it’s just as hard on Tino. He got shot and you were the first person that he asked for when he woke up. Almost four years later and he still doesn’t have closure. I just wish there was a way to get this entire situation resolved so that Tina can get to know her family. She looks just like them and she deserves to know them,” Miko reasoned.

  She wasn’t lying about Santina’s looks. She looked exactly like Tino, right down to his complexion and hair texture. Kimora saw him every time her daughter smiled or frowned. She made it a point to make sure that Santina learned Spanish since that was a big part of who she was. She hated that she didn’t know her father or his family but that was just the way things had to be for now.

  “I agree Miko but that’s easier said than done. I hate that you’re in the middle of my mess but I didn’t want things to be this way. Tino was who I wanted to grow old with but shit just went left,” Kimora said as she blew out a breath of frustration.

  “I know it’s hard sister. As much as I love Dirty, my loyalty is to you first. He’s gonna be pissed with me when he finds out though,” Miko replied.

  It was bad enough that Tino and his entire family looked to her for answers when Kimora first disappeared. Although Miko knew where she was, she couldn’t sell her sister out. She would always say that Kimora was okay and just leave it at that. Even Dirty tried to get it out of her but she wasn’t folding. Kimora was shook when Tino got shot and she was still paranoid now.

  “What do you mean when?” Kimora asked.

  “Be real Kimora. You and I are too close for him not to. Whenever I come to visit, you know he’s gonna come with me. Santina is my only niece and you know I’m gonna be spending time with her. My husband is your daughter’s cousin. Think about that for a minute,” Miko said.

  “I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it,” Kimora replied.

  “What are you doing for your birthday next week?” Miko asked.

  “Nothing,” Kimora replied sadly.

  Birthdays weren’t even the same for her anymore. Instead of being happy on her special day, she was always down and depressed. She missed Tino so much and the thought of him celebrating without her made her sick. Although she had a man, Kimora didn’t want to imagine him being with another woman. She never asked her sister anything about him and she stayed away from social media to make sure she didn’t see anything. Kimora disabled all of her pages and she was happier wit
hout it.

  “Aww sis, I’m sorry. I know that’s a bad time for you,” Miko said.

  “I’m okay. I’ll just be thankful to see another year,” Kimora sighed.

  “Twenty-four years young, huh bitch. And still looking like you’re twenty. That body snapped back fast as hell after you had Tina,” Miko said.

  “Snapped back my ass. I still see my personal trainer three times a week to keep this body right. I’m going see his ass today,” Kimora laughed, right as the one-minute message came on.

  “I love you sister. I’ll try to get the cell phone from my girl and call you back later. I’m not trying to break you with these phone calls,” Miko said.

  “I love you too sister and we’ll be there to see you in two weeks. And stop worrying about money. Call as much as you want to. I’ll worry if you don’t,” Kimora said, right before the phone hung up.

  Kimora was deep in thought for a while as she thought about everything that her sister was saying. She knew that she was wrong for a lot of things that she’d done but she didn’t know how to correct her mistakes.

  “You okay baby? You been zoning out a lot more than usual,” Hassan said when he walked into the bathroom and pulled her away from her thoughts. He didn’t have to ask her what she was thinking about because he already knew. Kimora confessed to still being in love with her daughter’s father, but he didn’t care. He was all the way in New Orleans and she hadn’t seen him in almost four years.

  “Yeah, I’m okay. I’m about to take a shower so I can get my day started. My workout session is at ten,” Kimora replied as she stripped out of her clothes down to her thong.

  “Damn,” Hassan said as he licked his lips and walked over to her. He palmed Kimora’s round ass and squeezed it.

  “Don’t even think about it. You know Tina ain’t even having it,” Kimora laughed when she saw him pulling at the waistband on his sweats.

  “Come on baby. You know how she gets when she’s watching tv. She won’t move for hours,” Hassan said as he started to kiss her neck.

  He dropped his pants and boxers and pulled her underwear off. When he saw that Kimora wasn’t objecting, he slipped his tongue in her mouth as he positioned himself at her opening. Kimora moaned when he entered her, but she didn’t want to get her hopes up too high. The moment never lasted long but she was going to enjoy it while she could.

  “Oh shit,” she hissed as she wrapped her legs around his waist.

  Kimora was praying for a miracle as she worked her hips and received every inch that he was giving her. Hassan was well endowed and his stroke game was on point. She pulled him in deeper, hoping that she could get the nut that she so desperately needed. Kimora was almost desperate, but she soon realized that she’d gotten her hopes up high, once again, for nothing. About five strokes later, it was over, and she was more frustrated now than she was before they started. Hassan’s now flaccid dick slipped out of her and it took everything in her not to scream.

  “I’m sorry baby,” he said while dropping his head in embarrassment.

  “It’s okay boo,” Kimora said as she kissed his lips and rubbed his back.

  Hassan was handsome with his chestnut brown skin, low wavy hair and dark hazel eyes. He wasn’t as tall as Tino, but he was still much taller than Kimora. He was a thirty-year-old widower whose wife passed away from breast cancer after their second year of marriage. According to him, he had dated a lot since then, but Kimora was his first serious relationship after her passing. Hassan was thick but not fat. His body was toned but he had the build of a football player. He was damn near the perfect man with one small imperfection. Hassan was young but he suffered from erectile dysfunction. He hated to talk about it and he always got defensive whenever he did. Kimora never made him feel bad about it but she wished she would have known before they made things official. Sex was a big part of relationships to her and that would have been a deal breaker. She often tried to reassure him that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed though. He had medicine for the condition, but he hated the side effects. Headaches, upset stomach and dizziness were just a few on the long list of many. He took it faithfully in the beginning of their relationship and that’s what had Kimora fooled. Now, she couldn’t even give him head because his shit barely stayed up for her to suck it.

  “I’ll take my medicine tonight and make it up to you,” he promised as he pulled up his pants and boxers.

  “I’m okay Hassan, really,” Kimora tried to assure him.

  “You know I can’t leave you hanging like that,” Hassan said as he kneeled down and dipped his head in between her legs.

  Kimora’s bottom lip was pinched in between her teeth as she watched his head move from side to side rapidly. He had a firm grip on her thighs as he pressed his face closer and licked her, nipping at her pearl with his teeth. Kimora’s knees buckled when he spread her bottom lips apart and alternated between licking and sucking. He was rubbing his entire face in her pussy as her body shook from a mind-blowing orgasm. Kimora was grinding in his face and he loved every minute of it. Her juices were dripping down his chin and onto his white t-shirt, but he didn’t care. Pleasing her was his goal and her moans and screams of pleasure let him know that he was doing a damn good job.

  “Harder,” Kimora begged breathlessly when he sucked her clit up into his mouth. She gasped when Hassan wrapped his lips around her swollen nub and sucked it hard like it was a piece of candy. Kimora was falling apart as she held on to his shoulders for leverage. She was happy that Hassan was there to catch her because her second orgasm literally knocked her off her feet. His entire face was drenched when he finally came up for air. He stripped out of his clothes and joined Kimora for a quick shower. Once they were done, they got dressed and prepared to start their day.

  “I have to get to the office but let’s meet up for lunch,” Hassan said as he brushed his hair.

  He had been with his share of women, but Kimora was in a class of her own. Not many women were beautiful, shapely and smart. Kimora had it all and he loved to show her off. She was the new girl in town and a lot of men wanted her. Hassan was proud to be the one who eventually walked away with the prize. Even her accent was sexy, and he loved when she called him baby.

  Kimora had come into his insurance company inquiring about a job when she first moved to Carmel. She was visibly pregnant, so hiring her was out of the question. Besides, Hassan was interested in her as more than an employee. He begged Kimora for a date but she wasn’t interested. Months passed before she finally agreed and they had been going strong since then. He knew all about her relationship with Santina’s father but he didn’t care. Her father didn’t know that she even existed, and Hassan wanted it to stay that way. Santina was his baby and he treated her as such. Kimora tried to get her to stop calling him daddy but Hassan wasn’t having it. After all, he had been drilling the word in her head since she was old enough to talk and it worked. Nothing gave him greater pleasure than to hear that word fall from her cute little lips. It might not have been biological, but he was the only daddy that she knew.

  “Okay, just let me know where,” Kimora replied, successfully pulling him away from his thoughts.

  “Same place as always,” he noted, making her discreetly roll her eyes up to the ceiling.

  Hassan’s cousin, Ben, owned a small diner but they sold some of the best food that she had ever tasted. Carmel’s food was trash compared to New Orleans but his cousin’s cooking came close to what she was used to. The problem was Ben’s wife, Shakira, who seemed to hate Kimora for whatever reason. She had never verbally expressed her dislike but the way she looked at her was all the proof that she needed. Still, she and Hassan met there for lunch at least twice a week. He told her not to worry about Shakira and Kimora tried not to. If it ever came down to it, Kimora wouldn’t have a problem knocking her the fuck out. She was still considered the new girl in town, so the stares and whispers didn’t bother her. It was different with Shakira though and Kimora was over it. She had never don
e anything to her, so she didn’t know what the problem was.

  “Did you make a decision on hiring another secretary yet?” Kimora asked him.

  “I’ve narrowed it down to two and they both have a second interview this morning. I’ll make my decision today,” Hassan replied.

  “That’s good.” Kimora smiled sadly.

  “Don’t look like that baby. I know you miss your girl but she obviously had her own shit going on. If you wanna do some girly shit, just let me know and I got you,” Hassan replied.