I Can't Let Go

by Chenell Parker

  “Where are we going mommy?” Santina asked.

  “Where do you want to go?” Tino questioned as he smiled at her.

  “Ummmm,” Santina drawled as she looked up and appeared to be thinking about it.

  “We can go wherever you want to go,” Tino said.

  “Can we go get ice cream?” Santina asked.

  “Yep,” Tino replied, making her smile.

  Once they got outside, the Uber was already waiting for them. Tino only had a duffle bag, so he threw it in the trunk and they were on their way. They got dropped off at his house, but they didn’t go inside. They got into his car and went straight to Cold Stone Creamery.

  “Can I get a big one mommy?” Santina asked as she pointed to a big waffle bowl.

  “You can get whatever you want,” Tino said, answering before her mother could.

  “No, that’s too big,” Kimora replied.

  “Shut up. Don’t tell me what to do with her,” Tino snapped angrily.

  Kimora wanted to curse him out, but she couldn’t do that with her daughter being present. Tino had every right to be upset with her, so she let him have that. Santina was all smiles as Tino let her have her way. She got all kinds of stuff on her ice cream that she knew her mother would never allow. Tino ordered himself a milkshake and didn’t even bother asking Kimora what she wanted. That was cool with her though because she was too nervous to eat or drink anything.

  “What’s your name?” Santina asked as she looked at Tino. It broke his heart that his first and only child didn’t even know anything about him.

  “Santino,” he answered with a smile.

  “Ooh mommy, his name is like mine,” Tina said excitedly.

  “What’s your name?” Tino asked her.

  “Santina but mommy calls me Tina,” she replied as Tino gave Kimora a death stare. She dropped her head in shame, unable to hold direct eye contact.

  “I hate you bitch,” Tino mouthed to her when she finally did look at him. Kimora discreetly pointed her middle finger when Santina wasn’t looking.

  “Do you want to meet my dog? Her name is Winter,” Santina said.

  “I met her already,” Tino replied.

  “When?” Santina asked.

  “I met her a long time ago,” Tino answered as he looked at Kimora. He was the one who purchased the dog. It warmed his heart to see that his daughter loved her just as much as Kimora did.

  They sat there for over an hour while Tino asked his daughter a million questions. He was trying to get to know her while telling her a little about himself too. When Kimora’s phone rang, Hassan’s picture popped up on the screen. She was so caught up with Tino that she forgot to call and tell him about her missed flight.

  “Daddy!” Tina yelled when she looked at the phone.

  Tino’s head snapped around towards Kimora as his face turned red with anger. If looks could kill, she would be dead on sight. She didn’t even bother answering the phone because she knew that he was about to go off.

  “You got my daughter calling another nigga daddy,” Tino gritted in anger.

  He was heated but for more reasons than just that. Judging by the picture that was on Kimora’s phone, she had obviously moved on with someone else. Tino needed some alone time with her to see exactly what the fuck was going on.

  “No, I tried to break her out of it, but I couldn’t,” Kimora swore.

  “Fuck that! I want her to know who I am. This is some bullshit,” Tino fumed angrily.

  “I’ll talk to her,” Kimora promised.

  “Right now!” he demanded angrily.

  “That takes time Tino. I’m not sure if she’ll even understand it,” Kimora reasoned.

  “Do you know who I am Santina?” Tino asked her, ignoring everything that Kimora had just said. He’d already missed too much time and he wasn’t losing out on anymore. Santina had an entire family that she needed to get to know. Val was going to be so happy and he couldn’t wait for them to meet.

  “Let me talk to her, Tino,” Kimora begged.

  “Well talk!” Tino snapped.

  “Come here baby,” Kimora said as she reached her arms out to her daughter. Santina got up from her chair and walked over to her mother.

  “I’m not ready to leave,” Santina whined as she sat on Kimora’s lap.

  “We’re not leaving yet. I just want to talk,” Kimora replied.

  “Okay.” Santina smiled. Kimora tried to find a way to approach the subject that Santina would understand. She decided to start small and ease her way into it.

  “Do you know why your name and Santino’s name sound so much alike?” Kimora asked.

  “No,” Santina said while shaking her head.

  “It’s because he’s your father and I named you after him. Hassan is mommy’s boyfriend but he’s not your daddy. Tino is your daddy. Do you understand?” Kimora asked.

  Tina sat there in silence as she seemed to be digesting what her mother had said. Tino was frowning when she said something about a boyfriend. He didn’t know who that Hassan nigga was, but he was definitely going to find out.

  “Come here baby,” Tino said as he reached for Santina. She hesitated for a minute before she finally went to him.

  “My friend Macy’s daddy lives with her. Are you coming to live with us now?” Santina asked him.

  “No,” Kimora hurriedly answered as he looked at her and frowned.

  “I’m not coming to live with you, but I do want us to spend some time together. We can do whatever you want to do,” Tino promised.

  “Can we go to the water park?” Tina asked.

  “We can go anywhere you want to go.” Tino smiled.

  “Can I call you daddy?” Santina asked.

  “Please do,” Tino said as he hugged her tight. “I love you.”

  “I love you too daddy,” Santina said, making tears come to his eyes. He knew that he was about to be a fool for her, but he wouldn’t have it any other way. He had to make up for lost time and he was ready to start. Christmas was coming up and he was about to do it big.

  “How are Val and Ced?” Kimora asked.

  “You’re about to see for yourself. Let’s go,” Tino said as he stood up with Tina still in his arms.

  Kimora was quiet for the entire ride, as Tino and their daughter talked and got to know each other a little more. He was asking her a million questions that she was excited to answer. Hassan was blowing her phone up, but she sent him a text letting him know that she would call him soon. When they pulled up to Val’s house, Tina was in awe when she saw all the inflatable Christmas decorations that were out front. Tino held her as he let her get a closer look at everything. Kimora went up the stairs and rang the doorbell and let them be. When the door opened, Val stood there for a few seconds like she was in shock.

  “Kimora! Look at my baby! Where have you been?” Val screamed as she grabbed her into a tight embrace.

  “Yes indeed. Come in here and give me a hug girl,” Ced said when he walked up behind his wife.

  Kimora was shocked by their behavior. She just assumed that they hated her for the way she left but she was obviously wrong.

  “You look great mi amor. Tino is gonna be so surprised to see you. He should be on his way back from Miami,” Val said as she ushered her inside and to the living room.

  “That’s who I came here with. He’s outside,” Kimora said, right as the front door opened. When Tino walked in carrying their daughter, Val looked like she’d seen a ghost. Her eyes stayed on Santina for a while before she finally spoke.

  “Oh, my God!” Val mumbled as tears sprang to her eyes.

  “Her name is Santina.” Tino smiled as Val rushed over to him.

  “I can’t believe it. She looks just like you. She’s beautiful,” she cried as she took Santina from him. Val broke down as she hugged Santina tight and dropped down to her knees. She was sobbing loudly as she rocked her from side to side.

  “Come on ma, you’re scaring her,” Tino said as he tried
to take his daughter from her.

  “No please, let me hold her. I can’t believe that I have a grandchild. Ya la quiero mucho,” Val said, telling Tina that she loved her so much already.

  “Yo tambien te quiero,” Santina replied, telling her that she loved her too. Hearing her speak almost perfect Spanish had Val breaking down once again.

  “She speaks Spanish?” Tino asked in shock as he looked at Kimora.

  “She’s learning but she’s not very fluent yet,” Kimora replied.

  “My God. Why didn’t you tell us Kimora? We missed out on so much,” Val cried as she got up from the floor and sat next to her.

  “I know and I’m sorry. Everything was just so complicated at the time,” Kimora replied.

  “There wasn’t shit complicated about you telling me that I had a daughter. You were selfish as fuck for what you did,” Tino fumed.

  “Selfish! If it wasn’t for me leaving, you probably wouldn’t even have a daughter right now. Those niggas were talking about killing me. That shit wasn’t easy!” Kimora yelled as tears fell from her eyes.

  “This is not the time for y’all to have this conversation,” Ced said as he nodded towards Santina.

  He took a seat next to his wife and grabbed his granddaughter’s hand. He and Val started talking to her right as Tino’s phone rang. He walked outside before he picked up the phone for Venus.

  “What’s up Vee?” Tino asked.

  “What do you mean what’s up? Where the hell are you. I’ve been circling this airport for over an hour waiting for you to come out,” Venus fussed.

  “Oh shit, my bad Vee,” Tino said, forgetting all about her coming to pick him up. He got so caught up with Kimora and his daughter that nothing else even mattered.

  “Your bad. What the hell does that mean?” Venus asked.

  “Some shit came up and I took an Uber from the airport. I’ll be over there later to tell you what’s up,” Tino answered.

  “Are you serious right now Tino? That’s so damn inconsiderate,” Venus argued.

  “I apologize Venus. Like I said, some shit came up and it was important,” Tino said.

  “Are you okay baby?” She inquired.

  “Yeah, I’m good. We’ll talk about it later,” Tino replied.

  “Okay, I’ll be waiting for you,” Venus said before she hung up.

  Tino sat down on his mother’s front porch for a while. He was deep in thought until the door opened and Kimora stepped out. She sat in one of the chairs and leaned her head back. They were both quiet for a while until Tino decided to break the silence.

  “I wanted to look for you but I was too hurt and angry. I even called your pops but that only pissed me off more. You obviously didn’t want to be found so I didn’t even bother. Had I known about my daughter; I would have. I wanted to hate you for leaving but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I loved you too much to even have those kind of feelings towards you. I guess I understand why you left but why did you stay gone so long?” Tino asked her.

  “Did you ever find out who shot you?” Kimora countered.

  “No,” Tino replied.

  “That’s why. I’m not sure how much you remember about that night, but I can’t forget it,” Kimora said.

  “I don’t really remember anything to be honest,” Tino admitted.

  He tried his best to remember something about that night, but he just couldn’t. Dirty told him about Kimora calling him for help and how he drove him to the hospital. Tino woke up in the hospital in so much pain he felt like he wanted to die. Crazy thing was, he was having a hard time remembering the events that led up to that point. He remembered asking for Kimora the minute he opened his eyes. The look that was exchanged between everyone in the room let him know that something was wrong.

  “I didn’t see anyone, but I’ll never forget their voices. I’m sorry Tino. I was wrong and I can admit that, but I didn’t know what else to do. I love my baby so much and she was who I thought of above all else. Leaving New Orleans was one of the hardest decisions that I’ve ever had to make. But, to get her here safely, I would do it all over again,” Kimora cried.

  “I forgive you Kimora. As hurt and angry as I was and still am, I forgive you. I just have so many questions,” Tino sighed.

  “And I owe you answers,” Kimora said.

  “Why didn’t you tell me that you were pregnant?” Tino asked.

  “I was supposed to tell you that night. That was the surprise that I had for you,” Kimora admitted.

  “Does Dirty know about her?” he questioned.

  “No and I made Miko promise not to tell him. She’s been telling me since day one to tell you about her. Crazy thing is, I planned to come back next weekend to hook up with you and come clean. I’ve been back to Louisiana since I left but this was my first time coming back to New Orleans. That’s why I know that it was meant for you to find out. It was no coincidence that we ran into each other the first time I returned home,” Kimora replied.

  “What’s your boyfriend’s name again?” Tino asked her.

  “Hassan,” Kimora answered as she shifted uncomfortably.

  “That’s exactly what Santina needs to call him from now on. I’m her father and I’m the only man that should have the title of daddy,” Tino said.

  “I agree and I apologize for that too. I tried to stop her from doing that, but I just couldn’t seem to get to her,” Kimora replied.

  “We have to figure this out Kimora. I’ve already lost out on too much of her life and I don’t want to miss out on anything else. Us living in two different states is going to be a problem,” Tino noted.

  “I work from home, so my schedule is pretty flexible. I don’t mind coming to visit sometimes,” Kimora said. She still had reservations about being back home but she had to compromise.

  “That’s not gonna work for me. Why can’t you leave her here with me for a while?” Tino asked.

  “Y’all just met for the first time today Santino. Give her some time to get to know you,” Kimora reasoned.

  “She’ll never get to know me if you’re trying to go back to Carmel,” Tino argued.

  “I’m not opposed to staying here for a few more days but that’s about all that I can do. My life is not here anymore. We don’t even really have anything here except for what we left at Prince’s house.”

  “Don’t try to play me Kimora. You’re on your own but I got my baby. I’ll get whatever she needs. I have two empty bedrooms at my house. I’ll fix one of them up for her.”

  “You’re moving too fast Tino. Let’s just take things slow and go from there,” Kimora suggested.

  “Tell me about her Kimora. What does she like? What’s her favorite foods and stuff?” Tino questioned.

  He tuned in as Kimora told him everything about a daughter that he’d just found out even existed. He’d never heard of some of the things she mentioned but he was going to make it his business to find out. He asked Kimora about herself too and he was proud of her when he learned that she’d obtained her bachelor’s degree. She was happy for him as well when she learned of all that he’d accomplished. It took everything in Tino not to tell her how much he still loved her. It wasn’t the right time and he wasn’t sure that there would ever be a right time. After all, Kimora had a man and he had Venus. When Kimora’s phone rang, Tino got up and went inside to give her some privacy.

  “Hey boo,” Kimora sighed when she answered for Hassan.

  “What the hell is going on Kimora? I’ve been worried sick about y’all. I’ve been calling you like crazy. Was your flight delayed or something?” Hassan asked.

  “No, I never left,” Kimora admitted.

  “What? Why not? Is everything okay with your brother?” Hassan questioned.

  “Yeah, he’s fine but I ran into Santina’s father in the airport,” Kimora answered. Hassan was quiet as he held the phone for a while. Kimora knew that he was probably upset but that was something that he was gonna have to get over.

  “O
kay, and what does that mean? When are y’all coming back home?” Hassan asked like what she said meant nothing. Santina being united with her father was not something that he wanted to hear or deal with.

  “I’m not sure Hassan. He wants to spend some time with her and get to know her,” Kimora replied.