“What are you doing here?” I question him, as he meets me in the middle of the sidewalk.
“It’s Thanksgiving. No one deserves to eat alone,” he replies.
I don’t know how he knew I would be alone. We never really talked about our plans for fall break since we haven’t hung out much lately. I look at him puzzled.
“Lucy.” She must have called him. I wonder where he is going. He is all dressed up with black dress pants and a blue collared button-up under a gray blazer. He looks delectable.
“I should have known,” I say, fiddling with the clutch in my hands.
“Well, we have a few extra seats at our table this year, so why don’t you come to my family’s house with me and celebrate?” I thought your family was dead? Maybe Lucy was wrong? Maybe the whole story was just a fabrication of college gossip?
“Sure, that would be nice,” I say, listening to my heart and not my brain. He opens the passenger door and gestures for me to get in. I pause, unsure how I can manage that in my current attire. He notices my hesitation and helps me climb in. “How long have you been sitting here?” His truck is so warm I can hardly breathe. His truck. I remember wondering how he could afford such a nice vehicle. I know he works at the bar and the bookstore, but I also know his parents are gone, and he is probably sitting on a fat bank account just like I am.
He answers my question with, “A while,” breaking my train of thought.
“Thank you for the flowers,” I mumble while smelling their petals.
My curiosity gets the better of me because the words, “How can you afford this truck?” leave my mouth before I realize it. He looks over at me with a strange expression on his face. My bluntness sometimes gets the best of me.
“My parents, umm, my parents bought it for me,” he stammers while shrugging his shoulders. I feel bad, but knowing about his past left me wondering. I drop the subject because it isn’t my business, and the look on his face confirms it. He looks back at the road, concentrating like something heavy is weighing on his mind.
“Listen, I’m sorry I’ve been so distant, but this,” he gestures between us with the hand that isn’t held tight around the steering wheel, “whatever we’re doing, isn’t something I’m used to.”
I’m not sure what exactly he means because I have heard more than a handful of stories about his wild sex-crazed days on campus, so I just sit stare out the window. I’m not prepared nor do I really want to have this conversation on this already crappy day, so I choose to say nothing.
“Hale, look at me dammit,” he says with a pain in his voice. I turn to look at him knowing once I look into those beautiful blue eyes all my willpower will fly out of the window.
“What else do you have to say Kyler? If you want to end this, then do it. Why drag me out to eat with your family just to tell me we’re done hooking up afterward? Spare me the humiliation.” I snap back and face the window again. He slams on the breaks in the middle of the road and pulls over to the emergency lane. The truck shakes as we hit several potholes before coming to sudden a stop.
“Is that what you think Hale? That I want to end this?”
“Yeah, that’s exactly what I think,” I reply. He gets out of the truck. The sound of the door slamming startles me. I sit there alone for a few minutes before the passenger door opens, and he is standing in front of me. He grabs my face and kisses me, hard. I thought he wanted this to be done, but now I’m not so sure what he or I want.
“Hale, I don’t want this to end. I’ve been so confused after we made love in the barn. My head has been a complete fucking mess.” Did he say we made love? Kyler said we made love and now he is confused? Hell, now I’m confused, but his confession causes my heart to beat faster. I can feel my cheeks start to redden. He picks up my hand, moves it towards his mouth, and then kisses each finger individually before he places it on his chest right over his heart. “Hale, I can’t do this whole friend-with-benefits thing with you,” his voice is low and husky. “I literally can’t do it.”
“What do you mean you can’t do it? You seemed to do ‘it’ fine the last time I checked!”
“What I’m trying to say Haley is that you’re different than all the other girls I’ve been with. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like we have a connection. I know that sounds crazy and don’t think I’m a weirdo or anything, but it’s like I feel drawn to you. I tried to keep you at bay, but it was like staring at a pretty new bike with a ‘do not touch’ sign on it. Seeing you around campus with that smile on your face, knowing that I’m an asshole and would probably do something to hurt you because I’m so fucked up is pure torture. I’m not into all that sappy fate shit, and hell, I know we don’t know much about each other and that’s fine. But what I do know about you I fucking like. I know we had that shitty agreement, but I like you Haley. I tried to fight it the past few weeks thinking it would go away the longer I went without seeing you, but it hasn’t. I think this attraction is mutual, at least I hope it is, and I want to see where it leads us. Of course that is if my little rant hasn’t already pushed you further away.”
I know exactly what he means because it’s how I feel too. I haven’t had this butterfly feeling in my stomach for any other guy since Jude, but Kyler brings it out to the forefront. The times we’ve shared the last few weeks have been fun and exciting. I wake up every morning with a smile on my face wondering what the four of us have planned for the day. He makes me question everything I am and who I want to be, because in the pit of my stomach I know I want to be with him. ‘Really’ with him, the whole relationship thing and all, but I am scared as hell to open up to someone, especially someone who is as emotionally cut off as I am. I came here for a fresh start, so why not start here and allow Kyler to be that new beginning? On the other hand, he can be so distant at times. It’s like we’ll have an amazing day, then all of a sudden I won’t hear from him. To say I am confused is an understatement, but I don’t say anything for fear of breaking our moment, regardless of the conversation replaying over and over in my head. Instead we both stare into each other’s eyes letting the sound of our beating hearts talk for us.
“Will you be my girlfriend Haley?” Kyler asks, sounding like a teenager as his voice quivers.
I am taken off guard by his confession and now his question. Is he serious? He puts his hand over his forehead like he is sweating or preparing to be turned down. Did he really just ask me to date him exclusively? I thought we had this whole arrangement worked out, dammit. But on the other hand, he is completely right. We do have this strange bond. And maybe a relationship is rushing things a little, but since the day I ran head first into him, I haven’t been able to think about anything but him. It’s a welcome distraction and surely beats sulking over my past. Hale, I know you like him, but you need to be careful.
“Yes,” I reply. Oh. My. God. Did I just agree to be his girlfriend? We barely know each other, but the look in his eyes when he told me he couldn’t stay away from me any longer seemed so raw and sincere. How could I deny him? Hell, we don’t know anything about each other’s past, or at least the most important parts of mine, like how my mother and brother were killed by my own father’s hand. Thinking about my parents reminds me that we’re going to eat with his family. I smile and push my rambled thoughts aside as I bend to kiss him softly on the cheek. I know we have a lot to work out, especially with our new title hanging over our heads, but that can all wait a little longer. I haven’t had a home cooked meal in a very long time, so I’m rather impatient. “Where are we going for dinner?” I ask as I slide back into the seat and buckle the belt I removed when Kyler pulled us onto the median.
Once Kyler gets back into the driver’s seat he says, “We’re going to my Uncle Roy’s farm,” and then he shuts the door.
I stare blankly at him for a few moments before I have the courage to speak. I don’t want to cause our first actual argument as a couple over something as minor as him not mentioning the farm, where we made love for the fi
rst time belonged to his relatives. Maybe it was because we were under the whole ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ phase of our relationship, but for some reason I feel betrayed. “Roy? As in Roy’s farm where the pond and shack are?” I nonchalantly ask.
“Yeah, that’s the one,” he replies not picking up on my change in mood.
“I didn’t realize you were related to them. I thought you just worked for some poor widower to help out. At least, that’s how you made it sound,” I snap back angry because he left that little detail out. We spent the entire day on the farm and, as he claimed, made love and suddenly he breaks the news it’s his family’s farm. How could he leave out that bit information? I don’t want to fight, but I knew this had to be too good to be true. Situations like this rarely last. He doesn’t say anything, probably because he can sense anger radiating off of me like rain falling on hot asphalt. I can’t seem to bite my tongue, so I fire off again. “Actually, that is how you made it sound Kyler, and why is that? Why couldn’t you just tell me it was your family’s farm we were at? I made a fool out of myself when I met Trent, well, when I stumbled upon him while you were in the shower. I begged him not to call the cops on me for breaking in and using the facilities. No wonder he looked at me like I was a dumbass. Because why would he call the cops when his own cousin was using the barn shower?”
“Haley, stop please. I don’t know why I didn’t tell you. I thought you didn’t want to talk about our pasts or our families. You made that very clear during our first date or whatever the hell you want to call it. You made the rules; I just followed,” he shouts.
“No! Do not put this on me. You do not get to do that!” I bend down to retrieve my clutch and get my cell phone out of it. They were my rules, but for some reason I feel like he could have chosen to tell me if he wanted to. God, I don’t know if I wanted him to tell me about the farm or not. This whole situation is a freaking mess!
“What are you doing?”
“I’m calling a cab. Can you tell me where we are, or do you mind taking me to a gas station or something so I can have the driver meet us there?”
“Why are you calling a cab? We’re almost to my uncle’s house.”
“The hell if I’m going there now Ky! Hello? You just asked me to be your girlfriend, and we’re already fighting. I don’t do relationships. I told you I didn’t, yet here I am arguing like a damn fool on Thanksgiving over a stupid farm. I’m not going to sit and make nice with your family when I am sure I’m not going to ever see them again. This, this thing we’re doing is a fling. You’ll get tired of me just like you did with Samantha, and then where will I be? Just another notch on your bedpost. I’ll be damned if I am going to go give your family false hope of a fairytale relationship when we both know that this isn’t going to last. Hell Kyler, we both know nothing lasts…” I hit call on the cab driver’s number I have stored in my phone in case of emergencies and wait for the ring. How did this day spiral into this giant disaster? I let my emotions get the best of me, and now I am having this internal debate. Right or wrong. Good versus evil. Relationship versus everything I believe in. I want so bad to be with this man in front of me, but I am scared as hell. Maybe what we need to do is dive in head first and see if this connection that is evident we both feel is worth the risk. I hear the phone start ringing in my ear, and then an older man picks up the line.
“Hi, can you please send a cab to…” I look at Kyler waiting for him to tell me where to have the driver meet us. He grabs the phone out of my hand and leans away from me.
“Hello? Sorry, there has been a misunderstanding sir. We won’t need your services today.” He disconnects the line and tosses my phone back to me. Our eyes meet, and I can tell he is pissed. I have never seen him look as mad as he does right now. He looks like he is about to explode, and his anger is directed right at me. I don’t know when exactly I started crying, but right now there are tears running down my face, and my nose is running. Fantastic, I’m doing the ugly cry. I sniffle as Kyler reaches across me, opens the glove compartment, and grabs a few napkins. I brush my face off and blow my nose. I know it probably isn’t too attractive sounding, but this day is already an epic fail, so why care about my appearance now? I look at Kyler who is looking at me with both eyebrows arched.
“Better?”
“Yes,” I say under my breath.
“Babe, we need to talk. There are some things you don’t know about me and if we are going into this relationship I think you need to know about my past. I know you originally didn’t want to talk about this stuff, but I care about you. I really care about you, and I want to make this work. But if we both keep secrets from each other, we’re just fighting a losing battle. Please stop crying,” he begs as he takes a dry napkin and runs it under my eyes. “You are so beautiful, it makes my chest hurt, but seeing you cry is killing me.” His words make me cry harder because this whole fight is about my insecurities, which he knows nothing about because he is right. We both have giant secrets hanging over our heads.
“I have some stuff to tell you too,” I say softly. I don’t know how I’m going to tell him. I have never told a soul about my family other than Jude, who was there and witnessed my world crashing down. Telling him won’t be easy, but I know if I want to truly let go of my past and move on, I want him to know. He starts driving again, careful not let to go of my hand the entire time. Approximately fifteen minutes later we pull into a long driveway. I assume we are at the farm since there is a sign hanging by the mailbox that says ‘King Stables’. Pulling up to the house I am in total shock. It is a massive, old farmhouse that has clearly been maintained. Last time I was here I only went into the barn and it had been so dark outside I never even noticed the house. There is a wrap-around porch with two rocking chairs sitting next to the front door. It looks like a picture from one of those home designer magazines I used to see my mom reading.
“Welcome to the King farm,” Kyler says, making sure he puts emphasis on the word ‘King’. Instead of pulling up to the house, he turns the wheel and heads another mile to the large barn where we took our showers.
“I thought we had dinner plans?”
“We do, but dinner isn’t until six, so we have some time to kill. Before I introduce you to my family, I want to make sure you still want to be my girl.” He opens the door and walks around to the passenger side, opening mine and then leading the way into the barn. This time we don’t go into the little room. He turns on the lights and gestures me to sit on a bale of hay beside him. “Haley, I adore you, I want you to remember that. If after what I am about to tell you, you want me to take you home just say the words and I won’t ask any questions. I’ll just go get my truck and take you back to campus.” I can tell he is nervous because he is breathing like he just ran a marathon, and it’s freezing outside. “My family is dead Hale. They’re all gone. My dad, my mom, and my twin sister,” he says without taking a breath.
Looking up at me, I can tell it pained him to admit that. I am a little shocked because I was going in a much different direction. Lucy was right, the rumors were true, and I know now with certainty that this connection he feels is exactly what I feel too. We are bonded in a way that neither of us can explain, in a way that most people wouldn’t understand. I turn to face him looking up into his beautiful blue eyes. I grab his face in my hands and try to soothe his pain by caressing his cheeks. “I know Kyler. You are so brave to tell me yourself,” and then I kiss him. The kiss is cut short because he jerks away from me and stands up.
“What do you mean you know?” he shouts.
I don’t want to start another fight, and I definitely don’t want Lucy in the middle of all of this. So I decide to lie about how I found out.
“I heard rumors around campus.” He looks pissed for the second time today. “Kyler, it’s just people being stupid, trust me. I know.”
“You know, do you? Do you know how it feels to wake up every day with emptiness in your heart because everyone you love is dead?” he scream
s, his voice echoing off of the walls.
I sit, afraid to move. Not afraid of him but afraid of breaking this moment because I do know. I do understand. I debate whether to tell him, when he falls to his knees in front of me.
“Say something Haley, please don’t leave me. I can’t lose you too.” Tears start to fall from his eyes. I don’t know if he is more upset because of the words that just left his mouth or scared of me leaving him. I want so bad to tell him, he deserves to know he isn’t alone, but I can’t talk. He might be crushed if he knew how messed up I was too. How could we make this work when we both shared the same issues? But here, in front of me, is this broken man pouring his heart out, so it’s either now or never.
“Kyler, I know because my family is dead too.”
He looks up, surprised by my own confession. I can see questions written all over his face. Kyler’s cell in his pocket begins to ring, but we both ignore it. “Kyler, it’s your turn to say something.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asks as he gets off his knees and picks me up as if my body were as light as a feather.
“I’ve never told anyone, ever.” I wrap my legs tightly around his waist, securing myself in his arms. He carries my body to the small bedroom we occupied not long ago as he sits down on the corner of the mattress. I shift my weight trying not to squash his body underneath mine as he embraces me in a hug. Not just any hug, but a big bear hug that takes your breath away from the strength of the person doing the hugging. With his face tightly pressed against my neck, I can hear him inhaling. Then he slides his hands under the back of my top. His hands reach my bra, and he unclasps it. I know we need to finish talking, but right now all I can think about is feeling him inside of me. He raises my shirt, and I stretch my arms up in the air for him to take it off. It hits the floor along with my bra, and I am sitting barechested on top of him. He cups my face and kisses me passionately, tugging my lips with his teeth and inching his tongue in deeper.
The Upside of Letting Go Page 8
