The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 2

by Charles Dean

  Halfway through the mountain climb, Minx decided she was done snuggling Fuzzy Wuzzy and straightened up on top of the bear. The two of them charged around, never actually attacking anything, while she waved a dagger in the air as if she were a general rallying her troops in an old-fashioned, King Henry-styled medieval movie.

  “Why is it that every time we get around to killing, you swordsmen go quiet?” Kass asked from the back as Darwin lobbed the head off another Scorpataur. “Is it like trying to listen to the radio and watch TV at the same time?”

  “Well,” Darwin managed to breath out heavily as he shifted at the last minute to avoid being crushed by a Rhino-Beetle’s attack with what looked like two giant cinder blocks on sticks, one such club in each of his right arms, “chat can be kind of distracting.” He lunged in, stabbing the Rhino-Beetle square in the center of his shoulder before the creature could recover from the momentum of his swing. “And it definitely messes with the tempo of things.”

  “Hmmm, I guess that makes sense.” Kass tried to sneak in a few snowballs at her enemies before recasting her buffs on her comrades and running up to meet them. She hadn’t entirely mastered the art of casting and moving, but she had gone from struggling with the ability to actually being able to run while manipulating augmentation magic. “So is it silence then the rest of the way?”

  “No, Minx can talk and fight. Minx can even use special sound effects like she’s in an old-fashioned comic book,” Minx broke in, “Watch!” Minx jumped off of Fuzzy Wuzzy and darted, both daggers first, into the face of one of the nearest Rhino-Beetles while shouting, “KABLAM! See, Minx can talk and fight ‘cause she’s Minx the Lynx, coolest cat on the scene!”

  “Does Minx always talk about herself in third person? Kass is just wondering,” Kass teased her.

  “Of course. Because my dad always tells me to be the narrator of my own life!” Minx happily announced, totally missing Kass’s tone.

  “I’m not sure that’s what I meant,” Kitchens said as he waded through another Rhino-Beetle, “but I’m certainly blessed to have such a daughter who honors her parents.”

  “Mhmm! That’s right!” Minx crawled back on top of Fuzzy Wuzzy. “Glad you understand how blessed you are to have such an amazing daughter.”

  Kass and Darwin just chuckled to themselves.

  “Well, we’ll just talk, Minx, girl to girl about makeup and all the girly stuff while these two are forced to listen to us,” Kass plotted, unable to stop the grin that had spread across her face as she planned topics that would be awkward for both Kitchens and Darwin. “Like for starters, are there any boys you like?”

  “I like plenty! But, shhh, one of them might hear us!” Minx whispered from atop Fuzzy Wuzzy.

  It took Kass a second, and she thought about just rolling her eyes, but this couldn’t be avoided. The palm from her hand connected squarely with her forehead as she let out a sigh. What am I to do with you?

  Qasin:

  Qasin, even riding the horse, couldn’t keep his right hand from the sword hilt. They were almost at the village, and all Qasin could think about was the fight Eve had ended prematurely. The taste of combat, the exhilaration he felt as he spun his blade through the enemies, and the disappointment he felt when it all went away. It just rolled through his head over and over again as he rode.

  “If it’s bothering you that much, dear, you should just stab a few peasants along the way,” Eve said, straightening her back as she rode a little in front of him. “Or is that not how the noble King acts?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Qasin said, pulling his hand away from the hilt. “What could possibly bring me to behave in such a barbaric manner?”

  “Oh, don’t be coy with me, dear,” Eve reached a hand out and touched Qasin’s shoulder as the two now road side by side. “You’re positively dripping with the desire.”

  “Nonsense,” Qasin stiffened. Between the touch and the thought of killing, he was doing his best to not hop off the horse and charge at the nearest living creature just to ease the tension.

  “Come now, weren’t you the one who made me ruin a good boat just so you could kill some pirates? Don’t act innocent now; we’ve all seen your colors.

  “I merely wanted to save innocent people from a gruesome fate. There is nothing wrong with that,” he said, satisfied with his character defense. “I was helping people.”

  “‘Save,’ ‘save,’ ‘save,’ ‘save.’ You keep saying that word, but if that were really the case then what was with that sour face you had when I finished off the pirates?” Eve further taunted the troubled King.

  “I was merely upset that we lost a good boat. I know how much the thought of losing time troubled you,” Qasin lied. “It had nothing to do with you finishing off the pirates.”

  “Oh, then it was for my sake? How touching. Perhaps my dashing Prince Charming shall whisk me away from all my troubles,” she laughed. “Or perhaps he will just carry me off to more combat.”

  “It’s not like that, and I don’t need to explain myself to you,” Qasin said, deciding that he had discussed the subject enough for one day. He had gone years without killing anyone when he ruled as a King. This wasn’t an urge that he needed to sate.

  “Of course you don’t, dear.” She sped up and pulled her horse in front of his again. “It’s you that needs convincing. Now, come along. Chop chop. We have places to be.”

  Qasin sighed. Her words had teased out his desires too much, and now he found himself wanting to fight even more than before. The closer they got to their destination, Eve now riding squarely in front of him, the stronger the urge grew. He even closed his eyes a few times as they rode and imagined he was still ripping through the Black-Wing lines in the battles days ago. Mere days ago . . .

  “Oh, look, dear Qasin! It’s a perfect development for you!” Eve shouted out from ahead of him, laughing and pointing to something up ahead. As Qasin struggled to see what she was talking about, her horse blocking his view, she described the situation. “See, there is a poor little Human girl being bullied by three big evil Feline men. They’ve even pushed her to the ground. It’s absolutely perfect for you. Now you can kill someone for a nice, noble reason. I mean, pushing a girl to the ground--that’s most certainly a crime worthy of death, is it not, my dashing hero?”

  “No, it’s not,” Qasin frowned. If she hadn’t put it in that way, he might have chopped them up for attacking the girl without listening to both sides. Why does she have to keep ruining my fun, he thought grumpily as the two rode closer to the surrounded girl. “I am sure this can be handled diplomatically.”

  “If you say so. By all means, rescue the girl in a peaceful manner. Flex that restraint of yours,” Eve giggled, letting her horse slide back behind Qasin’s as he galloped ahead to the place in the road where the girl was being harassed.

  “Excuse me,” Qasin said, approaching the three Feline men. “Could you perchance explain why you have assaulted this young lady?”

  “Young lady? The boy called this trash ‘a lady.’ That’s cute,” the biggest Feline man, a cheetah-spotted Feline with his chest pushed out twice as far as his friends’ said. “A hairless chimp spawn can be a lady? That’s rich.”

  “Oh, but this one’s also trash, so maybe it’s just that garbage can’t tell the difference,” another one of the Feline men, looking to have originated from cougars, spoke out. “Perhaps there is a dumpster nearby that we missed, and that’s where these two came from.”

  “Ugh, I thought this reeking smell of man flesh would pass when we left that putrid town, but here it is, foul smelling dumpster waste bothering us on the road,” the cheetah Feline spoke again.

  Qasin, who had patiently put up with their degrading remarks as he dismounted and approached the group, gripped his sword as tightly as he could. He wanted to kill them. He even had it planned out, but one glance from Eve told him that he wouldn’t hear the end of it. “Gentlemen, perhaps you could show us your civility and
let us and the girl pass without trouble. I’m sure we’re not worth your time,” he said through tightening jaws, yet with a gracious air as he did his best to swallow his pride and avoid bloodshed.

  “What? Do a favor for trash? Not likely. We’ve got a long ride back, and we’ll be taking this girl for a short ride on the way,” the cougar Feline spoke. The third, a cougar Feline too, just chuckled with each of his cohort’s comments, his eyes less concerned with Qasin and more with the flesh of the girl Qasin hadn’t particularly noticed yet.

  “Actually, it looks like you brought us an extra morsel too. Tell your girl to hop off her horse and join us. Who knows? Maybe she’ll walk away with a child that is--” The cheetah Feline’s taunt was cut short by Qasin’s sword.

  Qasin, who had drawn the blade to cleanly cut the cheetah Feline right down the middle finished off the other two in just as quick a swing. He forcefully swung the blade a few times to shed the loose blood off of it and then sheathed it. Why couldn’t they have been more tolerable, he grumbled, staring at the pieces of rude pests he had been forced to exterminate. Why couldn’t you scum have just been a bit civilized? How is it that I’ve managed to travel to an entirely new continent, and yet I’m faced with the same racial tensions and social dynamics the White-Horns, Black-Wings and the Humans had back home?

  Looking at the bodies of the Felines scattered across the ground, he just sighed. Will there be another White-Wing invasion or some other catastrophe to push Humans into an amicable relationship with their neighbors, or does someone have to slaughter thousands just to bring about another unified Kingdom? Is it inevitably bloodshed every way? Qasin struggled with the thought. Half of his annoyance with the violence was because he didn’t want to justify Eve’s smug smile, but the other half was because he had wished things could have been different back on the main island. He wished he could have been the right and just King that his people would have praised, the King that united peoples and cultures. But, in the end, he was the conqueror, not the King. Just another petty witless thug sticking up for his family with clubs and swords in lieu of discourse.

  “World class diplomacy, Qasin. Well demonstrated,” Eve said, clapping softly from atop her mount, “Bravo, indeed.”

  “Violence is still a tool to be used in diplomacy when talking proves unfruitful,” Qasin tried to use semantics to escape admitting his failure.

  “If you say so, dear. Now, since you’ve had a little fun, can we carry on?” Eve motioned to Qasin’s mount. “We have a lot of riding to do.”

  “Umm, excuse me,” interjected the girl, a brunette in a light brown sundress. She was still sitting in the mud a few paces away, where she had backed herself up against a boulder in an attempt to distance herself from her attackers once Qasin had drawn their attention. “Excuse me, ummm . . . Sir,” she continued feebly, “th . . . thank you.” Then, regaining her strength, she stood up and started brushing her dress off, “Thank you so much . . . Thank you so much! What can I ever do to repay you?!”

  Qasin looked at Eve, shrugged, then looked back at the girl. “Just have a good day and try not to get in trouble. Perhaps try to find someone to walk with you when you travel so you don’t run into the same problem again.”

  Eve chuckled as the girl called out more thanks while the two resumed their journey to the town. The second they were out of earshot though, Eve just turned to Qasin and smiled. “That girl was rather pretty as far as excuses go.”

  “She wasn’t an excuse.” Qasin stood by his objection.

  “Sure, sure, and that’s exactly why you had forgotten she existed altogether as soon as your blade was drawn.”

  Qasin’s face slumped. I did forget her.

  “Oh, don’t be sad. I won’t judge you, my dashing knight. I’m just saying you shouldn’t lie to yourself so much.” Eve trotted her horse ahead of Qasin’s again, and the two made their way towards the town.

  Chapter 7: Barbeque Standard with Purchase

  Daniel:

  “When were you going to tell me?” Valerie fumed at Daniel as the three of them flew towards the Human encampment.

  “Tell you what?” Daniel feigned innocence. He knew exactly what she was mad about: he hadn’t told her that Darwin wasn’t an NPC.

  “No idea what you’re talking about either,” Mclean lied, her smile giving away her deceit.

  “Ugh! You two are so frustrating!” Valerie grumbled loudly. “You both knew and neither of you said a word?”

  “Valerie, we can’t help you unless you tell us why you’re mad,” Daniel said, holding back a laugh as best he could. “We have no idea why you’re so upset.”

  “Seriously, Valerie, I don’t remember doing anything wrong. What did we hide from you?” Mclean said, her smile somehow growing bigger. It got so big it looked like it might actually go ear to ear.

  “Stop it! Don’t play dumb! You both know EXACTLY what I’m talking about!”

  “Nope, still drawing a blank.”

  “DARWIN! When were you going to tell me about him?”

  “You mean about his big, broad shoulders? Those strong, muscular arms?” Mclean teased, flying close enough to bump wings for a second with Valerie. “Girl, I should have known you’d have a crush on him.”

  “Oh, is that what it’s about? It’s those eyes, isn’t it? They are so deep and red, makes a man second guess his preference for women when he stares at you. It’s like he’s looking straight through you and directly into your soul.” Daniel put his right hand over his left chest, dramatically pulling his head back as best he could while still flying. “They’re just mesmerizing--enchanting, you might say.”

  “It’s not that! That’s not what I mean!” Valerie looked like she was trying to stomp her feet in mid-air.

  “Ah, then it’s his personality? The way he always has to sweep in and save the day, defend the helpless and protect even the most lowly of commoners?” Daniel continued to poke at Valerie. “The white knight thing? Is that what has your engines revving?”

  “Or it’s that chiseled jaw? The rugged charm?” Mclean was now more laughing than talking.

  Valerie, with a face redder than ripe tomatoes, finally just outright yelled, “Stop it! You know exactly what I mean, and don’t you dare try to interrupt me with those accusations! Why didn’t either of you tell me he was a player!”

  “Oh, that! We just thought you knew,” Mclean said, her face showing the struggle as she tried not to laugh any more at Valerie’s expense. “I mean, it’s kind of obvious.”

  “Yeah, first that girl of his in the cabin or that girl on the Hydra, and he goes out on the town for five minutes and comes back with a fresh, eighteen-year-old hottie. He’s definitely a player, that’s for sure,” Daniel smirked. He always enjoyed a good pun.

  “He is not . . .That’s not the point! He’s not an NPC! You both knew it, but you let me go around treating him with honors and dignities as if he were!” Valerie’s face grew an even deeper shade of crimson to the point where Daniel half expected steam to come out of her ears like an old 1960s cartoon.

  “I didn’t see what the problem was. He is the ruler and all. You even said it yourself once or twice: he’s the Great Lord Darwin.” Daniel was having too much fun. “It’s only natural to show respect to our rulers.”

  “Well . . .But . . .He’s a player!” Valerie continued to protest.

  Her flustered expression combined with her hair whipping back and forth in the wind as they flew was undeniably cute to Daniel, and it was likely half the reason he was doing this to her instead of just clearing up the air and apologizing. The teasing was just as fun as Valerie was cute.

  “Relax, Valerie. I don’t see what the big deal is. I’ve never known someone to be so embarrassed about exercising basic manners and etiquette.” Daniel wasn’t sure if this line of thought would calm her down or just make her madder, but he felt like he needed to do something before she got too flustered.

  “It . . .It wasn’t manners! It was--ARG! You
guys are such jerks sometimes,” Valerie yelled with eyes clenched tight.

  “Easy, Val, you’re blowing this out of proportion,” Mclean said, also attempting to defuse Valerie. “Daniel is right. All you did was show manners and role play. That’s not out of character for you, so why be embarrassed?”

  “I’m just . . . Whatever. Let’s drop it and go get this job done,” Valerie said. Her face was still red, but the anger written across it had fallen into just a frown.

  “That’s the spirit! Let’s go get you some EXP, and then we can all go kill some mobs while looking good--dang good if I do say so myself,” Daniel pulled on his new bathrobe’s collar.

  “Looking good?” Valerie repeated the notion, her face showing she still wasn’t about to be amused by anything. “You think we look good in these ridiculous bathrobes?”

  “Yeah, I think I look awesome. I kind of want to get one for the real world, but I’m not sure if people would appreciate my sense of style when I get the newspaper,” Daniel said.

  “You’d be fine, my dad even walks the dog in his bathrobe sometimes,” Mclean responded.

  “At the park, or in his neighborhood?” Daniel said, the idea of going out with a fashionable bathrobe growing on him.

  “The neighborhood, but I wouldn’t put it past him to go to the park in his bathrobe,” Mclean answered, shuddering a bit. “And everyone at that park would have to hope his bathrobe sash was tight ‘cause accidents do happen in the bathrobe realm.”

  “What? Accidents? Oh my god!!” Valerie held her bathrobe on over her parts as tightly as possible

  “Wait, you didn’t wear pants and a shirt underneath your bathrobe?” Mclean looked over at Valerie, shocked. “Surely you wore something under it just in case, right?”

  “Th . . .That’s none of your business,” Valerie avoided the question, hiding her face by looking away from the two.