The Bathrobe Knight: Volume 2

by Charles Dean

  “It will be our business if a fight breaks out and you have to do chest revealing acrobatics. I’ll lose poor Daniel to a bloody nose,” Mclean laughed.

  “That only happens in anime,” Daniel tried to defend himself. “In real life, the problems are much harder to deal with.”

  “The anime one is easier to show and keep it PG-13 though,” Mclean, still laughing, managed to explain. “Can you imagine if they had one of your favorite shonen heroes with adult problems instead? Let’s just call it ‘nose bleeds.’”

  “Aren’t we all adults here though?”

  “I don’t know. Valerie does get embarrassed rather easily over a bathrobe or proper manners. Seems kind of childish to me, almost like . . .” Mclean trailed off mid-sentence, Valerie’s face growing crimson again.

  “She really does. Makes you wonder how old she actually is,” Daniel nodded in agreement.

  “I’m an adult! And stop picking on me!” Valerie grumbled, her blush covering her face entirely in red. “It’s not funny.”

  Daniel exchanged one glance with Mclean and shrugged, “Fine, fine . . . Anyways, don’t beat yourself up over the Darwin thing or the bathrobe,” he told her. “He won’t care that you were polite, and if the bathrobes weren’t secure, I imagine Kass would have been blinded a long time ago and stopped partying with him.”

  “Yeah, sorry about teasing you,” Mclean bumped wings again. “Daniel’s right though: everything is fine. Relax.”

  “Fine,” Valerie harrumphed out in one breath. “I’ll relax.”

  “Good. Now let’s go recruit us some random bandits!” Daniel said excitedly, “Then we can rob some rich people and call ourselves Robin Hood.”

  “Really? You, Robin Hood? I always figured you’d be more of a--” Mclean started.

  “We’re here,” Daniel interrupted her as he dove towards an open encampment. “Let’s go, guys!” As all three of them were mid-dive, he noted that Valerie’s face still had a pouty look on it. Now how do I cheer you back up? he wondered, landing in front of the gate.

  “Who goes there?” One of two men called from atop a wooden archer post on the right side of the gate. The entire wall, and the two archer posts that flanked each side of the four gates that sat in the middle of each wall, were all made of wood. A rather plain, brown wood that looked like treated pine. The wall was just a very large pike fence with a palisade surrounding it.

  “Daniel goes there,” Daniel called out to the guard, “accompanied by Mclean and Valerie. We are emissaries sent from the great StormGuard Alliance to speak on behalf of the Great Lord Darwin.” He wouldn’t normally add in all of the extra stuff, but he had been ribbing Valerie for half the flight, so he figured he might as well show her there was no harm in a little role play.

  The two guards in the tower on the right side of the gate whispered a few things back and forth, then called back down to him, “State your purpose for being this far out, Daniel of the StormGuard Alliance.”

  “My purpose is to give you purpose,” Daniel laid it on thick with the most regal and commanding voice he could muster, “to free you from a life of mere rebellion and offer you hope and the promise of a better tomorrow. All that I ask is that I might humbly be given an audience to speak with your leader that I might be able to tell him of this opportunity.”

  “Is he like one of those Sun God witnesses?” the guards in the left tower called over to the right tower. “Is there a polite way to turn missionaries away at the door?”

  “Look, you cretin, we know first hand that the Panda King sent someone to kill you. If that person fails he has lines and lines of very capable warriors to choose from. I don’t know why he wants you all wiped out, but he does, and he is finally starting to act on it,” Valerie called up after she saw that Daniel’s attempt was being mocked more than listened to. “So, you can either let us in to tell you what’s going on, or you can wait for your heads to roll like the leader of that stupid group in the silver ore mine. Yeah, that idiot with his head rolling around the Panda King’s throne room--you can wait to end up like him.”

  “Wait, that teetotaler who always wore his armor everywhere? He’s dead? Holy crap!” the first guard exclaimed, looking at his buddies. “That guy had the best army. How did he end up dead so quickly? We just heard from him the other day.”

  “Umm, it’s kind of a long story. Perhaps we could discuss it inside instead of out here. Looking up at you guys constantly isn’t really comfortable,” Daniel said, trying once more to talk them into letting him inside. “I’m sure we can expla--”

  “Forget it, Daniel, they don’t want our help. They just want to die. Forget helping them out, setting them up with food and supplies and a protected and safe place to live. They’d rather end up eating their own women and children, so let’s get out of here and stop wasting our time with these stupid NPCs.” Valerie, still red-faced from earlier, turned around and started to fly off when the guards called out to her.

  “Wait! Now hold on, we don’t . . . What are you talking about? Wait a minute, miss!” the guard was calling out, but Valerie had already started to shoot into the air.

  “Stop! I’ll get the boss right now! Stop leaving!” another one of the guards called out to Valerie, this time actually getting her to pause.

  “What? So he can reject us too? Send a messenger to the other camp. You’ll find the leader dead, and the words we speak truth . . . if you find someone at all. They’ve already signed up to come with us, and we don’t need this type of treatment. Let’s go, Daniel, Mclean.” Valerie huffed even more. Daniel could tell just by looking at her face that this wasn’t a negotiation tactic. She was still mad, and she was definitely ready to leave.

  “Calm down, Val. We can take five minutes to explain things to them,” Mclean flew up and put an arm on her wing, trying to calm her down. “Five minutes won’t hurt.”

  “Are you sure? We can spend five minutes being super polite and treating them nicely just to find out they aren’t even NPCs. They’re just a bunch of players making fools of us and we are out five minutes that we could have spent getting EXP because we were too busy kissing some player’s non-NPC rear end. I say we just leave.” Val’s face grew redder.

  Yep, this is still about Darwin, Daniel thought, torn between wanting to laugh, chuckle and being honestly worried about their friend. Did we push her too far? It wasn’t supposed to hurt her feelings: it was just supposed to mess with her for a minute in good fun.

  “Umm, miss? What are you talking about? We aren’t keen on the idea of dying, you know.” The guards looked incredibly confused. The words NPC and player being thrown around probably really threw them off. “But we also just don’t want to go from bending a knee to a Panda King to bending a knee to the uhhh . . . Brian, what was their guy’s name? Oh, oh, yeah, the Great Lord Darwin. No one wants to be anyone’s servant,” the guard called down. “Especially not some animal’s servant who treats us humans like garbage.”

  “He’s not an animal though. We may be a bit--what with the wings and all--but he started off as Human. Granted he’s got like, red eyes and horns now, but--” Daniel started explaining. Regardless of Valerie’s fit he was going to try to maintain as much composure as possible.

  “What?” The guards all clamored loudly as they stared at Daniel. Then, the one who had been named Brian cried out, “Red eyes?! RED EYES and HORNS?! This isn’t a joke, is it? No, this can’t be a joke. Are you serious? Your leader, he has red eyes and horns? Have his followers . . . changed at all?”

  “Yeah, they’ve all got red eyes too now, and their skin is white as a lily.” Daniel took a moment to answer as the guard’s sudden outburst had momentarily disoriented him. He wasn’t expecting that type of reaction to someone having red eyes. “Why do you ask?”

  “Alfred, Hitchens, come with me. Let’s get everyone packed and mobile. If anything isn’t vital to survival, leave it. We need to move as soon as possible. Lideck, go get the location of our rendevous with th
e Great Lord from his prophets, then leave us a copy of the map and go tell the other camps where they need to meet us.” Brian started calling out instructions to everyone without even explaining anything to the three confused White-Wings. “The day has come people! MOVE! MOVE! MOVE! The Goddess will not forgive us for being tardy!”

  “Hey, I don’t mean to pry,” Daniel asked Lideck as he literally hopped over the fence and ran up to them while pulling out a pen and paper, “but what’s going on? Why the sudden change of heart?”

  “You don’t know? The great Golden Goddess came to all of us, most of the camps, in a vision earlier. She said that our salvation would come to us and gaze upon us with red eyes, and that, upon the joining, our hearts would reflect the blood of his blood, and we would look back with red eyes too, the mark of the chosen people. To be visited by the visage of the Golden Goddess who watches over our lands unseen . . . It was a blessing that only comes once in a lifetime. Then today, not even a full day after, you come with word of a red-eyed man who wishes to save our people from tyranny. We must obey the wishes of the Goddess,” Lideck said. The whole time he was copying notes off Daniel’s map onto a piece of paper.

  “The Golden Goddess?” Mclean stumbled across her words in confusion. “Huh?”

  “I’m as lost as you are,” Daniel said, patting Mclean on the shoulder. “Let’s uhh . . . I think they’re going to gather up way more than just this camp. Do we go tell Darwin now?”

  “Sirs,” Lideck said, having finished copying the map, “truly I plead unto you, messengers of the Goddess, forgive us for treating you rudely. We must make haste to not disobey the Golden Goddess, but please forgive us if you can.”

  “Yeah, no problem . . .” Daniel replied, still as stunned as Mclean and Valerie. He decided it was best to just get out of there. He turned around without saying another word and flew off. Valerie and Mclean followed suit and were by his side.

  “So, either of you freaked out by what just happened?” Mclean flew in close enough to speak to the other two. “I mean, did we just go from the Sun God to the Bathrobe God?”

  “I . . . I don’t know what in hades to make of that,” Daniel admitted, scratching his head. “I’ve seen culty stuff before, but as soon as we mentioned that their savior was red-eyed, they all acted like, well, I got nothing that compares to it.”

  Valerie, who had been quiet since the whole turn happened, finally spoke up, frown still intact, “Does this mean he’s going to expect me to still call him ‘Great Lord’?”

  Mclean and Daniel, both short a response, simply laughed, then all three of them sped up to the fastest speed they could fly at. It have might been a bit of a flight back, but, one way or another, they needed to tell Darwin what was going on as soon as possible.

  Darwin:

  Darwin smiled as he pulled his Burriza’s Blade out of the insectoid’s skull and saw what was behind the creature. Magnificent, he thought.

  “It seems we’re here,” Kitchens announced from behind Darwin as his blade whittled away at the many mantis-like arms that kept trying to stab him. Bit by bit, the arms grew shorter, but the fiendish bug continued to press and stab until Kitchens finally put it out of its misery with a swipe that neatly divided it down the middle. “Do you think we’re the first ones?”

  “I hope so. In the last dungeon the boss took forever to respawn,” Kass huffed as she caught up to her melee counterparts.

  Maybe I should get her a mount too, Darwin thought, noticing that she was always lagging behind whenever they were farming. She was able to cast just fine from atop the Hydra. If I get her a good, low-riding mount, she’ll be able to keep up much better in and out of dungeons. I just need to find something durable enough to support her weight and in a rider-friendly shape.

  “If you fixate too hard on your target, the enemy will know your move before you make it,” Kitchens said from beside Darwin, putting a hand on his shoulder like he normally did with Minx’s head.

  “What?” Darwin blinked, not sure what the old man was talking about. He had gotten used to Kitchens’ odd way of speaking about things, but this time he couldn’t tell what he was talking about.

  Kitchens didn’t say anything. He just gave Darwin a slanted look then looked at Kass and then looked back at Darwin.

  “Oh, no, I was just thinking about giving her a mount to help her out,” Darwin tried his best to explain.

  “Of course you were,” Kitchens laughed softly and walked ahead of Darwin towards the entrance of the dungeon before Darwin could do anything but chuckle at the misunderstanding himself. “Of course you were,” he mumbled to himself as he kept walking.

  “BEST DUNGEON ENTRANCE EVER!” Minx shouted as she came barreling out of nowhere towards Darwin, riding atop Fuzzy Wuzzy’s back and waving one of her daggers around as if she were riding a mechanical bull in a bar and the dagger was her cowboy hat.

  Well, it certainly is close, Darwin noted, admiring the way the black obsidian shot out of the mountain like jagged crystals, infinitely branching in some areas to what could be mistaken as fuzzy tips and curving and winding in other parts as if they were water bending in an eddy. In the middle of the obsidian formations was an entrance into the mountain, easily big enough for two Fuzzy Wuzzys.

  “What type of mobs do you think we’ll fight inside?” Kass asked Darwin, the two now walking side by side towards the hole in the mountain. “Maybe instead of a bear playing poker, it’ll be accountant dogs?”

  “Hmm, or it could be a dungeon filled with nothing but cats, and the final boss that they all follow devoutly is a giant laser pointer?” Darwin grinned.

  “Ooo! I can play too! I bet the whole dungeon isn’t filled with grumpus grown up cats, but instead it’s filled with cute, cute baby kitten balls, and the final boss boss is a giant, big, big wubby puppy,” Minx made two fake dog paws with her hands and clawed at the air slowly. “Ooo! Ooo! The only way to defeat the puppy is to scratch its stomach three times until it rolls on its back and wags its little tail tail.”

  “It’s likely bugs again or maybe plants.” Kitchens killed the game with the same apathetic look and dry tone he used as he chopped up his victims. “They haven’t put us against a creature where there is a playable counterpart yet. I don’t think they’ll start now.”

  “So that leaves, what? Humans, plants and bugs? But, I don’t see them making a Human into a frightening boss . . .” Darwin trailed off for a moment as he scratched one of his horns. “So that’s just plants and bugs?”

  “Or dragons,” Kass actually squeed as she stepped into the dungeon, her excitement rivalling Minx’s usual demeanor. “Beautiful, beautiful dragons!”

  Even Darwin found himself elated to the point where his cheeks were pulling up happily on their own. If there were one hallmark to all fantasy games, it would be dragons. Most fantasy RPG players were overwhelmed with a desire to fight, conquer and square off against the massive foes that dominated the ground, skies and sometimes even waters of multiple fictional worlds.

  Kass, after regaining herself from the excitement, turned to Darwin and put one hand on each of his shoulders. “Darwin, I want one. No, I must have one. I’ll call you Great Lord Darwin or whatever you want, just please get me a dragon!”

  “Psh, dragons have nothing on Fuzzy Wuzzys!” Minx said, ducking her head as she entered the cave. “Isn’t that right, hairy beary?” She smiled and reached down to pat him; he growled back in seeming agreement.

  “Do you think dragons would be more like dogs or cats if they were domesticated? Or are they a mix?” Darwin said, looking at the first group of them.

  “It doesn’t matter. Just get me one! I’ve studied up on all the material for raising them: I’ve watched the guides on how to train them,” Kass beamed as she hungrily eyed the first batch of Drakes.

  Darwin would have probably already dashed at them and started the fight, but just looking at the six, blue, European-styled drakes with outstretched wings made him nervous. They have
too much of an advantage here, he thought as he looked around. If we fight in this environment, we’ll have to rely completely on Kass to kill them. His worry stemmed from the fact that while the ground inside the cave was the same sturdy obsidian the entrance was made out of, there weren’t any walls or roofs. Rather than the dungeon being laid out like a maze and the route forced upon the player by narrow, walled passages and low ceilings, the dungeon was instead a rather open arena with the player’s movement being limited by the rather patchy and inconsistent presence of ground to stand on. There was nothingness for a hundred feet or so on either side of the pathway. There didn’t even seem to be much of anything supporting the pathway for that matter. It was as if the strip of ground they were standing on was being held up by some invisible force, and then, at the bottom, there was a bright pit of lava and fire that lit the entire dungeon up.

  If the dragons have even half a brain, they’ll take to the skies and kill us with fire, he thought, frowning. His best bet was likely going to be trying to kill them before they could take off, but the size of their massive wings gave him the sinking feeling they would be airborne before he could say ‘pogostick lizards.’

  “Well, we could wait for Daniel, Valerie and Mclean to finish up their task and get here,” Darwin said.

  “What? No! We can do this!” Kass insisted.

  “Right right, big sis! Let’s do it do it!” Minx said, ignoring the fact that neither Kitchens nor Darwin were making any sign of starting a fight. She spurred Fuzzy Wuzzy into a charge at the Drakes and raised one of her daggers as if she were a commander leading an infantry charge. “For Glory! For Greatness! For the cute, baby kitten balls and wubby puppy of MyaMya Myaton Abbey!”

  Darwin, seeing the poor girl charging into an outnumbered and outgunned fight by herself, panicked and ran after her with Kitchens and Kass hot on his trail. “Minx! Wait a second!” he shouted after her as he ran, his legs doing the best they could in a desperate attempt to gain ground on her four-legged mount.