Someone Else's Ocean

by Kate Stewart

  “You’ve talked to my therapist, Mom. You know I have it a little bit harder than that.”

  “It’s an excuse.”

  I was on my feet instantly. “You have no idea what it’s like to feel like you’re drowning while life goes on around you, while people smile like they don’t have a care in the world, while you’re struggling to breathe! You have no idea!”

  My mother bared her teeth. “Calm down.”

  I took a deep breath. “That’s just it, Mother,” I said with defeat, my bones aching from the emotions she stirred. “Sometimes I can’t calm down until I’m so weak I can’t move. You made an imperfect daughter—deal with it already. I’m tired of trying to explain it to you.”

  She looked at my father for more backup and he finally stepped in.

  “Blair, listen to her. She’s happy.”

  She shot daggers at him. “We agreed.”

  “We also agreed to hear her out.” My father let out a heavy sigh as he looked over to me. His rehearsed question coming out as an obligation. “You won’t even consider coming back?”

  “No, Dad. I love New York but it’s too hard for me. I won’t go back to live in a place I can’t breathe in. This is my life. I’m happy with it. The sooner you two accept it, the better.”

  “I’m selling this house,” my mother stated plainly. “You can hide somewhere else.”

  “I was hiding in New York, Mom. This is who I am.”

  “We spent all that money on education, prep schools, what the hell was the point?” She argued, ruthlessly reminding me of the trouble she’d gone through to raise me.

  “Maybe it was so she could figure this out on her own. Jesus Blair, give her some credit. She suffered for all those years just to please us, can’t you see that?” My father had taken a side and from the look on her face, it wasn’t the right one. “And you’re not selling this goddamn house.”

  I felt the earth shift as he defied my mother and my pulse began to kick up.

  “What in the hell did you just say?” She paled as he leaned forward, his face defiant.

  “You heard me. Her happiness comes first, just like yours has for the last thirty-four years of our lives. I won’t let you alienate our little girl. This whole situation is your doing.”

  Oh shit.

  “Mom,” my voice was shaking. I could feel the rattle begin in my brain. “Look at me, please.”

  Hurt and anger coursed through me as I pleaded to keep the situation from escalating further. “Please don’t fight. I never wanted to disappoint you. I love you both so much. Please don’t do this.”

  She looked over to me as I begged her once again to try to understand. “I will never live up to what you want me to be. Ever. This won’t change. I’m not changing my mind and I can’t change yours. Don’t ruin what you have with daddy because you think I failed you. He didn’t disappoint you, I did. But I can’t let your ridiculous expectations ruin another minute of my life. If you can’t be proud of me this way, please just leave.”

  “Blair, let’s go.”

  Blair Vaughn stood five foot, nine inches of relentless beauty and never-ending expectation “The hell I will, we aren’t done talking.”

  Twin tears rolled down my cheeks as I looked at my mother and accepted our fate. “I’m done, Mom. Please try to understand. I’m done.”

  “We’re leaving. Blair, go get your bags.”

  “Daddy, you don’t have to leave. Please, can we please just try to enjoy our time together?”

  “We aren’t done discussing this!”

  My father turned on her, his eyes cold. “Now, Blair, damn you! This is the last time you make our daughter feel unworthy of your love. Do you hear me? This is the last time. She’s a grown woman and old enough to choose her own happiness. Give it up and go get your things. We’re leaving!”

  My mother swallowed as incredulous tears built up in her eyes.

  “Now, Blair, go!”

  We both jumped at the anger in his voice. Her eyes flitted to mine and I saw the rest of our ties start to snap. “Mom,” I called after her as she slammed the front door shut behind her.

  Unable to handle the idea that I’d caused a rift between my parents, I pleaded with my dad who was shaking as he stared at the ocean. “Daddy, I’m so sorry.”

  He took a few steadying breaths before he pulled me into his arms. “I know. Jesus, Koti, I feel so responsible. I should have stopped this shit years ago, I’m so sorry.”

  “I hid it, Dad. I hid it from you both. This is just the way she is, she’ll never get it and that’s not your fault either.”

  He pulled back and searched my eyes. “I’m proud of you anyway. Always. I hope you know that. I’m so proud of you. I’m so sorry you had to save yourself, but so proud you did.”

  We cried together on the porch as my mother slammed her way through the house.

  Licking the tears from my lips I apologized again, the guilt of what was in store for him hard to bear. “I’m sorry, I just can’t cater to her anymore.”

  “I know. Just be happy. I know it’s hard to believe, but I think a majority of this is because she wants you home.”

  “Daddy,” I said tearfully as I pulled away, “I am home.”

  I sat on my porch hours after my parents left. My father’s tearful goodbye on the forefront of my mind. There was a rift between my mother and I that may never be repaired, at least not in a way it would mend anytime in the foreseeable future. Though I was finally okay with it, I knew it had just broken his heart and ripped his family apart. And the sad part was, only the two of us knew it to be true. My mother would forever maintain this was my fault.

  “Hey.”

  Ian walked up to the bottom step and looked up at me.

  “Hey.”

  “Your parents left?”

  “Yeah. Feel free to move about the cabin.” The smile I offered was weak. “Sorry about that impromptu visit. They won’t be back.”

  Ian winced. “That bad?”

  “It always was.”

  He made his way on the porch and sat on the hammock.

  Unexpected anger surfaced. “I don’t need you to be here to tell me it’s okay.”

  “Then I won’t tell you it’s okay.”

  “How’s this? I don’t want you here. And you didn’t want to be here, remember?”

  Ian flinched, pulling himself up from the hammock. He nodded, sliding his hands in his shorts before moving toward his house.

  “Ian?”

  He stared at the sand but stopped walking.

  “You need to be out by Thursday. You can take the room.”

  “I can get a hotel.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

  “I’ve invited some friends to the island.”

  I wiped a tear from my eyes. “It’s fine, I have the space.”

  “Koti…”

  “It’s fine.”

  He nodded before he disappeared down the beach.

  IT WAS FUN WHILE IT lasted, right?

  Fuck me. I was an unbelievable asshole. She’d been there to hold my hand and I’d practically burned hers when she needed mine. That sort of guilt was exactly what I’d been trying to avoid. For once in my life, I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s well-being and I should have been satisfied she’d let me off the hook. But that wasn’t what bothered me. What bothered me was that I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to sit next to her and hold her hand. I wanted to kiss her worries quiet and pull her back into our bubble. Stomping down the sand with thoughts of her had me rattling with disquiet and threatened the peace I’d only just found. I glanced at her house in the distance with no idea what state she was in. If the devastation on her face and the quiet tears she was trying to hide were any indication, she was in a world of hurt.

  “You’re a son of a bitch, Ian Kemp,” I muttered as my phone buzzed in my pocket. Reluctantly I answered. “Hi, Mom.”

  “Hello, darling. How are you?”

 
“Good, I’m good.”

  “I’m calling because I’m afraid we’re going to have to cancel our trip to see you. Your father has developed a case of the shingles. Terrible. He’s hurting something awful.”

  “Shit, I’m sorry.”

  “I am too. I was looking so forward to seeing you. Maybe we can meet you and Ella next time you come home?”

  “Sounds good. Give my best to dad.”

  “Not so fast, son. Tell me how you are really.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Bullshit.”

  I chuckled because a curse out of Rowan Kemp was rare and sounded totally out of place.

  “Tell me what upset you.”

  “I can’t. Just trust me that I can’t talk about it yet. Soon. Okay?”

  “Okay?” My mother was a warrior, solely devoted to her love of family. I couldn’t imagine life without her support and as I looked at the lifeless house next to mine, I was saddened for Koti that she hadn’t experienced the same.

  “Mom…”

  “Yes?”

  “I just want you to know I love you. And I’m a lucky bastard to have you as a mother.”

  “Oh, God. You aren’t going to hurt yourself, are you?”

  “No, of course—”

  “Ian, don’t do this to me, to Ella. Don’t do anything rash. You have so much waiting for you here.”

  Though untimely because of her worry, I couldn’t help my laughter. “I obviously need to tell you these things more often. Of course, I’m not going to do anything like that.”

  “Promise me, Ian. If things get so bad you have those thoughts…”

  “That worry is unnecessary I assure you, but I promise. Take care of Dad and I’ll call you soon.”

  “Liar, you never phone.”

  “Once a week, that’s a new promise.”

  Her sarcasm leaked over the line. “I’ll believe that, sure.”

  “I’ll make you a believer.”

  “How are you and Koti getting along?”

  “Fine,” I said with a grimace. “We’ve been doing a lot of catching up.” Though wildly inappropriate while speaking with my mother, I couldn’t help to think of the look in her eyes when I had her clinging to me just a day before.

  “You know we saw her last year. The poor thing looked malnourished. She’s so beautiful though, don’t you think?”

  “I do,” I said as gravel filled my throat. “Very beautiful.”

  “Yes, a little bit dazzling.”

  “Dazzling…” I faltered as Koti walked out of her house and began to light her candles before reggae started drifting through her speakers.

  “She’s such a beautiful spirit. Maybe you could take her out sometime? From what your dad and I saw, she doesn’t venture out much.”

  “If you saw her, I think you would agree she’s come a long way since the last time you were here.”

  “That’s so good to know. So… do you think you two might be starting up more than a friendship?”

  “I’ve got to go, Mom.”

  “Oh, come on! I’m an old lady, tell me something good. She finds you attractive, doesn’t she?” she asked in a conspiratorial whisper. “Are you two flirting? Tell me anything.”

  “Ella made the honor roll.”

  “You are a right shit.”

  “You’re cursing a lot.” Much like the other woman in my life that I seemed to bring out the worst in.

  “It’s hot as hell here, it makes me crazy.”

  “Don’t get me started on Dad’s geographical choice to migrate.”

  “Adam was worth it. Did you know your brother is seeing a waitress at a bar called The Hooters?”

  I chuckled. “It’s just Hooters, Mom. No ‘The’ before it.”

  “He won’t let us meet her. We offered to go. I think your dad and I might pop in as a surprise.”

  “I’m pretty sure Dad will enjoy it.”

  “Really, do they serve good food?”

  “The best,” I said, smiling. Adam was about to be humiliated.

  “Right then, it’s settled.”

  “Let me know how it goes,” I said doing my best to conceal my smile.

  She was too sharp. “What aren’t you telling me?”

  “Nothing Mom, enjoy The Hooters.”

  “If you say so. I’m sure I will. Love you, son.”

  “Love you.”

  I hung up and made my way toward the house. Koti read in the safety of her hammock and didn’t bother to glance my way when I stepped up on my porch to let Disco out.

  She couldn’t avoid me forever, and at the same time, a few days apart might give us both perspective. We were only in danger of becoming closer.

  Thursday she would be forced to make conversation, to look at me, to talk to me.

  Thursday.

  SCRUBBING MY STOVE, I WAS nervous in a way I hadn’t been in years. Ian and I had barely looked at each other since my parents left. Well, I’d barely looked at him. I knew I was being a little childish. He told me he didn’t want to get involved and I understood it to a degree but being a friend with benefits required him to be a friend. I couldn’t help my anger at his decision to leave me hanging knowing my whole story. Pushing past it for the greater good, I decided to try and put my hurt aside to make the trip the best I could for Ian and his friends, even if I was irritated with him. Two sharp knocks at my door had me pulling my rubber gloves off. I opened it with a smile only to have the wind knocked out of me by the sight of him. Disco barked at my feet as Ian’s scowl and shitty greeting quickly erased all my good intentions.

  “They’re pulling up and you don’t have any clothes on!”

  “I live at the beach. These are my clothes.”

  “A bikini isn’t clothes. Get something else on, now.”

  “Hello to you too. I agree the house looks nice. I’ve been cleaning all day. You’re welcome.”

  “It’s appreciated

  “Could’ve fooled me.”

  “Koti,” he said in warning. “We don’t have time to argue.”

  “Then let’s not argue.”

  “Damnit, woman.”

  I eyed my waiting coverup dress on the couch and thought better of it.

  “Don’t bark orders at me, I’m doing you another favor.”

  The creak of the screen behind him put a stop to our argument.

  “S’up, fucker,” the guy at the door greeted as Ian turned to face him grinning from ear to ear.

  “How the hell are you doing, Kemp?”

  The man caught sight of me as they hugged and cleared his throat. “Sorry about the profanity, ma’am.” The man was tall, with shortly-cropped brown hair and gorgeous dark blue eyes. “I’m Julian Drake.”

  I smiled. “Koti.”

  “Ian, you didn’t tell us you had a new girl.”

  Ian glanced between us and I let him sweat a little before I spoke up. “We’re just friends. Ian’s parents own the house next door, but it’s rented at the moment, so you guys are shacking up here.”

  Julian did a full sweep over me with appreciative eyes before he looked back to Ian. “Did you go blind?”

  “Shut up,” Ian snapped. “Where are dumb and dumber?”

  “Getting their bags out of the car.”

  “I’ve got your dumb and dumber, dickhead,” a guy said, climbing the porch steps and looking back at the ocean. “Nice spot.” He grinned at Ian. “Ian Kemp, you ugly bastard.”

  “Doug, you piece of shit.” They clapped backs and he grinned wider as he looked over at me. “Damn, I see things are good for you, Kemp.”

  “I’m Koti,” I offered as he kissed my hand.

  “I’m Doug and you must be his new lady.”

  I shook my head adamantly. “Nah, Ian’s more of a big brother to me.”

  Ian cleared his throat, gray laser beams directed at me until he was struck by a duffle in the back and let out a loud “oomph.”

  “What the hell, Drew,” Ian grunted out, as he turned t
o face his attacker.

  “You poor bastard, you just keep getting uglier,” he said, as Drew hugged Ian before eyeing me. “God, please tell me she’s my birthday present.”

  Ian cringed as I spoke up on my own behalf. “Sorry pal, I’m more of a Navy guy kind of girl.”

  All four of them looked at me with matching scowls before Drew spoke up with a shit-eating grin. “Beautiful and a ballbuster. I’m in love.”

  Ian smacked him playfully in the back of the head. “I see you haven’t grown much. I’m assuming it’s the same sad case for your dick.”

  I bit my lips to hide my smile. All four men spoke animatedly as beers were passed from the fridge and I sat on a stool with my wine in hand, the odd girl out. After half an hour of feeling like a fifth wheel, I decided if I was going to make it through the weekend, I would need backup.

  “I could kick your ass for giving me a last-minute invite,” Jasmine said under her breath as she walked up the porch steps. “A house full of Marines? And you were going to keep this from moi?”

  “Hell yes, I was,” I said, grabbing her bag. “Try to behave yourself.”

  “Oh, well yeah, that’s impossible.”

  She stepped into the room where four gorgeous men sat around my kitchen island shooting the shit.

  “Jesus. Okay, let me pick out Ian. Oh God, he’s not handsome, he’s Bradley-fucking-Cooper hot. What the hell have you been hiding from me?! I’m decreasing your pay.”

  “You can’t legally do that.”

  “You’re a real asshole. God, Koti, he’s so beautiful.”

  I sighed. “I know.” A beautiful self-absorbed asshole.

  “Who’s the tall one with the blue eyes?”

  “Julian.”

  “Dibs.”

  “There’s no one else here to call it.”

  “Dibs anyway,” she said retrieving a bottle of tequila. “Hey fellas, the party has officially started.” All four men turned to see Jasmine in her Salma Hayek getup and all jaws dropped, including the jaw of the bastard I was sleeping with. I narrowed my eyes as he cleared his throat.

  Two of the guys whistled as Ian searched for shot glasses. I moved to the kitchen to help him.