Accidental Love (Accidental Crush #2)

by Adrienne Torrisi

  "That's good."

  "I guess." I shrug and look up at the fluorescent lights, trying to push the tears I feel welling up back into my head.

  "I'm really sorry, Ash." I look into his striking green eyes and can tell he really is. "What did he say?"

  I squeeze my lips together. It's almost as if they don't want me to say any more, as if they are holding the words in for me, but I finally do speak. "He said it's not me, it's him."

  "What the hell does that mean? Besides, I kissed you, you didn't kiss me."

  "I know. I told him that," I say to the ground as I pick at the familiar shag carpet. "It doesn't matter." I shake my head. "Anyway, let's talk about something else."

  So we do. We talk about everything else for the rest of the week, and Casey doesn't bring it up again.

  I throw myself into practices since our next swim meet is this weekend. I channel all of my hurt and anger to push myself harder every day. I picture RTS's face every time I push off the side of the pool for my turns. Thankfully, she's been smart enough to avoid the pool, or I think I would definitely get fired because I wouldn't be able to hold myself back.

  As the week flies by, my swim time gets faster and faster. I'm grateful for Casey, grateful for swimming, grateful for any distraction.

  Chapter 18: Today is the Day

  Today's the day. Ryan is coming home, which means Todd is coming home. Other than Casey, only Sid and Shane know about "the break," and whenever I'm not swimming or at the pool, I've been with them. And I love them for it.

  Sid has been so careful not to talk about Todd. She said her parents have no idea, which gives me a small glimmer of hope; however, I'm trying hard not to hang onto that. Of course I am, though. I've told no one else; not my parents, not Blythe, no one. Mostly because I can't bear to say it out loud.

  Stop thinking about him and concentrate on the race, I keep repeating to myself, but my brain goes right back to Todd and the impending doom.

  Adrenaline is running through me as I stand on the block. I'm in the second to last position in the relay swim again. As soon as my block is tagged, I launch into the water. I love the rush and the feeling of the water flowing over my skin as I fly through the lane. I push off harder than I ever have on my turnaround, and I can tell I'm in the lead.

  I see Casey ready to dive in, and as soon as I tag, he is off. With him as our last swimmer, we've got this win since we're already in the lead. Watching him swim never gets old. His form is pure perfection. He glides through the water, the epitome of grace.

  I glance over and see Sid and Shane screaming. I'm so happy they are here today. I need them more for what is about to happen after the race. I'm dreading seeing Todd. Not seeing his face has made it easier for me to pretend it's not real.

  Casey tags the block so far ahead of all the other swimmers it's almost embarrassing. We won! The entire team is hugging and screaming. Casey comes up to me with open arms.

  "No kiss this time," he says with a sweet smile as he holds his hands up in surrender. We both start to laugh.

  "We did it," I say as he wraps his arms around me.

  Sid and Shane come running over. I love them for saving me from what could've been an awkward moment if we let it go on any longer.

  "Congratulations, Ash! You were amazing!" They both shout as we group hug.

  "You weren't too bad, either," Shane says to Casey.

  Casey just laughs it off. "Thanks, Shane."

  "Thanks for being here, guys." I give them both hugs again, none of us caring that I'm getting them soaking wet.

  I finally make it back to my locker in the break room to get ready to go home and face Todd, my heart pounding as I run my fingers over my bracelet. I take a deep breath and put it back on. The only time I've taken it off is when I'm at the pool. I can't bear to actually stop wearing it even though we are on a break. Whenever I look at it, it's a reminder of Todd. Once I take it off it, it will make it real, and I'm not ready for that. It would feel too final, too over.

  As my Mom pulls up to our house, I see Ryan's car in the driveway with Todd's parked behind it. I feel light-headed and sick to my stomach all at once. I'm going to pass out. I've never passed out before, but I'm positive this is what it feels like.

  "Oh, it looks like the boys are home," my mom says with a voice full of excitement, the exact opposite of what I'm feeling right now. However, I need to pretend I'm excited because she has no idea what's going on with Todd.

  "That's great," I reply, and I'm sure if I say more, I'm going to throw up all over the front seat of the car. As a result, I give my mom a tight smile and try to will the lump in my throat away. I'm pretty sure she buys it, but I'm definitely not thinking clearly, so I'm not sure. I just need to make it to my room.

  Avoid Todd. Avoid Todd. That's all I keep thinking as I nervously play with my bracelet.

  My mom won't stop talking as we walk into the house. Why is she talking so loud? Why can't she just enter the house in silence so I can go to my room without them knowing we're home?

  "We're home, boys," she shouts upstairs, and I truly think I might die right here.

  "Mom," I shout whisper.

  "What?" she says innocently. I want to kill her.

  But no one comes. Maybe by some miracle they didn't hear her. I actually make it upstairs and still no one. The hall is empty. Ryan's door is closed. I can't believe my luck. Maybe just their cars are here and they aren't. I feel my nerves start to relax while I take what I'm pretty sure is my first breath since we've pulled up to the house.

  I lie on my bed and try to enjoy the last few minutes I have left to avoid my Todd reality. I start playing through scenarios that actually give me hope that I won't have to "talk" to him tonight. Maybe he's not really here. Maybe they went out with Brian and just left their cars.

  Then I hear it—his voice. It's low, but thanks to the vent, I can hear him, actually both of them. Just his voice brings the lump in my throat back, and I look around for my garbage pail. I'm sure everything I ate today is coming back up.

  "You have to tell her." It's low, but I know Ryan's voice.

  "I will. I am. That's why I came home, but I need to do it in person." Todd sounds upset.

  Tell who what? My heart drops into my stomach. What are they talking about?

  "Good. Because, if you don't, I will." Ryan sounds angry as he attempts to talk low to avoid being overheard. I guess he really doesn't know about the vent.

  "Back off, Ryan. This is between me and Ash, okay? I'm going to handle it."

  My stomach turns over at those words. It is me they're talking about. What is going on?

  Ryan's voice is getting louder. "I've wanted to tell her since it happened. She needs to know. She thinks this break is because of her."

  I hear something hard slam against the wall in his room. I'm not sure what it was, but it sounds like things are getting pretty heated. I hate that they are fighting because of me. Todd is right; this is between us. But what are they talking about?

  "I'm going to tell her." Todd over enunciates each word. "It was a mistake, and I'm going to tell her." He is just as angry as Ryan, and they are no longer trying to keep their voices down.

  Now I'm getting angry, too. I want to know what they are talking about, and I'm pissed that this clearly has been going on for a while. My anger quickly takes over my dread, and before I know it, I'm knocking on Ryan's door. I hear instant silence on the other side. I would give anything to be a fly on the wall in that room right now.

  "Who is it?" Ryan puts on his best innocent voice just in case it's my mom.

  "It's me."

  Todd opens the door, not Ryan. Just seeing his beautiful clear blue eyes causes a volcanic type eruption of butterflies in my stomach. It's been two weeks since I've laid eyes on him, and although I feel like I've memorized every detail of his face, my memory hasn't done it justice. But I can tell from the bluish-green hue of his eyes that he's upset.

  I want to ask them abou
t camp, give Ryan a big hug, kiss Todd, yet I'm frozen in place while my heart pounds. Every molecule in my body wants to know what they were talking about, but at the same time, I really don't want to hear it, any of it, not really.

  Against my heart's advice, I take a deep breath and ask, "Do you have something to tell me?"

  Todd gives Ryan a quick glance before his eyes lock with mine. "I do." He presses his lips together. I know this move; I've been doing it a lot lately. I know it's his subconscious trying to keep the words in.

  "My room?" I ask as I glance at Ryan and give him a small smile. I'm glad he's home, but this conversation needs to happen before we talk about anything else.

  Todd just nods and gestures toward the hall, as if to say, you go first.

  This is the first time in my life my room feels foreign to me. It's the first time I don't want to be in it. It's the first time I really don't want to hear what Todd has to say.

  He watches my fingers nervously fidget with my bracelet. "You're still wearing it." His lips turn up into a smile. This is the first time I've seen his smile in two weeks, and that alone causes the butterflies to stir up again.

  "Of course," I say, looking down at it, grateful to have something else to look at. "I love it," I whisper more to the bracelet than to Todd.

  He reaches out and strokes my wrist; his touch feels warm and familiar. I close my eyes and try to force the tears back. I know where this is going, and part of me just wants it to happen quickly while another part of me wants to freeze time so I never have to hear the words.

  "I'm so sorry," I say, keeping my eyes on my bracelet.

  "Don't, Ash." He shakes his head. "God, I've missed you," he whispers as his fingers run over mine.

  His touch gives me hope until our eyes lock, and I can see the mist in his eyes equals mine. I feel my heart tighten. "Todd, I don't care about Casey. He kissed me. It didn't mean anything, though. It was a mistake." I hate the pleading tone in my voice, but I feel him pulling away, and I don't know why.

  "Ash, I did something at camp, something unforgivable, the night I found out about you and Casey."

  All hope is instantly washed out of me with those words. My heart feels like a deflated balloon that's been flying around the room and is now lying on the floor, lifeless. His eyes move away from mine, looking at everything in my room except me.

  There is silence as I finally absorb his 'it's not you, it's me' comment from our last phone call. I thought he was just trying to be kind, but he was being literal.

  He places a strand of my hair behind my ear and I hate myself for relishing in his touch. "What happened?" I finally find the strength from deep within to ask.

  He exhales for what feels like an hour. "I was so pissed…" He rubs his hand, and I can see the evidence of when he punched his locker scraped across his knuckles. "I wished I was closer so I could punch Casey, but instead, I punched the first thing I could find."

  "Yeah, I heard," I say, resisting the urge to run my fingers over his healing wounds.

  "You know it was the last day of practice before our break day, and all the guys from camp were going out to this party on campus. It was our first real college party, and it was one of the only things that helped me get through hell week. Well, that and you." He gives me a small smile. He shakes his head as he continues, "But when I got the picture of you and Casey, I couldn't see straight. It's just, him of all people." He squeezes his eyes shut. I can tell he wants to say more, but he doesn't. "I was so pissed I wasn't going to go to the party, but Brian and Ry said I needed to get out and get my mind off things. I wish I'd called you before I went. I know you tried to talk to me, but I just couldn't do it, Ash. I wasn't ready and didn't want to say anything I would regret." He gives a half-laugh to himself at the irony of that now.

  "I know. I get it," I say so low I almost don't hear it myself.

  "So I went to the party, and the only thing that made me feel better was drinking. I wanted to be numb, wanted to feel nothing." He looks back up at the ceiling fan in my room before his eyes meet mine again. "There was this girl there." He closes his eyes again. "I don't even know her fucking name. I couldn't even remember it that night. But she was all over me and—" He stops and I feel like his silence is a knife through my heart.

  "And?" I ask, not really wanting to hear the rest but needing to know what happened.

  He takes another deep breath, and I can tell he hates the words as he says them. "And she kissed me and… I kissed her back—"

  "Stop." I place my finger on his lips. "Just stop."

  He shakes his head. "No, I need to tell you. It meant nothing to me. Nothing. I was hurt and couldn't believe you kissed Casey. I was so jealous and drunk. It was bad. Ryan saw me with this girl, and we got into a fight. Brian had to break it up with a few other guys. I don't remember anything else, but Brian said he had to drag me back to our room.

  "Things haven't been the same with me and Ry. I'm so pissed at myself. I just was so mad. I can't believe I kissed that girl, and if it wasn't for Ryan, I don't know what else I would've done." He rubs the pad of his thumb across my cheek.

  "You see, I ruined it. Me, not you. I fucked everything up for some girl I don't even know." He shakes his head.

  I can see how bad he's hurting, and I want to make it better, but I can't. I can't believe he did that, either. I want to say it's okay and I love him, because I do, but I don't know if I can say any of those things. Not now. Right now, I can't say anything.

  I feel the tears falling down my cheeks and want to stop them, but I can't.

  He wipes my tears with his thumbs as his hands cradle my face. "I'm so sorry, Ash. I understand if you can't forgive me. I can't forgive myself."

  "I'm sorry, too," I whisper, not even sure if sound comes out.

  We look at each other in silence, and my heart seems to know this is the last time he'll touch me like this, look at me like this. I see tears in his eyes, and I find myself hating the beautiful aqua color they turn when he's upset.

  "I'm sorry for what I did, too, but I want you to know that I didn't kiss him back. I pushed him away." I try to pull it together, but my cracking voice is a dead giveaway.

  Todd shakes his head and looks down at my comforter. "I wish I could say the same thing." Then his eyes connect with mine. "But I want you to know, she didn't mean anything to me, either. I was drunk and angry. I thought you kissed Casey, and I know that's not an excuse." He shakes his head again. "You mean everything to me." He runs his hands over my hair, and for a second, I think he's going to kiss me, but then he pulls back. "But I get it. I just think… I think it'd be best if we weren't together." He squeezes his eyes shut. "I hurt everyone I'm with: Dylan, Rebecca, and now you." He opens his eyes and they reconnect with mine. "I don't want to hurt you any more than I already have."

  I want to scream, no. I want to scream, kiss me. But my pride won't let me. Why didn't he push her away? Why didn't he say he had a girlfriend? I know he thought I kissed Casey, but he should have trusted me, not some stupid picture from Rebecca. Our feelings should be stronger than some nameless girl he just met.

  As much as it pains me to say the words, I can't bring myself to say anything else. "You just did."

  I'll never forget the hurt look of realization on his face. It takes me by surprise, but I can't take the words back now, as much as I want to.

  He swallows hard. "I understand." His fingers brush across my cheeks to wipe the last of the drying tears. "I really am sorry, Ash." His fingers move to my hand then to the bracelet. "I still love you like crazy."

  I squeeze my lips together and nod my head yes. I don't have any more words as I watch him slowly get up off my bed and shut the door behind him. He doesn't stop by Ryan's room. I hear him say goodbye to my parents as he sees himself out. I know he's leaving tomorrow for two more weeks, and I can't believe he's leaving my life forever.

  Chapter 19: Fresh Start (sort of)

  This last week has been one of the hardest I
've ever had to live through. I've avoided the topic with everyone, and I mean everyone. Sid doesn't know, which means Todd hasn't told anyone, either. Casey knew better than to ask how it went. I appreciate it, although I'm sure he figured it didn't go well; otherwise, I probably would've told him. I'm not sure if that is true, but I do wish it went well enough for me to find out how I would have handled it. It didn't, though.

  Ryan has been overly sweet, which I hate because it's just a reminder things aren't normal.

  When I'm not at the pool, I've been spending a lot of time in my room, lying on my bed, wallowing in my sorrow. I go back and forth between crying into or burying my nose in Todd’s letterman jacket, desperately trying to hang onto his scent, his memory. I can't snap out of it. I don't want to. I'm here again, wallowing, until I hear a faint knock on my door.

  "Ash, it's me. Can I come in?" I close my eyes and pretend to hear nothing. I don't want to talk to him, to anyone. Being Ryan, though, he doesn't wait for a response; he just opens my door and invites himself in.

  He sits down next to me on my bed, making himself right at home, which is odd. I can't remember the last time he just came to hang out in my room. By the look on his face, I know I look bad. I see his eyes land on Todd’s jacket, and I’m a little embarrassed he caught me with it, but I don’t even have enough emotional energy left to really care.

  "How are you?" he asks gently, like I'm a caged animal. I hate his tone, but I hate that I deserve it even more.

  "I'm okay." Even as I say it, I know he doesn't buy it.

  "Ash, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry Todd is such an asshole."

  At that, I sit up. "He's not, Ryan." I say with more anger than I've intended. It's the first real emotion I've felt other than heartbreak. Honestly, I didn't think I could feel anything, so I welcome it.

  "How can you say that after what he did?" He looks at me like I've lost my mind, and maybe I have.