Indulge

by Liv Morris

  How could I have been so selfish?

  I stand up and walk over to her dresser. I lightly touch the ends of the big curls on the last wig. I feel so lost and alone. How could she do this to me? Did she not stop to think how much I needed her? Did she think I would just forget about her?

  I lean over and shove everything off the dresser and onto the floor. Glass breaks and stuff goes flying across the room as I scream out for my mom. It makes me feel better to destroy something. I turn and rip a picture frame off the wall. I throw it to the floor as glass skids across her hardwood floors. I pick up a vase that sits on a shelf and throw it into a wall. I watch it shatter into a million little pieces, just like my heart.

  It can’t be repaired.

  I turn and continue to tear stuff up. A clock, pillows, blankets, more picture frames and a lamp. Anything I can get my hands on.

  I hear Slade’s ringtone play on my phone. I dig it out of my pocket and stare at it. I had wanted to tell him where I was going. I had wanted him to tell me I would be okay.

  Now...

  Now I want nothing to do with him. I’ve always thought that he couldn’t love me enough, and now I know it’s true. He could never love someone so broken.

  I have no one.

  I look at my reflection in the big square mirror sitting on the dresser. I am so selfish and pathetic. Maybe everyone has always left me because I didn’t deserve their love.

  My phone continues to play our love song. The song that I thought held the possibility that I had finally found true love. Boy, was I wrong! I throw it at the mirror, and I continue to watch my reflection as the glass shatters.

  “How could you do this?” I scream. “How could you let me leave this morning knowing you were never going to see me again?” I continue screaming at nothing because it feels good. It feels good to let it out. I have so much frustration inside of me, and I feel the need to break, throw and demolish anything I can find.

  Silence is all that remains in the room now that my phone is in pieces. My chest heaves as I try to breathe, and my lungs burn from screaming. I look around at all the things I’ve destroyed as tears run down my face. The room is a mess and the floor is covered with glass.

  I look over to the only thing I didn’t touch. The nightstand. I see some folded pieces of paper, along with a couple of pictures lying on top of it. I slowly walk over to it.

  I start to sob as I think of the letters my dad had left his attorney. How did this become my life? I sit on the bed, and with shaky hands open a letter from my mother.

  My dearest Samantha,

  I never meant to hurt you. Don’t you see? I love you more than life itself. You were my heart and soul. I need you to understand that I never wanted this for you. I never wanted you to have to see me die, or have to take care of me. I would rather you be mad at me, than have memories of me wasting away to nothing. I had a talk with Slade the night you guys were here. He’s a good man and loves you very much. He talked some sense into me, but it was already too late.

  I just want you to know I was always there. Every time you called. I would listen to your message right after you left it. I would cry my eyes out, thinking how much I missed hearing your voice and seeing you. I had to stay away from you, though. You deserved better. You’re so young and have a life to live. As I write this letter, I now know it was worth keeping you away because you met Slade.

  I’m sorry I lied when I said I had three months to live. The doctor did tell me that. Four months ago. When I woke up the other day, I just had to call you. I didn’t want to die with you thinking you weren’t important to me. I had this feeling that God wouldn’t allow me to live longer than I should without a reason. You were that reason, Samantha, so I asked for you to come see me. And like the compassionate person you are, you came. You have grown up to be such a beautiful young lady.

  I know you’re coming back to stay with me until the end. But just in case I don’t make it long, I need you to know a few things.

  I went to your high school and college graduation. I was so proud of you, and there was no way I would have missed either one of them. I look at the pictures all the time. I use them as a reminder that you were living your life. Like I wanted you to do.

  When you left for Texas, I wanted to see you before you left, but I had chemo that day. I was still trying to fight it. I wanted to beat the cancer so that I could have a life with you. But things don’t always work out the way you plan them. I didn’t want you to see me after that. You would have known something was up, and you were so heartbroken when your dad passed that I didn’t want to add more turmoil to your life. I will forever be sorry that I kept this from you. Please forgive me. I never meant to hurt you. I thought it was the only way to protect you.

  I never spent any of that money you sent me. Even though you ripped up that check, the money is still sitting in the account I got you once the money started coming.

  I left you everything I have. It’s not much, but it was mine. The house, which your dad built me for my wedding present, my SUV, and your dad’s old hot rod that he got from my father when we got married.

  Last but not least, I love you, Samantha. I just wanted you to be free. Once you’re a mother, you see the world differently. You have to think for two people. First for your child, then for yourself. Your father and I always put you first, and I know you will do the same. You will be a wonderful mother who will one day understand why I did what I did.

  I could never tell you enough how much I love you. I loved you then, and I love you still. My love is so powerful for you that it will not end with my death.

  Now, go on and live your life. Love Slade with everything you have. He loves you. He told me so, even though I didn’t have to hear him say it. I could tell in the way he looked at you. The way he spoke of you. That man is madly in love with you. I know that you love him too.

  Don’t be scared of love, Samantha. It’s a beautiful thing.

  Love always, Mom

  I lay the note down next to me on the bed, along with the pictures. I’m sobbing, and I’m having trouble breathing. I am mentally drained, and an emotional disaster.

  I slide to the floor, sitting on glass and whatever else I have broken. I feel a few bites into my leg, but I don’t care. I welcome the pain; it tells me I’m not numb to everything. I curl up in the fetal position, wishing Slade was here. I need to tell him I love him.

  I cry harder than I ever have before. I now know she loved me. She made the biggest selfless act by letting me go and live my life. I just wish she would have let me do the same and stayed with her. I’ll never get that chance to show her how much I love her.

  She’s gone.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  I pace the entryway of my house.

  It’s past five, and she’s not here. I’ve been calling her over the last two hours. Where the hell could she be? I’ve called Josh, Holly and my mom, but no one has heard from her.

  “Hello?” I say to Josh as I answer my phone.

  “Hey man. I know where she’s at.” He sounds weary.

  “Thank God. Where is she?” I ask, picking up my keys. Wherever she is, I’m going to get her, then bring her back here so we can get on the road.

  “She’s in Tulsa,” he says reluctantly.

  “What?” I bark. She went without me?

  “I called Courtney. She had no idea about Sam’s mom, and said she would run by their house. She just called me back. She found Sam in her mom’s room, curled up in a ball crying. Guess her mom has already passed,” he says sadly.

  “She died? When did she die? Angel and I were just with her this morning.” How did all this happen? Why didn’t she call me?

  “Yeah. That’s what Courtney said. I don’t know much. Just something about a note Courtney read. Oh, and she found Sam’s phone smashed to pieces. Said her mom’s bedroom had been trashed. Guess Sam destroyed it.”

  “Okay,” I sigh. Poor Angel. “I’m going to head to the airport.
I need to be in Tulsa now.” I walk out the garage door and head to my car.

  “Is there anything you need me to do?”

  “Not that I can think of right now. I’m sure we will be there for a while, though.” I start to back out of the garage.

  “Well, just let me know. Whatever you or Sam need, man. I’ll do it.”

  “Thanks, Josh.”

  We hang up.

  The only good thing about Tulsa being so close is that there are frequent flights back and forth. I sit at a terminal, bouncing my knees as I run a hand over my face. I cannot believe what is happening. Why didn’t she call me? Why would she want to even go without me?

  I hear them call my flight and I jump up, practically running to the gate. I don’t know why; it’s not like it’s going to make them take off any faster. I find my seat and close my eyes.

  I hope Angel is okay. I hope that she knows I’m here for her and that she doesn’t have to take this on by herself. I would never leave her. If my love for her has taught me anything, it’s that love is not always perfect, and I’m not about to walk away from her because it gets hard.

  Courtney meets me as soon as I walk inside Angel’s mom’s house.

  “Slade, I don’t know if she needs to go to the hospital, or if she just needs to sleep. Yeah, sleep. Maybe a sleeping pill. I don’t know what is wrong.” She’s talking fast, and her eyes are as wild with fear.

  “Slow down.” I place my hands on her shoulders. “What’s wrong?”

  She takes a deep breath “Sam. She won’t move. She is still in the same spot she was when I found her. Every time I touch her, she starts screaming at me to leave, so I’ve stayed in the living room. I thought she would cry herself to sleep, but she hasn’t. You have to help her, Slade. Something is wrong.” She is breathing heavy and clearly panicking.

  Of course something’s wrong. Her mom has died.

  “I’ll go talk to her. It will be okay.”

  I walk to the room and knock on the door. She doesn’t say anything, but I do hear her crying softly. “Angel.” I push the door open. She is lying on her side on the floor just like Courtney had said, her head tucked to her knees. My heart drops to my stomach to see her like this. Why did she want to come alone and not with me?

  I walk over to her as my shoes step on cracked glass. I bend down slowly and place my hand on her arm. She jumps up off the floor and looks up at me.

  “Angel, tell me what happened,” I say, taking a step to her. She takes a step back. “Please, Angel.” I take a smaller step. She mimics it. “Has something happened to you? Physically?”

  I look around the room to see she has destroyed everything. It breaks my heart that I wasn’t here for her. Maybe she hurt herself in the process. I look her up and down, and I notice she has a tiny bit of dried blood on her jeans. I move toward her with my hands in the air. I don’t want her to think I will hurt her. She looks like she’s terrified. I take another step towards her, but she starts punching my chest. I try to push my body into hers to block the blows, but she pushes me back with her fists.

  “Don’t touch me!” she screams as she continues to punch at my chest and try to push me out of her way. “Don’t touch me!”

  Her sobbing slows her motions, and I finally grab a hold of one wrist and spin her around, grabbing her other wrist and pinning her arms to her chest with her back to my front. Her body shakes.

  “Shh. It’s okay, Angel. It’s going to be okay.” I try to calm her down as she cries.

  “She’s dead!” she chokes out.

  I feel her legs give out and I fall to the floor, pulling her into my lap. I wrap my arms around her and hold on tight as I start rocking us back and forth.

  “She’s dead,” she says again as her body continues to shake.

  My throat tightens and my eyes start to sting. I blink a few times, letting the tears fall. I want to wipe them away, to be strong for her, but I refuse to let her go. She needs me right now.

  “I know, Angel. I’m so sorry,” I rasp. Another tear runs down my cheek as I try to soothe her. I run my hand down her hair. “I’m right here,” I continue, running my hand down her hair.

  “I’m sorry,” she sobs. “Please don’t leave me.” She grabs a fistful of my shirt.

  My chest tightens. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m not leaving you.” I try to clear the tightness in my throat.

  “You came for me,” she continues sobbing.

  “Of course I did, Angel.” I kiss her hair. “I belong wherever you are.” I can’t hold the tears back as they slowly fall down my cheeks. I grip her tightly as she buries her head in my chest and cries. I lean my cheek down onto her head. “I’m here. I won’t let you go.”

  I want her to quit running from me, I want her to realize how much I fucking love her. I would give my own life for her if that meant she didn’t have to feel what she feels right now.

  She cries until I think she has nothing left. I have no idea how long we sit on the floor, but I feel her body stop shaking and her cries grow quieter. I just continue to hold her as I say soothing things and lightly rock us back and forth, reassuring her I’m not leaving. I finally look away from Angel once I know she is asleep and look up to the door. Courtney is standing there, tears rolling down her cheeks. I know her heart is breaking for her friend just like mine is.

  I stand up, lifting Angel in my arms in the process, and carry her off to her room. I lay her down and cover her with a blanket. I stand there, looking at her for a few minutes. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper, leaning down to kiss her forehead. “I love you.” I reach up and brush a tear from my eye. I wish we were in different circumstances and that she was awake to hear me say those three words.

  I turn and walk back to her mom’s room where Courtney is cleaning up. “Here, let me help you.” I pick up a broken clock.

  She shakes her head and hands me a piece of paper. “You should read this.”

  I nod and unfold the two pieces of paper.

  I set the letter down on the bed, speechless. I still don’t see why she did what she did.

  If I was dying, what would I do?

  “Her phone is shattered. I’m guessing she threw it at the mirror.” She hands me the phone, pulling me away from my thoughts.

  “Yeah,” I sigh. “She must have felt so alone. I wonder how she found out she had passed?”

  “I don’t know. Like I said, she wouldn’t talk to me.” She puts her head down.

  “I’ll call and add her to my plan and get her a new phone.” I sigh. If only every problem in life was that easy to fix.

  “I think I should come back to St. Louis with you guys. You can’t keep taking time off work, and there’s no telling how long she’ll feel this badly.”

  “Okay. I want her to stay at my place, though. I have four extra bedrooms. You can stay there if you want.”

  “Thanks. I want to help you with her. I know she’s upset, but it’s the guilt that’s killing her.” She turns to pick the glass up off the floor.

  “What do you mean? What guilt? The guilt from not being here the last five years?”

  “No.” She shakes her head slowly. “The guilt from yelling at her. She was mumbling about how she was sorry she just left and didn’t listen. That she would have stayed instead of going back to St. Louis.” She comes to sit next to me on the bed.

  I put my head in my hands. “This may be worse than I thought.” If I know Angel, she hates herself right now.

  “My thoughts exactly.”

  We sit there in silence for a few minutes then decide to cook something for dinner.

  Courtney makes some soup, and I take a bowl up to Angel’s room. I open the door to find her sitting up in her bed with her back against the headboard.

  “Angel?”

  She turns her head to me slowly as her eyes settle on mine. I get a chill up my back from how empty they look.

  “Are you hungry?” I go to sit next to her. She slowly shakes her head no. “Courtney mad
e some potato soup. It’s pretty good.” I lightly touch her face. She’s like a timid cat that I’m worried will run away. She shakes her head no again.

  I try to rack my brain with what I can do to soothe her. “Would you like to take a hot bubble bath?’’ I know she loves those. She doesn’t shake her head no, so I take that as a yes.

  “I’ll go start you a bath.” I get up and go to her bathroom that connects to her bedroom. She has a big round bathtub that we could both fit in, but I’ll just let her take one by herself. Once I’ve got her water ready, I turn to go get her but she is already standing there undressing.

  Hmm…good sign.

  I grab her hand and help her get in the tub as I grab the soap and a sponge. I just want her to sit and relax while I wash her. She stays silent as I wash her legs, chest and arms. The more time that goes by, the more worried I get. How long can she stay silent for?

  I stand and reach over for a towel. I take her hand and help her stand, then wrap the towel around her. She walks past me into the bedroom without saying a word. I don’t know what to do for her. Does she just need some rest?

  I walk into the bedroom and see her sitting on the end of her bed. She turns her face to me as tears run down her face. I walk over to her and kneel down in front of her. “I’m so sorry,” she whispers as the tears continue to fall.

  I reach up and wipe them away. “You have nothing to be sorry about, baby.”

  She nods her head. “I should have told you this a long time ago.” She closes her eyes, and I stare at her. I don’t know what she means, but I’m not going to interrupt whatever she has to say.

  She opens her eyes. “Slade,” she sighs.

  “Yes Angel?’ I see her eyes go soft as a smile tug at the corner of her lips. I reach up, wiping away her tears. “I love you.” She smiles, and I realize they are happy tears.

  I feel my heart pounding so hard against my chest that I think it’s going to explode.

  She loves me.

  I could hear her say that to me a thousand times over, and it still wouldn’t be enough.