Night Sky

by Jolene Perry

  “Mom doesn’t want me here,” he says, moving toward the door.

  “Can’t you understand why?” My voice is loud again.

  “I’ll always answer my phone when you call, Jay. Let me know what’s goin’ on, okay?” He grabs the door handle without looking back at me. This is what Dad does. He dissolves the situation, and walks away. It’s his job at work, and now he’s doing it here.

  That’s it. Dad steps out and closes the door behind him. Just like that. Like his house…his life…his marriage…are things he can leave behind. Like I’m…something he can leave behind. Aren’t parents supposed to sit down and talk about crap like this? Tell me it’s not my fault? Tell me they’re trying to work things out and that I shouldn’t worry?

  I rub both hands over my head. It feels like I’ll explode if I don’t do something…anything. I swing my arm and put my fist through the wall, making a satisfying crunch. When I pull my hand out, drywall spills onto the floor. Mom is going to be pissed. My knuckles are bleeding. Wow, I punched a hole in the wall. But I have to admit, I feel better. My hand hurts, but the destruction leaves me strangely satisfied. It’s something real, something concrete—something I have control over.

  “Jamesy?”

  Is that Sarah’s voice from my room? Great, she must have let herself in through the back. I wonder how much she heard?

  “Coming.” I cradle my bleeding hand against my chest. Fixing a wall is one thing—fixing a wall and cleaning blood out of beige carpet—is definitely something I don’t want to deal with right now. So while part of me feels really good about destroying something, part of me feels like an idiot for hurting my hand by punching a hole in the wall of our house.

  “What happened to you?” Sarah’s eyes are wide as I walk past her into my bathroom.

  Guess she didn’t hear anything. I let myself breathe. “I punched a wall.” I turn on the faucet resting my hand under the cool water.

  “Let me repeat my first question. What happened?” Her voice is full of concern.

  I open my mouth to talk, but nothing comes out. I don’t want to cry in front of Sarah. I stare at my hand under the cold water, blood swirling down the drain. I need to just concentrate on my breathing for a minute. In, out, slowly in, more slowly out…

  “Jameson?” Her hand touches my shoulder.

  I close my eyes and will the words to come and for everything to go away. Why couldn’t the situation be completely different? “My dad walked out.” There, I said it out loud, and now it’s real. Just like that.

  “What?” Her voice is soft and full of shock.

  “He had an affair and just gave me some bullshit line about being in love with two women and…” I can’t finish. It doesn’t matter. I hit the faucet to turn off the sink.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Thanks.” There’s no point in saying it’s all right because no part of this is all right.

  I wrap a towel around my knuckles to dry them off before checking out the damage.

  “Can I see?” Sarah asks, while sitting on my bed.

  I sit facing her. Having her here feels good…familiar. But the fact that she’s touching my hand while sitting on my bed, gives me those nervous tingles I get whenever she touches me. While another part of me thinks she shouldn’t even be here because of how I feel about Sky. Oh, shit…I’m an asshole just like my dad. If both girls stood in front of me right now, which one would I choose? Thankfully, it doesn’t matter because Sarah’s made her choice. But still, it sinks me even lower. Is this normal? Is this a normal part of growing up? Getting older? Being an adult? If it is, it really sucks.

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of my hand in a few minutes.” I lean back to show how relaxed I am—even though I’m not. As the adrenaline leaves my system, I start to feel weak. “How’ve you been?”

  Her eyes are wide again. She looks incredulous. “Um…I can’t believe we’re trying to talk about anything but what’s going on here.”

  “It’s because I want to talk about anything…but what’s going on here.” Anything…but what’s happening…in my house and in my head.

  “Okay.” She does this little sigh that puffs out her nose, just like she’s always done.

  I smile. Maybe it will encourage her to talk about something else.

  “I’m good. I mean…it’s fun to have a boyfriend, you know? But I miss hanging out with you.”

  Of course, she’d talk about Eric. Why wouldn’t she? As if things in my life aren’t confusing enough already.

  “Me, too,” I say. And I do miss hanging out with her. She has this bright energy that surrounds her that she radiates outward. There’s something sweet and innocent about her that I love.

  “How did your date go on Friday?” she asks.

  I lean back against my headboard with a sigh. Could it have gone any better? Probably not, but I don’t know how to tell Sarah about Sky.

  “Well, I think that answers my question.” She laughs. “Is it weird that I’m a little jealous?”

  Sarah—being honest about her feelings? I sit up taller. “Well, so am I.”

  “Really?” she asks, leaning toward me on the bed.

  I nod.

  “Good. It must be normal then. I mean, I guess we’ve spent so much time together that it feels weird to spend it with other people, or even wanting to spend it with other people.” She leans away a little, relaxing her shoulders.

  “Yeah.” And even though Sarah’s right here…and I have the perfect opportunity to say something to her…I still miss Sky. It’s sort of a revelation for me.

  “Well, Eric and his parents are going golfing and they’ve invited me to go.” She shifts like she’s about to stand up.

  “Did you warn them that you might kill them by accident?” I tease.

  She laughs. “Come on, you only went with me once.”

  “And you almost killed me.” Right now, I can’t believe I’m comfortable talking with Sarah—this is good. We can still be friends and tease each other.

  “My club slipped!” she exclaims.

  “Maybe…” I raise an eyebrow.

  “Well, call me if you need anything, Jamesy.” She wrinkles her tiny little nose, stands up, and walks out the back door.

  Now what? The old Sarah would have stuck around.

  I unwrap the towel. My hand’s not too bad. A lot of small scratches, but they’ll heal pretty fast. I pull out my phone and text Sky.

  MISS YOU. LOTS TO TELL. BAD WEEKEND.

  In seconds, I get a text back.

  HATE BEING HERE. BAD WEEKEND TOO. WE’LL TALK WHEN I RETURN. CAN’T TALK NOW.

  Does that mean she doesn’t want to talk now? Or that she really can’t? I wonder what she does when she goes home? Why was her weekend so bad? I’ve never seen Sky in a bad mood.

  My finger hovers over the call button, but I can’t do it.

  TEN

  Something’s vibrating against my head.

  My phone. I fumble around knocking it off the nightstand. It’s three o’clock in the morning. What the…?

  NIGHT SKY.

  I don’t know what prompted me to enter her in my phone like that. It’s just how I see her. A combination of her dark skin, dark hair, fluid movements, and something I can’t put my finger on.

  “Hey,” I answer.

  “I wanted to talk.” Her voice is quiet. “I’m at my dad’s in Ketchikan so I thought I’d call when I could.”

  “Good.” I’m trying to push away my grogginess so we can have a real conversation.

  “Were you up?”

  “No, but I’m still glad you called.” Maybe I should have lied to her, and said I was awake.

  “Sorry, but I wanted to hear about your weekend.” I love her voice, so soft and smooth.

  “You, first.” I want to know what happened out there…so far away.

  “The forest here has eyes and ears. We’ll talk when I get back.” Her words and the tone of her voice send a chill through
me, but I shake it off.

  “So, you called me in the middle of the night to see why my weekend sucked?” I’m smiling now. She called me, in the middle of the night. That seems more personal somehow; like we’re past the point where we’re worried about being rude and waking the other. I like it…a lot.

  “Yeah, I can’t talk about mine and…” Her voice trails off into silence.

  “And…?” I rub my hand over my head and wait.

  “I wanted to hear your voice.”

  And because she just put herself out there for me, I return the favor. “You have no idea how awesome that is.”

  “It’s the truth.”

  “So, you really don’t want to go first?” I ask. It seems like she should—ladies first and all that.

  “I can’t.” I’m trying to imagine what the expression on her face is like. Maybe she’s frowning just slightly, the outsides of her mouth turning down just enough for me to notice.

  “How do you get to where you grew up?” That seems harmless enough.

  “Are you kidding?”

  “No, that’s something you can share, right?” I want to feel like I’m being the nice guy, doing the right thing.

  “You get on a plane in Las Vegas.” Her voice is teasing in the tone I’m starting to love from her.

  “I know that part.” I laugh.

  “So you take a flight from Seattle to Ketchikan. From Ketchikan—where my dad lives and where I am now—you take the South Tongass Highway all the way to the end.”

  “Highway…got it.” I’m picturing her, while at the same time picturing what she’s describing. Mostly, it feels good to just talk.

  She laughs. “Erase whatever picture you have in your head of a highway. It’s two lanes, windy, and barely paved.”

  “Okay.” I don’t know if I can come up with a good enough picture.

  “Huge trees on one side, and the ocean on the other.”

  “Got it…huge trees and ocean.” My picture is solidifying. I know I’ve seen pictures of this part of the world. The trees are tall and foreboding. The water is cold and grey.

  She laughs again. “So there’s a cannery and a lodge at the end.”

  “And that’s where you live?” Ketchikan doesn’t sound much like civilization, not what I’m used to anyway, and she’s talking way beyond that. I’ve never lived anywhere but Vegas.

  “No, you’re not there yet.” Her voice already sounds lighter. I did the right thing getting her to talk first. “You take a boat across the inlet to a spot called Gem Cove and my village is there.”

  “Wow. So, coming to Las Vegas was like a trip and a half for you, huh?” She’s describing something I can’t even imagine.

  “I visited once…before I moved to Vegas…I mean.”

  “You’re so far away.” When I exhale, it feels like my lungs won’t be able to pull in another breath.

  “Nope, I’m in Ketchikan right now. Much, much closer.” She chuckles, but she’s trying to be quiet, so it comes out as a half whisper.

  “Okay.” She got me to smile. I feel better than I ever thought I could without touching her.

  “I shared. Now, it’s your turn.”

  “I’ll ruin it.” My chest feels heavy again.

  “Ruin what?”

  “We both feel good now, I don’t want that feeling to go away.”

  “You need to talk, Jay. I want to hear, and I want to return the favor.” Her voice is like silk—still, soft and quiet.

  “My dad had an affair and walked out.” It’s out. It’s real. Sarah knows. Sky knows. Mom knows. I know. Of course, his girlfriend knows. My dad left me. He left my mom and he left me.

  “Oh Jay, I’m so sorry.”

  “It feels like I’m old enough that something like this shouldn’t bother me, you know?” Am I a wimp for letting it affect me so much?

  “I don’t think it matters how old you are, and you still live at home. It’s a lot. I’m sorry I’m not there to help.”

  “I put my fist through the wall, and I feel pretty stupid about it. Sarah was surprised.” I think back to holding my hand under the water and wrapping it in the towel.

  “Sarah was there?”

  “She stopped by for a few minutes.” Is that weird? Sky knows the deal with Sarah. Does that make it better or worse?

  “How are things between the two of you?”

  “When I’m around her, I miss your honesty. I guess I never realized how much Sarah and I don’t say to each other.” I wonder if I’m making any sense, and if my explanation will help Sky feel okay about my friendship with Sarah.

  “I’m coming home early.” Her tone is impossible for me to read. I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

  I’m thrilled, but I’m not sure how to respond. I wish I could see her face. “Where are you right now?”

  “I’m sitting on my favorite rock at the edge of the woods overlooking the ocean.” She breathes out a sigh. “Dad’s house is on the outskirts. It’s quiet here.”

  “It sounds awesome.” I picture her sitting on a large boulder, the thick forest behind her. The ocean is in front of her and her long, black hair is flowing in the wind. “You look beautiful.”

  “You can’t even see me.” She laughs.

  “I can when I close my eyes.” Am I a total dork for saying that out loud?

  “Go back to sleep, Jay.” I made her smile. I can hear it in her voice.

  “Night, Sky.” I wish you were here, with my arms around you.

  “Night, Jay.” I can still hear the hint of a smile in her voice. I’m thrilled I was able to make her feel better, even if it was just for a little while. It makes me feel like I have some control…over something.

  ELEVEN

  I pull my backpack out of the car and walk across the school parking lot.

  Why can’t my spring break coincide with Sky’s? We’ve only had one date. But she’s amazing. Maybe it’s just the kissing that I’m missing…and not her. No, it’s more than just wanting someone. It has to be, right?

  I can see Sky in my head pointing at me, saying, “Truth, Jay.” But if I don’t know what the truth is—how can I answer her?

  “Jamesy, you look terrible.” Sarah frowns as I walk into our Monday morning student government meeting. “How are things?”

  “Shitty.”

  “I’m sorry.” She puts her arms around me for a Sarah hug.

  “Thanks.” I pull her into me before letting her go. I don’t want to think about how she makes me feel when I hold her that close. She isn’t mine to hold. Now I’m back to the dilemma of maybe feeling too much for two girls…I’m about to my breaking point.

  “It’s your meeting today, Jay,” Matt reminds me.

  “Oh, right.” I stand up and sit on a desk at the front of the room. I look up and see Eric standing at the door, staring at me with a look that can only be described as hatred. Great, now I’m not allowed to hug my best friend…perfect.

  Sarah waves at Eric smiling and he jerks his head for her to follow him. She jumps out of her chair and runs out of the classroom. I consider following, but I don’t think it would help the situation. He does not look happy. I’ll have to talk to Sarah later.

  “Okay, I call this meeting to order. Let’s get our old business out of the way so we can move forward with our agenda. All in favor?”

  ***

  “What happened to you this morning?” I ask, as I sit next to Sarah in third period English.

  “I think Eric’s just uncomfortable with our friendship, that’s all.” Her eyes don’t meet mine. She gives me only a passing glance, before fixing her eyes on the desk.

  “He knows me, he knows you. He knew we were friends. This shouldn’t even be an issue.” But I can tell—just as we’re starting to get something back of our old friendship—it’s going to disappear again in the wake of our new relationships.

  “Sorry, Jameson.” She shrugs.

  And with that simple gesture, she once ag
ain dismisses me for Eric.

  “Call me if you want to talk,” she whispers, without looking at me.

  Sure, whatever.

  I wander home more miserable than ever. I skip swimming practice, but when I get home, it’s all I can think about. I change into my shorts and walk out to the pool. I dive in, sink to the bottom, and wish I had a snorkel long enough that I could just sit here for a while. I float up, take a breath and force myself back down. I’m starting to relax into my groove of sitting on the floor of the pool. My eyes aren’t burning from the chlorine anymore. It feels like I could do this indefinitely. Just sit here in the calm blue.

  “Jameson!” Mom’s voice is panicked.

  I rocket to the surface. “What’s the matter?” The words sputter out.

  She lets out a long sigh. “You scare the crap out of me when you do that.”

  “Well, you scare the crap out of me when you scream my name.” I slide onto the edge of the pool, and rub my eyes. They’re used to the chlorine, but now the outside air is killing me.

  She’s in her work clothes, but sits next to me, not afraid of getting wet. “Are you okay?”

  “Yes…no…I don’t know, Mom.” I can’t look at her. Mom sees too deep.

  “You have a lot going on right now,” she comments.

  “No shit.” I rub my hand over my head.

  “Watch your mouth.” Her voice is stern.

  “Sorry.”

  “No, Jameson. I’m sorry. I feel like I should have done more or that…” Her voice is so apologetic. It just makes me angrier.

  “Don’t Mom, please. I’m pissed at him, not at you.” It seems pretty clear that it’s Dad’s fault.

  “I saw the hole in the wall.”

  “Yeah, don’t worry—I’ll fix it.” We’re sitting close, staring at our laps.

  “Destruction? Aggression? It’s not who you are, Jameson.” Now her voice is full of concern.

  “I know. I’ll fix it. Can we please drop the subject?” With Mom here, I feel pretty stupid about putting my fist through the wall, but there was also something pretty satisfying about the destruction I caused.

  “I love you, son.” Her hand reaches out to touch the back of my head.