Second Time Around

by Colette Caddle

  Suzie nodded, looking at each of them in turn. ‘I told you, my memory seems to be returning but I’m not sure that I can trust it. I’d like to run some things past you and see what’s true and what’s imagined. And, if you know something that I don’t, please tell me. I need to know that my memories are as real as I believe them to be.

  ‘Also, I’ve known you both a long time and regard you as my closest friends, but I’ve kept something from you because, well, I had to.’ She pulled a face. ‘At least, I think I’ve kept it to myself, but you may tell me different.’

  ‘This sounds serious.’ Aileen sat forward in her chair, looking concerned.

  ‘It’s not bad news and nothing to do with my health, or anything like that,’ Suzie reassured her.

  ‘Thank goodness for that,’ Nora said, reaching for her glass. ‘Go on, then.’

  The two women listened intently, while Suzie told them about Jess, about John and his affairs, about Noel’s decision to go into farming with his uncle, about Douglas Thornton’s true identity and then there was the small matter of her sister.

  ‘I was stunned that Jess knew what John was up to but, I suppose, she was a smart teenager and protective of me,’ she said, finally. ‘The other two don’t know anything at all about their dad’s affairs and that’s the way I’d like to keep it. Their memories of their dad are untainted and, as that’s all they have left, I don’t want to take it away from them.’

  ‘It won’t go any further,’ Nora promised, and looked at Aileen, who immediately nodded.

  ‘Everything you’ve told us is in confidence, Suzie. I won’t tell a soul.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Suzie shrugged and gave them a nervous smile. ‘I think that’s everything.’

  ‘That’s quite a lot to take in,’ Nora said. ‘Firstly, how’s Jess?’

  ‘Fine. It turns out that Doug was right and she had noticed John treated her differently. Now she finally understands why and that she wasn’t to blame.’

  Nora frowned. ‘Well, of course she wasn’t, the poor child.’

  Suzie said nothing. She wasn’t going to start criticising her husband. The facts spoke for themselves. ‘You honestly never looked at her colouring and wondered?’ Suzie smiled.

  ‘Never gave it a thought,’ Aileen said with a shrug.

  ‘Me neither,’ Nora said. ‘The other two are the image of John, and Jess is like you. And your memory is correct. You never even hinted at this before,’ she reassured Suzie. ‘You did exactly as John asked, even after his death. Not that he deserved such loyalty.’

  ‘Doug kept at me to tell Jess. He said she had a right to know. But I was so sure that she hadn’t suspected anything, I didn’t see the point.’

  Nora nodded. ‘You told me that you were sure he was cheating on you and I wanted you to confront him and threaten to leave and take the children away, but you wouldn’t hear of it.’

  ‘I wouldn’t have gone through with it. and it didn’t seem fair to expose the kids to his behaviour. And’– Suzie sighed – ‘I suppose part of me still felt grateful to him for giving me and Jess his name and a home.’

  ‘Fuck that!’ Aileen said, looking outraged. ‘You gave up everything to follow him to the middle of nowhere, gave him two wonderful children, and you were a good and faithful wife.’

  Nora was nodding her agreement. ‘You were a great wife, Suzie. It didn’t matter how much he was out wining and dining in the name of work, you put up with it all without complaint and reared three kids almost single-handed.’

  ‘Did I tell you about Mandy coming on to him?’ Suzie asked Nora.

  Nora shook her head. ‘No but, to be honest, it doesn’t surprise me. She’d flirt with any man with a pulse and certainly wouldn’t let the small fact that he was your husband get in the way. You were crazy to let her come and stay.’

  ‘You never liked her.’ Suzie said with a wry smile.

  ‘No, I didn’t. I always felt she used you, and, no matter what you did for her, she never appreciated or even acknowledged it. When she moved in with you that time, I just didn’t trust her. I always got the feeling she was envious of you.’

  ‘Hardly. The last thing Mandy wanted was a family or a boring life in the country.’

  ‘No, but I think she craved security. When you moved back to Dublin I expected you to see a lot more of each other, but it was quite the reverse. Now I know why.’

  ‘I still don’t know if Jess knows about her. She walked in on John and I rowing one night but I don’t remember what it was about or what she overheard. But she’s certainly not close to her aunt.’

  ‘She might know. Jess was old enough to realise what Mandy was really like. Your sister isn’t exactly a nice person. And, if there was no love lost before, it got worse after your accident. The kids blame her. Apparently she practically bullied you into going along that night.’

  Aileen nodded. ‘That’s right. You were sick with some virus and on antibiotics, but Mandy had been given two tickets to the opening of the hotel’s new leisure centre and begged you to go along. The bubbly was flowing and you know, Suzie, it always goes straight to your head.’

  Suzie didn’t remember any of that but, then, the time immediately preceding the accident was all still a blank.

  ‘The kids were stunned when you and Mandy became so pally after you came out of the coma,’ Nora said. ‘I know that I was flabbergasted. I knew you couldn’t possibly remember how she’d behaved and it made me mad as hell. It was like she was laughing at you. And then those clothes she persuaded you to buy . . .’ Nora practically growled, her eyes dark with fury.

  ‘I didn’t know any of the history between you,’ Aileen said, nodding, ‘but I never liked or trusted your sister, to be honest. When did you remember what she’d done?’

  ‘It just came back to me when Jess walked in on me and Doug the other night, wanting to know if he was her dad.’ Suzie couldn’t help smiling. ‘I thought he was going to have another heart attack.’

  She sobered again as she thought of the flashbacks she’d had since then. ‘It’s odd. I’ve been so angry with Mandy, as if it had all just happened. And, the more I thought about it, the angrier I got at the way she’s pushed her way back into my life.’

  ‘She’s a bad sort,’ Aileen said darkly.

  ‘I agree, although . . .’ Nora hesitated.

  ‘Go on.’ Suzie saw the mixed emotions cross her friend’s face. ‘Please?’

  ‘I was just remembering John’s funeral. Don’t be angry with me,’ Nora begged.

  ‘Of course not.’ Suzie searched her face and gave her a small smile of reassurance. ‘Tell me.’

  ‘Mandy was distraught that day, and not in an attention-seeking way. I think it may have been the only time I saw her without makeup, and her face was a mess from crying.’

  ‘Crocodile tears,’ Aileen scoffed. ‘Probably mourning the fact that there was one less married man in the world for her to try it on with!’

  Startled by her neighbour’s vehemence, Suzie burst out laughing. Her two friends stared at her in shocked surprise, which only made Suzie laugh harder.

  ‘What’s funny?’ Nora asked, starting to chuckle herself.

  Aileen’s lips twitched. ‘That injury knocked all the feckin’ sense out of your head, woman!’ she said, and then she was laughing too.

  Nora shook her head, wiping tears from her eyes. ‘I’ve no idea why we’re laughing. This isn’t remotely funny.’

  Suzie finally managed to pull herself together. ‘I know but, I suppose, if we don’t laugh we cry.’

  Nora nodded. ‘Don’t waste tears on John or Mandy, for that matter. It’s all in the past. You’ve seemed so happy these last few months and now you’ve a new grandchild on the way too.’

  ‘Yes, onwards and upwards,’ Aileen agreed, ‘but get that poisonous bitch out of your life.’

  ‘And make your peace with Noel,’ Nora added. ‘He’s heartbroken.’

  ‘Yeah. Why are you so angry with him a
nyway?’ Aileen looked at her in confusion.

  ‘He never sat his exams and now, completely out of the blue, he’s decided he wants to be a farmer.’ Suzie tossed her head in disgust. ‘And not somewhere local but on his uncle’s farm in Limerick. Feckin’ Maurice. I could murder him. I thought I was finished with that bloody family and place.’

  ‘Why do you hate it so much?’ Aileen asked.

  Suzie stared at her. ‘You have to ask? That’s where my husband cheated on me and that’s where he died. But not straightaway.’ Tears threatened again as Suzie remembered her shock when she saw John in the hospital that day.

  ‘His injuries were horrific and yet he was conscious. He kept saying how sorry he was, over and over.’ She shook her head. ‘He was nine hours in surgery but died on the operating table. I wanted to die too at that moment. For all his faults, John was my rock. But I had to go home and tell the children their daddy was dead. I think that’s reason enough to hate Limerick.’

  They were silent for a moment and then Nora handed her a tissue. ‘You asked us to fill in the gaps?’

  Suzie wiped her eyes and nodded.

  ‘I remember John’s accident too, Suzie. But I remember it very differently. The children were at school when I got word what had happened. I picked them up from school, and took them back to my house. I’d rented a video, Robots, I think it was. We bought ice cream and popcorn and stuffed our faces and laughed until we cried. We had a lovely time. Ask Noel. Even now, he’ll tell you he remembers that day. But not because of what was happening at the hospital.

  ‘It was a dreadful day for you, but not for him. Sure, he cried when he found out his daddy was dead, but he didn’t know the details. He didn’t see John in hospital. He doesn’t have the ghastly images in his head that you do. What he remembers are the happy times in Limerick, looking after the chickens, helping feed new lambs and sitting up on the tractor between his dad and uncle, as proud as punch.’

  Suzie smiled reluctantly. ‘I have a photo of that. It was probably the first time John had sat on a moving tractor in ten years. He was more used to the new shiny ones at the Ploughing Championships. If Noel really is into farming, it’s not because of his dad. John was never interested in running the farm. He preferred the business side and wearing a smart suit, not getting up at six and mucking out. The only time he came close to getting his hands dirty was when he shook a farmer’s hand,’ Suzie chuckled good-naturedly. John had never been cut out for the farming life and thanked God every day that he had a brother who was.

  ‘Noel got his love of the land from Maurice,’ Nora said. ‘Remember how much time he spent over there?’

  Suzie looked at her in surprise and shook her head. ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. You would be yelling at him to do his homework and as soon as it was done he’d be out the door, on his bike and off down the lane to help Maurice. We never saw him during the summer months. He’d be over there from the crack of dawn.’

  ‘I don’t remember any of that.’ Suzie said, but, now that Nora mentioned it, she recalled a scruffy little boy with freckles who was always smiling.

  Suzie sighed as guilt set in for the way she’d treated Noel these last few weeks. And she’d slapped him! She closed her eyes to stem the tears that threatened again.

  ‘He was very withdrawn when he first came to Dublin,’ Aileen chipped in.

  ‘Thanks for that, Aileen,’ she muttered and heard Nora sigh at her neighbour’s tactlessness.

  ‘Until Cal took him under his wing, of course,’ she hurried on. ‘Then he was grand.’

  Suzie smiled. That she knew was true. ‘Anything else I need to know?’ she asked.

  The other two women looked at each other and shook their heads.

  ‘Have you talked to Mandy?’ Nora asked.

  ‘Have you told her you remember her making a pass at your husband?’ Aileen added.

  Suzie shook her head, dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Thank goodness she’d had the foresight not to wear mascara. ‘No, I’ve been avoiding her. I wanted to wait until I remembered everything before I talked to her. Doug’s hosting a CML reunion at the weekend and she’ll probably be at that.’

  ‘Why would he have invited her?’ Aileen asked, frowning.

  ‘Devilment! He wants her to know that we’ve been making a fool of her, pretending to be dating. He’s really annoyed at the way she tried to come between us. I think he may be planning a confrontation of his own.’

  ‘Good for him,’ Nora said. ‘He’s a sweetheart. I’m a little sad that you’re just good friends.’

  ‘I thought he was too old for me,’ Suzie retorted.

  ‘Technically, yes.’ Nora smiled. ‘But he doesn’t look his age and you’ve been having such a good time with him.’

  Suzie smiled. ‘I have.’

  ‘Are you okay, Suzie?’ Aileen asked. ‘This has been a very stressful few weeks.’

  ‘It has but, thanks to the meditation classes and Percy, I’m coping. I still get angry and upset, but then I remind myself that this is all history now and, as I said, I dealt with it a long time ago. I wish I knew for sure if I ever confronted Mandy, though. I can’t believe she had the nerve to come back into my life the way she has. She seems to have no conscience.’

  ‘None,’ Nora agreed.

  ‘And I still hate the idea of losing Noel. I’ll miss him so much; Bobby will too.’

  ‘He’ll visit,’ Aileen said, patting her hand.

  ‘Farmers don’t get much free time,’ Suzie assured her.

  ‘You can come and stay with me,’ Nora offered, ‘and he can visit you there. No need to go near the farm or see Maurice.’

  ‘Thanks, Nora.’ Suzie smiled at her dear friend. ‘I’ll think about it.’

  When they got home, Nora ran up to the loo and Suzie went into the kitchen to make them some tea and check on Percy.

  ‘I’ve taken him out and settled him,’ Noel said from the chair in the corner.

  Suzie started. ‘Thanks. Why are you sitting here in the dark?’ She switched on the lamp and looked at him.

  ‘I was waiting for you. I can’t sleep until I know you’re home safe. Role reversal, eh?’

  ‘You won’t know whether I’m home or not when you’re back in Limerick,’ Suzie retorted, before she could stop herself.

  ‘If you don’t want me to go, I won’t,’ he said, sounding weary and resigned.

  Suzie settled on the arm of his chair and sighed too. ‘I want you to go. No, that’s not true, I don’t, but I understand you need to, and I want you to be happy. So go.’

  Noel looked startled. ‘Why the change of heart?’

  ‘Thank Nora. She reminded me of how much you loved helping your uncle Maurice when you were a kid. I’d forgotten all that.’

  ‘I did try to tell you—’

  ‘I know,’ she snapped. ‘Sheesh! I’ve said I’m okay with it. Do you want blood?’

  ‘Just a little more grovelling.’ Noel grinned and enveloped her in a hug. ‘Thanks, Mum. You don’t know how much this means to me. I promise I won’t desert you until after Sharon’s baby’s born.’

  ‘I’d really appreciate that.’

  He kissed the top of her head and stood up. ‘Goodnight, Mum.’

  ‘Night, love.’

  She was still sitting there when Nora came in, smiling, and applauded her silently. ‘Well done.’

  Suzie nodded, sniffing back her tears. ‘Make me a cuppa, Nora, would you?’

  Chapter Forty-One

  The following evening, Suzie was sitting in the same small bistro, this time waiting for Jess. There was a child chuckling at a table nearby and Suzie smiled, thinking of her grandson. Bobby was easier to deal with now that they understood him better, and watching him make progress made her problems seem inconsequential. She felt hopeful. Sharon’s pregnancy was going well, and she herself had survived a traumatic brain injury. She knew that she wasn’t out of the woods yet, that she would still lose her temper from time to time
and there were probably more memories waiting to shake her confidence; but she felt calmer and reminded herself every day of how lucky she was.

  She also knew that, second time around, she would not be taken for a fool, and she certainly wouldn’t waste time on people who were two-faced, unkind or had a hidden agenda.

  Suzie had given up completely on the support group, feeling she didn’t belong there. She just couldn’t bring herself to open up to a group of strangers. The meditation, however, was wonderful and she put it to good use whenever she started to get anxious or annoyed. She was beginning to feel in control again and, now that she’d found most of the pieces of the puzzle that was her past, Suzie felt she’d be able to put it behind her and move on. She tried not to think about Noel and his impending defection to Limerick. That might take a little longer to adjust to.

  Suzie’s frown disappeared when she saw her daughter in the doorway. Dressed in a pretty blue summer dress that skimmed her slim figure, ending just below the knee, her hair loose around her shoulders, Jess looked beautiful. She was scanning the room looking for her, and Suzie waved to attract her attention. Jess made her way over, weaving in and out of the other tables and turning a few heads as she did so. Suzie could see Jess was apprehensive and, standing up, she held out her arms and smiled. ‘Hello, love. You look wonderful.’

  ‘Thanks. Am I forgiven?’ Jess asked, looking relieved.

  ‘Of course. We’ve been through all of that,’ Suzie assured her, squeezed her hand. ‘I know you probably have lots of questions, so shall we just order some wine and then we can order food later?’

  ‘Sure.’ Jess looked relieved.

  After they’d been served, Suzie took the initiative and got straight to the point. ‘I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I can’t tell you more about your dad. What can I say? I had just finished all my computer courses – top of the class – and Chrissie, my tutor, said that I had a very bright future. So I went out and celebrated. One of the girls suggested cocktails and we all agreed. I hadn’t really drank before that night. We were too skint at home and every spare bit of cash went into helping my mother meet the bills and put food on the table. The cocktails tasted like lemonade to me and I was so happy, I threw them back and danced all night long.’