Julien's Book

by Casey McMillin

  "I'll be right back," she said. She was smiling and hoped it was convincing, but feared it probably wasn't. She didn't have to pee at all. She just went to the restroom, locked the door behind her and stared into the mirror for five minutes. That book was a fictional nightmare, and she wouldn't feel like she could breathe again until she escaped its shadow. The only problem was that there was a very real guy out there waiting for her. A guy she was going to miss terribly. She'd already gotten attached to the idea of being with Julien, and her heart ached at the thought of losing him. There was just no other way. She made herself leave the restroom even though she wasn't quite ready to head back to her seat.

  "You good?" Julien asked as he stood up to let her slide past him into the row.

  "I just had to pee really bad," she lied.

  They settled into their seats again.

  "I can't believe how long I slept," Julien said.

  Nadine shrugged casually, "Sleep is good to help you waste the time," she said. She faked a yawn. "I was actually going to take a little nap myself."

  Julien looked at her again. "You sure you're okay? I'm sure the book was a bit much to take in and I just wanted you to know you could talk to me about it."

  No matter how hard she tried, and really, she did try, she could not hold the tears back. The freaking things fell from her eyes as if a dam had burst. It was humiliating, and she collapsed into his arms to avoid anyone else seeing her in that state.

  "I know, I know," he said, rubbing the back of her head as the tears fell from her eyes. "I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't keep it from you any longer. I didn't want to keep it from you at all, but by the time I found out there was a Pierre, I knew telling you would make you live in fear. I'm sorry. I thought I told you enough last night so that it wouldn't be a total shocker."

  "I thought you were joking last night, and calling it a total shocker is the understatement of the year, Julien." She was trying to regulate her breathing, so she whispered slowly. She didn't know what to say. She hadn't meant to talk to Julien about it before she started crying, but once the waterworks started, she had no choice. "It's so messed up," she whispered in between tiny hiccups of air.

  "I know, but everything's okay now. Don't you see?" His voice as soft and comforting, and the sound of it broke her heart.

  She nodded her agreement to everything being okay even though she knew in her heart that things were far from freaking okay. Her body cooperated with her emotions and went into shutdown mode. She passed out in his arms and slept for the next three hours. By the time she woke up, they were within two hours of Atlanta.

  The book was the first thing she thought of when she regained consciousness, but she felt better about the whole situation in general. She was happy with her decision, and knew it was the only choice she'd be able to live with. Before she fell asleep, she'd put the letter into Julien's bag. She intentionally put it into a pocket on the very front, one she'd never seen him get into. She wanted him to find the letter when he got home, and she hadn't really thought about the fact that he might go rummaging in his things while he was still on the plane. He might have read it when she was sleeping. Oh, shit, what if he read it while she was sleeping? She looked at him cheerfully, gauging his mood.

  "That nap did you some good," Julien said.

  Nadine reminded herself to tone down the enthusiasm. "Yeah, I needed that," she said, stretching.

  "We're almost home."

  "Really?" Nadine suddenly got nervous about executing her plan.

  "Less than two hours I think."

  "I'll have to run to my gate, so I guess we'll have to just split up right when we get off," Nadine said.

  "I can walk with you," Julien said. "I'm sure we'll be leaving from the same terminal, and even if we're not, I'll have two hours after you leave to find mine."

  "Sounds perfect," she said.

  Nadine went through the motions of talking to Julien, and spent the remainder of the flight in a surreal haze that felt a little like she was outside of her body, watching herself interact rather than participating. She was dumbfounded every time a scene from the book flashed through her mind, which was pretty much constantly. She was using every last ounce of acting skill she had to make it through the flight, and she hoped against hope she would be able to continue to seem unaffected. Every once in a while, Julien would stop and study her face for a second, as if he wanted to ask if she was okay, but each time, she changed the subject. She was exhausted from the charade by the time they made it to Atlanta.

  Julien walked her to her gate, and sat with her until they called the first set of passengers to board. Nadine gave Julien a kiss on the cheek and went to stand in line to board even though she was supposed to be in the third group.

  "I'll text you later to let you know when I make it home," he said.

  "Good," she said. "I was going to tell you to do that."

  Julien put a chaste kiss on her mouth. "See you at home."

  "Okay," she said, smiling.

  Julien walked away, headed for a different terminal and Nadine waited until he was a good bit ahead of her before she got out of the line. She put the boarding ticket she'd been holding in her back pocket and strapped her messenger bag over her shoulder. She kept Julien in sight until he veered off down a hallway to the right. She blinked away a tear at the sight of him walking away as she started walking.

  Nadine made her way to a set of escalators. The sign that pointed down said, "Ticketing/Departure," and she stepped onto the moving stairs. She stared blankly at the far wall as she rode down. Her eyes burned with the pain of unshed tears, and she wondered when she'd ever be okay. She walked a bit stiffly to the ticket counter, and stood there in line with nothing but her messenger bag strapped to her shoulder.

  "Next. Ma'am."

  Nadine snapped to attention when she realized the lady was talking to her. She hastily walked to the ticket clerk.

  "I need to get on the first flight to Paris."

  Chapter 23

  Julien's flight was delayed, so he ended up getting home three hours later than Nadine. He gave her a text from the baggage claim, letting her know he'd landed safe and sound. He retrieved his bag from the carousel, got in his Jeep, and went straight to his sister's house to get Max. His trusty companion was so happy to see him that he jumped on Julien non-stop, which was rare for Max since he wasn't usually much of a jumper. Julien smiled and got down on one knee. Max wiggled on his back excitedly as Julien rubbed his belly.

  Julien had been in touch with Tim via email thanking him for his intervention and letting him know everything had worked out, but he hadn't filled his sister in on what had happened. He planned on sharing as little as possible, really. When it came down to it, he was ready to forget the book. Nadine was fine, the asshole was dead, and Julien was more than ready to get back to something that resembled a normal existence. He wanted normal with Nadine, and was so glad the book was finally over so they could start fresh.

  "Everything's good with Nadine," he said.

  "What happened?" his sister asked. "You were being so sketchy when you left."

  "Her ex-boyfriend tried to kill her," he said.

  Julien's sister hadn't read the book, so the extreme nature of the statement took her off guard. She wore a stunned expression.

  "Are you serious?"

  "Yes."

  "What happened?"

  "I killed him."

  His sister gasped and held a hand over her mouth. She begged him with her eyes to tell her he was joking.

  "That's what I went there to do," Julien said plainly. "It was him or Nadine, and I sure as hell wasn't gonna let it be Nadine."

  "Julien, are you high right now? Do you realize your standing in my kitchen telling me you just killed a guy like double-o-seven or something?"

  "It wasn't at all like James Bond," Julien said, "but at least I hit the target, and no one else got hurt in the process."

  "Stop kiddin' around, Julien. Did y
ou seriously kill a guy?"

  "Yes."

  "You're not in trouble with the cops or anything?"

  "One of the cops over there was a Jiu Jitsu player, and already on my side. But he just helped make the process easier. They found the dude's suicide letter stating his intentions. It all worked out."

  Julien thought about the fact that there hadn't been a suicide letter in the book, and said a silent thank you that the real life Pierre had added that little detail.

  "I can't even believe you're standing in my kitchen talking to me like this," she said. Her eyebrows were drawn together as she glared at him in disbelief.

  "You already said that," Julien said.

  Max continued to paw at Julien every time his hand would stop moving.

  "I can't believe you're being so calm. You think you're in denial or something?"

  "I'm not in denial. He was trying to kill her and I stopped him. I'd do it again."

  "You're not a navy seal, Julien. I'm not used to you coming home from secret missions."

  Julien laughed as he stood. "I shouldn't have told you, I guess. I've seen it coming so I had time to prepare. You know, think about it."

  "What do you mean, you had time?"

  "It's about that book. The romance novel."

  Julien had a good relationship with Nikki but he'd always been a private person and hadn't really kept her up-to-date on everything that had been happening with Nadine and the book. "I'll tell you the whole story sometime, but I had good reason to believe the guy was gonna try to kill her."

  "I'm not really seeing how the book ties in."

  "Oh, it ties in," Julien said. "I'll tell you about it sometime, or better yet, you can just read it yourself."

  "I know. I've been meaning to, I've just been so busy with Brandon working offshore and the boys and everythi—"

  Julien put a hand out to stop her.

  "No worries. I really don't care if you read it or not. I'll give you the summary sometime, but for now, I'm ready to go home."

  "Brandon used your boat to go fishin' while you were gone," she said.

  "No problem. Tell him he can use it whenever."

  "I am not telling him that," she said laughing. "He's already gone too much. The last thing I need is for him to take up fishing witchew."

  "I'll tell him he's never allowed back then."

  "Aw, don't do that. Just tell him he best not be making too much of a habit of it."

  Julien lifted his hands in surrender like he didn't want anything to do with that. "I'm not telling him anything. As far as I'm concerned, he's welcome to the boat."

  "Thanks," Brandon said, entering the room. He was holding a bowl of cereal and managing to talk, walk, and eat all at once.

  "We just ate dinner," Nikki said.

  "So? I was hungry."

  "You're gonna regret that when those thirty-twos start fittin' tight." Brandon's eyes got huge, and he looked at Julien as if to ask permission to strangle his sister.

  "I'm out of here," Julien said.

  "I don't blame you," Brandon said.

  Julien just laughed at his brother in law. He and Nikki had a good relationship, they were just one of those couples who enjoyed getting on each other's nerves.

  "Thanks for watching Max."

  "No problem," Brandon said. "He's awesome. I think me and Nikki are going to let him watch the boys next time so we can have a date."

  "I can't vouch for his babysitting skills." Julien looked around at the quiet house. He hadn't even noticed his nephews' absence. "Where are they?"

  "They wanted to eat supper at the neighbors."

  "By themselves?"

  Nikki shrugged. "They're six and eight and their little friends are over there. Besides, the mom's a really good cook. I'd eat over there myself if I were invited."

  "Speaking of cooking… you promised me gumbo," Julien said.

  "I know, I'll make you a gumbo little brother. And when I do, you have to tell me what all went down in France."

  "Deal," he said.

  "What went down in France?" Brandon asked.

  "He'll tell us when he comes for gumbo," Nikki snapped.

  Julien and Max left to the sounds of friendly bickering and headed home to get unpacked. He turned on the lights and flung his keys onto the little table in the entryway as they came in the house. He'd left the heat on 62 so it didn't run the whole time, and it was chilly in the house. The very first thing he did was turn the heat up then he carried his bags to his bedroom and put them on the end of his bed.

  He was so glad he'd left the house clean. It felt good being home, and (even though he'd only been gone a few days) he couldn't resist the urge to stretch out on top of the comforter and enjoy the feel of his own bed. Max jumped up there and, knowing Julien didn't let him get on the bed very often, approached Julien cautiously. Julien clicked his lips to give him approval, and Max curled up next to his head.

  "You stink, boy."

  Max didn't care.

  Julien hung out with his dog for a few minutes in complete silence before he spoke. "I've been sitting for the last... " He sighed. "I don't even want to think about how long. Shit, I've been sitting a long time." Julien wasn't looking at Max—he was just talking to him as he stood up and crossed the room to get in the shower.

  After he got cleaned up and changed, Julien, inspired by Brandon, made himself a bowl of cereal. He sat down at the kitchen island with the cereal and his phone. He had a couple texts from gym guys wanting to know details, but he hadn't really had the time to sit down and type everything out. He didn't really feel like writing any of it down, anyway. He figured he'd just have to break down and give Tim a call.

  Before he did that, he pressed the little, white envelope, opening his email. It refreshed when he opened it, and his phone dinged signaling something new had come in. It was an email from Nadine that had come in less than five minutes before. The subject line said, "Very front pocket of your carry-on." Julien clicked on the email, but when it loaded, he could see there was nothing in the text at all.

  He read the subject again, before walking straight to his bedroom. He went to the small bag he brought on the plane and slid his hand into the outermost pocket. He could feel folded paper lining the bottom of the pocket, and Julien pulled it out and opened it without hesitation. There were two pieces, and the front and backs of both were covered. It was an extremely long letter addressed to him and signed by Nadine, and his heart fell as he scanned and saw words like I just can't, and breaks my heart. His eyes darted over the letter as he took in the word sorry at least three or four times. He had to tell himself to just start at the beginning and read the damn thing.

  Julien,

  I am feeling emotional right now. I'm thinking in French, and I'd really like to write in French, but I know you will not be able to read it, and so I have to write in English. I'm sorry, and please excuse my writing. I would like to get to the point of my letter quickly because you are next to me and I fear you will wake up. I am unable to tell you how very much this book has affected me since explaining that would cause me to cry and lose it right here in my chair. I'm going to try my best to keep it together. Let me say that I am greatly distressed by the book and wish I would have never read it. I wish this book had never been written. How did this lady know these things about me? Who is this lady? Who is this other guy Julien St. James, and why is he so like you in some ways and different from you in others? How and why is the girl exactly like me? I know I will never get the answers to these questions, but I just had to put them down on paper. Julien, the things she wrote in that book were scary. It was like she explained me better than I'd ever be able to explain myself. I think we can both appreciate how that is a scary and unacceptable way to begin a relationship. I'm sorry, but I just can't continue something that started under these circumstances. I understand that you may not feel the same way, which I understand because the hero in the book was so very different from you, but let me tell you—when th
e character is the exact copy like Nadine is to me, it messes with your mind. I am having trouble knowing what to believe. I feel that maybe this book was written right before I downloaded it and was written as a part of some elaborate scheme to make me come to Jesus or something. I'm close to coming to Jesus right now, Julien. This is breaking my heart. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The way the writer describes Nadine's love for Julien was exactly how I felt about you. I loved you in spite of barely knowing you. I knew in my gut that you were the one, just like Nadine knew about that Julien. Christ, Julien, last night I said, "None of it will matter anyway because when it comes down to it, I'll be Nadine and you'll be Julien and we'll be perfect." And that exact fucking phrase is in the book. That is the most messed up thing I've ever experienced, and my head is spinning thinking about everything I just read. Julien, please know that, while my love for you is real, there's no way I can carry on a love affair with you. I would never be happy knowing I settled for the fate some woman had made up. I would not enjoy feeling like I didn't choose my own destiny. I am truly sorry that I was too much of a coward to tell you this to your face. I love you and could be talked into staying, but it would only be temporary. I would leave you eventually since I couldn't stand the idea of living the life she wrote for me. Because, the truth is… If you asked, I'd probably move in and marry you just like the girl in the book did. And see? I'd be living out the book. I just can't do it, Julien. Sorry. I'm so sorry we had to meet under these circumstances. It breaks my heart to think about losing you right when I found you. You're a great guy and I know you'll find a great girl. I'm not sure if saying this will be a comfort or a pain, but I love you. I do very much love you, and might never love another man as much. I'm sorry, but the book is just too much for me to handle. I should be thankful that you stopped Pierre from shooting me, so thank you. I appreciate you coming all the way to France to do that. Please don't look for me. I never went back there. I never got on the plane back to Baton Rouge. I am going to Paris, and will live with my family until I figure everything out. Please don’t contact me. It will be entirely too hard to refuse you. I hope you can forgive me for not being brave enough to tell you these things in person.