Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  Ezekiel leaned forward and tugged on his long white beard. He peered through his small glasses at me for a long moment.

  "Katherine, you would have to leave everything that you know of behind you. If you made this your home, you would not be able to see your family, or your friends," Ezekiel said gently.

  I nodded and looked down.

  "I am aware of that. There is nothing there for me," I murmured.

  I was sure they would not believe me.

  "What of your father? Jonah says he is a man of stature. He will come looking for you, will he not? We do not wish trouble. We stay out of the English way. And you seem to bring conflict with you," Eli stated.

  "We cannot allow your violence into our community," the Bishop added.

  "I don't want to do that either. I don't want anyone to get hurt," I said hurriedly.

  It was my greatest fear in being with the Bergers. That Sean would eventually find me.

  The idea that he would hurt Emma. Or Abigail.

  "You have much to learn, if we were to consider you. Our youth experience Rumspringa to discover how precious our Way is. You ask for it as if you know that you want it, but have not lived long enough among us to understand its meaning," the Bishop scoffed.

  "Samuel, she has lived her life in what our youth deny. Fannie tells me she remains true and honest in our beliefs. Perhaps she understands better than we think about our Way," Ezekiel said, smiling over at me.

  The Bishop looked over at Ezekiel and murmured to him, in the same guttural German he had used in the Sermon, too loud for a whisper in the quiet room. The three of them pulled their heads close to one another.

  She tempts our young. You see her with young Fisher.

  Yes. He now smiles, Samuel. That is not wrong.

  Nathan will leave with her.

  It is not our choice if he leaves.

  I sat there quietly; trying not to let on I understood most of what they said. I understood more than I could speak and the occasional English word thrown into their hushed conversation helped in the context. As much as I wanted to utter the scant German I knew back at them, I needed this advantage.

  "Katherine," Ezekiel said as he pulled away from the cluster. "What have you done here to learn of our Ways?"

  He smiled again, a little bit of comfort in the room.

  "I have learned to be helpful as it's needed. Others needs are more important than my own. I have stood by Fannie and fed the family, as well as those in need," I started. Ezekiel's smile widened.

  "What of your faith, Katherine?" the Bishop interrupted. "What is your belief in God?"

  I swallowed hard.

  "I believe everything happens for a reason. Because God has a plan," I whispered.

  "And God wishes you to remain here? To tempt our youth, to enchant our young men?" the Bishop pushed.

  "I… I'm not here to enchant," I stammered.

  "Samuel," Eli whispered, a warning to his voice. The Bishop shook his head and continued, his eyes fixed on me in accusation.

  "You will tire of this lifestyle. It is difficult enough for our youth. It is not about baking and courting, Katherine. This is not a fairy tale. This is our way of life. And you disrespect it by wishing to join it like a club of your world," he hissed.

  I sat there, numb. Terrified to say anymore.

  "Katherine," Eli said, his voice more soothing. "We live under God's law. How do you see yourself in the eyes of God?"

  I frowned and shook my head.

  "I don't understand the question," I replied shakily.

  The Bishop interrupted Eli before he could rephrase the question.

  "If you were a person from our Book, who would you be?" the Bishop asked, grinning.

  I knew where he was going with this.

  Jezebel.

  But I felt closer to another character. One who had experienced her own trials in faith and trust. I was losing. He was baiting me. Trying to defile the Stranger. As so many did in their Book. Only to find that strangers were to be valued.

  Protected.

  Why did the Bishop only see me as a threat? When a novice like myself saw that she was strong in my head, maybe only from having just read about her.

  "I am Ruth."

  The Bishop's eyes narrowed and his lips pursed as he leaned closer towards me.

  I was sure he had not been expecting that one. And that gave me a little confidence.

  "You believe yourself to be Ruth of the Moabites? How so, girl?" the Bishop asked, unconvinced.

  I turned to Ezekiel, gaining confidence in his supportive gaze. He nodded gently, asking me to continue with his eyes.

  "I have been treated kindly in a strange land, welcomed by a loving family. I am a foreigner, but have been given nothing but kindness. I have worked hard to offer that kindness in return. And I hope to enter this life through trust in God, and those that follow that path," I explained.

  I hoped I sounded like I knew what I was talking about.

  Did I? I was still learning.

  Ezekiel nodded, along with Eli, but the Bishop continued on.

  "Do you expect to find your Boaz then, girl? Have you already ensured yourself a place, do you think? Have you claimed someone already, brazen as Ruth was?" he asked, ignoring the men beside him.

  "I haven't made any claims, Bishop Yoder. I am grateful for the Bergers and only wish to help them however I can as I find my way," I replied. I could feel the trickle of sweat roll down my back from my nerves.

  "And what of the Fisher boy? What hold does young Nathan have on you?" he persisted.

  Swallowing again at the intensity of the Bishop's stare, I shook my head again.

  "Nathan is part of the family. He has extended his kindness to me," I started, afraid to implicate him in anything.

  "He is courting you, an English. This is not a path he should take," the Bishop said, a little louder and leaned back as if his words finalized any decisions to be made.

  The other elders looked towards one another, and I could see the worry on their face.

  I turned my head away feeling the heat on my face.

  Nathan was so important to them. More so than simply an Amish man gaining the affections of an outsider. It was obvious that the Bishop had his motives, and sadly it seemed those motives would be more important than me.

  "Nathan's choice is his own. I don't know his intentions," I whispered finally.

  Ezekiel cleared his throat, drawing my eyes up to him.

  "Katherine, it is obvious that he has taken to you. He stood before us and argued quite enthusiastically on your behalf to have you welcomed to our community. He was most insistent. This is troubling to us, only in that he has not taken his Rumspringa. He is a troubled young man who has lost so much. If we were to allow you into our community, and you made a decision to leave, he would suffer. This family would suffer," he said, his eyes suddenly very sad.

  "I would never wish to hurt them, Elder Ezekiel," I replied softly.

  "If you left child, do you not think he would go after you?" Eli asked.

  I shook my head.

  "He doesn't belong in my world," I whispered and looked down into my lap, embarrassed of the world I had called my own. Nathan would be lost in it. He didn’t deserve that.

  "You would destroy him. We have seen it before, you have no idea," the Bishop said harshly.

  Ezekiel raised his hand, silencing the Bishop.

  "It is his choice, Samuel. It is always their choice. You forget that," Ezekiel said, his voice stern.

  The Bishop's eyes seemed to blaze for a moment.

  I watched as they spoke again in hushed German murmurs.

  You cannot allow her! She is temptation!

  You are clouded, Samuel. From your own experiences. Enough.

  She will not adjust to our way. She will leave.

  She has learned our ways better than many of our own children.

  She must not be involved with young Fisher.

  That is n
ot our place.

  He must make his own choice.

  Yes, he must get on with his plans. Maybe then he will see her for what she is.

  This girl is kind. I will allow her to try.

  You risk losing another boy from our flock!

  That is how it has always been, Samuel. She makes it no different.

  I do not approve.

  I do.

  There was a long pause, as Eli looked my way, his eyes thoughtful for a moment before turning back towards Ezekiel.

  I will allow her, if she will try to live our way.

  I held my breath at Eli's words. Did that mean I was accepted?

  "Katherine," Ezekiel said loudly. "You have learned some of our life. You must learn everything. You must embrace God as we do and embrace our lifestyle. We do not wish to turn a daughter in need back into the darkness. But we cannot have the darkness take over."

  I nodded, trembling at the idea that perhaps I had finally accomplished something for myself.

  "You must prove to us that this way of life is your way of life, Katherine," Eli continued.

  "I will," I breathed, fighting back an overwhelming rush of emotions flooding me.

  "You must sever all ties with your world when you make this choice, Katherine," the Bishop said. He stared hard at me for a moment and then offered me a tight smile.

  "You must let your English father know as soon as possible. And you must have resolute ends with this boy that pursues you," he added.

  I felt my breath stutter in my lungs at the idea of confronting Sean any time soon.

  I could only nod.

  I had no idea how I would resolve anything with Sean, or figure out how to tell my father I was never coming back without him hunting me down. I'd figure it out. I had to.

  "Well, I should think you would like to spend some time with your sisters, yes? This is a celebration after all," Ezekiel said brightly, moving to stand. The two men helped him up, their eyes following me as I stood slowly.

  "Thank you," I said, stepping up closer to Ezekiel as he neared me on his way out.

  "You are a dear child. I know you will not fail us. Jonah and young Fisher would not step up for you if you were not. They were quite insistent," he murmured and patted me lightly on the shoulder as he passed.

  Eli and the Bishop nodded my way as they passed me, the Bishop's eyes betraying the frustration I know he felt at losing the chance to be rid of me.

  I stood in the room for several minutes after they had left; overwhelmed by the conversation I had just had with the older men. It had gone much better than I had thought, but I was troubled by the Bishop's interaction. I had so many things to be angry for.

  At his way of judging me before learning of me.

  Of trying to control me, just like my dad had. Or Sean.

  Of trying to ruin anything that Nathan wanted.

  Why was Nathan coveted so?

  "One thing you will learn soon enough, daughter, is forgiveness."

  I jumped at Jonah's voice in the doorway, unaware that he had even stepped in. I blushed and unclenched my fists at my sides, letting out a long breath. Jonah stepped in slowly, looking off towards the celebration outside. I could hear laughter and children yelling.

  Everyone was having a good time.

  "It may appear that you have a mountain to climb, but there are those that will help you to scale it," he murmured.

  "I have so much to do. I don't know how to do it all," I admitted.

  He smiled and touched me on the shoulder tenderly.

  "First, we must find your strength and your purpose. And then we will shed the worry and the doubt," he replied softly.

  He looked outside and let out a long sigh.

  "Nathan is missing you. Let us put this behind us for now and worry over what we will do tomorrow, Katherine. Come, let us enjoy today," he whispered and pulled me gently towards the door.

  I was quiet as we stepped out into the sunlight, the brightness of it blinding me for a moment. I couldn't make out where Nathan was, until Jonah steered me to the side of the porch. Nathan was there, pacing back and forth. He looked like he had just undergone the interrogation I just had. Hearing our footsteps, his head shot up and his eyes widened when he took me in. I must have looked upset because he rushed over to us and spoke hurriedly.

  "Are you all right? You were in there for so long! They agreed to allow you to stay, yes? Kate, tell me you are all right?" he asked in a rush.

  I nodded and tried to smile. It seemed to work. The tension in his shoulders lessened and he looked then to Jonah.

  "She is allowed to stay?" Nathan asked again.

  "So Ezekiel tells me, Nathan," Jonah said with a kind smile.

  Nathan let out a relieved breath and offered me the brilliant smile I had only seen in private. Jonah cleared his throat and stepped away slowly.

  "You should eat something, Katherine. You look pale. I leave her in your care, Nathan. Just be mindful that she is still under scrutiny," he said and stepped away, his eyes holding onto Nathan's until he turned and walked away.

  "What does he mean by under scrutiny? They said you could stay," Nathan asked, his brow puckering with worry once more.

  "I don't really want to talk about it right now. My head hurts from it all," I replied.

  Nathan touched me softly on my wrist, for just an instant before withdrawing.

  "You did not eat. It was not fair of them to steal you away so soon," he whispered, looking down into my eyes.

  I blushed at his attention and simply shrugged.

  "Come," he whispered. "Emma saved you a plate. We have a blanket laid out in the shade."

  I walked beside Nathan quietly, listening to the chatter of the guests as we passed. On more than one occasion, a head would turn our way and watch us as we walked. Perhaps I was paranoid, but after the hesitancy from the Elders, and the mistrust from the Bishop, I felt the judging eyes of people taking in how I walked beside Nathan away from the general celebration.

  I saw Emma stand just as I thought to turn and go back to the gathering, her eyes troubled as she stood near John, who was sitting comfortably on the blanket. I tried to smile, not wanting her to worry; although I knew she could read my stress in the way I carried my body.

  Nothing got past Emma.

  "We were so worried," she whispered when she pulled me into a tight embrace.

  "I know. It's ok. They agreed to let me stay," I murmured, feeling her arms tighten before she released me.

  "But you are still upset," she stated as she looked me over.

  "Emma, let her relax for a moment," Nathan said.

  John and Emma settled in on one side of the blanket, Emma patting beside her for me to sit. Nathan sat beside me, letting his legs stretch out off of the blanket. Emma pulled out a plate and offered it to me. I wasn't really hungry, not after the nerves had done me in, but I knew we probably wouldn't eat again that day. It just felt strange to be the only one eating while they watched me. I sat there quietly looking down at my plate for a minute before John finally spoke up.

  "I am hungry for some pie. Shall I bring some back for everyone?" he asked, standing and smiling down at me before he turned to head towards the dessert table. Emma followed him with her eyes as he walked away, making me smile in the thought that somehow they had reconnected.

  "John seems happy," I mused.

  She pretended to scowl at me.

  "We are not talking about John. We are talking about you, Katherine," she said.

  I fidgeted with my plate, tearing apart the bread.

  "They are letting me stay, with provisions," I murmured.

  "What provisions?" Emma and Nathan said almost simultaneously.

  I shook my head and poked at the chicken on my plate.

  "Obviously I need to live like you," I started.

  "You do that already," Emma argued.

  “I didn’t know about the language thing,” I grumbled, glancing at her warily.

  “Wh
at language thing?” Nathan asked, confused.

  Emma nodded, understanding.

  “The Ausbund,” she explained. “And the Sermon. I am sorry, we should have told you. Some still speak our language, but more each day speak as you. It is easier when we sell to the English in town. Honestly most only use it be secretive around the English. Mother and Father do not choose to speak it in the home.”

  “We will teach you,” Nathan offered, an apologetic frown marring his handsome face.

  I just nodded, not knowing if I wanted anyone to know just how much I really understood from my interrogation. Would it get back to the Bishop and make him furious that he didn’t have that advantage? Would knowing it help me?

  "What else?" Nathan whispered, interrupting my thoughts.

  "I need to sever ties and make sure Sean doesn't come around. Severing ties I am not that upset about," I explained.

  "But they want you to confront your English boyfriend? That would not be wise," Emma said heatedly.

  "That's an understatement," I mumbled. I couldn't look them in the eye. I was too embarrassed by the fear I felt over Sean. I was terrified to see him again.

  "We will find a way, Kate," Nathan whispered and leaned in to brush his fingers across mine.

  "Yes, I am sure Father can figure something out. He has many English friends in town. We will think of something," Emma said soothingly.

  I nodded and remained quiet. I knew whatever I needed to do in order for Sean to forget me would take more than a few friends that did not raise a hand in anger. The fact that these people who knew so little of me, would risk so much made me love them that much more. I wouldn't get that support at home. I hadn't at all, which was why I was here in the first place.

  That and maybe divine inspiration.

  Was I here for a reason?

  "Please, Kate. You should eat," Nathan whispered.

  I turned to him and smiled up into his worried eyes.

  "That is supposed to be what I say to you," I murmured, enjoying his blush.

  "Nathan did not eat much either, he was so worried," Emma replied.

  "We can share then," I said and pulled a green bean off the plate and offered it to Nathan. His blush deepened and he hesitated before taking it with his mouth.