Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  I felt his lips brush up against the tips of my fingers, the heat of them enough to make me tremble. Enough to make his ears burn and his eyes look away quickly to mask the desire there. I mentally shook myself and turned back to Emma, who was smiling at the two of us.

  I distracted myself with a piece of chicken and tried instead to ask Emma about John.

  "So you are speaking to John again," I stated, grinning when I noticed her blush and wrinkle her nose at my keen observation.

  She sighed and looked back towards where he had disappeared.

  "He asked to sit with us just as I brought the last pies out. I had forgotten how persuasive he could be. And how sweet. I do love how he makes me smile," she whispered happily and pouted at Nathan's embarrassed chuckle.

  I laughed and took another bite before extending my plate toward Nathan, offering him to pick something. We sat there quietly and ate, until John returned with two plates of pie. He sat down comfortably beside Emma, offering her one plate and Nathan the other.

  "They were almost bare. I grabbed what I could and thought we would share," he explained and produced four forks.

  We ate our food in silence, the sound of the children carrying on the breeze as we sat there. I watched as Abigail ordered some of the younger girls around, smiling at how precocious she could be and still appear to be that sweet Amish girl. We were not all that different, as I looked around. It was only the darker side of my life that the Amish did not pursue.

  Nathan finished up the plate of food, while I picked at the pie. I smirked and handed him the plate when I noticed he still looked hungry. He took the plate with a quiet thank you and grinned when he noticed it was one of my pies. He finished it in no time, letting out a contented sigh as he leaned back on his elbow, stretching out beside me.

  "I am afraid I ate too much," he chuckled and slipped further onto the blanket, resting his head carefully over his arm.

  John followed Nathan's cue and stretched out beside Emma, sneaking a gentle hand squeeze when she took his plate from him. I set our plates behind us and leaned back, enjoying the sun as it beat down on us through the shade of the tree we sat beneath. Nathan let out a satisfied sigh and watched me as I relaxed for the first time all day. He reached for my free hand and brushed it softly before letting his hand rest on his stomach.

  It was difficult to watch him, laid out beside me and not want to just lean in to touch him. He was lean and lanky, and stretched out as he was you could see just how tall he really was. I kept my eyes up high, watching the soft smile play on his lips as he tipped his hat down over his closed eyes. Watching his chest rise and fall, his breathing grew deeper, and soon I knew he was asleep.

  I wondered how tired he was, working as he did and probably sleeping poorly when he did sleep. It was nice to see this contented side of him. Glancing over at John and Emma, I caught John watching me. His soft smile widened and he laughed softly.

  "I am sorry, Katherine. You seem to be at peace in the moment. It is a nice thing to see," he said quietly so as not to wake Nathan.

  I nodded and closed my eyes.

  It was weird. I did feel content in the moment. Regardless of all the anxiety I had felt earlier in the day, right then I felt at peace. I was with friends who cared. I smiled into the sunlight and thanked the powers that be for this little bit of heaven we lived in at that moment. I couldn't remember a time when I had felt this at ease.

  "You are good for each other," John whispered, my eyes opening up to his words.

  Looking down at sleeping Nathan I smiled.

  "He is a kind person. I'm glad for his friendship," I replied.

  John's eyes didn't waver as he watched me from across the blanket. It was difficult to look away; he seemed to have a persuasive draw about him. And like Emma, he seemed he could read people well. I let out a relieved breath when his eyes moved to Nathan’s sleeping form.

  "You are bound to him in more ways than friendship, Katherine. You and he need each other. It is like finding the missing piece to the puzzle after ages thinking it lost. It is something to hold onto. Something that was worth the wait," he said, turning to Emma with such love on his face, I knew he felt that same connection with Emma.

  Emma touched his arm lightly, a radiant smile like I had never seen before flitting across her face. I watched in wonder, as they seemed to have an entire conversation with their eyes, John's deep and content, Emma's full of joy and excitement.

  They had most certainly mended their ways. I wondered if he had asked her to be his wife again. Perhaps it was too soon. John seemed like the kind of man that would wait until the time was right. He seemed patient and giving. And all that seemed directed not just at Emma, but also to those around him. He was the perfect companion for Emma.

  He closed his eyes and smiled serenely towards her as he settled into the blanket, much like Nathan. His hand remained in Emma's, a quiet link to one another.

  I looked around and could see that most of the women were busy cleaning up, while the men and younger kids relaxed. John had tipped his hat over his eyes as well, a happy smile the only part of his face I could see. Nathan was sleeping well, his chest rising and falling at a steady rhythm. It was nice to be this close to him even in slumber.

  It was nice to just sit back and relax, if only for a little while.

  There was always something that needed doing. I joined the women in cleaning up, smiling as I worked, and feeling more at ease after having won today’s battle.

  I would prove that I was made for this life.

  Chapter 18

  "You have certainly made quick work of the house, girls!" Fannie exclaimed when she brought in the last of the linens from the tables outside.

  I wiped off the bit of sweat on my forehead and smiled at her happily.

  "It is our sister's wedding day," Emma replied merrily. "She deserves a special evening."

  Fannie raised her eyebrow and laughed, glancing out into the waning light outside.

  "I am sure a certain young man out there was not the incentive, Emma," she chided.

  I joined in Fannie’s laughter and pulled the linens from her hands to set out on the porch. I walked out on them hugging, Fannie offering soft words into Emma's ear. I didn't know what she might be telling her daughter, but I had a feeling based on her glassy eyes that she was feeling that moment when one child leaves, you are sure the others are not far behind.

  Fannie finally let out a heavy sigh as I walked back in.

  "Fine!" Fannie said loudly, feigning exasperation. "You may go out and talk a while with that poor boy. But only because he helped Jonah and Nathan with the chairs and tables!"

  Emma grabbed me and laughed as she bolted for the back door.

  "Thank you, Mother! We will stay close!" she yelled as she dragged me out the door.

  The last thing I saw was Fannie's endearing smile as the door closed.

  "Where are we going, Emma?" I asked as she pulled me towards the barn.

  The idea of any more chores made me cringe. My hands were all pruny and my feet throbbed. More than anything I wanted to just take off my shoes and sit down. But as we rounded the barn, another thing seemed more important.

  Spending quiet time with Nathan Fisher.

  Nathan leaned against the fence, talking casually with John. His hat was off as he pulled his hand through his hair, causing it to ruffle slightly where his fingers had been. I felt Emma squeeze my fingers at my sigh and shook my head when she laughed at me. John and Nathan looked our way at the sound Emma's laughter, and the world fell away at the smile on Nathan's face.

  Emma stepped away from me and joined John, who stood there smiling tenderly down at her. One hand moved up, tracing her cheek softly before he whispered something to her. I was too far away to hear, but it must have been nice, because she smiled up into his eyes and took his hand, leading him away towards the far side of the barn. John glanced back towards Nathan, nodding to him as if in silent conversation.

  N
athan shuffled his feet and glanced my way, clearing his throat as I stepped close.

  "Did you sleep well?" I asked.

  He offered me a shy smile and nodded.

  "I have not slept that well in a long time. John had trouble waking me. I was dreaming," he whispered and his smile widened a bit.

  "What were you dreaming about?" I asked softly, my heart speeding up at the way he flushed.

  "I cannot say," he murmured and looked down at his hands.

  I chanced overstepping again and reached for his hand, hearing his soft exhale of breath when I took it into my own and moved closer. His hand closed over mine, the gentle tug pulling me even closer, until I brushed against him. He leaned down, his lips brushing across my hairline.

  "It is nearly sunset, would you like to walk a while?" he asked.

  My feet cried out in protest.

  "Actually, I'd really like to sit somewhere and put my feet up," I said and laughed at his confused expression.

  "It's been a long day, Nathan."

  He nodded and looked down, a little crestfallen.

  "Of course, you need your rest. I can walk you back to the house," he murmured and took a step back.

  "No," I said hurriedly. "I don't want to go to sleep. I just want to sit somewhere with you."

  His smile returned and he looked off towards the barn, shaking his head.

  "John has already claimed where it will be most comfortable," he said and laughed when he noticed me look back towards the barn where Emma and John had disappeared.

  His face lit up and he pulled me away from the fence, past the far side of the barn where Jonah kept his farming equipment. He stopped before a large open wagon, still littered with loose hay. One last glance back the way we had come and then his hands moved in to encircle my waist. I didn't have a chance to be alarmed by his touch as he lifted me up onto the edge of the wagon as if I weighed nothing at all. He leapt up beside me with ease, his laughter light as he helped me settle back into the soft hay near the front of the wagon. We were well hidden from the house, the walls of the wagon high to contain all the hay. I felt a moment's apprehension at the idea of being so far removed from the safety of the Berger’s home. I was alone, with a boy who obviously desired me.

  One moment I was hopeful for something more from Nathan, the next I was nervous of the same thing.

  "Kate?"

  I flinched when I saw his hand rise up towards me.

  Pure instinct. It was ingrained in me, even after a couple of weeks away from Sean’s threat.

  "I'm sorry," I stammered.

  His hand moved slowly towards me, as if towards as spooked animal.

  "Kate, I would never hurt you," he whispered. His fingertips grazed my cheek, so soft it tickled the skin until it prickled. He paused when he felt me tremble.

  I took a deep calming breath, and closed my eyes to feel his warmth against me, leaning into his palm.

  "It's not you, Nathan. I'm just not used to kindness," I said and opened my eyes when I felt his fingers trace along my jaw once more. He was gentle as he stroked my cheek, regarding me tenderly.

  "Kindness is what you deserve, Kate. That is all I wish to give you."

  This was quickly turning into a serious discussion, when all I was sure he wanted was a quiet moment with me. I could tell by his rigid body; he was strung tightly, surely venturing into uncharted territories for him. And I was flinching at his gentle hand, causing him to refrain from what we both wanted. I wanted him to touch me, even if my innate fear of being hurt lingered in the periphery of my wary mind.

  For that I hated Sean, for ruining me in so many ways for Nathan. Nathan had been sweet and kind. He had defended me when I needed it most. He watched me with genuine concern. My hands found their way around his neck, pulling him down so that his lips were inches from mine. He paused, indecision in his eyes.

  "I do not wish to frighten or hurt you, Kate," he said nervously.

  "I know. I trust you," I replied, looking up into his innocent eyes.

  "I want to make you happy, Kate. Like you do me," he whispered against my lips. I pulled him down so that his lips met mine, offering him the chance to explore.

  To learn.

  His body was so close, the heat and firm presence of it should have made me fearful, but it felt right with Nathan. He kissed me slowly, measured as he leaned in a little more, covering my body carefully. I felt him hesitate, as if to question his own decision. And then his lips softened and he kissed me fully, having learned so much in the last couple of weeks of how to make me breathless. My hands found new places to explore, one rooting deeply into his hair, and the other tracing down the length of his back.

  Finally I could touch that which I had obsessed over every time he left me.

  Feeling its strength, the muscles tensing as he held himself just far enough away from me to remain separated; I loved the feel of his back under my hand. He moaned into my mouth when his fingers moved to my neck, tracing down the length of it until his hand splayed out across my collarbone. He pulled away and looked down at his hand, breathing heavily.

  "Your heart is beating so quickly!" he said in awe. My hand slipped free of his hair, moving down to his chest, so that I could feel his own beating heart.

  "So is yours," I replied, matching his smile.

  His head dipped slowly once more, this time moving to my jaw, kissing me softly along the jaw before nuzzling into my neck beside my ear. His breath tickled my ear as he breathed deep. His lips ghosted across my skin until they finally touched the beating in my throat. Soft hot lips lingered there on my pounding pulse, a soft hum escaping his lips before he pulled away to look down at me, a smile breaking out across his face.

  "I like the way your heart pounds," he said softly.

  I laughed and felt along his shoulders to distract me from all the feelings I had swirling in my head.

  I liked his pounding heart too. Everywhere I could feel it.

  He adjusted beside me, propping himself up on his elbow so that he could watch me more easily. His hand explored, touching along my cheek, down my neck, ending finally at my shoulder. Looking up and away from me, he smiled and nodded to the dark sky above.

  "I think we have the better resting spot. The stars are coming out for us," he whispered.

  I looked up, at the dark heavens above us and marveled at how many stars had already come out. I hadn't seen a truly remarkable skyline since my days at camp in the national forest, years ago. Here, in the quiet of the night, the stars burned bright even as the last sliver of sunset lighted the western sky.

  "There's so many stars," I breathed.

  "Wait until it gets darker. The field lights up with all the star light," he said and smiled at my excitement.

  Nathan pulled me close, letting my head rest on his arm as we settled in to look up into the sky. It was comforting, lying beside him. He didn't push, didn't claw at me. His hand gently held mine across my stomach, brushing my knuckles in long slow caresses. We didn't speak, it was enough to simply lie there together and feel one another's warmth. As Nathan promised, the sky continued to brighten with hundreds of stars as the night crept in. I lost track of time, happy in my place beside him, the starlight brightening his face as he regarded me.

  He wasn't watching the stars. He had seen the stars hundreds of times in his own lifetime. It was nothing new to him. But I was new, and he couldn’t seem to keep his eyes off of me. There was a kind of adoration and love in Nathan's watchful gaze. I closed my eyes and sighed, feeling a great comfort wash over me. The heat of Nathan soothed me, lulled me until the night sounds seemed to turn muddy in my ears. All I could hear was his soft breath against my ear, like the distant tide at the beach on top of the cliffs.

  Soothing.

  I didn't realize I had drifted off until I felt Nathan's fingertips brush across my cheek. I stirred against him, finding myself tucked in close to him for warmth. Pulling away, I blushed at the idea if having all but wrapped my body arou
nd him while I slept. Sitting up I looked around and noticed it was much darker.

  "How long did I sleep?" I asked worriedly, sure that Jonah and Fannie would worry.

  Why hadn't Emma come to find me?

  "Only a little while, Kate. I did not wish to wake you, but it is late," he replied and shifted towards the edge of the wagon before jumping off.

  I moved to the edge, smiling as he held his hands out to me. I let him pull me off, enjoying the feel of his fingers around my waist again. He held me for a moment, his head dipping down to kiss me tenderly along the lips before drawing away. His fingers lingered along my waist, and I could feel his thumbs skirt across my hipbones slowly, warming me further.

  His hands felt right against me like that.

  We walked hand in hand towards the house. As we passed the barn, I had to wonder about Emma. She would be in trouble as well. Nathan seemed to understand.

  "Emma is waiting for you up by the porch. They only just left the barn," he whispered, grinning when I let out a surprised gasp.

  Well, Emma has some explaining to do!

  Sure enough, Emma and John were sitting in the swing by the back door, talking softly until we neared. As soon as we were on the porch John stood and made to leave. He leaned down and squeezed Emma's hand once more before turning to Nathan and me.

  "A pleasant day, yes?" he asked, fighting back a grin.

  "A pleasant day, to be sure," Nathan replied, holding my hand a little tighter to temper the laughter I felt bubbling up.

  Glancing over at Emma, she was fighting hard to keep from giggling.

  "There is a gathering this week at the old farm. We could all go together. Katherine has never been to a gathering," John continued, glancing my way.

  I felt Nathan's body tense beside me before he shook his head.

  "I do not think it would be something to experience. It is not the best time to explore that way. Thank you for the invitation," Nathan said coolly.

  I didn't understand the sudden shift. Nathan and John seemed to be close. The idea of another outing seemed exciting. But I remained quiet as the two men exchanged silent words. Glancing at Emma again, I saw the irritation on her face.