Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  "Let me know if you change your minds. I have a friend who can take us," John said and nodded towards Emma before stepping off into the night.

  "Come, Katherine. We need to go inside. Nathan, thank you for your help today," Emma said, her voice much harsher than I had ever heard towards Nathan.

  He nodded and stepped away from me, retreating down the steps slowly.

  I was utterly confused by the polar shift in everyone.

  "Pleasant night, Emma. Kate. I will see you in the morning. Thank you for a wonderful day," he murmured and retreated back into the night, refusing to look back.

  I wheeled around towards Emma.

  "What just happened? Everyone was so happy!"

  She rolled her eyes at me and put her fingers to her lips, guiding me into the dark house. I was surprised no one was up to wait for us. We tiptoed into our room and stripped quickly, both of us giggling quietly over the sudden appearance of hay on the floor as we shook out our dresses to hang up. Abigail snorted in bed and turned on her side, still asleep.

  Slipping into bed, Emma finally let out a frustrated breath when I asked again about what had happened on the porch.

  "Nathan!" she hissed. "He is such a righteous and stubborn man!"

  I raised my eyebrow at her and chuckled.

  If she had seen him kissing me earlier, maybe she wouldn't think that.

  She huffed and continued.

  "The gathering John talked about is part of our Rumspringa. Nathan refuses to go because he is afraid. It does not make sense, not with you here now to show him!" she groused.

  "I don’t understand. It’s a party?" I asked, confused.

  "In a way, yes. It is a chance for us to experience some of your world. There is music and dancing, we can wear what we want. It is the only time we can do this. I do not understand why Nathan would not want to experience that with you," she continued.

  I wasn't sure I wanted to see Nathan experience anything in my world.

  Maybe dancing. But the rest was something we both could forget about.

  “It’s not a good time for me to be going out, Emma,” I rationalized. “I need to prove myself to the Elders. I’m sure that’s why Nathan doesn’t want to go.”

  "He has never liked going," she continued. "John and Mark managed to get him to go once this spring. And that was the last time he went."

  “I’m sure he had his reasons,” I murmured, thinking of all he had gone through after his family had died. To say that he hadn’t walked away from his lifestyle was a testament to his beliefs. Emma’s reaction seemed extreme.

  "I will not be allowed to go on my own," Emma pouted.

  "You mean with John?"

  She nodded.

  "Mother and Father can not stop us from going, but they will be upset if I go with just John. It would make them happier if we went as a group," she explained, her eyes pleading.

  Now I understood.

  "Are you trying to get me to make Nathan go?" I asked, scowling at her.

  She had the ability to at least look a little abashed.

  "Maybe, yes. Please Kate, I have never been to one. After Hannah," she whispered and closed her mouth, fear of revealing Hannah's secret clear on her face.

  "I know about Hannah, Emma. Maybe your parents are right to worry? It doesn’t sound like it would be safe," I said softly.

  "I know John would watch out for me. It would be easier with you there," she sighed sadly.

  “Why me?”

  “Because you understand it. You would be able to tell us what is to be avoided,” she replied.

  I closed my eyes and groaned, feeling torn over this.

  "I will see what he says, Emma. I don’t know though. Are you sure Jonah and Fannie won't be upset?" I asked.

  She hugged me tight and giggled.

  "No, they understand the right of passage. I just do not have friends to go with. Thank you, Katherine. He will listen to you," she said happily.

  I slipped under the covers and got comfortable, my mind trying to figure out how to ask Nathan to go along with something he was not keen on. Maybe he was just afraid. Maybe he didn't want to know my world. Did he think I would be swayed to go back to it? Did he think I would be that tempted?

  Or was it something else?

  I was distracted from my thoughts at Emma's sudden giggling.

  "What?" I whispered.

  "Can you not hear them?" she giggled.

  I listened for a moment, my ears buzzing at trying to listen to the quiet.

  And then I heard it.

  And blushed.

  "Oh…. Really?" I whispered and started to giggle alongside Emma.

  It was quiet, and you would have to have excellent hearing to make out the sound and rhythm from the other room. We both quieted down when we thought it had stopped, only to wheeze and giggle some more when it started up again a few seconds later.

  "I cannot wait until that is me," Emma sighed softly in the dark.

  I touched her gently, feeling her hand wrap around mine tightly.

  "Me too," I whispered back, feeling an immense sense of love wash over me.

  I knew Emma loved John. Seeing them together during the day made me so happy. I couldn't wait for her to experience everything with John.

  We listened in the dark, our minds left to drift, as our sister and her husband found one another in the room next door. It didn't feel like eavesdropping so much as finding joy in her joy. Hannah had what she needed. And we could tell he was gentle. It made me tear up, knowing that my sisters and I were lucky in the men we had found.

  Emma would find that with her John, I hoped soon.

  I smiled at the thought that I might experience that one day with Nathan as well.

  I couldn't wait.

  Chapter 19

  I was running through the corn, laughing at the noise Nathan was making following along behind me. Ahead, the corn seemed to never end, but I knew he was getting closer and would catch me before I made it to the house. The rustling broke through behind me and I turned with a smile to reach for Nathan.

  Only to see dark eyes and large hands barreling towards me.

  I felt the scream in my throat but couldn’t release it, to call out for help. Stumbling in the corn I tried to run, to get away from the nightmare that was closing in.

  Reaching for me with brutal hands.

  "Katherine! We must awake!"

  My eyes slammed open, a gasp escaping my lips when I realized where I was.

  A dream. Not real.

  Sean was not here.

  I let out a steadying breath and swallowed to wet my dry mouth. I looked over at Emma as she watched me from the foot of the bed, her eyes narrowed and her hands on her hips.

  "Katherine, come. We need to get dressed. There is much to do today. Are you all right? You look flushed and you thrashed around in your sleep," she said, eyeing me a little more carefully.

  I shook my head and scrambled out of bed, my legs aching as if I had truly been running as I had in my dreams.

  "I'm fine. Just, too much excitement from yesterday," I murmured and tried to offer her a reassuring smile as I dressed for the day.

  I was quiet throughout our chores, my mind wandering again and again to the dream. I had not dreamt of Sean in over a week, and then suddenly he was back in my head. I had to wonder if perhaps the idea of going to the gathering had inadvertently made me think of him again. Emma had remarked that English boys would be there. Was my mind trying to tell me something?

  Maybe Sean would be there. That fear brought me white-faced into the kitchen, with Fannie turning and coming to me in a rush.

  "Katherine? Are you all right? You are pale," she asked worriedly.

  "I'm fine, really," I replied quietly and moved to place the milk on the counter.

  "Are you sure? Perhaps you are hungry? Emma says you did not eat much yesterday," she continued, her hand moving up to touch my forehead.

  "Probably," I replied numbly.


  "You can help Abigail set the table then and sit until we are ready," she said and turned to fetch me some juice.

  I heard Mark's heavy footsteps and couldn't help but look away, embarrassed when he walked in with Hannah beside him, a bright smile on his face. And Hannah seemed to be glowing. I felt my face heat up more at Hannah's raised eyebrow towards me. At least now I didn't look so pale.

  She slipped into the routine of preparing the morning meal, a tender hug from Fannie and Emma before she slipped on the apron and set to work. Mark watched her as she worked for a moment, his eyes turning soft before he turned and sat down beside Jonah. He smiled broadly, catching my blush before he cleared his throat and turned to Jonah, who had watched the interchange between the newlywed couple and I. I couldn't tell if Jonah was amused by it or irritated. His beard always made his lips look like they were smiling with the upper lip bare.

  "What are your plans for the day, Mark?" he said, focusing on him.

  "I have one of Father's fields to clear. The wheat is ready. My brothers are coming in today to help. Did you need me, Jonah?" he asked, his jovial post wedding night smile slipping into all business.

  There seemed to be nothing like honeymoons here.

  "I might need your help tomorrow," he started, pausing when Nathan walked in through the back door. "I would like to help Nathan today with his fields and a few other things."

  I watched as Nathan paused in putting up his hat, glancing at Jonah questioningly. His eyes were cautious, glancing around the room before he moved to stand beside the chair next to me.

  "I am fine Jonah. I do not plan on harvesting for another week or two. I have just the seeding of the autumn crops remaining," he explained in his soft voice.

  Jonah nodded and tapped his finger to his bare lip, as if in deep thought.

  "I was thinking of perhaps introducing my mare to your stallion, Nathan. It seems she has one more cycle in her this season," Jonah replied casually. I watched Nathan blink for a moment, his face serious as he thought on what Jonah was suggesting.

  "What of your stallion, Jonah? You have foaled two from them in years past," he suggested, shifting in his seat.

  I listened in silence, not sure how to take in the conversation about horse mating between Nathan and Jonah. It was something so natural for them, and so uncommon for me. And they talked over planning for the day as if it were as easy as clearing a field. Just another duty to complete in the summer. Horse breeding. Easy.

  How many of these had Nathan seen?

  "This will be my first time helping with something like this," Nathan said aloud, answering my unspoken question.

  Jonah nodded and smiled brightly.

  "Well, if they are successful we will have something to barter come early next summer," he added and then turned to the meal as it was being laid out. Fannie was shaking her head and pretending to scowl at him as she settled into her seat across the table.

  "Let us not talk of this over the meal, please. We have much to do today," she chided.

  All conversation stopped and after prayers, we settled into a quiet breakfast. I glanced at Nathan many times, his face a mask of mystery as he chewed silently beside me. It seemed he was still worked up over the mention of the gathering the night before.

  Emma openly stared at him for much of the meal, as if she were trying to read his mind while he purposefully ignored her. Hannah and Mark smiled at one another and ate silently as well, except for an occasional chuckle when Mark would wink at her. It was a different world entirely looking at how Hannah and Mark acted, with Fannie and Jonah sitting at the same table.

  Was it normal for everyone to know what Hannah and Mark had done last night?

  In her parents’ house of all places?

  From what it looked like, this was perfectly normal. Fannie smiled at them repeatedly, her gaze adoring every time she saw Hannah crack a smile. I supposed it was rewarding to see her daughter finally at peace and happy. Overnight it seemed, Hannah was a new person.

  Reborn.

  It gave me hope. And Nathan had his own house. Maybe if we ever got married, we wouldn't have to stay with the Bergers our first night. That thought brought the color back in my face for sure. Abigail glanced at me askance when she noticed and I tried to ease her curious mind with a tremulous smile and a wink. She glanced at Nathan and then back to me, a quiet giggle bubbling up from her mouth before she covered it with a large bite of her biscuit, winking back at me playfully.

  I somehow knew Abigail understood a lot more than I did at her age.

  We cleaned up as the men spoke for several minutes after the meal. Mark bade his farewells, sneaking a quick kiss from his new wife before he walked out the back door, a jovial spring in his step. Hannah smiled after him and winked at me when she caught me looking. I was saved from any comments when Jonah stood and made to leave. He stopped beside Fannie, brushing his fingertips across her cheek before smiling and glancing at me.

  "We will be busy today. Will you send Emma and Katherine to us at midday meal? Perhaps they can help Nathan's garden for the afternoon," he asked quietly.

  "Of course. Abigail can help me with the afternoon chores here. The laundry can be done in the morning," she said and patted his hand gently before stepping away.

  I watched as Jonah left, Nathan lingering for only a second to look back at me before tugging on his hat and following after. His strange expression had me a little unnerved. It was not quite troubled, but more hesitant than worried. Again I had to wonder what he was thinking of to have him behave so strangely.

  "Katherine, come. You and Abigail can help me with preserves this morning while Emma and Hannah tend to the wash," Fannie was saying.

  I allowed myself one last glance of Nathan as he walked away with Jonah, and resumed the duties I had learned were an important part of Amish life. Today would be preserves and canning. I seemed to learn something new with every new chore. I learned that I had underappreciated the jams I had enjoyed on my toast, and that it took much longer than simply spreading them on bread to make them the delicious nectar in a jar. A few hours of simmering, a lot of sugar and an unfortunate mess all over me was how my morning progressed.

  "The stain will disappear from your hands in a day or so, Katherine," Fannie chuckled when she noticed me scrubbing in the sink to no avail.

  The berries we had cooked down for jams had left dark stains on my fingertips. I sighed and shook my head at the sight. It reminded me of the time I had gotten into my father’s antique inkwells he had collected. The reminder of him only made me scowl harder. I had no idea how I was going to tell him what I needed to. I knew deep down he would be grateful to give up responsibility of me, but I also knew he would find some way to make it exceedingly difficult for me to cut ties. The hardest part would be saying goodbye to my sister.

  "You are most quiet this morning Katherine," Fannie said, breaking me out of my train of thought.

  I looked up from the dishtowel in my hand and met her sympathetic eyes. Shrugging, I began collecting the jars we had filled to place in the pantry. She stalled me halfway across the kitchen and took some of the jars from my hands.

  "You are worried about the future?" she asked softly.

  I frowned a little harder and nodded.

  "I don't know how to end it with my family, or with Sean. Every time I think about it, I can see the outcomes, and they are all more disturbing the more I think on it," I whispered.

  She helped me up the stepladder and handed me the jars while she spoke.

  "It is a significant step. One, sadly I think cannot be done by letter or in your case, by telephone. I am afraid to say it, but it is something that will need face to face contact," she said.

  I blanched at her words.

  "I don't want to think about being face to face with Sean," I mumbled and shuddered.

  She pulled me against her gently and kissed me on the temple.

  "You will not be alone. We will make sure of that. But I am sad, you w
ill need to travel for this. Jonah and I have already discussed it, just last night," she said and pulled away enough to look into my eyes. I could see the worry in them.

  "You want me to go? There?" I choked out.

  "It seems the safest. Jonah has already agreed to go with you if you wish it. And I am sure Nathan will want to go as well, although I am sure Jonah will have words with him over that," she remarked, smiling.

  "Why would Jonah need to talk with Nathan?" I asked, afraid maybe they thought Nathan would never return.

  Fannie let out a soft breath and tried to hide her smirk.

  "It is not something we talk about, Katherine. That is a man's business. But perhaps Nathan needs a father to speak with him before he makes a trip with a girl he is courting, especially if he were to consider this his Rumspringa," she replied and laughed when I swallowed hard.

  Poor Nathan.

  Getting the birds and the bees talk. Suddenly thinking of the conversation this morning, I gasped, only to start laughing.

  "Do you mean, right now?" I asked, fighting my laughter.

  It was Fannie's turn to blush.

  "I do not know!" she exclaimed and joined in with my laughter.

  The sisters glanced our way as we returned to the kitchen. I couldn't look at Hannah without bursting into laughter at the thought of what kind of speech Mark must have received before their wedding night. Fannie pulled me close again and let out a happy sigh.

  "Well now that you are laughing once more, let us set up a basket for you to take to the men for this afternoon," she said and we were once again busying ourselves with preparing a meal to bring over to Nathan and Jonah.

  We ate quickly in the house, and when Emma and I made to leave, Hannah groused about not being able to bring a basket to Mark. Fannie scowled at her and pushed a bundle of damp clothes toward her to hang out to dry.

  "You will see him tonight, Hannah. He has family there to feed him. He will not need you every moment of his life. You can tend to him tonight when he returns," she chided.

  Emma and I left before we could hear Hannah's remarks.

  "Emma? How long will Hannah and Mark stay here, together?" I asked as we started up the hill towards Nathan's house.