Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  Emma laughed.

  "Only one more night. Did they keep you up? Is that why you seem so distracted today?" she asked.

  "No, no they didn’t bother me last night," I murmured; looking away from her towards the field I hoped to see Nathan in. But it was vacant.

  "Is it because I asked you about the gathering?" she asked, and when I turned I noticed her worried gaze.

  I nodded.

  "I'm sorry, Emma. I just don't want to pressure Nathan not knowing why he was so upset last night. I can’t help worrying that Sean might be there, too. I had nightmares last night about him," I replied softly.

  Emma grabbed my hand and squeezed it hard.

  "I am sorry. I should not have asked, Katherine. I let my selfish wants interfere. I did not mean to cause you pain," she said and hugged me quickly.

  “It’s not your fault, Emma,” I replied and let out a breath. “I just don’t understand why it’s so important to you.”

  She was quiet for a few minutes and when I turned to see if she had heard me, I noticed a sad far away look on her face.

  “You know that world, I do not,” she murmured. “I have not experienced much because of my sickness. I know John wants to commit to the Way, but he has also had a chance to see things. I do not wish to regret having not had that chance.”

  I remained quiet, thinking about her circumstances. I knew she wouldn’t pressure me again to go, but it was hard to not try and explain to her that there were more important things in life than an English party. I shivered at the thought of the last party I had been to.

  And run from.

  I wished I could reassure Emma that she wasn’t missing anything, but like any teenager, I knew she’d want to experience it herself, regardless of past histories of her sister or myself.

  We walked the rest of the way in silence, nearing the house when we heard a ruckus off to our right by an open pasture. Edging our way towards the noise, I almost ran face first into Nathan as he turned the corner of the house quickly. He was flushed and sweating, and his eyes looked uncomfortable until he took a step back to keep from knocking me over. From over his shoulder, I could see Jonah coming towards us, shaking his head in amusement.

  "Are you all right?" I asked, watching his eyes squint uncomfortably before wiping it clear with a tense smile.

  "Of course," he replied and side stepped us to head off to the water pump to rinse off.

  I glanced back at Jonah who nodded and smiled as he passed. Glancing back towards the pasture, I watched as the great black horse of Nathan’s, Magnus, pranced around Jonah's mare, which nipped and kicked at Nathan's horse.

  "It appears Patience is not impressed with Nathan's horse," Emma chuckled and pulled me away towards the house.

  I couldn't get my head around human courting much less equine relationships, so I let the conversation die as we made our way into Nathan's kitchen to set out their lunch. Looking in the cupboards for plates, I was taken by surprise at how empty his cabinets were. Hardly any food was left in them. Whatever he ate, he was solely dependent on the Bergers. Having seen the state of his garden, I was sure it was simply too much for him. It made my heart hurt for him.

  He really needed help.

  "Thank you girls! This is a blessing for a hot afternoon!" Jonah exclaimed as he stepped into the kitchen.

  Nathan followed behind, smiling at me as I stood by his refrigerator. It had been the first real smile I had seen on him all day, so it made me feel better about his strange behavior. Emma and I excused ourselves while they ate, Emma explaining to me that if we waited too long, it would be much too hot to work in the garden. As it was, when we stepped back out and started hauling water to the side garden, I felt the heat already beating down on us. It didn’t take long to start sweating.

  We worked for over an hour hauling water to the parched plants. When the soil was moist, we went through aisle by aisle, cutting back anything too far gone and salvaging any of the vegetables still worthy of eating.

  It wasn't much.

  By mid- afternoon, when the sun was at its worst, Nathan's garden resembled more of a garden than a withered jungle. Emma and I retreated back to the porch and sighed when we sat heavily in the large swing there. She looked out over the yard, shaking her head sadly as she noticed the dead bushes and dried grass.

  "This was a beautiful place once," she whispered.

  I looked at all the work that still needed to be done. Paint to be finished, new plants to be planted, windows and porch to be washed down. It was too much for one person.

  But for two perhaps…

  "It will be again," I replied simply, earning a brilliant smile from Emma.

  We heard the door open near us, Nathan coming out with glasses of the tea we had brought. He handed them to us and leaned against the railing, looking off towards the garden. He was quiet for a moment, in deep thought as he sucked on his lip. It was difficult not to stare at his lips. The distraction of cold tea helped.

  At least until Emma spoke.

  "Nathan, I must apologize," she said into the silence. Nathan blinked and turned to watch her, waiting for her to continue. She let out a breath and let the words stream forth.

  "I was excited to hear about the gathering last night when John mentioned it. I know you have reservations, after what happened the last time. But I was excited to think that maybe with Katherine there, she could explain to me why the English life is so fascinating to us. I wanted to be able to experience a bit of her world as she has ours.”

  "That is not her world, Emma," Nathan replied, a little harsh.

  She looked down from his heated stare and nodded.

  I watched quietly, not wanting to put my opinion in. I didn't want to get involved with her argument. I didn't really care to go, especially if there was a chance of Sean being there. Or having the Elders judge me for going. Finally he looked at me directly.

  "Is this something you wish to do, Kate? It is part of who we are, but it is not an obligation to become one of us. You have experienced your ways. It will be nothing new for you by going," he asked softly.

  When I didn’t answer immediately, Emma turned and darted for the hill, not looking back when I called out to her.

  "She cannot go alone. And John is a friend with some, but not so much with others that will be there. It is not wise for them to go alone. I will go with you if you ask it," he whispered.

  “Of course I have reservations. But she also wants to go and experience it with her friends. I just don’t understand your hesitation,” I said quietly and watching him for a reaction.

  He glanced behind him towards the house and shook his head, his lips pursed as if still annoyed.

  "We can talk this evening when we sit after supper. It is not a simple answer," he murmured and stepped away just as Jonah opened the door.

  "I will take my mare back to the barn. Will you escort the girls back to the house?" he asked.

  "Emma has already returned," Nathan replied, clearing his throat as he shuffled his feet.

  "Ah, well. Then perhaps we can all go together," Jonah replied and went off to fetch his horse.

  Nathan let out a nervous laugh and waved me off when I looked at him questioningly.

  "Jonah is taking care not to let me stray with you," he chuckled and motioned me inside.

  "Are we doing something wrong?" I asked hurriedly, afraid that perhaps our night walks and quiet moments would be taken away.

  "Do you enjoy your time with me?" he asked, a bit of heat in his eyes as he looked down at me.

  I could only nod; the desire in his eyes was certainly anything but chaste.

  "Then it is not wrong. But Jonah has a watchful eye and would see us behave when he can," he murmured and squeezed my hand as he held the door open for me to enter the house.

  I made my way into the kitchen, putting all of the food and plates back in the basket to take back. When I turned around, he was watching me from the doorway, arms crossed casually in front of h
im as he took me in. I was about to say something when he took a step in and smiled.

  "I do think about dancing with you," he whispered and extended one hand out, asking.

  I laid the basket down and took his hand carefully, watching as his eyes dipped down to between our bodies. One hand in his, the other resting lightly on his shoulder, Nathan started to sway softly, watching his feet as he moved. I had no idea how to dance like this, and neither did he, but our bodies moved together, at a respectable distance. A small smile tugged up on the corner of his mouth and he was moving his free hand to my lower back when we heard Jonah's voice boom out from the front.

  "Let us not dally! Fannie will have supper ready when we return!"

  Nathan pulled away in an instant.

  I grabbed the basket and hurried out, Jonah waiting patiently until Nathan followed along. We escorted Jonah and his mare back to the house in silence, a timid smile on Nathan's lips as he walked beside me. I thought about what he had said about our time together, and had to wonder if maybe going to the party might be a good thing. If we were to go, wouldn't that give us some time alone there? Maybe that was the reason Amish youth went. To be out of their parents watchful gaze to experience those things not permitted. Like being alone together.

  I hoped Jonah wasn't worried about Nathan and I too much. Our evenings together were my favorite part of the day. Surely it wasn’t wrong what we did. Nathan was the kindest and most gentle man I had ever met. He respected me and never pushed himself on me. That couldn’t be bad.

  We separated at the house, Nathan and Jonah heading off to the barn, I retreating into the house to help Fannie. When I entered, Emma and Fannie were talking, and I could tell Emma was frustrated by the almost whine in her voice. The more I interacted with this family, the more I saw that they were much like an average English family.

  Even petulant Emma.

  Amish teenagers and English teenagers were very similar.

  Especially when they didn’t get their way.

  Chapter 20

  "I know you cannot stop me, Mother, but I wanted you to know. I want to go. I will not stray. I will stay close with John," she was saying.

  Fannie shook her head and turned from her.

  "It is your choice. But you know your father and I do not approve. It is too soon. I do not like you going alone with John. I am sorry, but I will worry," Fannie argued.

  "I do not have anyone else. Not since Rachel died," Emma murmured, and had I not known her, I would have thought she was playing a pity card.

  Only I knew Emma had no friends. I knew she was alone in her life.

  Except me, and John.

  And Nathan.

  I sighed and stepped into the kitchen, their eyes looking up to watch me as I moved towards the sink. Emma turned away and busied herself with the plates while Fannie regarded me thoughtfully for a moment.

  "Has Emma not asked you to go, Katherine?" she finally asked.

  I swallowed and glanced at Emma, who pretended to ignore me.

  "Yes, she has," I answered and began washing the dishes from earlier.

  "And you do not wish to go?"

  "I don't know if I should or not," I mumbled.

  Fannie nodded and returned to her work, the matter set aside when Hannah and Mark stepped in, Mark carrying the large basket of clothes for her. She was flushed and grinning and as she looked our way, her smile widened.

  "I will set the clothes upstairs if you like, my wife," Mark announced.

  "I will go with you and help you sort," she giggled and followed him upstairs.

  "Supper will be ready soon!" Fannie called out and shook her head at them.

  We didn't mention the gathering again. I finished with cleaning the afternoon dishes and helped lay out the supper on the table just as Jonah and Nathan entered. Sitting at the table, Nathan tried to continue his conversation quietly with Jonah while we finished serving the meal. Hannah and Mark came downstairs, filling the table just as Fannie brought out the last of the meal. Jonah and the men spent most of the meal talking about schedules for clearing the fields, Nathan growing a little uncomfortable when Mark and Jonah both pledged to help him clear his.

  Emma remained aloof for most of supper, only perking up when there was a knock at the door at dessert. She leapt up and Jonah called out a welcome to John as he stepped in and took off his hat. The table full, Nathan had to slide in closer to me so that we could fit in John to the table. His hand brushed accidently across my knee.

  He pulled it away quickly, murmuring his apologies with mischievious eyes. I somehow thought that perhaps it wasn't so accidental then. Once all the chores were done, we went on our way, John and Emma joining us on the porch. John was stepping off the porch when Nathan touched his shoulder, getting his attention.

  "When is this gathering, John?" he asked quietly.

  I could tell he was nervous, his lips were tight and he was tense beside me.

  John raised his eyebrows in surprise and glanced at Emma.

  "It is on Friday," he replied.

  Nathan nodded and thought for a moment before letting out a heavy breath.

  "If Kate wishes to go, I will go. I know how much this means to Emma. It would be best if we went together, so that she has her friends with her," he mumbled and chanced a glance at Emma.

  She bounded up and hugged Nathan tight.

  "Thank you!" she cried.

  He pulled her away a bit and smiled dotingly.

  "I know you would have wanted to go with my sister, and she would have asked me until I gave in. So I cannot deny you your friend on this journey," he replied.

  She hugged him again before stepping away with John, taking a long slow walk that I knew well. I smiled at the thought of timing them when they disappeared behind the barn.

  "What are you smiling at?" Nathan asked playfully.

  I laughed and patted the seat beside me as I sat down in our swing.

  "Nothing," I replied, and then more softly, "That was very nice of you to do that for Emma."

  He sat down heavily and took my hand in his, rubbing his fingertips into my palm in a quick and nervous rhythm.

  "She needs to see it is not our way. I would rather her see it with us than with strangers. I trust John, I just do not want them to go alone," he murmured and looked out after them as they walked.

  "Will you tell me why you reacted like you did last night?”

  He frowned and glanced my way before pulling me closer, so that he could speak quietly near my ear. His hand remained in mine, his fingers pausing as he spoke.

  "If your world is like that, I am glad you have found a life here," he started and leaned in until his nose nuzzled into my hair. He took a slow breath, inhaling me before he continued.

  "It was not what I expected. So much unabashed emotion, you lead young people like us into that situation and it is overwhelming. And that one night; too much happened that night to make me turn away from this life. So much hatred, so much pain, so much lust. I do not understand it," he murmured.

  "You were there that night, weren't you? The night with Hannah?" I asked, pulling away to see his pained look. He hesitated before nodding.

  "I have never seen Mark upset, before that night. He was not himself. A madness entered his body. He was almost too much for us to manage. I do not blame him for his rage. We forgave long ago. That rage is not something I ever want to experience, but I would if it had been you," he whispered and gripped my hand a little tighter.

  "I'm sorry, Nathan," I whispered. "Does Emma know about what you saw?"

  He straightened up and scowled towards the barn.

  "I will not ask. That was her sister I saw. I would not discuss this if not to help you to understand that it is not something I would like to ever see again," he said and looked away.

  I sat there and wondered how parents would allow their children to experience something like what Nathan had described. I was imagining pure unadulterated drinking and sex and partying, like
the college parties Sean had tried to get me to go to. If it was similar I had to wonder why Emma would want to see it.

  Is that what she thought I had lived through before I came? Did Nathan think less of me because he thought I was like that?

  "I think I want to go now to be able to tell you my life was not like what you saw," I said quietly.

  He tugged on his chin roughly and glanced at me nervously.

  "What if you decide to go back? What if you see that you miss your life?" he asked.

  I laughed, surprising him. I shook my head and pulled in close to him.

  "Nathan, there are only a few things I might miss there. I doubt you will find them at a barn party," I whispered and smiled up at him.

  His brow creased and he reached out to take my hand in both of his and rubbed my wrist nervously.

  "What will you miss?"

  His voice sounded fragile, sobering me up suddenly.

  He was afraid I would leave.

  "I'm not leaving, Nathan. I have nothing to return to. Really. Electricity is nice, but I don't need it to be happy. This place makes me happy. You make me happy," I whispered.

  A small smile crept up on his face and his forehead leaned in to touch my temple lightly.

  "You make me happy as well, Kate," he whispered and breathed me in once more.

  We sat together quietly for some time, his fingers tracing lightly along my wrist and tentatively along my arm, causing goose bumps where he touched. He seemed to be making progress with feeling comfortable around me. I wondered if Jonah had really spoken with him today about me.

  "What did Jonah say today?" I asked softly, feeling Nathan tense slightly beside me before relaxing again and chuckling.

  "He thought I needed a lesson in horse breeding," he said, shaking his head.

  I looked up into his eyes, seeing the bit of embarrassed discomfort there.

  "I would think you would understand that, working on the farm as you do," I said, fighting the smile as he blushed.

  "It does not mean I enjoy speaking about it with Jonah," he explained and frowned suddenly.

  "What?" I asked.