Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  I was starting to feel uncomfortable under his gaze. Nathan knew him, but felt nervous around him, if his tight grip on me was any clue. His fingers were beginning to make my hip ache from the pressure, something entirely new, at least from Nathan.

  "It is good to see you again, Benjamin. Your family misses you. I can send them your regards if you like?" Nathan continued coolly.

  Benjamin frowned and took a step back, shaking his head. He pulled out a joint and rolled it nervously between his fingers, taking another step back.

  "They don't miss me. Naomi is here and didn't even say hello. I get it. Remember, I lived the same as you? Whatever, have a good time. Nice to meet you," he said looking back at me briefly before turning and walking away, lighting up as he went.

  Nathan let out a soft breath and pulled me along, away from Benjamin and towards where Emma and John had gone, into the barn.

  "Who was that, Nathan?" I asked and glanced back to see Benjamin join a couple of other men in the shadow of the barn. One man was Steve; the other was a tall, thin blond man. All three looked back our way briefly before turning to talk amongst themselves and pass around the joint.

  Nathan remained quiet as we walked.

  "Nathan? Who was that?" I asked again.

  "Benjamin Yoder. The Bishop's son," he replied simply and moved us along.

  "So, he left the community?" I asked, wondering how he knew Nathan.

  "Some of us find your world more enticing and never return. Benjamin preferred this life rather than following in his father’s footsteps," Nathan replied forcefully and drew to a sudden stop.

  He shook his head and looked down at the ground.

  "I am sorry. I did not mean to infer your world was bad. It is just that Benjamin was my friend. It is difficult to see him as he is now," he whispered and looked up at me with sad eyes.

  "What happened?" I asked, afraid to ask. I looked back towards where Benjamin had been, but the space where they had stood was now empty. Nathan took my hand and held it tight, pulling us back towards the barn once more.

  "Benjamin went on his Rumspringa early this year, right after my family," he started, pausing at the mention of his family. He cleared his throat and continued.

  "He was considered for taking over for his father when he retired. I was also, as soon as we both were to be baptized, it would be the natural plan for us to be voted in as ministers, and from there, one of us would be chosen as Bishop. When my family died, I stepped away, withdrew. I did not want to talk with anyone. Benjamin tried. He was like my brother. I did not want the reminder of family then. He tried everything. Benjamin even tried to get me to come with him on Rumspringa right after I buried my mother, but I could not. How could I?" he asked, his voice a little rough.

  "So Benjamin went without you," I guessed.

  He nodded.

  "I should have gone with him. Mark told me that he had become friends with some Englishers, the ones who supply these parties. He started drinking in excess, and then soon smoking. His friends worked at the mill with he and Mark, so Mark saw how Benjamin began to falter. So did his father," Nathan continued.

  "I’m sure the Bishop was not happy with his son living the wild English life," I whispered.

  "It was his Rumspringa. That was the excuse at least. But he was overzealous in the lifestyle, openly defying his own life. The final straw for the Bishop was when he found out he had gotten an English girl pregnant. Benjamin was given a choice. Her or the community," Nathan replied.

  "He picked the girl," I said, understanding even more why the Bishop hated me. He expected me to pull Nathan away as well.

  Nathan let out a harsh laugh and shook his head.

  "It was never really about the girl. As far as I know, she ended the pregnancy. Benjamin was in it for the drugs. That one time I came here, that was all he talked about. It was all he wanted me to try. It was tempting, given how I was feeling," he said, his voice trailing off towards the end.

  “Is that who Naomi is? His ex-girlfriend?” I asked.

  He chuckled and shook his head, looking around.

  “No, Naomi is his youngest sister,” he said and then frowned. “The Bishop had hoped I would marry her.”

  “Oh,” I murmured and looked down, realizing just how complicated Nathan’s life was.

  “I was not interested in Naomi,” he said and brushed my cheek with a fingertip, tilting my head up so that he could smile down at me.

  “No?” I asked, fighting my doubts.

  “Like Benjamin said,” he whispered and brushed his lips to mine. “I was never interested in the girls of my community.”

  I smiled into his lips and let him guide me towards the barn ahead of us, his arm wrapped possessively around me. As I looked around, I could now see more of the temptations that were there for the naive Amish as they entered. Beer kegs lined up one side of the barn, couples emerging from the dilapidated stalls, which offered little privacy. A teenage boy near the stalls was handing out condoms to other boys discreetly as they stepped up, their girlfriends sucking down drinks and dancing to the music a few feet away.

  It wasn't only Amish couples; there was a healthy mix of English and Amish walking around. A lot of English men had Amish girlfriends. A couple emerged from one of the stalls, the girl a little disheveled, the boy grinning and holding her close as they made their way back into the party. As soon as they had left the stall, another couple stepped in, disappearing behind the door.

  It instantly made me remember the nightmare about Sean.

  Nathan would never, but there were a lot of boys around looking to find someone willing. All it took was one misstep. I understood better why Nathan wanted me to stay close. All too clearly I could imagine that night with Hannah and I knew she was stronger than me. There was nothing here to protect me.

  Except Nathan.

  As we stepped inside further, I could smell the pungent smell of cigarettes, as well as the more exotic fragrance of pot mixed in. I turned my head away when I saw the heavier drugs in the darkest corner. It seemed every corner of the barn had some vice that wasn't on the Amish list of rules to live by. This was every temptation they could throw at themselves, with no one to tell them no.

  Faith could very well falter amidst so much temptation.

  A band was set up to one side, playing so loudly it was difficult to hear inside the barn. I saw Emma and John near the dance floor, Emma's eyes taking in the entire spectacle. She looked a little overwhelmed. She held onto John a little closer and spoke to him near his ear, shaking her head. I tapped Nathan on the arm and motioned towards them, wanting to stay close to Emma given all the diversions around us.

  I didn't want Emma to end up like Benjamin, or worse Hannah.

  "It is so loud!" she yelled to me when we stepped up to her. I nodded and motioned towards the door leading out the back of the barn. She shook her head and pointed towards the dance floor.

  "I want to dance first!" she said. I glanced at Nathan, who was looking around the room as if danger lurked in every corner.

  It did, and it seemed Nathan knew that.

  Sex, drugs and Rock and Roll.

  This was my world to them.

  "Please, can we dance?" Emma asked again, tugging on my sleeve.

  I nodded, grasping Nathan's hand and moving him to where other couples were dancing. He paused at first, wrinkling his forehead until I smiled and pulled him a little harder and leaned into him.

  "Come on, let's dance," I said into his ear.

  He offered me a timid smile and moved with us onto the dance floor. The music was too fast for my liking, not that I liked to dance at all. I had two left feet when it came to dancing, but Nathan was just as timid as we stood facing one another. Glancing over at Emma, she was giggling and laughing as John held her close and pulled her around the small space, twirling her around with a smile and gentlemanly grace.

  He was used to these parties I supposed, if I understood Nathan right when he had said John
had gone to many of them in the past, after Emma had refused him. It made me wonder if John felt a pull towards this life.

  I hoped not.

  Nathan glanced over at John and mimicked his hands on me, wrapping one arm around my waist, the other taking my hand and holding it to his chest. He pulled me close and swayed softly, ignoring the beat of the music until the band switched songs, slowing it down for the couples to dance closer. Nathan leaned in; his lips close to my ear. I could feel his breath against me as we danced, a gentle exhale as he held me.

  "Your world is so different than ours. It is difficult for me to believe you lived like this," he breathed into my ear.

  I pulled away to look up into his eyes. They seemed so sad.

  "This isn't my world, Nathan. This is the extreme of my world.”

  He looked around at what he could see.

  "You do not have parties like this?" he asked, nodding towards the teens that were drinking from the beer kegs.

  "We do, but it isn't our every day lives. It wasn’t something I was interested in," I explained carefully, not wanting to dredge up those last few times at parties with Sean.

  They were a lot like this, and I had been uncomfortable there. Strangely, I felt much safer at this party with Nathan holding me. Sean had been the danger then.

  "Have you tasted alcohol?" he asked softly, pulling me back to the present.

  "Yes, once,” I said and tried to shove the memories aside.

  “Have you?" I asked in return.

  He frowned and didn't answer me, turning me towards the corner where the smokers hung out.

  "Have you smoked before, Kate?" he asked.

  "No, never. You?" I asked, worried that maybe he had done far more than I had that one time he had come.

  Maybe Nathan was worldlier than me.

  "No," he murmured and pulled me close again. His face was troubled, his entire body tense. "I just wonder what your life was like before. This is what I know of your world.”

  "I haven't done drugs, haven't stolen, and haven’t murdered anyone. I kept to myself mostly, Nathan. I studied hard, and I tried my best to be a good person. This was something that Sean enjoyed, not me," I continued, watching as Nathan's face grew more serious as he listened to me.

  I shook my head and dropped the subject, resting my head on his shoulder to avoid looking up into his troubled eyes. He held me close as we swayed. His heated body against mine made me sweat, the inside of the barn too hot to stay for long. Emma tapped us on the shoulder after a few songs and motioned for the far doors outside, where we could see other people gathered. Nathan nodded and pulled me out into the cool night air.

  Outside, couples relaxed in small patches, talking softly amongst themselves. A few small groups sat together by a small fire, laughing and smiling. This was much more relaxed than inside, but you could still see the beer bottles and cigarettes being passed around. We settled in to a blanketed spot that had just been vacated by a few teens, the couples moving towards the darkened recesses of the yard and out into the corn field.

  "It is too hot in there to stay for long, and so loud," Emma complained as she snuggled into John when they sat down beside us.

  "Do you want something to drink?" John asked softly.

  She nodded and he stood back up, looking down at us in question.

  "Water?" I asked, and Nathan nodded.

  "I will see what they have," he said and slipped back inside.

  "I doubt they will have anything without alcohol," Nathan murmured and pulled me close. He had leaned up against an old post, allowing me to lean against his chest as he relaxed.

  Emma tugged on the grass, her face downturned as she contemplated what she had seen so far. I could tell the party did not impress her. I thought again about Benjamin, and had to wonder how he could choose this style of life over what he had at home. I could only think the drugs must have gotten to him, and maybe his obstinate father. Had his father pushed him away, by his insistence in joining the community? Perhaps the drugs had been a great escape from his father. Associating with an English girl, getting her pregnant must have been the last straw.

  The Bishop would surely see me as a threat if that were the case.

  I didn't see how I would ever be able to win him over.

  "This was not what I expected," Emma said softly, tugging a large clump of grass out of the lawn.

  I waited for her to continue, knowing she had much more to say. She glanced my way and shook her head.

  "I do not believe this is how you lived before you came to us, Katherine.”

  "No, not at all. Our parties are much like this, but this isn't a good representation of how I lived, Emma. Is that what you hoped for?" I asked, watching as she frowned and resumed attacking the grass.

  "I just thought that maybe it would be more fun, having an expert with us. But you are not having much fun either, are you? I like the dancing, but the music is so loud. It's nothing like the music that Nathan listened to," she muttered.

  I craned my neck to look up at Nathan to catch him glaring at Emma.

  "You listen to music?" I asked, curious as to why he would listen to music.

  It was not allowed. He scoffed and shook his head as if to deny it.

  "He has a radio in the barn. He used to sneak and listen to it when he had to muck out the stalls," Emma said, smiling.

  "I do not listen to it anymore, Emma. It is not our way," he replied stubbornly.

  "I liked that music more. You could move to it better. What did you call it Nathan? Oldies? I liked those better," she murmured and tossed another clump of soil off into the dark.

  I continued to look up at Nathan, hoping he would explain, but he shook his head and looked off into the field, his lips tightly pursed. It seemed Nathan still had a lot of mysteries left untold, and with the knowledge that he had listened to a radio made me wonder what other rules he had broken.

  Or what rules he was willing to break.

  I let out a soft breath and looked away from his strong jaw, wishing for more modest thoughts.

  John returned with bottles of water and sat down again by Emma.

  "What did I miss?" he said taking in Nathan's sour face and Emma's bare patch of grass before her.

  "We were discussing how this isn't like my old life," I said and took a long drink of my water.

  "Well of course it is not," John said simply.

  "What do you mean, of course it is not?" Emma said, narrowing her eyes at him.

  He smiled and wrapped his arm around her.

  "Katherine is too soft spoken to be someone from this part of her world. This is what you would expect from a wild party; only she has better sense to stay out of it. Am I correct, Katherine?" he asked, his eyes penetrating mine.

  "You are correct," I said softly, smiling at his perceptive eye. He returned my smile and tipped his drink to me in a silent toast.

  "So you asked me to come so that I could learn that?" Emma asked in a small voice.

  "I wanted you to see this was not the life for you," he whispered softly and leaned in to kiss her.

  She laughed and smacked him playfully on the shoulder, surprising him.

  "I knew that, John! I thought perhaps maybe we could just have fun here, on our own, without my father watching. I knew I would not find this life better than ours. Why would Katherine leave something better than what we have?" she asked, looking over at me for confirmation.

  I smiled and nodded, happy to see that she understood.

  "I do like dancing though," she quipped and pulled John up again, giggling.

  "Are you coming?" John asked us.

  "I think we'll pass," I replied, grasping onto Nathan's hand. "Maybe we'll go for a walk."

  John raised his eyebrow and pulled Emma back towards the barn, holding her close.

  "Stay close, and do not get lost in the corn," he said as he left, Emma laughing when she looked back to find Nathan blushing.

  I stood and offered him my hand. />
  "Want to take a walk?"

  He stood and pulled me close, dipping his head down into my hair.

  "I would go anywhere you wish, Kate," he murmured.

  My heart stuttered at his words, wondering if in fact he would go anywhere with me. Would he really follow me if his world did not work out for me? I pushed that thought aside. There was nowhere I wanted to be more than with Nathan.

  I would go anywhere he would go.

  Chapter 22

  Nathan grabbed the blanket and took my hand, guiding me past couples on blankets trying to ignore the various degrees of undress as we passed. The field drew near, and he walked beside it for a few moments before he spoke. His voice was soft, and trembled a little from his nerves.

  "I do not want you to think I am presumptuous, Kate. I came tonight because I knew Emma would be upset if you did not come. But my reaction to you tonight on the drive might have you assume I have other intentions.”

  "You mean you don't?" I asked, intending on teasing him.

  His brow drew together and he slowed our pace until he pulled us to a stop, taking both of my hands in his.

  "I do not have expectations for tonight, Kate. Only that you have a pleasant time, as well as we can here," he whispered.

  "I understand," I replied and looked down at the ground.

  "Did you have expectations?"

  I let out a soft laugh; embarrassed that maybe I had been expecting something more. I felt his fingertips brush my cheek, tracing down until he could tilt my chin up to look up into his searching eyes. I could see he was nervous, afraid to proceed. He seemed to be asking what I wanted with his eyes.

  I wanted too much.

  "I was hoping for a kiss,” I whispered.

  His eyes crinkled as he smiled and leaned in to kiss me, softly at first. I moved my arms around him, pulling him to me as the kiss deepened. He groaned into me when he felt my body press against him, his body hard everywhere I touched. I felt his hand move until he held my head, not wanting to break off the kiss, our tongues exploring one another slowly. When we did break away, he was panting and holding me tightly against him. This time he hadn't pulled his body away when it reacted.