Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  "I do not wish to go back just yet,” he whispered breathlessly, his hand slipping down my back until it pressed against the small of my back.

  Maybe he did want more.

  I pulled him into motion, closer to the corn and away from the barn. He sucked in a breath and glanced back towards the barn.

  "John did not want us to go far," he said, a little nervous.

  "We won't go far," I said smiling. "Just somewhere a little quieter, for a little bit, okay?"

  He swallowed and nodded, following me closely into the first row. I pushed ahead, the half moon guiding us farther from the noise of the party until Nathan reached for me and pulled me close, his lips moving to my ear, nipping it lightly.

  "I do not wish to go too far," he groaned into my neck.

  I wasn't sure he meant into the corn or with me. I stroked the back of his head, threading my fingers through the hair there. He hadn't worn his hat, allowing me to feel his hair easily. It had grown since I had first met him, becoming a little unruly. He groaned at my touch and his hands clutched at me, one hand moving down towards my back side, while the other moved up to thread his own fingers through my hair at the base of my neck.

  He let out a soft moan when he felt me pull away, stealing my hands away long enough to toss the blanket to the ground and pull the cover off my head. He watched with dark eyes as I slowly pulled my hair free, letting it tumble down into his hand. He tugged me to him and kissed me again, all hesitation gone from his mouth as he devoured me, winding his hand into my hair. His long fingers tangled easily, but I couldn’t care at the moment.

  He lowered me onto the blanket, the heat of Nathan beside me comforting as we continued to kiss. I tugged at him, wanting more. His hand at my hip drew me closer; I wrapped my leg over at his gentle guidance and there we were, closer than we had ever been before. I moaned into his mouth and gripped him harder when I felt him adjust against me, and still he wasn't close enough.

  With Nathan, I always wanted more. I had never felt that with anyone before. He just felt right with me. He pressed his body to me tighter, our bodies perfect for one another. Feeling every part of him respond to me made me moan into his mouth. My hands drifted, more sense memory of my past than anything else, slipping down past his waist. My hand found what it was looking for and slid with gentle pressure over the front of his pants, hoping to give him a little relief.

  Nathan groaned and for a brief second, pressed himself against my hand before breaking away from the kiss abruptly.

  "I cannot. I am not…I want… we should not," he stammered, rolling away and sitting up to scrub his head roughly.

  I sat up cautiously and touched him along the back as it heaved from his breathing.

  "Nathan, I’m sorry," I whispered. "I just got a little carried away. I thought… Please, will you look at me?"

  He shook his head and rocked gently, his arms wrapped around his knees so he seemed curled into himself.

  "I should not have let it go so far," he murmured, still curled up.

  “I’m sorry, Nathan,” I said again, mortified. “I just thought I could ease your tension.”

  He grunted and shook his head.

  “You should not apologize, Kate. I would only disappoint you.”

  "You couldn't disappoint me," I assured.

  He shook his head again and glanced my way.

  "I will disappoint you with my inexperience. You understand this more," he mumbled before clenching his eyes shut. I sat there confused at his statement, trying to understand why everyone thought I was more experienced, in anything. A number of times this evening, I felt like they had expectations of me. Truth be told, I was feeling more inexperienced with each encounter I had with Nathan.

  "Nathan, I don’t know as much as you seem to think," I said and touched him along his cheek, trying to get him to open up.

  "You have been with someone, Kate. You make me want more, but I do not know how to do this as easily as you do. I feel like I might burst, and I do not know how to ease it and yet one touch from you and..."

  "Nathan, look at me," I said, my voice a lot more forceful than it probably should have been.

  But I wanted him to know.

  He glanced up at me, his eyes pained. I cupped his cheek to hold his attention.

  "Nathan, I feel the same things when I am with you. I want to feel those with you," I said.

  He sat up a little, covering my hand in his.

  "You are my first, Kate. My first kiss, the first who has made me want, the first to touch. You have a better knowledge of these things. You have experienced this with," he stammered and blushed when I pulled away abruptly.

  "Why did you have to bring Sean into this?” I whispered, struggling to fight back tears.

  “I am sorry,” he said and reached for me as I stood. I took a step back from him, wrapping my arms around myself protectively.

  “You all have assumed I am so worldly, but have you considered that maybe I haven’t done all you think I’ve done?” I asked.

  He swallowed and held his hand out to me as he sat there, but I had to make him aware of my past- fully.

  “Nathan, Sean and I dated for almost two years, and most of that I was terrified to give anything of myself to him. Believe it or not, I believed in giving myself to someone I loved, and most days it wasn’t Sean,” I said and shuddered at the memory of Sean’s hands on me, of him wanting more of me.

  “Kate.”

  I shook my head and continued.

  “Eight months into our relationship, Sean made it clear that he was done waiting. Do you know what he gave me for my eighteenth birthday?” I asked, watching him shake his head slowly. “A bruised jaw, Nathan. You know why? Because I wouldn’t give him what he wanted. Every time I said no, I received a little something for my trouble. And every time he demanded, I felt myself giving up a little bit at a time. That night, the night I ran? The only reason I pleaded not to give in was because his friends were there, and I had no idea if Sean would stop his friends from….”

  He shifted and reached for me again, and I retreated a step. Instinct always had me retreating.

  “Kate, I would never do that to you,” he said and I shook my head to silence him again.

  “I know you wouldn’t, Nathan,” I whispered. “That’s why I know with you, I can trust my feelings. Don’t you understand that? I feel these things with you that I didn’t with him, and more than anything I want to share them with you.”

  I took his outstretched hand and knelt down in front of him, placing his hand to my heart.

  “Do you feel my heart beating?” I asked, and continued when he nodded. “That’s you, Nathan. I feel this because of you. What we feel is not wrong. What you want, what I want, is not shameful. I’ll go as fast or as slow as you want, because I want this with you. You are my first too, in so many ways, do you understand that?”

  He nodded and looked down at where our hands interlaced over my heart.

  “I promise to never hurt you, Kate,” he whispered and looked up into my eyes, his pledge clear. “I will not let anything happen to you.”

  He let out a long sigh and shook his head, his eyes closing tight.

  “I want more with you. So much more. You are my temptation, Kate,” he said into the night, his voice rough.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered.

  His eyes opened halfway, a lazy grin spreading over his face.

  “Please do not be sorry, Kate,” he murmured and stretched to kiss me. “I only mean that I want this to be more than what we have here alone tonight.”

  “I don’t understand,” I said, looking down at his clearly worked up body.

  He did want me, right?

  “You are more than a thoughtless romp in the cornfield, Kate,” he whispered and tipped his head up to kiss me. “I know temptation. And I know what I want. But I will do this right. I am happy with what we have at the moment. I will not disrespect you because of my desires, Kate.”

 
He kissed me again, slow and sure, relaxing back into the blanket until I could feel the blanketed ground at my back. He let his fingers work their way into my hair, the gentle pressure of his fingertips against my scalp made me hum softly.

  "I like your hair down," he murmured and continued to stroke it slowly as he watched it slip through his fingers.

  “It’s not proper,” I teased.

  His grin widened and he shook his head.

  “No it is not, but I can enjoy this.”

  “One step at a time,” I whispered and kissed him slowly, happy to feel him relax some against me.

  We lay like that for a long time, just taking one another in under the moonlight. My hands explored over his back, his own finding their way along my back and down, pressing me against him over and over, offering a little relief to each of us. Never completely. He was so very tempting, as I was sure I was to him. I was amazed he never pushed further for his own relief.

  With every heated kiss he offered before drawing away to take a breath, with every push of his middle against my thigh and deep-throated groan as our bodies pressed, those would be our temptations not to take it further. But with each touch, we grew more comfortable with one another, until he could lie there beside me, smiling as I had rarely seen him before.

  We returned to the others some time later, finding Emma and John searching for us amongst the groups of people outside the barn. When she saw us emerging from the corn, she took notice of my hair and shook her head.

  "Come on. We have all the corn in the world back at home. I want a little more dancing time with my sister before we have to leave," she said, grinning.

  I scowled at her as she pulled me along, glancing back at Nathan as he ran his hands through his hair, trying to straighten it.

  "I'll remember this when you and John disappear behind the barn next time," I retorted, earning me a wide-eyed look from her. John stepped in to take Emma from me, a wide grin on his face when he looked at Nathan's relaxed posture and my uncovered hair. I shook my head and motioned for the barn.

  "Fine, let's go back to dancing," I said and felt Nathan's arm come around my waist, drawing me close.

  "I like your body against mine. I will miss that after tonight," he murmured and kissed me before following Emma and John up to the barn.

  We slow danced to the music, regardless of the beat. Nathan held me close, groaning into my ear now and again when I would brush into him, feeling him stir against me. I tried not to be cruel, but his hands had become more adventurous as we danced, one drifting lower and lower until he guided me to him with it, just a slight pressure on the top of my rear to draw me in. He kept his head tucked close, laying soft kisses by my ear often. He was much more at ease as we danced together.

  I would have been happy to dance with him all night. Unfortunately, John was signaling us that we had to head back to the car. I sighed and wondered how the night had sped by. It seemed like only an hour or two, but as the thought of going home settled in, the fatigue hit. I fought back the yawns as we slowly made our way towards the car. I was jarred awake when Nathan caught me by the arm and pulled me close, just as I heard his name called out from across the cars.

  "Fisher! What the hell are you doing here?"

  I turned to see whom Nathan was staring at, zeroing in on the thin blond man Benjamin had been smoking with before. Nathan tensed up beside me, wrapping his arm around me a little more protectively. The blond made his way over to us, leering at Emma and me before narrowing his eyes again at Nathan.

  "I didn't think I’d see you again, Fisher. After the last time you were here. Did you keep the ox at home? He and his slut?" the man said.

  "We have nothing to say to you Jeff," Nathan hissed, his eyes shooting daggers at this man. I was instantly on edge by Nathan’s uncommon anger.

  "What? I thought you all were the forgiving kind. That buddy of yours, Mark, is lucky I never pressed charges. You haven't been around, so I thought you guys were done.”

  The blond then turned his attention towards me, his grin lascivious. I instinctively shrank back into Nathan. I knew that look. It was the same predatory look that haunted my dreams.

  “But I see you just needed to bring fresh meat here. Who's this? Is this the new girl some of the girls have been talking about?" he asked, edging slowly towards me.

  I felt Nathan draw me closer to him, shielding me from this man.

  "Forget it, Jeff. We are done with you," John said, his eyes trained hard on the Englisher.

  Jeff put his hands up, pretending to surrender.

  "No big deal. I just thought I would make conversation. Meet the new girl that has stolen Nathan's heart here. Keep an eye on her. Lot's of unsavory people around here. Wouldn't want your little Amish girl to go astray," he said, laughing as he stepped back.

  "I am well aware of the unsavory people here," Nathan grated.

  Jeff chuckled and turned away, heading back up to an English girl with red hair. He glanced back one more time, straight at me and leaned in to talk with his girl beside him. Nathan started moving again just as the girl turned to look for us. And her eyes narrowed. I remembered her. Joanna, the girl that had sneered at me at the Wittmers, nearly a month ago.

  She must have been here on her Rumspringa, wearing all English clothes to fit in. She frowned at me and turned away, speaking with Jeff. I had an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach at her seeing me.

  "Let us go, Nathan," John said beside us. "Steve will be waiting."

  Nathan took one final look towards Jeff, his eyes narrowing before he guided me with him behind John and Emma back towards the car. I chanced a look back, a cold shiver running down my back when I noticed Jeff and Joanna both looking my way. Benjamin had joined them, but his eyes seemed less predatory.

  Maybe a little wistful.

  I turned and tried to put his eyes out of my mind. Because I had to wonder if maybe Benjamin did regret his decision after all. Maybe he wanted to come home, but couldn't. That idea made me incredibly sad, and it made me like the Bishop even less.

  "Are you all right?" Nathan whispered as we neared the car.

  "I feel badly for Benjamin," I whispered, looking back at Benjamin.

  Nathan frowned and glanced back towards the trio in the distance.

  "He chose that life. He chose those friends. We cannot change that," he murmured softly and nuzzled his nose against my temple, as if to calm himself as much as to ease my mind.

  I was quiet as we climbed back into the car, Nathan's hand more sure against me as I settled in. His lips traveled along the base of my neck and he held me close, letting me relax against him as we started off. The other couple had chosen to remain, so there was more room in the backseat, but Nathan had pulled me into his lap, a boyish smile on his face. I couldn't deny him, if it made him happy.

  I watched as Emma slowly fell asleep in John's arms, his eyes watching her lovingly as she slept. He looked up once, catching me watching them and he smiled. I liked John, he was more settled than Emma, and seemed to ground her in a way that suited them both. He wanted the best for her, even if the gathering had been a strange idea at proving to her that the Amish way was the right way. I knew he wanted her to be able to make that choice he had already made. I could see it now; in the way he held her and respected her and that he wanted a life with Emma.

  I tucked into Nathan's shoulder, kissing his neck softly before snuggling in. His arms wrapped around me, a contented sigh from his mouth as he buried his nose into my hair. He was relaxed, and holding me with ease. I smiled into his shirt at that. Small as it was, we had opened up to one another simply by being close, without any pressure to go too far. I had no idea what would come next, what with returning to the prescribed rules of the Way.

  But we would figure it out.

  Together.

  Chapter 23

  I felt like I had just put my head to the pillow when I was getting back up again. Emma lay asleep next to me, but hearing footsteps outs
ide our door, I knew it was close to time to get up. I had to wonder if being allowed to go to the party allowed for us to sleep in.

  I doubted it. There never seemed to be a time when you could sleep in. I stretched and smiled as I thought on the events from the night before. Well, not all of the events. Because that party had been crazy. But my time with Nathan had been spectacular. Last night had been the most carefree I had ever seen Nathan.

  Dancing with him.

  Kissing him.

  Offering him some time alone, for us to explore. Knowing that Nathan wanted to take things slowly, and to respect me. Sean had never done that. Nathan wanted to please me. Maybe that was why I felt more with Nathan. He was willing to explore more with me, rather than being selfish like Sean had been. Nathan was true to his word in that he would never disrespect me.

  I sighed when Abigail stirred and slipped out of bed, going into the bathroom to wash my face and get ready for the day. My shift from the night before hung on the door, still a little damp where I had scrubbed away the dirt from lying in the cornfield. I wondered if Fannie would ask about it.

  I wondered if Nathan would act differently; feel more emboldened now that we had spent some more time exploring one another. I let out a contented sigh and got changed, sure that the day was going to be amazing. Even with little sleep. I was excited to get started, so that I might have the evening alone with Nathan.

  "My daughters are up!" Jonah exclaimed when Emma, Abigail and I stepped into the kitchen a half hour later.

  Emma glowered and moved to get the milk buckets. She had been the difficult one to wake up for a change. Abigail and I had to get her up by jumping on the bed. Fannie came and hugged us tight, relief clear in her face when she pulled away.

  "I am pleased to see you up. We will make a simple breakfast this morning," she whispered.

  "We'll get the cows settled and come in and help, Fannie," I replied, my smile never faltering. I felt like I had so much energy today. Fannie regarded me when she touched my cheek.

  "You have some color in your face today, Katherine," she commented, and I swore there was a twinkle in her eye.