Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  "There is nothing in this world that is as beautiful as you are. The warmth of your body, your fragrance as it fills me with desire. You are my weakness, Kate," he murmured low and kissed me along my jaw, moving to my ear where he could hum softly.

  I felt my smile widen in joy at his words. Even without a pen and paper, Nathan could say the most beautiful things. My desire for him had no limits. It seemed every moment we were together, I loved him more.

  There was no doubt in my mind that Nathan was the man I would spend my days with. I wanted to tell him, to express it openly, but one small part of me was afraid to say it.

  What if the Amish didn't say it?

  Maybe that was why Nathan had not said it.

  Surely he loved me?

  Everything he did suggested it. He had come all this way to find me; I was sure it was love and that he wanted to be with me, committed and together forever.

  "What are you thinking?" he whispered against my ear, his nose tracing along my temple.

  I swallowed and looked up into his eyes as he pulled away slightly to regard me. I let my fingers trace nervous circles along his shoulders while I gathered up the courage to speak the words. It was more difficult than I thought. I had never said them to anyone before.

  "Did I do something wrong?" he asked, his worried brow making my nerves spike.

  "No, no you didn't do anything wrong," I said quickly.

  His brow loosened and his lip turned up in an amused smirk. He slid to the side of me and leaned casually there, propped on his elbow once more while he waited for me to continue. I turned along my side and let my hand toy with the collar of his shirt, avoiding his eyes so that I could say what I knew I needed to.

  It wouldn't sound nearly as poetic as his words, but it was from my heart.

  "You mean so much to me. I'm not sure if I ever thanked you for letting me into your life," I said softly.

  "I must thank you, Kate," he started, only to stop when I placed my hand on his warm lips. He raised his eyebrows at me but let me continue.

  "I mean, you didn't have to. But you took a chance with me. You pursued me and showed me that a man can be gentle and caring. I've never had that. I've never felt what I feel for you," I continued, and felt his lips curve up against my fingers.

  His hand wrapped around mine, his lips kissing my fingers before pulling them away slowly.

  "What we have is a gift from God, Kate. We were both in need of love. And we found it in one another," he replied.

  "Love," I whispered, feeling my throat close up a little at the word.

  He nodded simply.

  "Of course. The love I feel for you is more than I have ever felt. And it grows by the day. From the first day I met you, I knew," he whispered.

  "Knew what?" I sighed, feeling an overwhelming surge of warmth pass through me at his declaration.

  "That you were for me. That we belonged together. That I loved you," he replied, his eyes joyful as he looked down at me.

  "You love me?" I asked hoarsely and let out a small laugh when his eyes crinkled as his smile broke out.

  "Of course I love you," he said easily, his laughter bubbling up from deep in his throat.

  He made it so simple in his declaration.

  Every worry I had fell away at his conviction.

  "I am so in love with you," I breathed and reached up and kissed him hard. I needed to show him just how much he mattered to me. He held me close and kissed me back, moaning into my mouth when he felt me move under him, wanting him closer. He didn’t flinch or jerk away when my legs wrapped around him; instead he seemed to take it as a sign to venture further. The heaviness of his body as he moved over me only made me wish that we weren’t in my father’s house, and that there was less between us. His breath came faster, his mouth urgent like his hips while they moved in time to me beneath him. Wanting more, always more.

  When he finally pulled away from my lips, we were breathless and clutching one another tightly. He hugged me close and rolled over once more, pulling me against him as we rested in the early glimmering of morning. We held one another like that for a long time, Nathan's fingers playing through my hair while I traced lazy patterns across his chest. When the room finally started to lighten, he let out a long sigh and hugged me a little tighter.

  "We should rise if we plan on leaving,” he murmured. I nodded and slipped out of bed, intent on getting the day started.

  Nathan excused himself to the bathroom while I looked through my father's room to find clothes for him to wear. I found an older pair of jeans in the closet, well worn, clean and soft, as well as a few shirts that I hadn't seen him in for some time. Dad had more than enough that would fit Nathan, so before making my way down to the kitchen, I laid out the fresh clothes for him to choose from.

  I smiled at my choices.

  I was growing rather fond of Nathan in those tight t-shirts.

  Four more days and then back to his traditional clothes.

  I grinned at that, knowing I loved him more as an Amish man than in his Englisher clothes.

  Breakfast was nearly ready and I had ventured to make a quick pie dough while he was in the shower. By the time he entered the kitchen, I had started cutting up some of the apples we had bought.

  "What are you making?" he asked, smiling as he looked over my shoulder while I cut.

  "I thought I'd make apple turnovers. They're easier to travel with than pie," I replied, grinning.

  He hummed and pecked me lightly on the cheek before pulling away to pour some juice.

  Finishing up the apples I covered them and threw them in the refrigerator, and pulled out the egg dish from the oven. It was an improvisation of Fannie's, but as Nathan took a bite and grinned, I knew I had managed to make something good. We ate quietly, enjoying the peace for once.

  I set to making the turnovers while Nathan cleaned up. It was a little strange to have him in the kitchen with me. Not that I was trying to separate our gender roles in any way, but I had never truly seen him work in the kitchen. Nathan seemed happy to help, and when he had washed everything I dirtied, he turned and watched me as I made my small triangular pastries.

  "How do you do that with such ease?”

  "What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

  "You are so quick with it. It is natural for you. I watched my sisters do something like this, and they would be much slower," he replied and for a moment I saw that hint of sadness in his eyes in speaking about his family

  I swallowed hard and tried to smile to comfort him.

  "I enjoy this. It's like writing for you I guess. It comes naturally," I replied softly and moved to stick the pan full of turnovers into the waiting oven.

  When I turned to look back at Nathan, he seemed thoughtful as he looked around the kitchen.

  "My mother would have loved you, just as Fannie does. She was not much different than Fannie," he whispered, and frowned. "Perhaps that is why it is so hard to say no to Fannie most days."

  "She loves you very much," I said, knowing just how much Fannie seemed to care for Nathan. She had so much love to give.

  He nodded and offered me that bashful look once more.

  "She was always that way. She was made to be a mother," he said and frowned again, straightening up and looking around once more. "We should pack whatever you wish to take. We do not want it to get too late before we set out.”

  I wanted to know more about why Fannie only had her three daughters. I knew enough about Amish traditions that said that the larger the family the easier the work. I had my theories, but assumed it was rude to ask. I wouldn't push where it was not my place.

  I made my way upstairs into my bedroom, looking around to see what I could bring. I threw my duffel bag onto the bed and dug around for a few shirts and shorts for the trip, Nathan sitting awkwardly by my computer table, fingering the keyboard and trying not to watch as I pulled out bras and underwear. I looked again at the computer and thought about our trip.

  I'd need
a map.

  One last hoorah with technology and maybe I could show Nathan one last thing about this world I had enjoyed but would not really miss. I leaned over him briefly, his eyes widening before turning curious as the computer whirred to life. He eyed the screen as the background sprung up, a picture of the mountains at sunset. I leaned over him as I clicked on the Internet, tapping my fingers as the page loaded.

  Nathan looked up at me and raised an eyebrow, smirking.

  "I wanted to search out our route, get it set and printed so we wouldn't get lost," I explained and moved to sit in his lap.

  He straightened a bit and wrapped one arm around my waist as I settled in to type out directions to home.

  "Do they not make maps anymore?" he asked, fighting a grin.

  "I thought I would show you how they do it in the 21st century," I shot back, laughing.

  He watched as I pulled up the maps page and laid in a course for us. His eyes went from comical to amazement as the map laid out our path.

  "That is impressive! What else can you do?" he asked, looking more closely at the page as I sent the map to print.

  "You can find out all sorts of things on the internet. Think of it as an unlimited resource, like a library," I said and clicked on my homepage.

  "What would you like to know?" I asked, looking down at his contemplative face as he thought for a moment.

  "What should I plant when we get home?" he asked and squeezed me gently.

  "Alright."

  I typed a search on crops for fall planting.

  Nathan's eyes widened at the sudden listing of sites to visit. He leaned forward, his eyes transfixed as he watched me click on a few and read over briefly anything that might be of use. I touched his hand that was wrapped around my waist and slipped from his lap, placing his hand on the mouse and instructed him through the simple workings of the Internet.

  "I can look for anything?" he asked, biting at his lip as he looked up in awe.

  "Just about. But I'll warn you, some things might send you to something perverted. If that happens, don't worry. Just click the little "X" at the top there and start over. There's really too much out there on the Internet. You could get lost pretty easily," I said and laughed when I noticed him blush.

  I patted him on the shoulder and excused myself to check on the turnovers. I glanced back at him as he turned back to the computer and clicked on the next link. Smiling at the wonder on his face I busied myself with putting another batch of turnovers into the oven and packing the few things I wanted from my kitchen to take with me.

  Cook books, my recipe cards from my grandmother of her cakes and casseroles, and the few decent dishes I had bought when I thought I’d have a career in baking. I laughed to myself at the realization that in many ways, my future would include a lot of baking. I found a large plastic container in the front entry closet and emptied it, returning to wrap my dishes up in some towels.

  All my worldly belongings managed to take up most of the trunk, but that was all. We dug out the sleeping bags from the storage shed in the back yard, wedging them into the back as well. I packed us a cooler with drinks and a few sandwiches for the road, and put the turnovers into a secure container. We loaded up the inside of the car, my phone and my mp3 player going on the dash, our pillows and blankets piling up.

  I walked through the house once more, taking in the odds and ends.

  Dad's worn chair. The dust on the television. The ridiculous plaques on the wall for service to the community while on city council. Hardly any family pictures to speak of. Nathan remained by the front door, allowing me to say goodbye in my own way.

  I glanced at the note I had left for my father on the kitchen counter, noticing another piece of paper attached to it. Curious, I picked it up.

  Mr. Hill,

  I feel I should somehow apologize for how we met. It was never my intention to do so under such circumstances. But God works in mysterious ways. Had it not been for events that Kate will put behind her, I would not have met her. And I would have never known love and kindness from such a gentle creature as your daughter. Kate will find beauty and happiness where she is going, I promise you that.

  I give you my word that I will take care of her.

  I will love her, for the rest of my days, as God wishes.

  I am a simple man. But I know what I want. I know what is right. Kate is right in her choice to find love and peace.

  As her father I hope you take solace in that.

  I wish you peace from your demons, and pledge to you that I will respect and honor Kate.

  Forever.

  Respectfully,

  Nathan Solomon Fisher

  On the back of the note, Nathan had left his address.

  Regardless of what Nathan may have thought of him, he had left my father a way to make amends, to remain a part of my life if my father chose to. I took a deep breath and replaced Nathan’s note beside mine.

  His was so much more eloquent.

  But then again, it was Nathan.

  The Amish were right about him.

  He was a faithful and good man.

  And as I locked up the house, he remained at my side, taking my hand tenderly as I stepped away from this life and into his. I sat in the car; looking at the house I had lived in all my life and saw it with different eyes.

  It was no longer home.

  It was the past.

  I gripped the wheel tightly, took a deep breath and pulled out, never looking back.

  We were quiet as we made our way through town, Nathan tracing his fingers over my arm as it rested on top of the pillows that rested between us. It was a welcome feeling as I silently said goodbye to everything I had known here. It didn't take long before we were driving south towards San Francisco, Nathan's hand in mine and the sun above us that peeked out of the trees as we veered east and south towards the Humboldt National Park. I smiled at his wide eyes of wonderment at the trees, as they grew progressively larger, until the Redwoods took over. We pulled off onto Grand Giants Avenue that ran parallel to the 101 freeway, knowing he would enjoy the sights of the large majestic Redwoods there. I opened up the sunroof, and his smile only grew.

  Nathan spent most of his time with his eyes to the skies, blotted out by the tall trunks that were easily as wide as the car, if not more. I had seen the forest many times as I had grown up, but seeing him experience it for the first time brought back all the good memories of my childhood in the trees.

  “They are so big,” he breathed as we passed close to one particularly large redwood.

  “They are hundreds of years old,” I said and recited the history of them to him, having heard the tale so many times on field trips.

  He listened and continued to take in the experience, a bright smile on his face as we drove. At times his hand would squeeze my thigh, and he’d look back at me and grin. This was the part of my world I wanted to share with him. The beauty and majesty of it, and funny enough, he would say that it was all the things God offered that were the things I enjoyed most in showing him. The more I thought on that, the more I began to believe that faith had existed all along inside of me, it only took finding Nathan and the Amish to recognize it.

  We stopped at a small tourist store near the end of the forest, Nathan insisting he buy a few postcards for Emma and Abigail.

  “They will not believe it otherwise,” he said and wrote a quick note on each before putting them in the mail. He tucked the rest in my backpack and relaxed into the seat once more and we were off.

  We enjoyed the quiet for a time as I concentrated on the twists and turns of the road. The coolness of the fog still lingered along the coast, but Nathan still enjoyed the air as it passed across his hand from the window as we continued south. Back and forth along the coast we drove, the sun sneaking in through the fog and the tree line, until the distant city appeared ahead of us.

  And before that the red arches of the Golden Gate Bridge.

  He sat up a little in his seat, marveli
ng at the large structure ahead of us. The lingering fog that was burning off in the sunlight obscured part of the bridge, but the city and the far tower beyond were crystal clear. It was the perfect portrait of how I would always envision San Francisco.

  “Are we going there?” he asked, and I could hear some of the trepidation in his voice.

  I nodded and took his hand that had been resting on my leg.

  “Welcome to San Francisco,” I replied and filed into the line of cars making their way slowly onto the bridge.

  We had arrived in the late morning, and traffic was not as bad as it would have been near rush hour, but it was still slow going across the bridge and into the city. Nathan seemed a little nervous on the bridge, as we felt it sway and rock in the breeze. I held his hand and talked about the things we could do while in the city to serve as a distraction.

  “Chinatown is impressive, as is the wharf. And if you’re hungry there is all sorts of places we can go to,” I explained.

  He swallowed and shook his head.

  I wasn’t sure talking about food while we travelled on a swaying bridge was the best idea, so I changed subjects.

  “There’s a number of museums and places to see here too. We don’t need to drive right through without seeing at least something,” I said.

  “This is where you wanted to study cooking,” he said as we made it to the other side of the bridge. There was a soft smile on his face as he took in the brightly colored row homes, and the hustle and bustle of the cable cars and milling traffic.

  “I love this town. There is always something to do here,” I replied and took it all in one more time.

  “You will not miss this?” he asked and waved to the city.

  I shrugged and thought about it.

  “Probably, but I had given up on it a while ago when Sean wouldn’t let me come down here. I think I can miss it but still appreciate the wonderful things I will have in return,” I said and winked at him.