Healing Faith

by Jennyfer Browne

  Nathan over San Francisco and all its diversions?

  I could give it all up.

  We decided on the Wharf and I parked at the closest parking garage, sensing Nathan’s tension at the underground structure. But as soon as we stepped out onto the street, he was transfixed by all the buildings, and the busy pedestrian traffic all around us. Holding his hand, I guided him down the street, closer to the Aquarium and the few restaurants I wanted to go to. It might be my last chance to get crab or clam chowder, and I wasn’t driving out of San Francisco without some sourdough bread.

  Every new thing caught Nathan’s eye, and I relaxed beside him as he seemed to enjoy himself. I had feared it might be too much for him, but he took it in stride, even though he admitted to not liking the clam chowder much. He stopped to watch the sea lions on the docks, and was particularly interested in the arts and crafts market along the street.

  There were so many things I wanted to show him.

  But so little time.

  Was it wrong to wish for just a few more days with Nathan in my English world?

  Chapter 35

  As the afternoon drew closer to evening, I knew we’d have to be on our way. Getting out of the city would be hard enough with the traffic, let alone wanting to stay and show him everything. He was quiet as we made our way out on the road again, stopping and going in the afternoon traffic towards the Bay Bridge into Oakland. The traffic made my body stiff, and I cringed at the idea that we still had about four hours to go before we made it to Reno.

  I inwardly berated myself for wanting to show him the city, cutting into our precious travel time. The tension of the drive worked through me and I didn’t even realize I was hunched a little until I felt his hand slip up and rub gently on my back, his brow furrowed as he watched his hand move.

  "I should share the load of this trip with you. I feel badly that I am not driving," he murmured.

  I laughed and shook my head.

  "Maybe when we get to Utah. It's all open roads there. But here, it’s all bridges and busy highways. I’m all right,” I said, hoping to ease his worry.

  I let him continue to rub my back lightly. It helped by leaps and bounds. As soon as we passed through Sacramento, the highway opened up and the trees and mountains took over, allowing a bit of peace to wash over us once again on the drive. Nathan talked to keep me occupied as we made the long stretch through the eastern part of the state. He asked about my childhood and more about my mom.

  "Before the depression, she was very attentive. But as my father worked more for the city, she became really detached. She started taking antidepressants and drinking a lot to forget. She forgot a lot of things, sometimes even being a mother," I explained when he looked at me in horror when he learned of one memory where she had left me at the grocery store.

  It had been several hours before she finally made it back get me.

  "But to leave your child and then not worry about coming to get you for hours?" he asked in disbelief.

  “She gave up a lot to be with my father. She quit her job teaching when she had Stacy. She had to always seem put together and the pearl of the community when she went out with my dad. I don’t really blame her for anything. She just couldn’t handle being in his shadow and not appreciated for what she did at home,” I said and thought about how insignificant my father had viewed her role in their marriage.

  “She didn’t want to be just thought of as the housewife. I don’t think she understood just how important her role was for us. We didn’t understand either, until she died,” I said quietly.

  “You said she died in a car accident,” he stated, offering me sympathetic eyes.

  “That was the second time she tried to leave us,” I said and shook my head at how much her life and mine mirrored one another. I had run too.

  “Why would she leave you and your sister?” he asked, shocked.

  I shrugged, which did nothing to ease him.

  “She wasn’t well, Nathan. She was sad and lonely and drank when she shouldn’t. I know she loved us, it just wasn’t the life she wanted,” I replied.

  I had forgiven my mother years ago when I had felt the first urge to run away to San Francisco.

  He finally shook his head and let out a strangled noise.

  "I thought my losses were unbearable. I can tell you love your family, but I can also see why you would leave it behind. You deserved more love than you received," he said quietly, continuing to gaze out the window as Lake Tahoe passed by.

  "I didn't know what I was missing, Nathan. Maybe that's why I don't know if I’ll miss anything I am leaving behind. You knew the love your family had, and that is hard to part with," I said and looked over at him, to see if he understood.

  He turned and I could see the sadness in his eyes over his lost family.

  Something I wanted to ease but had no idea how.

  I didn't know his family at all. We never really spoke of them until this morning.

  "Family is very important in our lives. I can imagine a life without them, Kate. It is what I know. It is not a good life," he whispered and held my hand a little tighter.

  He remained quiet for a while, the daylight falling behind us and the landscape growing more barren as we neared Reno. I wanted to ask him about his family. But I didn't want to do it while we drove. I wanted to give him my full attention.

  He had other plans.

  "When I was a boy," he started, whisper soft, "I thought the world was so simple. We had our school, where we learned a little of your world. But my life was as you see it. My father, my older brothers and I tended the fields, my sisters helped around the house, and it was all very structured. My mother was happy, because she was close to her sister, Fannie. And my father was happy because he had a loving wife and many children. We were prosperous, if not in money, we had an abundance of love."

  "How many brothers and sisters did you have?" I asked, afraid to interrupt, but very curious about the size of his family.

  "There were eight of us in all. My father and mother. David was the oldest, then the twins, Mary and Ruth. Then me, Rachel, and lastly my little brother, Jason," he rattled off and sighed and scrubbed at his hair.

  "I'm sorry. We don't need to talk about this now," I said hurriedly, feeling the tension rolling off of him at his memories.

  He shut his eyes and tried to smile, but it was forced and his voice was tight when he spoke again.

  "It is selfish of me to not tell you about my life. You have told me yours. And I want you to know my family. It is the first time I have spoken of them since they passed," he explained and opened his eyes again with more resolve.

  I nodded hesitantly and he continued.

  "David was much older. My mother had troubles having children after he was born. Something about her childhood had made it difficult. Fannie will not discuss it," he said and frowned as if he had said too much.

  "Is that why Fannie only has three daughters? They’re adopted, aren’t they,” I ventured.

  I had my theories, seeing that the three sisters looked distinctly different from one another, and little like Jonah or Fannie.

  His eyes were distant but he simply nodded.

  I felt even more for Fannie; to have issues with bearing children, with as much love as she had to give. I could understand her open arms to let me stay now so much more. And to have adopted children when they could not have their own, it made me understand her affection even more.

  "My mother lost another son and daughter before Mary and Ruth were born. But with my sisters, she was thankful. Twins run in her family. When I was born, the mid wives thought they would lose her. But she pulled through and a year later gave birth to Rachel," he continued, and smiled fondly at the memories playing in his head.

  "Rachel and I were inseparable. Until Emma came along," he said and smirked at me.

  I could only imagine what trouble Emma got Nathan's sister into when she was little.

  "The winter that Jason was born, D
avid died," he said, his voice heavy with pain.

  "How?" I whispered.

  "Buggy accident," he said simply. "It is more common than not. He was working late and was hit by a drunk driver coming home. Mother was devastated."

  There was so much tragedy and horror in Nathan's life. He wondered about my strength; I had no idea how he had managed to be so kind and gentle. Many would have become bitter and angry.

  "When I was fifteen, I was chosen, along with my friend Benjamin, to be groomed as future deacons of the community, with the hopes that one of us would become the next Bishop if chosen. It was a way to draw us into remaining a part of the Amish way, to offer us an esteemed position upon baptism. My mother was proud. She knew how much I enjoyed following the Word. My sisters would be starting their Rumspringa that summer, so the death of my brother slowly healed as we continued to grow and prosper," he said.

  I waited quietly as he gripped my hand, preparing himself for what I knew was the worst of it. His thumb moved over my knuckles repeatedly. And then a soft breath and the words I knew were the hardest for him.

  "Some say it was the new strain of the flu, others food poisoning. Whatever it was, it was swift and fierce. My father went down first. He grew sick, my sisters following soon after. I had just left on a missionary trip with Benjamin and the Bishop to Minnesota when my father fell ill. But he insisted I go. The harvest was in. Things were taken care of," Nathan said, his voice monotone as if reciting a story in his mind.

  Detached from it somehow.

  But his thumb continued to skirt across my knuckles roughly.

  "Did they go to the doctor?" I whispered, afraid to break him from his trance.

  He shook his head.

  "When I left, it was snowing. We had an early winter. I learned from Jonah that by that first night, it had become difficult to get from house to house, much less into town to the clinic," he whispered.

  "I'm sorry, Nathan," I said and tightened my hold on his hand.

  "Fannie and Jonah did not know my father had died until my mother came to their door, delirious with a fever and Jason dying in her arms."

  He closed his eyes and swallowed again repeatedly.

  "I was called home as soon as Fannie and Jonah learned of their illness. It took me two days by bus to get home. I returned in time to say goodbye to my mother and to bury them," he whispered and pulled his hand away from mine, leaning into the window of the door, letting the wind blow across his face to calm himself.

  I knew of his tragedy. But to hear it now from his lips was too much.

  I pulled off the road, just outside of Reno and stopped the car, tossing the pillows that had been between us to the side and hugging him close. I whispered softly in his ear as he held me, his voice silent but his breath labored as he struggled with the emotions he had held inside for almost a year. When he finally relaxed, he pulled away and closed his eyes as he let his head rest on the back of the seat.

  "I have not talked about that to anyone. I am sorry to let it weigh on you," he whispered.

  "It's what I am here for, Nathan," I said and smiled gently when he opened his eyes to regard me.

  I leaned in and kissed him softly against his cheek.

  "We're here for each other. You came for me. You supported me. Now it's my turn," I said and kissed him again.

  He sighed and hugged me close again.

  "We do not have to hurt anymore, Kate," he sighed into my hair.

  "Never again," I confirmed and let him enjoy the moment of the two of us there on the side of the road as the trucks and other cars passed us by on their way to their destinations.

  When I finally slipped back into the drivers seat, Nathan's hand was firmly gripping mine once more and a gentle smile played on his lips again.

  "Let us make the rest of this trip about happy memories. For both you and I," he said as I pulled back onto the road.

  "I like that idea," I laughed and felt my smile broaden at the idea of happy memories with Nathan.

  I had never been to Reno, but from the lights on the horizon as we drove towards it, it seemed bigger than I had imagined. The bright lights of the city looked similar to the pictures I had seen of Las Vegas, and I wondered how Nathan would feel about staying in such a place. Every sign we passed mentioned gambling, or dancing girls, or shows that made him blink at the suggestive pictures.

  I was too tired to hope for someplace less glitzy though. After driving for eight hours, I was feeling my body's rebelling muscles as I struggled to stay focused on the road leading up to the bright lights. We found a small motel on the outskirts of the city, Nathan chuckling nervously when a woman in bright red lipstick and short shorts tried to proposition him. When she noticed me come out of the rental office, she immediately disappeared wherever she had come.

  I began to wonder if maybe it would have been better to continue on.

  Nathan simply held me a little closer and helped with the key to the room.

  We turned on the lights and looked at our room, clean and quiet despite the glowing lights coming in from the curtains. I collapsed onto the bed, laughing when Nathan flopped down beside me. We lay there for a few minutes, side by side, not touching until I heard his stomach rumble. As much as I wanted to simply get in my pajamas and go to sleep, I knew we needed to eat. I let out a long sigh and groaned as I sat up, looking down at him as he lay flat on his back beside me, grinning at me as I took him in.

  His t-shirt had ridden up, offering me a view of his stomach and hair that disappeared into the jeans that were a little low on his hips.

  I really wanted to stay right where we were.

  I could starve.

  "Hungry?" I asked, meaning every use of the word.

  "Very much so," he replied and chuckled when I blushed.

  He rolled off the bed and took my hand; grabbing the keys and dragging me back outside.

  "We will eat and come back. You need to rest," he replied softly and wrapped his arm around my waist to guide me down the street.

  I was going to miss having his arm around me when we got back.

  I was still thinking about it when we settled in to our table at the restaurant, a small diner tucked next to a brightly lit casino a block from our motel. The waitress took our order and left us alone, Nathan eyeing everything around us curiously as I sipped at my cola.

  "Are you all right here?” I asked.

  He turned from the busy traffic on the street and smiled timidly.

  “This is more like what I see your world as,” he said and laughed softly. “It is very busy here. And the people are distracted by the colors I think.”

  I looked around and took it in as he would. People rushed past in tight clothes, wearing flashy jewelry or talking on their phones, oblivious to the world around them. Even in the restaurant, we could hear the casino noise, with its beeping and clanging of the slot machines. It was a foreign place to me when I looked at it from his viewpoint. Too much noise and not enough peace and nature. I shook my head and returned to stare at his innocent face.

  “I could definitely give this up,” I said and laughed with him all through dinner as we watched people come and go. We didn’t dally while we ate, both of us exhausted from the travel.

  "I'm so tired," I sighed yawning as if to prove my point when we closed the door to our room.

  "We should go to sleep, then. Tomorrow is a long day by your map. Are you sure you want to go that far tomorrow?" he asked as he sat in one of the guest chairs and untied his shoes.

  I dug through the duffel bag and found my sleep shorts and tank top.

  "We have to. Besides, there's not a lot to the rest of Nevada and into Utah. I'd like to get through it as fast as we can," I admitted, scowling at him when he laughed. We both were anxious to get back home.

  I excused myself to the bathroom and changed, brushing my teeth and washing my face quickly so that he could have his time. When I stepped out, he was already changed. Sleep pants and a new t-shirt, and a ba
shful look on his face as he avoided staring at me. I looked down and remembered his reaction to me that one day coming home from town, in my shorts.

  "Sorry, I didn't think," I rushed out. "I'll find my pants and put them on."

  His hand stilled me from digging through the bag, and when I looked up into his eyes, I could see the decision there.

  "It is fine," he murmured and leaned down to kiss me slowly, his hands moving around me to hold me close.

  I felt the heat of him as I leaned in, moaning at the dizzying feeling that coursed through me. He let out a low moan and traced his hand down my hip, fingers splaying across the flesh of my thigh before pulling away to look down at his hand as it fingered the bottom hem of my shorts, just below my rear.

  "I should prepare for sleep," he mumbled but made no move to leave, only stared at his fingertips as they teased across my skin producing goose bumps.

  When his eyes finally turned back to mine, they were dark with need. He leaned in for another searching kiss before stepping away slowly, one hand in his hair. He disappeared into the bathroom, and I all but leapt into the bed, tossing off the blankets and slipping the sheet over my legs.

  He came out a few minutes later, scrubbing at his hair still as he made his way towards the bed. He shut off the light, a soft glow of light peeking in from the curtains, but enough to see him. He slid in beside me, his hand resting gently over my stomach as I moved in to spoon against him. He let out a measured breath and couldn’t help adjusting behind me.

  "We should sleep," he said near my ear although he seemed unconvinced when his fingers flexed along my stomach and his hips pushed gently against my backside. I was tired, but his heat felt wonderful. I took his hand and moved it closer to my heart, feeling his fingers flex under mine when they drew close to my breast.

  "I'm not tired," I murmured.

  "Yes you are," he chuckled and squeezed himself closer against my back, his arousal evident. He let out another soft groan and nuzzled his nose into my neck.

  "We have time, Kate. Sleep, and tomorrow will be a pleasant day," he murmured.

  "Today was nice, with you," I mumbled, sighing at his hot breath near my ear.