What Happened to Us?

by Faith Hogan

  ‘It’s more complicated than that, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Carrie, I have seen complicated, believe me, this,’ he waved his hand across the table, ‘this is a good kind of complication.’

  ‘Yes, I suppose it is.’ And at this moment, she couldn’t help but think there really was no choice, why would she want to go back and work in The Sea Pear when she was so clearly just in the way there.

  ‘Can you tell me why it’s complicated?’ His voice was gentle.

  She took a deep breath. ‘Kevin and I started The Sea Pear together and I suppose that over the years my dreams and his got all tied up with one another, so somewhere along the line… I don’t know, it was like I lost sight of what I was working towards and then…’ Carrie looked about the restaurant. It was full of people who seemed to have normal uncomplicated lives, but what did she know? ‘When Kevin said we were finished, that he was leaving me for Valentina, it felt as if he’d pulled the ground from under me.’

  ‘I can understand that. You needed time.’

  ‘Yes, I needed time. I needed so much more, but I hoped, if I sorted out the things that were important to me, like my home, the rest would kind of fall into place.’ She shrugged her shoulders.

  ‘And is it? Falling into place?’

  ‘I’m not sure. This, here…’ she smiled at Luke, ‘blogging and reviewing, it’s been great. I think I needed something to focus on, you know? Maybe, if things had remained the same with Kevin, I’d never have tried my hand at it, so I think that’s been good…’

  ‘And The Sea Pear?’

  ‘That’s the hard bit.’ Carrie bit her lip, she was still figuring it out for herself, perhaps talking about it would help. ‘I… there was a time when I loved The Sea Pear. There are things about it that I still love, but I have a feeling that I don’t belong there anymore. Things change.’ She shrugged. Funny, but she’d never thought of The Sea Pear as a crutch to get her through the emptiness that had become part of living with Kevin. Now, realising it was very liberating, but scary too, and a range of emotions she hadn’t expected began to play somewhere in her chest. ‘I don’t enjoy The Sea Pear anymore, not like I used to. I’m not sure if that’s because it’s downright miserable having to look at fabulous Valentina each night, or Kevin who acts so smug, he’s like the cat that got the cream.’ She shook her head. ‘The thing is, I’m not sure if I felt a bit… bored of it before Kevin dropped his bombshell.’ She didn’t cry, Carrie was aware that among all the reactions forcing their way to the top of her throat, sadness was not one of them. ‘The more I think of it now, perhaps we were both just going through the motions of living, getting through each day and, certainly, compared to now, I’m not sure there was a lot of joy in any of it.’ She smiled at Luke. It was true, these last few weeks had been tumultuous, they’d been exhausting, just in terms of the range of emotions she’d experienced, but they’d been exhilarating too. ‘I suppose, what I’m thinking is that if I can see light at the end of the tunnel without Kevin, perhaps without The Sea Pear…’ She felt a sense of dawning optimism and it was coming not from Luke or from anyone outside of her, it was coming from deep within her. ‘Perhaps I would be much happier somewhere else? Perhaps, I’m missing out on great opportunities by being tied to it?’

  ‘Perhaps.’ Luke was watching her. ‘I think you have a lot to think about, Carrie.’ His smile broke wide across his face and creased all the way up to his eyes. He moved towards her, brushed her lips gently with his, they lingered there, barely touching each other, and yet the embrace felt so much more intimate than anything she could remember. Then he moved back, perhaps embarrassed because, certainly, Carrie felt a huge upwelling of deep attraction flicker between them in that one intimate moment. ‘I think you’re right,’ he said, eyeing her with a worldliness that threw her for a moment, so she really wasn’t sure what that kiss had meant. ‘There are good things waiting for you, if you give them a chance.’

  *

  Jane woke with the certain knowledge that something, some noise, had disturbed her sleep. For a long, drawn-out second, she lay, perfectly still. It was a bang, the sound of a door being shut too quickly, perhaps the crashing of a load against the pavement. But it was outside and she released a relieved breath before pulling herself up in the bed, enough to check the travel clock. Voices, angry, shouting, but muffled by the wind wheezing through the emptiness of the street below. If she turned on a light now, it would surely draw attention to her, so she stretched her legs into the cold bedroom air and gingerly stepped towards the window in the dark.

  Gently, as if they might hear her very breath, she pulled back the heavy damask curtain, squinted to make out the figures below. There were two men, working against each other to bring boxes from the restaurant. Although it was dark and she couldn’t say why, she thought she recognised them and when they marched back in the front door she felt sure they must have a legitimate reason for being there. After all, burglars break in through windows, don’t they? She watched until they loaded up the final box and drove calmly away into the night, making sure to switch off lights and lock up everything before they left.

  Fourteen

  It was late when Kevin got home, it was his new thing, driving about before he returned to the apartment. It took hours to unwind and somehow, the apartment made him feel empty, an outsider – perhaps it was all too new to relax in. There was a time when he never closed up the restaurant, Carrie was always the last to leave, and it had been their routine since they opened the place. Kevin left when the kitchen was shining like a new pin, Carrie waited until the last customer left and the dining room was tidied for the following day. That had changed since he told her about Valentina. These days, it seemed Carrie couldn’t get out of the place quick enough, with that nuisance dog at her heels.

  That dog was another thing that annoyed Kevin. He suspected Carrie only brought him to work to annoy him. He hated dogs, had always maintained an allergy to keep any notions of one coming into the house at bay. And that bloody mutt didn’t even like him, he could see it in his eyes, he actually bayed at Valentina. Some judge of character he was; Kevin hoped he was a better guard dog.

  He wasn’t sure if the new routine was good or bad. After all, if Carrie was here, digging her heels in at every turn, that would be a real nightmare for him and for Valentina. Jim was right; any other woman would have made his life hell. She was well within her rights to take the business apart if she wanted to. She could demand her share and leave them to it and with the benefit of a few weeks’ thinking time, he wasn’t sure if The Sea Pear would survive without Carrie. The thought was numbing. The wine order debacle was just another example of why Kevin couldn’t manage the restaurant. Even thinking about sorting out that kind of mess inflicted a soft sheen of sweat across the nape of his neck. No matter what had happened, he just wanted it sorted, and sorted in a way that didn’t impact on his stress levels. He hadn’t even asked Carrie about it since, couldn’t face the details being poured out between them.

  He flicked off the low background music that Valentina had left playing in the apartment. Normally, he didn’t notice what was playing on the sound system, but this was a mix of contemporary music, perhaps some people might call it soulful? He preferred the gentle piano pieces that Carrie favoured. What if she decided to leave? What if she was offered a job doing the reviews full time? Would she choose The Sea Pear over the allure of something different? Surely, she would choose the option that meant she didn’t have to face the ruins of a relationship and Valentina each day.

  Valentina. The name played like a sigh in his mind. She made him feel exhausted and it wasn’t because they made love all night. These days, he hardly noticed that she was beautiful. This last week had been one long argument between them and he wasn’t even sure why. It seemed that no matter what he did, he couldn’t get things right.

  His mother was an added pressure. It felt sometimes like he just about touched the pillow at night before he was off again the
following day to sort out her shopping and her various medical appointments. With Maureen Mulvey, you had to tread carefully. She was not, as his father had told him many years earlier, the kind of woman who forgave easily or accepted anything less than exactly what she wanted. Even then, by the time she got what she wanted, invariably it had lost its allure.

  His father. He thought about his father a lot these last few weeks. They never spoke about him, he and his mother. Well, that wasn’t true. Sometimes she mentioned him, but they never really talked about him, not with any sense that he had been a part of their lives. Penny talked about him though. It seemed to Kevin that since he had announced the changes in his relationships, Penny talked about him more than ever, and when she did, her words were warm, her expression softened.

  ‘You never really got him, did you, Kevin?’

  ‘I think we were as close as any father and son,’ he found himself saying defensively, when she called in one day to drop off their mother’s prescription. ‘After all, he wasn’t exactly the most honest man, in the end.’

  ‘Oh, that. You’ve just let that take over from all the other stuff. Don’t you remember, when we were younger, he was the one who brought you fishing?’

  ‘I hated fishing.’

  ‘Oh, come on. You loved going fishing with Dad. He even let you throw them back in, if you didn’t want to…’ Penny had turned vegetarian at thirteen, a phase, their mother called it. Now, she was involved in every animal rights organisation going. ‘And he was the one who made all your school costumes.’

  ‘Don’t remind me. I nearly broke my neck learning to walk on stilts.’ Kevin had managed a weak smile at that. But it was true, his Dad had been the one to bring any fun there was into their home. Suddenly, he was flooded with happy images of his childhood and mostly those were times spent with his Dad. ‘Mum always said it was why he had taken up with…’ even now, he hated mentioning her name.

  ‘Yeah, well, if I was married to Mum, maybe I’d make a run for it too,’ Penny had said, hoicking up her oversized handbag. ‘Anyway, you’re hardly in any position to talk.’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘Well, dumping Carrie – the woman who set you up in this place. Kevin, she all but spoon-fed you your breakfast and look at you now.’

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with me now.’

  ‘Seriously, Kevin, you’ve lost weight. You look dreadful; honestly, you’ve aged about a decade since you split up from her.’

  ‘Well, it’s been difficult, what with Mum and everything.’

  ‘Yeah. Well, I’m sure Dad said the same when he first left Thelma for Mum.’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘Seriously, Kevin, do you not see this?’ Penny had begun to laugh her annoying nasally laugh that they’d all secretly hoped she’d grow out of one day. ‘Thelma Jones is a lovely woman. I know you’ve never given her a chance, but she’s a genuinely lovely woman.’

  ‘Do you still see her?’

  ‘All the time. She lives just down the road from Dad’s old garage.’

  ‘Does Mum know?’

  ‘Kevin, I’m not that dense. Mum would have a conniption if she knew I visited Thelma.’

  ‘So, why do you visit her?’ He didn’t add that it seemed so odd to be visiting their father’s mistress while visiting their own mother seemed to be such a chore to her.

  ‘I visit her because I like her and because Dad loved her. I think he made a mistake. I think he loved her and needed her very much, but his head was turned by Mum,’ Penny finally pulled her phone from the bottom of her bag. ‘Hard to believe, but I think he fell for Mum, hook, line and sinker, because you have to admit that before life took hold of her and she became so bitter, she was quite beautiful.’

  ‘She was.’ He’d always thought that life had been cruel to their mother. It had turned her lovely mouth down, her eyes hard and her face creased with resentment. ‘Certainly, from the looks of Thelma, she was never a beauty.’

  ‘No, but maybe she was beautiful in her own way. That kind of beauty men don’t always appreciate, not until it’s too late, Kevin.’ She’d held his eye for a fraction too long and he wondered if she was trying to tell him something. ‘Anyway, we know Mum never made him happy, and no matter how hard he tried, he never seemed to be able to make her happy either. I think, if things were different, they’d have divorced, but, back then, well, people, our sort of people, didn’t do that,’ she said and, of course, she was right. Even now Maureen Mulvey was a great woman for talking about the mortal sins and the grievous sins. She could rhyme off everyone else’s sins for miles around. The last thing she wanted was a scandal of the sort that would have come with separation or divorce. ‘The truth is, if Dad had divorced Mum, they’d have been the talk of the town and he’d never have done anything to hurt us, Kevin.’

  ‘Do you think that, if things were different, they could have been happy together?’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Mum and Dad – if he’d done something differently, I don’t know, been more successful or maybe made more of her, that they might have had a shot? It must have been hard for Mum, having another woman in the background all that time.’ Kevin wasn’t sure if he was thinking about his parents or trying to figure out his relationship with Valentina.

  ‘That’s the thing, Kevin. Mum won. Mum won Dad over from Thelma. She breezed in and he fell for her. Thelma knew there was no point in hanging about. She headed off to the States for nearly a decade. She walked away, but it still wasn’t enough for Mum. Don’t you see? Some people – you can’t make them happy, because it’s just not in them. For Mum, I’m not sure she ever had the capacity to be happy with what she had, she only wanted what she couldn’t have.’

  ‘But she came back? Thelma, she came back here, worked in the garage with him, that wasn’t exactly going to help Mum and Dad have the happiest marriage going.’

  ‘He begged her to come back. He was on the point of doing something really… not good.’ Penny had put her phone on the worktop before her, giving Kevin her undivided attention, as if he was a toddler she had to impress with vital information. ‘Kevin, Mum almost drove Dad over the edge. He thought about committing suicide.’

  ‘But we never saw…’ Kevin wanted her to stop talking now. He wanted to silence all those things he’d managed to bury over the years. It was enough to pretend they’d never happened with his mother, he didn’t want to dredge it all up again with Penny.

  ‘I know. He was the best Dad, like I said.’ She shook her head and Kevin felt like they had grown up in completely different worlds. ‘He was desperately unhappy. Trapped, and the best and worst of it was he had us. So, there was no leaving, but he couldn’t find anything with Mum to keep him.’

  ‘And she… Thelma, told you all this?’ Kevin knew his voice dripped with sarcasm, but it was all too much to believe. He knew his Dad and he knew that when he’d died and they’d learned about the relationship with Thelma everything seemed to skew. Maureen had, in her own way, rewritten everything about their earlier lives to accommodate the man he seemed to be in light of his relationship with Thelma. Thelma had caused far too much pain for any of them to waste their time thinking about her now.

  ‘She has letters from him. Letters he wrote to her when she was in America. He begged her to come back Kevin. He begged her because she was the love of his life. He just didn’t realise it until it was too late.’ She took up her phone and checked her messages. ‘Anyway, take from that what you will. I’m not preaching, but I have to get to work. Will you drop off Mum’s laundry this evening?’ she pointed to a refuse bag on the floor at her feet. ‘I have to pick up the kids and then head into work.’ She was gathering up her bag and her phone and being the Penny he knew. He felt for a second that was much better than this stranger who knew far more than she should about things that really had nothing to do with them anymore.

  It was almost three o’clock in the morning when Kevin finally
switched off the lights in the apartment and put away thoughts of his parents and Valentina, and yes, he could admit it here in the silence, Carrie.

  *

  Carrie woke early to the sound of traffic stopped on the road outside. Council workers were pulling up wires or pipes and it seemed as though the background engine noise of start and stop had punctuated her sleep for most of the night. She wasn’t hungry, the meal the evening before still made her feel satisfied, but she decided to get up and go for a walk with Teddy. It would do them both good to get some exercise and fresh air.

  Afterwards, there didn’t seem much point in hanging around the house for a few hours so she made her way to the restaurant intending to write up her review of Hoffa’s. It would be a great review. The restaurant deserved five stars, if she was rating it. She stood firm with the paper about the rating system though, she wasn’t giving stars, just an opinion, and then there could be no falling out. The food had been prepared to perfection, the décor charming and the staff solicitous without intruding. Had that been what made the night special, she wondered as she slipped her key into the front door of The Sea Pear. For some reason, remembering the evening before with Luke made her smile, then she gave herself a swift mental prod, it was time to get a grip, they were friends, that was all. He had not asked her on a date; and even if they had almost kissed, the moment passed and, at the end of it, Carrie really wasn’t sure if the chemistry between them wasn’t all one-sided anyway. Luke had said it himself; he didn’t know how long he’d be in Dublin for. He had no plans to settle here or anywhere else for that matter. But still… she couldn’t help but feel that maybe…

  Teddy’s growl pulled her from her thoughts and back to the present. He strained on his lead, drawing her away from the restaurant. She assumed he just didn’t want to end his walk yet. Perhaps he thought he was going to spend all day in the basket she’d placed in her office. The funny thing was, he didn’t stay there all the time anyway. She’d seen him, several times, walk cheekily out the door and wait for a break in the traffic before heading across to The Marchant Inn to stretch out before one of the fires over there. Of course, the fact that Jane kept a jar of treats for him beneath the bar probably added to the allure of the place too. He really had managed to carve his way into everyone’s heart. Well, almost everyone’s heart. ‘Come on, you, we can drop over to visit Jane in a little while.’ She didn’t notice the hair on his back stand taller as he walked reluctantly in the door behind her.