What Happened to Us?

by Faith Hogan

  ‘Ah,’ he said simply and smiled as though she had answered some deep lingering question.

  They sat for hours, catching up the time between the missing brothers, so she garnered what she could in some way shoring it up on Manus’s behalf. Funny, but somehow it made her feel better, as if in the knowing it helped settle his memory in some more peaceful way.

  Orange light danced low on the walls as the dinner ladies made their rounds, an aroma of cottage pie and squeaking trolley wheels heralding their arrival in advance. Luke offered to take Jane back to The Marchant Inn.

  ‘You’ll come again, soon?’ Conn asked hopefully as she leant in to embrace him before she went.

  ‘I’d love to,’ Jane said simply and thought the only sadness was that they had all found each other so late.

  *

  Christmas morning, and snow drifted against the kitchen window as Carrie drizzled a little extra fat across the sizzling turkey. Her garden was a perfect Christmas scene, even a robin came to rest on the fence as she held her breath and inhaled the mixed aroma of cooking lunch and heavy scented mulled spice candles she’d lit throughout the house. She realised that the memory alone of the last few years was wholly depressing. It had been a round of peeling and preparing, timing, serving and then cleaning. Each year, Kevin would exclaim it was his only day off and then he would proceed to act like a spoiled child because the bird wasn’t just how he liked it. Of course, anything Carrie served up would never quite make the mark for Maureen Mulvey either. Secretly, she’d thought for some time, that her own mother might have cried off the day, but she saw it as a way of supporting Carrie as she worked deep in enemy trenches.

  Today, on this lovely snow-covered morning, Carrie felt much lighter than she had in years on Christmas morning. She would enjoy the day ahead. She had made up the two spare rooms and she was looking forward to having her mother and Jane here in her cosy little house. Under her Christmas tree there was a thoughtful gift for each of them, even Teddy had a bow tie and waistcoat to wear for their celebrations. She had every intention of drinking too much and falling into bed when she couldn’t eat or drink another drop. She’d finally conceded and made a fresh tiramisu and chocolate pudding – they would enjoy a little of both before the day was out.

  In the morning, Carrie and her mother rang all the relations they could think of to wish them a happy Christmas and Carrie thought of Maureen Mulvey. She hoped that her day would be happy too. It struck her that she could only wish the old girl well, since she was missing out on what was probably one of the nicest Christmas days Carrie had in years. She wondered, at one point, what Kevin would be doing today. Quickly, she put him, his mother and the dreadful Valentina out of her mind; really, she was much too content to think about them today.

  At around eight, with darkness enveloping the little house and all the curtains pulled tight against the snowy streets, her doorbell rang and she went to open it, not sure who to expect.

  ‘Hey,’ Luke Gibson stood, a little awkward, picked out in the narrow glow of the porch light. ‘Now, I’m here… I…’ and Carrie could see that suddenly he was a little shy. ‘I just thought I’d wish you a happy Christmas.’ He stood on her doorstep; unsure if he should have come at all.

  ‘Oh, I thought you did that yesterday,’ she laughed, the wine and Bailey’s coffee had loosened her humour so she didn’t feel the kind of fear that maybe she could say or do the wrong thing with him.

  ‘Well, I suppose I did,’ he laughed too, but he didn’t sound as if he’d been helping himself to the drinks cabinet. ‘I have something for you and…’ he leant forward and gently kissed her on her lips. He pulled a large shopper from the doorstep and looked apologetically, as though his gifts were some sort of guilty secret that he’d much prefer to hide. ‘They’re just tokens,’ he dug out a parcel, wrapped in paper from the Dublin woollen mills, and handed it to her, ‘a hat and scarf to keep you warm.’

  ‘Aww, that’s so nice…’ Carrie said, touched by his thoughtfulness, because suddenly, it dawned on her, she couldn’t remember the last time she’d got a gift from Kevin.

  ‘Who is it?’ her mother called from the sitting room, intrigued by her daughter’s mysterious caller.

  ‘It’s…’ Carrie shook her head, from the sitting room behind her came the unmistakeable sound of laughter, both Pamela’s and Janes’. ‘You’d better come in or my mother will think I’m hiding you.’

  ‘I heard that,’ Pamela, two sheets to the wind, laughed. ‘Ah, Carrie, bring him in here, he can have an Irish coffee to warm him up.’ Her mother leaned ever closer to the end of the couch, craning her neck to get a look at Luke.

  ‘Oh, God.’ Carrie breathed. ‘I suppose, you’d better come in and see the absolute pigs we’ve made of ourselves?’ She laughed and Teddy yapped, happily delighted to welcome Luke.

  ‘I’ve missed you too, buddy,’ he said as he stood to shake out of his snow-covered jacket. ‘I feel a bit underdressed,’ Luke bent down to admire the little dog’s dapper bow tie, fussing over him, Teddy was delighted.

  ‘Don’t, we’re all a little the worse for wear, but it’s been a lovely day,’ Carrie said as she took his coat and hung it on the hall stand, she couldn’t help but feel it’s chunky softness and suddenly wondered what it would feel like to have his arms about her. ‘How’s Conn? Did he manage Christmas dinner?’

  ‘We made the best of it. We even managed to get down to the day room and pull a cracker or two.’ Luke smiled at a memory made more precious because there was so little time to make many more.

  Carrie placed a hand on his arm gently. ‘I have a feeling we’ve already pulled most of our crackers, but there’s plenty of food and drink, so…’ She stopped, caught her breath while he held her hand and their eyes met, for one long lingering second that seemed to go on for much longer than it should. Carrie felt as if she’d tumbled into an unexpected place. She giggled nervously, saw the same apprehension in Luke’s eyes, and pushed open the door to the sitting room.

  They were a contented foursome, gathered around the little Victorian grate, sipping their drinks as, all around Dublin, families settled into their Christmas night films or games of charades. In Carrie’s little house, it was a night for new beginnings and she very much liked the look of the chapter that was opening up before her eyes.

  ‘So,’ Luke said at almost midnight, ‘I really should be getting back, any more of your hospitality and I’ll be well over the limit,’ he said, yawning as he pushed his way to the end of the chair.

  ‘I’d say you already are?’ Pamela was interested in everything about this new man in her daughter’s life. ‘Where is home?’

  ‘I’m staying in a B&B at the moment, just until I figure out what I’m going to do next.’ He smiled at Carrie.

  ‘That sounds as if there are choices to make,’ Pamela said.

  ‘You could say that all right,’ he sighed now, leant back in the chair again; suddenly he looked tired, perhaps the exhaustion of the last few weeks finally catching up with him.

  ‘His dad’s really ill, Mum,’ Carrie said softly, ‘I don’t think his choices are the kind you think.’

  ‘Today he looked much brighter than he has in ages, I’m putting it down to Jane,’ Luke said softly smiling at Jane who was sitting next to him. ‘Actually, he was talking about you too,’ he nodded over at Carrie.

  ‘Oh?’ Carrie was surprised.

  ‘Yes, it seems that my aunt,’ he emphasised the word, it was one he used carefully, as though he was trying it on for size and liking how it felt, ‘my aunt mentioned that there might be a spare invite going for this posh wedding down in Sligo?’

  ‘Oh, Jane,’ Carrie covered her face, a mixture of embarrassment and amusement. ‘Honestly, you’d think I was an old maid in need of fixing up.’

  ‘Oh, no,’ Luke said very slowly, catching her eye so there could be no mistaking his sincerity. ‘No one is going to think you need anyone to get you a date, but I think she felt it might be
nice to get my father to herself for a few days,’ he shook his head fondly.

  ‘Oh yes, and Teddy – I am hoping Teddy will stay with me,’ Jane smiled as if she had accomplished something she’d set her heart on ages ago and Carrie suspected it had very little to do with Teddy.

  ‘So,’ Luke exhaled a long breath, sweeping aside any jokiness that went before. ‘What about this wedding in Sligo – have you asked anyone along yet?’ He looked over at Pamela who held up her hands in the air, it was entirely up to Carrie.

  ‘Would you really like to come along?’ Carrie asked, trying to read the sincerity in his eyes.

  ‘There’s nothing I’d like more,’ Luke said.

  *

  It was the right thing to do, Carrie knew that, to insist on Luke staying with them for the night. How could she let him go back to a soulless bed and breakfast? He was happy to camp out on the sofa. Even so, when Teddy woke her early, she was surprised to see him standing in her kitchen, in his jeans and T-shirt, hair ruffled from sleep.

  ‘I was just going to make some coffee and slip out for a walk before heading over to see Dad,’ he said, handing her a cup. ‘I can take Teddy as far as the park, if you’d like.’ He smiled at her lazily.

  ‘That would do him the world of good, walk off some of yesterday’s dinner.’ She smiled as she watched the little dog make his way around the garden, hoping to find an unsuspecting cat to pounce on. ‘Actually,’ she spotted the empty tiramisu dish and groaned, ‘it probably wouldn’t do me any harm to join you either.’

  It was a crisp, fresh start to Boxing Day as Teddy ran excitedly ahead of them towards the nearby park. The only prints in the freshly fallen snow belonged to stray birds, who had landed fleetingly in search of crumbs and grubs before taking off again.

  ‘Are you sure about coming to this wedding with me?’ Carrie asked as they crunched along the path.

  ‘Yes, I’m sure. I think Dad really wants to see the back of me, for a day or two, I’ve virtually moved into his room these last few days, so…’ he shrugged. ‘I think he wants to spend time with Jane, there are things he needs to say and I suspect he wants to learn as much as he can about her before it’s too late.’

  ‘Of course. Well, Coole Castle will be very different to Ballyglen,’ Carrie laughed. Luke had admitted that even her couch had been more comfortable than the chair he’d slept in for the last few nights at the nursing home. ‘You won’t know yourself, living like a lord for a few days.’

  ‘Carrie, I have a sense that as long as I’m with you, I’d be happy to dock down anywhere,’ he said softly and he waited, just a beat, as if she might say something more, before turning her towards him and pulling her close to kiss her long and passionately on her lips.

  ‘I…’ she managed when they pulled apart.

  ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…’ Luke said.

  ‘No, it’s me… it’s okay, I…’ Carrie was flustered; she wasn’t sure what she felt. She really liked Luke, she wanted to kiss him, she knew that, but it was all so very soon. Or was it? ‘I…’ she reached out, wanted to kick herself when she saw the hurt and confusion in his eyes. ‘It’s early days, that’s all, I’m a bit…’ then she smiled and wrapped her arms around him. ‘I’m out of practice, that’s all,’ she said and she reached up to his face, bringing his mouth close to hers once more. She kissed him back, slowly and it felt as if she was losing herself in the connection between them. For the first time in her life, something pulled within her, like a magnet drawing her to him. When she drew away, she looked into his eyes and she was glad she had kissed him. It was even sweeter, on this snowy morning that felt as if they were the only two people in this silent city.

  *

  Kevin didn’t want to complain in front of Valentina, he knew it would only make things worse. She had arrived back from the skiing holiday in foul form. It was a bit rich, really since he’d been the one who’d been left behind. Christmas at his mother’s house, just the two of them, talking about her gout over a too big turkey that he’d had to prepare and serve by himself was hardly his best Christmas ever. At the end of it all, his mother had sighed and said it was probably her imagination, but she could have sworn that Carrie made a better job of the turkey after all. Penny and her gang had mercifully cried off and headed to Italy, for a warm Christmas with the in-laws. The whole day, because that was all it was, just one day, had been among the most draining and miserable of his whole life or at least, his life since he’d met up with Carrie all those years ago.

  He felt as though this wedding, this trip across the country was more a sufferance on Valentina’s behalf than what he had hoped. God, he had intended this as a moment of triumph when they would be the perfect glittering couple to make his friends pea green with envy. Valentina had insisted on having several expensive beauty treatments before they left Dublin. He couldn’t help but fret about the cost of all that pampering, but he bit his tongue as they hit the evening traffic at its busiest.

  They arrived later than he would have hoped on the evening before the wedding. The glamping site turned out to be a swampy caravan park in mid construction with a couple of glorified horse trailers with patchwork windows and circular doors on the end. Inside, they were twee and uncomfortable. Kevin had managed to get a single berth, so they would have to sleep toe to head just to fit in the narrow bunk.

  ‘Eet is sheet,’ Valentina said when they arrived. True enough it was a rough-and-ready destination and kids swarmed around the other trailer nearby. ‘Glamping, pah! There is nothing glamorous about eet.’ Kevin knew that passing by the castle on the way to the site had only made matters worse.

  ‘Maybe tomorrow morning, we can go out for breakfast?’ Kevin said in an attempt to mollify her. ‘Somewhere nice, we could have the works, champagne…’

  ‘Keveen, you know I don’t eat breakfast. I can’t face anything first thing in the morning.’ She dug deep into her bag and pulled out a packet of French cigarettes, lighting up one she examined her expensive manicure. ‘Anyway, I weell have too much to do if we are going to this wedding by one o’clock.’ She sighed as if there was still a chance they may not actually bother going at all.

  ‘You’re beautiful without doing another thing with yourself.’ Or, Kevin thought, you would be, if only you’d smile like you did when I met you first. But, he knew, that was unfair, Valentina would be the most beautiful woman at the wedding, he only hoped she’d also be the most gracious. ‘I’ll have to head off up for a little while, Ben asked if we could go through our paces beforehand and, to be fair, I don’t even know where the church is.’

  ‘Eet is in the castle.’

  ‘Yes, but…’ It was true, the church was tucked into the underground belly of the castle, but Ben was nervous, Kevin had heard it in his voice. Ben was one of those guys who’d always panicked unless he knew everything was doubled and triple-checked. He had insisted on hearing Kevin’s speech a week earlier – so Kevin had read each word slowly over the phone, including thanks and jokes that Ben suggested. ‘Anyway, he wants to run through my speech and all that as well, so…’ Kevin would be glad to get out of the trailer for an hour. He couldn’t face meeting anyone with Valentina in the kind of humour she was in now. The more he thought about it, he had no intention of going anywhere near the castle. He just needed to get out of her way. A little time away from Valentina; it would settle his nerves, it seemed now all they did was pick at each other.

  He walked with a sense of limited freedom towards the castle, knowing that for an hour at least there would be no pressure, no one looking to take from him.

  The route for the most part was through a sparse forest, the way signposted as a shortcut. Occasionally, in the darkness, through the trees he caught glimpses of twinkling lights shining out of mullion windows from the great looming castle in the distance. He’d never been a man for old buildings, never been sentimental about heritage and, certainly, any romantic notions of castles or weddings had never burdened his imagination
. Tonight, here in the stillness of the woods with the snowy path picked out in the moonlight he thought he’d never felt such peace. This place, well, it was different. He could sense it, walking through the snow-carpeted woods alone. Passing by trees he could not name, he heard occasional falling leaves and picked up the scent of childhood he remembered from a time before he became the man he is today. Was he a better person then? Probably not, he had not changed that much, but he’d had time to hear the rustle of the world about him and, more importantly, he’d had time to appreciate it. What had happened, he wondered to change that? Maybe it was just getting older? Getting wiser.

  He scratched his chin where unfamiliar stubble itched him slightly. He was getting maudlin; perhaps it was just this place, this day. When they’d talked about coming here, he and Carrie, it had seemed lifetimes away. Closing the restaurant, booking the room, the idea of spending two nights in the country away from the restaurant had somehow seemed like a remote possibility back then. Perhaps that’s what it had remained. They’d never actually made it, him and Carrie. He hadn’t imagined for a moment things would turn out like this.

  Then, something else struck him. This day, this weekend, it would have been the ideal time to propose to her – not that he’d ever have gotten around to it. But, now, he stood, looking at the strong turrets that had cast long fingery shadows upon this place for over four hundred years, and he knew for certain, that this would have been the time. All of their friends were married, they were literally the last pair standing, this would have been the time to take that final step. Kevin felt something stab at him, like a searing pain through his core, he knew what it was, even if he didn’t want to put a name on it. Inside, deep inside, he knew that he was filled with emptiness and it wasn’t just because he didn’t love Valentina – he knew that, in this instant, he didn’t love her, maybe he never had.

  He loved Carrie. There. He said it. He knew it. He’d always known it. What had happened to them? No, that wasn’t the question he needed to ask himself. The question was, what had he done to them? And it wasn’t just how despicably he’d treated her with Valentina, it went back way further than that. He’d been a shit. He’d been a grade-A shit to Carrie from the start and she’d taken it. She’d let him take the credit for the success of the restaurant. She’d cleaned up after him, held his hand when he needed it and generally taken care of him, while he’d… What? What had he done for her in their years together? He’d loaded every single responsibility he had onto her, from looking after his mother to buying his socks. That’s what he’d contributed to their relationship. On the few occasions they’d gone away, he’d left everything up to her. For Christmas, she cooked dinner for their families and made sure that each and every one had a gift that was special and thoughtful and wrapped beautifully. Carrie was the glue that held his world together, she made sure they kept up with friends, she remembered every birthday, every anniversary and every card she sent was from both of them. Kevin knew his contribution had been little more than a paid employee in their restaurant and an exacting spoiled guest in their home.