With the Last Goodbye

by Len Webster

  The truth is, I still want to be a lawyer.

  But right now, my dreams don’t align with my reality.

  I don’t know how to get a hold of my emotions.

  Right now, I don’t know how to go back to Deakin and focus.

  So I’m going to defer my degree for a while.

  I’m actually on my way to Berlin, Germany.

  I think I’m trying to deal with my grief by leaving everyone I love behind. I know it’s wrong, but I have family there and have the chance to be part of it. And I want that more than I want my law degree.

  I just want to feel like I belong.

  So thank you for everything, Jason.

  I appreciate your support and your condolences.

  Maybe when my dreams align with my reality again, I can be your student once again.

  With the utmost respect and appreciation,

  Josie.

  Josie removed a hand from her phone and wiped away her tears. She had unloaded on Jason, but she knew he would understand. Out of all the teachers she had during her bachelor, he had been the one to understand her the most. Josie let out a sigh as she pressed send and a swoosh chimed from her phone. When she returned to her normal inbox, her heart almost wept when she saw Max’s name. Above his email was one from Clara, Stella, and Ally.

  As much she loved her friends, her heart needed Max’s words right now. She nervously bit her lip as she opened his email.

  To: Josie.Faulkner@hotmail.com

  From: MaxwellSheridan@GordonSheridan.com.au

  Subject: All the things you didn’t know about you that I love …

  Josephine,

  When I last saw you, you asked if I could send you an email with all the things you didn’t know about me that you had yet to discover. This might not be what you were hoping for. But instead, what you needed. I’m going to tell you all the things you didn’t know about you that I love …

  You’re beautiful in every way. Not just when you dress up. You’re beautiful when you laugh and cry.

  When you let down your walls and began to trust me, you were so beautiful.

  You have the kindest heart I’ve ever known.

  Your selflessness.

  Your strength.

  The way you look at the world.

  The way you take a different approach to law.

  Your desire to become a lawyer.

  The way you looked when you realised the ballet performance was for you.

  The fact you know how to bake my favourite cupcake.

  The way you kiss.

  The way you whisper my name.

  The way your eyelids slowly fall when you’re tired.

  The way your touch makes me breathless and my chest tighten.

  The way you look at me.

  Just the way you look at me like you’re in love with me.

  Your undeniable love for your mother.

  Your forgiveness for your father.

  Your acceptance of your stepmother and your sisters.

  Your love for Stella and West.

  Your love for those pink marshmallows with the jelly filling.

  Your friendship with my best friends and their wives and fiancée.

  The fact you wanted me, wanted to love me out of everyone.

  The way you sang “La Vie en Rose” to me when you were sick.

  The way you definitely kiss me. It’s worthy of being mentioned twice.

  How you love me honestly.

  How you liked me honestly.

  How you missed me when I was still with you.

  The soft sighs you make when you sleep.

  The way you feel in my arms.

  The way you made me better.

  That you make me feel a love so pure I don’t know how I ever lived without you … How am I going to live the next days and months without you?

  Your love for me.

  Your belief in me.

  How you let me love you.

  How you let me become your La Vie En Rose.

  That you were on that bridge. It was as if you were meant to be there waiting for me.

  That you were the first person to ask me if I was okay in a long time. It was the moment you let me begin to fall in love with you.

  There’s more.

  So much more.

  It’s not everything I want to say, but it’s the most important right now.

  To be honest, it was painful to write this to you because I know you’ll be on the other side of the world when you read it. Miles and miles from where I am.

  I still feel like I’m losing because you’re not with me.

  But then I remember I have your heart and your love, and I don’t feel like I’m losing as greatly as before. Because I know loss. I almost lost you, and I never want that feeling ever again. I don’t want to know that helplessness that I could never get you back. I want you back home with me, Josephine. But when you’re ready.

  This is about you.

  I told you that I’d wait for you, and I will.

  I love you so much.

  I won’t let this break us.

  I’ll see you in a tomorrow.

  Love,

  Your Maxwell.

  “God,” she breathed as she wiped away the fresh set of tears Max’s email had donned on her.

  The smile she made, she couldn’t remove. It seemed so odd, considering she felt an undeniable ache in her chest. Happiness and sadness collided. She was right; she had no idea how to handle her emotions. But Josie told herself that it was okay to feel other emotions than just pain and grief. She was allowed to feel love and hope and happiness. She was allowed to dream of her future with Max.

  Because that was where her reality was heading.

  Her reality would align with Max’s soon enough.

  Exiting her emails, Josie turned on her international roaming and waited for her phone to pick up a service provider. When her phone connected, she watched it fill up with unread messages and missed calls. She ignored them all and pressed on the last number she called while she was in Dubai.

  It rang.

  And rang.

  And rang.

  Josie knew it would be late back home and went to hang up when she heard the phone pick up and some mumbling.

  “Hello?” Max asked, his voice heavy with sleep and confusion.

  “Hey, it’s me,” she said in a soft voice.

  “Christ, Josephine!” The sound of a light switch flicking on came from his end. “I fell asleep. God, I’m so sorry. Are you in Berlin? I’m sorry. I went back to work today and had a pile of contracts waiting for me.”

  She let out a small laugh. “Don’t be sorry, Max. I just landed in London not too long ago. I read your email and had to call you. I wanted to know things about you that I didn’t know.”

  “They are things you didn’t know about me,” he stated.

  “I wanted to know about you, Maxwell. Your likes and dislikes.”

  He hummed. “I know. But you can find that out when you come home. I really want you to come home, Josephine. It’s been a day, and I’m barely functioning. I reach for my phone to call you, and then I remember I can’t. When you rang, I actually reached out for you in my bed. I miss you so much.”

  A tear fell. He and his words were not fair to her heart. “I miss you, too. We never talked about when I’d come home.”

  “I didn’t want you to feel pressured to come home on a particular date.”

  Her chest tightened. “I know. How about we make a deal?”

  “A deal?” The hope that echoed in his voice had her smiling.

  “Yes. How about I come home in the new year? That’s less than three months. Dad said he’d continue to cover my apartment’s bills so Stella doesn’t have to worry about that. I have some money. I can come home for a few weeks to see you.”

  He was silent.

  She could just make out the inhales and exhales he made.

  “I don’t think I’d let you go back to Berlin if you cam
e back,” he finally confessed in a tiny voice.

  The smile she wore faded. “I know. I probably won’t want to either. But why don’t we have that as a way to keep us sane while we’re apart? Sometime in the new year, we’ll see each other?”

  “So three months until I can see you?”

  Josie bit back the grin on her lips. “Yes. Three months,” she confirmed. “We’ll figure it out.”

  Max let out a relieved exhale. “I can do that. So are you ready for Berlin?”

  Josie glanced up at the screen that displayed her flight details. Her flight would be boarding soon, so her call with Max would have to end.

  “I don’t want a life there, Max,” she admitted.

  “I know you don’t. You being in Germany is temporary. We’re talking months.”

  She nodded. “That’s all I can give him. That’s all I want to give him.”

  “He knows that.”

  “I think he’s hoping I might move there. He spoke of family traditions that they’ve had and wants me to join. I’m not ready for all that, but I’m ready to meet Heidi and Angelika. I’m ready to go to Berlin and repair my relationship with my dad. I’m ready. I just wish … I just wish it hadn’t been my mother’s death that brought us together.” Josie turned away from the screen and in the direction of where her father had gone to grab coffee. She could just see him with two takeout cups in his hand and a newspaper tucked under his arm. His briefcase, he somehow managed to hold in one of the hands that held the takeout cup. “My dad’s on his way back. I’d better go.”

  “Okay. Call me—”

  “No,” she said, interrupting him.

  “Why not?”

  “Because you need to sleep. I’ll call you at a more reasonable time. Go back to bed.”

  He let out a groan. “Fine. Good night, Josephine.”

  “Good night, Maxwell. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Seriously, your sisters are going to love you. You’re going to be fine in Germany.”

  I hope so.

  Josie hung up the call, not wanting him to hear the fear and hint of excitement in her voice. If she was confused at where she was right now in her life, she was sure Max was, too. Right now, they had a timeframe.

  Three months.

  They could survive three months.

  A new year and a new start for them both was on the horizon, ready to align with their reality.

  The flight from London to Berlin had been riddled with so much turbulence that it caused Josie to throw up in the bathroom. She wasn’t sure why her nausea swirled. She had been through a lot worse, but even after she threw up, she slumped in her seat and felt a cold sweat line her forehead. Thankfully, a flight attendant had given her a warm towel and a bottle of cold water. Motion sickness attacked her in ways she never experienced before. Her father insisted she go to a hospital the moment they landed, but Josie refused. As the flight seemed to level and go through clearer skies, she felt a little better. What made it even better was the fact that the flight was less than two hours long, meaning she could get off the plane and inhale fresh air.

  But her desire for fresh air was short lived when security stopped her as she reached for her bag on the baggage conveyer belt.

  “Ms Faulkner?” the man in a nice suit asked as her bag slipped from her grasp and would now have to make a full trip around the belt.

  “Yes?” she asked, fearful of what trouble she could be in.

  “I’m Lazlo. I am part of your security team,” he announced. If he had a German accent, it was minor.

  Josie winced, nausea swirling violently in her stomach once again. “Excuse me?”

  “Which one is your bag?”

  She turned around to find where her father had gone to. He said he had to make a call as he got his small suitcase from baggage claim. She couldn’t see him. She had no idea if this man in front of her was legitimately part of her supposed security team. She didn’t even know she had one.

  “I need to see some credentials, please.”

  His lips spread into a smirk. He was young, but she suspected he was still older than she was. Blonde hair and blue eyes. He had a strong jaw and defined cheekbones. Even Josie had to admit he was attractive. She might be in love with Max, but she was not blind. He reached into his jacket and pulled out his credentials, handing them over.

  Josie flipped it over and took in his badge and then his picture. Above it, she noticed Bundespolizei and Polizeiobermeister next to his name.

  She didn’t know German. But she suspected that Bundespolizei was the Federal Police.

  “Pol …” she murmured.

  Lazlo laughed. “Polizeiobermeister is senior constable in German.”

  “Right. Of course, it is,” she said as she handed him back his badge and ID. “My bag has the orange ribbon on it. I don’t need a security team, Polizeiobermeister.”

  He nodded and then reached out and took her suitcase from the belt. “Laz will be just fine, Ms Faulkner. Actually, you do. See, you are a diplomat’s daughter. You are a high-profile woman even if you don’t believe you are. Your stepmother is the daughter of one of Germany’s political candidates for chancellorship. And if the polls are correct, he will be chancellor in a month’s time. You are then considered the chancellor’s granddaughter, and thus, you require a security team. You’ll be in the media a lot from now.”

  What?

  “Ah, Josephine, you’ve meet Lazlo,” her father said, taking her carry-on suitcase from her.

  Josie’s head pounded.

  She had no idea what the hell she had gotten herself into. She knew Johanna’s father was in politics—it was how she and Josie’s father met—but she had no idea that her stepmother would be the German equivalent of the First Daughter. And Josie’s sisters were the First Granddaughters, and by marriage, Josie was the First Step-Granddaughter.

  “I did not sign up for this,” she whispered.

  “Joseph—”

  “No,” she hissed. “I’m tired, Dad. I am so tired. I feel horrible. I want to throw up right now. I have a terrible headache, and you spring this on me? THIS? Is this why you wanted me to come to Berlin?” she cried and tears of anger succumbed her eyes. She knew she was making a scene.

  “No, that’s not—”

  “I left Max to come here!” she cried out. “I left him and all my responsibilities because I thought you wanted me to be a part of your family. Not this! Not to play some sort of political figure. I finally clean up my act, and I’m suddenly good enough for your family. I’m finally presentable to you and won’t disappoint you or the new chancellor.”

  Her father winced. “That’s not true.”

  “Screw you! I followed you here because I thought you finally wanted to be my dad. I buried my mother two days ago. You took advantage of that to bring me here.” Her tears ran down her face as she stepped forward and snatched her carry-on suitcase from her father. Then she lifted the handle up and grasped it. It was awkward, but she managed to pull both in the direction of the exit.

  Hurried footsteps followed her until her father stepped in front of her and caused her to stop.

  “Josephine, that’s not why I asked you to come here. I swear to you, that’s not why I brought you here. I want to be your dad again—”

  “Get fucked!” she seethed. “You have no idea what being my dad means. You played me for a fool. I have to be away from you. I can’t look at you right now.”

  He nodded, his own tears falling down his face. “I’ll take you home—”

  “This isn’t my home!” She raised her voice.

  “I’ll take you to a hotel.”

  Josie shook her head. “No. I can do it myself. Like I have for the past fourteen years.”

  Hurt consumed his face as his lip trembled. Then he nodded. “Lazlo, please assist my daughter to the hotel of her choosing.”

  “Yes, Mr Ambassador,” Lazlo said behind her.

  Josie felt the suitcases pull away from her as she
stared at her father. She didn’t think he could break her heart more, but he did. And she felt so stupid for putting so much faith in him. “I will never forgive you for this,” she promised. “How dare you use me like this. Use my grief against me. Use my desire to get to know Heidi and Angelika against me. Was Johanna’s email even genuine? Or was that part of your plan to get me to come here and support whatever political platform her father has?”

  Her father shut his mouth and said nothing.

  It was all a lie.

  She felt foolish.

  A sob escaped her. “How could you?” she cried.

  The pain that engulfed her didn’t ease his betrayal. She wasn’t sure why she was so surprised. He had hurt her many times before, but this wounded her in ways she could never put down into words.

  “Oh, God, what have I done?” she asked herself. She refused to look at him as she pushed past him and made her way out of the airport, Lazlo not far behind her. When she was outside, the air wasn’t what she needed. It wasn’t as cool as she wanted. It felt hot as she inhaled it, burning her lungs with each breath she took. Josie spotted a free taxi waiting, and she hurried towards it.

  “Ms Faulkner, wait!” Lazlo shouted behind her.

  When she reached the taxi, she turned around to find the German senior constable running with her suitcases besides him. Lazlo stopped by her, removed her handbag that sat on top of her carry-on, and handed it to her. Then he went to the passenger side and opened the door. He bent down and began to talk in German.

  “Danke,” he finally said as he stood straight. Then he reached over and opened the door for Josie. “I told him to drive us to the Hotel am Steinplatz. It’s the best hotel in Berlin.”

  Josie nodded. “Thank you, Lazlo.”

  His lips pressed into a tight line. “I’m sorry, Ms Faulkner. I thought you knew your father …”

  I thought I knew my father, too.

  “The number you have dialled has been disconnected …”

  “What the fuck?” Max breathed as he hung up and tried again.

  And again.

  And again.

  “The number you have—”