Seeing Stars

by J. Sterling

  One of the younger guys rode a small chopper until it ended at the shoreline. He tucked his board under his arm and jogged up to sit in the sand next to me. I almost asked him what he wanted when I noticed a pile of clothing sitting there.

  “Hey,” he said, and I turned to see the hottest pair of hazel eyes staring back at me.

  “Hey, yourself.”

  “Local or tourist?” he asked as he lowered the zipper from his wetsuit and shimmied it halfway down his body, revealing his bare chest.

  “Um…” I hesitated, unsure of how to answer. I wasn’t from Malibu, but I wasn’t a tourist either.

  “Do you live here or are you from out of state?” A towel now sat wrapped tightly around his waist as he pulled the rest of his wetsuit free.

  Hiding my nervousness, I looked away as I said, “I’m from the valley, but we’re staying here all summer.”

  From the corner of my eye, I watched as his tanned feet stepped into a pair of board shorts and he pulled them up just as the towel fell away. “Which house?”

  “The Johnsons’s.” I offered up the information freely, not pausing to consider whether it was safe to tell him.

  “Cool. I live two doors down.” He pulled a black T-shirt over his head and tossed his wetsuit across his board.

  My face lit up at the idea of having met a friend already. And the fact that he was a totally hot guy didn’t hurt either.

  “What’s your name?”

  “Madison. My name’s Madison.”

  “I’m Scott. I’ll see you around, Madison from the valley,” he shouted over his shoulder as he carried his surfboard away.

  “Wanna stay and hang out?” I called out, hoping he’d stop walking and come back to me.

  He stopped and turned around. “I can’t. My mom’s sick and I need to get home. Just wanted to catch some waves before she woke up.” Then he waved and turned to head home.

  “Oh, okay. See you around.”

  I didn’t realize at the time that his mom was terminally ill. Being so young, I’d just assumed he meant she had the flu, or something harmless like that. It never occurred to me to think otherwise. A typical teenage girl, I was naïve and unaware.

  • • •

  My throat parched, I reached for the water on the table and downed the entire glass.

  “You have a thing with water.” Walker smirked, his eyes searching mine, and I wanted to climb across the table and hop into his lap. “I still write songs about that summer, you know.” He bit his lip and my mind suddenly filled with all the naughty things I could do to that lip. And all the naughty things I would do to it.

  My overactive imagination snapped back to reality with a thud. “What did you just say? Which songs?”

  A rosy color crept over his cheeks as he looked down at the crumpled napkin he held. “‘The One Who Got Away’ and ‘That Summer,’ obviously,” he said as he tore at the napkin, placing bits of crinkled paper around the table as his eyes avoided mine. “And then, ‘Where’d She Go and Disappear.’”

  I almost choked on my water at the mention of the last song. I was obsessed with it when it came out, hitting REPEAT on my iPod constantly so I could hear the haunting lyrics and melody one more time.

  She said good-bye that day

  But I never knew she meant it

  I always wanted her to stay

  But the winds of change carried her away

  Forever in my heart

  That girl and I will never be far apart

  But until we meet again

  I’ll keep searching for her and then

  My world will fall back into place

  A moment in time I can never erase

  It happened just like I feared

  She went and disappeared

  Disappeared

  How do you go on when your love has

  Disappeared

  “I love that song the most,” I admitted.

  His eyes met mine. “Which one?”

  “‘Disappeared.’ It’s always been my favorite.”

  His eyebrows rose and he laughed. “Well, it’s about you, so I guess that’s fitting. You never had any idea that the songs were about you?”

  Teasingly, I slapped at his shoulder. “Walker! How could I ever think that? I didn’t even know who you were!”

  Calling him Walker set me back for a moment. I’d gotten used to calling him that, but seeing him now, he was Scotty and he was Walker, all wrapped up in one delicious package. I would always have the memories of Scotty, but it was the man, Walker, that I was so incredibly attracted to, now that I could see him clearly for who he really was.

  He shook his head at me. “But the lyrics, Madison, they’re so obvious. They’re filled with memories that only you and I shared. You never thought? Not even in the back of your mind?”

  I shrugged. “Not really. I mean, I’ve always loved your music. But I never once thought that any of the songs were about me. Especially not with your reputation.”

  He snorted. “I really need to clear up this whole bad-boy persona bit.”

  I leaned over and smiled as I grabbed his hand. “I couldn’t agree with you more.”

  “You’ll help, right?” He tugged at my hand. “Say you’ll be in every paparazzi photograph with me from here on out. Anytime I’m with a girl, it will be you.”

  I coughed and raised an eyebrow. So many things were happening at such a rushed pace. I longed to scream that I’d never leave his side again—that he could superglue us together for all I cared—but that thought alone scared the hell out of me. My lustful feelings for him terrified the logical side of me. The whole situation was surreal, and my head refused to wrap itself around the intensity that my heart pumped out. Was there a way to get both sides of me on the same page?

  A thousand fears suddenly seemed at home inside my already flustered body. It was too much at once. Being here with him in this café, making plans for the future and thinking about the past; I thought I might lose it.

  “Walker. I need to get out of here.”

  “Let’s go.” He bumped his knees against the table and shot to his feet.

  “I meant that I need to get out of here. Alone,” I said as my body stayed still in the booth.

  “Alone?” Panic flashed across his face and my stomach dropped.

  “Just let me process all of this, okay? My life has turned completely inside out in the last twenty-four hours, and I just need…” I shook my head. “I just need some time.”

  “Away from me?” he asked. “I just fucking found you and you want to get rid of me already?”

  “I’m not trying to get rid of you.”

  Not really.

  He reached for my hand before pulling us through the empty restaurant to the hostess stand. “Sorry,” he told her, “but we’re not staying. Can you let our waitress know?”

  The hostess, clearly still flustered, smiled and nodded as she stared at Walker wide-eyed as he pushed the doors open and strode across the parking lot to my car.

  “Don’t do this, Madison. Don’t push me away.”

  I turned toward him and winced at seeing the pain so clearly etched between his furrowed brows. “Walker, please. I just need to be alone.” I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed my palms against them.

  Warm arms wrapped around me and I shook my head, my eyes still covered.

  “Look at me,” he said, his tone soft and pleading.

  I lowered my hands slowly and opened my eyes to watch his face as he struggled to find the words. Seeing the emotions that battled behind his eyes, I tried to pull away from his grip, but he only held me tighter.

  “I don’t want you to go,” he admitted between labored breaths.

  I sighed. “I know you don’t. But this is something I need to do. For me. I just need some time. Th-this”—I struggled to find my voice as well—“this is a lot for me to go through in one afternoon.”

  He released me and paced in the small space between our cars, walking back an
d forth with his head in his hands. I watched him and waited. My need for space wasn’t meant to hurt or confuse him, but I needed to figure things out. He’d had more than ten minutes to process seeing me, knowing who I was and putting all that information together. I needed the same courtesy.

  In the span of a few hours I’d quit my job, and then found out that Walker Rhodes was Scotty, the first boy I’d ever loved. I was abruptly unemployed, thrust into past memories that haunted me, and I wasn’t sure which freaked me out more.

  Walker stopped pacing and leaned his body next to mine, our shoulders touching. The feeling I experienced at his closeness underscored the complete conflict of my emotions—how I wanted his hands all over me, yet at the same time needed to be as far away from them as possible. My heart stitched itself back together in his presence, as my head fell apart in jigsaw-puzzle pieces. How could two instincts inside one body be at such complete odds with each other?

  The silence lingering between us virtually strangled me and I didn’t know what else to say to him. Finally he said, “I can’t lose you again,” and I almost took back every word I had spoken in the last few minutes.

  Almost.

  “Walker,” I said, turning my body so I could face him. I wanted to reassure him that everything would be okay, but I didn’t want to lie. My internal conflict raged within me and I simply needed space. “I’m gonna go.”

  I pushed past him and opened the door to my car. He stepped aside to allow me through, and when I looked up into his eyes, I winced at the pain I saw there. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  “Tomorrow?” he asked through gritted teeth, as though I’d told him I’d call him next year. “No. Call me later. Call me tonight. I’ll be a fucking wreck.”

  I chewed on my bottom lip before shaking my head and repeating, “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  As I stepped on the gas to pull away, he didn’t try to stop me and I didn’t try to stay.

  Driving away from Walker had been more difficult than I anticipated, but it needed to be done. I craved the peace and tranquility of my condo, and I desperately wanted to talk to Keri. This was too much to deal with alone. I needed my girlfriend. Walker and I hadn’t even touched on the fact that I’d lost my job earlier. My head was swimming with fears…fear for my professional life, and suddenly fears for my personal life as well.

  When I finally pulled into my spot at the condo, I was reminded that the paparazzi had me on their radar as a few men loitered around the street, jumping out of their cars the second I arrived. Determined, I gathered my things and shook my head as I walked through them, refusing to look in their direction when they screamed my name and shouted stupid questions.

  I had never realized before how hard it was not to look at someone when they call you by name. It’s like an ingrained response to at least make eye contact or acknowledge that you heard them. Keeping my head down, I unlocked the door and closed it tight behind me before heading out the back toward the far stairwell. Without Walker there to block me, I had no desire to be filmed as I waited for the elevator.

  My phone beeped and I glanced down at it. The text message was from Walker:

  IF YOU CALL ME TONIGHT INSTEAD OF TOMORROW, I WON’T HOLD IT AGAINST YOU. YOU CAN EVEN CALL ME NOW. I PROMISE I WON’T MIND.

  Unlocking the front door with a sigh, I stepped inside and pressed my back against it, sliding all the way down to the floor. Instead of focusing on everything I’d learned about Walker today and his latest text message, I forced my mind to deal with the fact that I’d quit my job and had very little money in savings. I knew I’d be able to get by for at least a few months, but I needed to get a new job as soon as possible. And in this town, it wasn’t going to be easy.

  Competition for everything here was fierce; especially in the entertainment industry. Feeling like I had royally fucked myself, I pushed up from the floor and headed into my bedroom, typing a text message to Keri on my way.

  PLEASE TELL ME YOU AREN’T WORKING LATE. I NEED YOU.

  I wasn’t sure what else to say without freaking her out or losing it myself, so I kept it short and simple. She would assume I was still at the office as well. But I wasn’t. Because I quit my job today, called my boss names, and walked out the door. My phone chirped and I looked down.

  IS EVERYTHING OK? WILL BE HOME AT NORMAL TIME. I’LL BRING FOOD.

  Thank God. The mere mention of food sent my stomach growling. I needed a distraction. Something to keep me occupied until Keri walked through the door, otherwise I might go insane. Heading into the bathroom, I turned on the water and ran a hot bath. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d soaked in the tub, but I needed to relax.

  Turned out that taking a bath had been the perfect escape. My mind slowed as I let the warm water surround and soothe me. Before I knew it, Keri scared the crap out of me by barging through the front door yelling for me.

  “I’m here! Where are you?”

  Water splashed all around as I jumped up and pulled the plug free of the drain. Over the gurgling sound of water being sucked away, I yelled, “I’m in the bathroom. Be out in a sec!”

  Wrapping the towel around me, I scooted from the bathroom to my bedroom so I could get into comfortable clothes. A pair of yoga pants and sweatshirt later, I waltzed into the living room where the smell of food invaded my senses.

  “I’m starving. Thank you so much for getting dinner.” I looked down at the pizza, the order of chicken wings, salad, and garlic knots. “Uh, did you think you were feeding an army? You know just the two of us live here, right?”

  Keri looked over at me with a wary look. I rarely texted her asking when she’d be home, and it was even more rare for me to tell her I needed her.

  “I didn’t know what you’d be in the mood for,” she said, “so I sort of got a little of everything. I can eat it all myself, though, if you wanna bitch about it?”

  I smiled. “First of all, I’d pay a hundred bucks to see you eat all this food yourself. Second, thank you. The pizza looks perfect. I need some comfort food.”

  She looked at me with disapproval. “Only you would consider pizza comfort food.”

  I laughed. “More like me and the rest of America. What the heck do you consider comfort food?”

  “Grilled cheese, soup, macaroni and cheese,” she rattled out off the top of her head.

  “And pizza,” I added.

  After grabbing a slice of pizza, Keri scooped some salad onto her plate and moved toward the couch where I had just sat last night with Walker. “Get over here and tell me what’s going on.”

  I reached for two slices of the greasy, cheesy goodness, grabbed a diet soda from the fridge, and sat next to her on the couch. Wondering where I should start first, I decided to drop the bomb about my quitting. I’d get to Walker later.

  “I quit my job today.”

  She half choked on her food. “You what? Why? What happened?” Before I could respond, she asked, “Oh gosh, what did that asshole do? Does it have to do with Walker? It does, doesn’t it? Everything he did to you is so illegal and he knows it. He’s not an idiot. Ah, this business makes me crazy sometimes!”

  “Are you finished?” I asked between bites.

  She eyed the ceiling like she was contemplating saying more, then shrugged. “For now.”

  After I gave Keri a play-by-play of what happened with Jayson this morning, she raised her hand in the air for a high-five and I slapped it, feeling empowered. “You’re my fucking hero!”

  I laughed and it felt good. “Well, I don’t feel like a hero. I mean, I know that what I did was the right thing to do for me. But now I’m jobless, so I feel more like an unemployed schmuck than anything else.”

  “Being unemployed is a minor detail,” she said as she waved off my objections.

  “Minor detail? You know how hard it was for me to even get that job without having strings pulled. How am I going to get another? It’s tough out there!”

  “You can come work for my dad.”
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  “No, thank you. Maybe as a last resort.” I loved that she was this thoughtful, but I had no interest working in the movie industry. Working with the talent and negotiating on their behalf was definitely the side of the business I wanted to be on.

  “Bitch,” she snapped out with a half laugh.

  “You know production isn’t my thing. It’s your thing. But thank you.”

  “Okay, but the offer still stands. Not that you’ll need it. I have complete faith in your abilities.”

  “In my abilities to tell my boss off and blacklist myself from every agency within a fifty-mile radius?” I took another bite of my idea of comfort food and swallowed.

  “Not happening.” She leaned forward and shook her head. “Oh my God! Wait! How am I forgetting about last night? Girl, you need to tell me all about your date with Walker and how the hell the two of you ended up here!”

  I smiled and a quick laugh escaped from within me at her enthusiasm. My brain didn’t miss the way my heart sped up at the mention of his name, either. “I don’t even know where to start with that one.”

  “There can’t be that much to tell. It was only last night.” She reached for her drink and took a swig before tilting her head at me with a glimmer in her eye. “What aren’t you telling me?”

  My back sank into the cushions of the couch until I could squish myself against it no more. I sighed. “Last night was a disaster. I was a total bitch at dinner, and I let it slip that I was only there because Jayson wanted him to sign with our agency.”

  “Madison in bitch mode is quite entertaining. I like it,” Keri said with a knowing grin.

  “So he told me to leave. Straight up pointed and everything, and told me to leave the restaurant.”

  Her hand flew over her gaping mouth. “Shut up.”

  “Seriously. It was so embarrassing. I walked outside and the paparazzi fucking swarmed me. They were yelling my name and asking my about my job and it was madness.”

  “How’d they even—” She stopped mid-thought. “Jayson told them.”