Real Ultimate Power

by Robert Hamburger

  Stealth

  Ninjas are sneaky and pretty fast; so they can frigg’n book. Make sure you’re good at this.

  Hiding

  During the winter, ninjas wear a white shirt and white pants so they can blend in. And during the summer, they wear a light tank top and shorts. But when hiding during the night, they wear what they had on earlier that day, because it’s dark—so who cares? Hiding is just as important as stealth. They go together like ninjas and guitars. If you have to spy on a victim for hours, you should be hiding—otherwise it’s more like staring, which gets weird after a while. A ninja can hide in anything: closets, toy boxes, backpacks, lockers, whatever. If you want to be a ninja you have got to practice hiding everywhere. And make sure to bring some blankets and a pillow. You might be hiding for over ten minutes and the ground might make your butt sore. Don’t forget some treats either, because you might get hungry and your victim may hear your stomach moan and he’ll look around to investigate.

  Patience

  If a ninja wants to kill somebody, they might have to wait for them to look the other way, which may take a super long time. So a ninja must have patience or they will screw everything up. One time I hid under Mom’s bed all day and peed in a sandwich bag just so I could freak out my aunts when they were changing their panties. But Dad got real mad, because he was embarrassed. And he made me wear the bag to school, which I’m going to tell a therapist when I’m older. He’s thinks he’s so frigg’n important because his job is to make sure that the tuna that goes on the boat equals the tuna coming off, but nobody even cares. One time, he came home smelling like fish super bad and I accidentally covered my nose and then when he saw, he kicked me in the nuts. The best example of patience is old people. They have a lot of patience. That’s probably why they can sit on the toilet for over an hour. I don’t how they can do that. There are some things you can do to increase your patience, but I forgot them. I guess you just relax.

  Energy/Power

  A good ninja always needs energy to flip out. So always keep some treats in your bag for energy.

  But most importantly, you need to keep alert, ’cause you never know what’s going to happen next, and you’ve got to keep cool. Like this one time in class, I was just talking to the guy next to me and, guess what, there were these rich kids sitting in front of class who were shooting spitballs all over the place. One of them shot a spitball at me and it went straight into my mouth! But I just swallowed it and kept talking like nothing happened. It was already in there—so I didn’t want to make a big deal about it. The kids freaked out and didn’t mess with me again. So always be ready, because that sort of thing could happen to anyone.

  To practice all your ninja skills together, here’s an official test:

  1. Find some people.

  2. Make sure they’re preoccupied—maybe they’re looking at the ocean or writing a poem.

  3. Sneak up behind them and squat down.

  4. Now, try to fit one of their fingers all the way into your mouth without them knowing it.

  5. Run.

  If you succeed, you are mastering the ninja skills, which213 is214 a215 good211 thing.216

  Porking

  Ninjas don’t hold hot babes and listen to them complain all night—they pork them. BUT, before a ninja can pork a hot babe, they have get them all hot and ready. They do this through romance, telling them compliments about their blouse, or buying them a dinner platter. But if you don’t want to do any of that stuff, then here are some tips to be romantic like a ninja:

  Pull her hair, but not too hard.

  Wear cologne. Put some on neck and wrists. You can also put some on your shirt.

  Pretend you don’t like her, ’cause if she knows you like her, then you can forget it.

  Make sure you have clean underwear and if you don’t, just turn a dirty pair inside out.

  Talk to other girls right in front of her face.

  Get her to notice you—wear brightly colored clothing or a tall hat.

  Find someone weaker than you and make him look dumb.

  Follow her home and watch out for her, like if some robber tries to attack her, you would just be there, jumping down from a tree, scratching his face, all the while telling her, “Relax and keep calm, I’ve got everything under control.” But if you end up killing the guy and she passes out, just pick her up in your arms and carry her to her house and leave the girl on the porch. Make sure to wrap her up in a blanket and leave a plate of warm food in case she gets hungry. Then, before you leave, put a note underneath her hand that says, “Don’t worry about anything. He will never hurt you again. I cut him up pretty good. If you need anything else, just give me a call. Robert.” But use your name instead, and USE CURSIVE—that stuff is romantic. Then she’s yours.

  Now, if you do all that stuff I told you and you finally get the girl into the basement, you can dry ride her—it’s like making out, but without the commitment. Here’s how:

  1. Find someone you like more than a friend, but less than a wife.

  2. Hang out with them around two-and-a-half times.

  3. Wait till there are no adults around.

  4. Rub your crotches together while wearing pants.

  5. Leave the premises.

  And if somebody’s dad comes home, you can stop immediately without a problem—so, who cares!

  A Ninja Makes a Telephone Call

  Guy: Hello.

  Ninja:

  Guy: Who is this?

  Ninja: Nobody.

  Guy: No, really. Who is this?

  Ninja: Don’t worry about it.

  Guy: Do you want to die or something?

  Ninja: Maybe.

  Guy: Then why don’t you come over and fight me, since you seem to be such an expert on being so tough?

  Ninja: Make me.

  Guy: You called me. So let’s do it.

  Ninja: If we fight, you die.

  Guy: Wait. Could you hold on a second? I have another call.

  Ninja: Of course.

  Guy: Hey, I got to go.

  Ninja: What happened?

  Guy: It’s somebody for my mom.

  Ninja: O.K. Bye.

  Joining a Ninja Clan

  Did You Know?

  In the olden days, ninjas would develop their strength by wrestling with dogs, playing video games, and just plain hanging out. Fortunately, not much has changed.

  In each ninja clan, there is a division of power. Bosses are at the top. Usually there’s only one ninja boss, because it’s easier that way, but sometimes there’s more if nobody wins the fight (draw). Then there’s a secretary who writes down what they talk about in meetings, not secrets though—that would be insane. And the rest of the ninjas are regular ninjas. You can either work alone or you can join a clan. Sometimes, it’s good to join a clan, because you can exchange weapons when you get bored of yours, and you can also change home base every couple days or so. But if you work alone, you don’t have to vote on anything. Plus, you can make your own hours. And if you don’t need anyone in your life, then it’s probably best to work by yourself. Plus, it’s pretty difficult to join a clan. First, you’ve got to know other ninjas, and that’s tough for the obvious reasons. And then you have to get them to like you, which is almost impossible if your mom doesn’t even like you.

  Not everybody can handle joining a ninja clan, though. To get in, you have to eat burning charcoal and pick up hot pans with your bare hands or you can just stick your head in boiling grease for two seconds.

  A lot of people recommend finding a clan that’s older than you, because they can teach you a lot about sniping and secret paths, but those clans are really hard to get into. Besides, sometimes it’s better to join a clan of people younger than you, because you can take over since you’re probably bigger than everybody else. Then they’ll be your personal servants, and you can make them carry you to your next victim and everything.

  There was a younger clan in the neighborhood. I talked to them a couple t
imes, but they were pretty disorganized. So I didn’t even bother. But there was another one that was better, and I asked the leader whether he knew anything about ninjas. He said, “Yeah.” and I was like, “Can you back it up?” and he said, “Maybe.” So I really wanted to get in. But, then, they said I would probably get too excited and screw up a mission. So I was like, “COME ON!” and he was like, “No way! Look how you’re acting now.” And I was like, “This is how ninjas act!” And he was like, “No.” That’s O.K., though, because there’s no way I could take someone like that seriously.

  It doesn’t matter anyway, I choose to work on my own because I don’t like explaining myself, and I always end up doing all the work anyway. So to start your own ninja clan, you have to have a base. It can either be in the woods or made out of blankets. It has to be accessible for dogs that want to be a part of it. You’ve got to have weapons, which I’ll talk about later. And you’ve got to be a217 ninja.218 And219 that’s220 it!221

  The Cooldown Part

  Did You Know?

  0% of ninjas worry about getting their asses beat, while 100% of regular people do.

  There are different ways of expressing oneself. Take my dad, for example. When we go to a Mexican restaurant he will always ask for the hottest sauce. He says, “Get me the stuff that the chef keeps underneath the front seat of his car.” And the waiters would get really scared and hold each other’s hands when Dad would splash his food with it. And then, out of nowhere, sweat would drip all over the table cloth. Sometimes he would even cry. I guess that how he dealt with life or something. Sometimes, I wish that Dad would talk more, express his feelings. But until then, I want him to just keeping eating that damn hot sauce.

  Regardless, nobody can be pumped all the time. Sometimes it’s nice to relax, and I can respect that. So here are a few stories to cool you down in case you have to go to bed or watch a movie or just concentrate. You can even read these with a loved one or your dog, if you like. They’re beautiful.

  Dog Life

  There was this huge doghouse on top of a hill. Nobody had ever been in it, but people knew it was either full of ghosts or dogs. So either way, it was basically off limits. One simple boy was so curious that he decided to find out what was going on up there, but his sister was like, “Wake up, Zach! Let sleeping dogs or ghosts lie.” And it made sense to him. So the kids never went up there. And they ended up dying when they were really old, like normal people.

  Flying and Laughing

  White smoke is everywhere. Plus, there’s soothing music. And way up in the air, a hippo is flying and smiling down at the people below. He’s laughing. Everybody is clapping, because the hippo makes them all feel so good. “That damn hippo is something else,” one girl says. “He’s so frigg’n nice.”

  “Yeah, I know. One time, my older brother went up to him and told him he was a stupid butthole right to his face. Guess what the hippo did?” said one kid.

  “What?” asked the girl.

  “Nothing. Isn’t that hilarious? He didn’t do anything.”

  “Are you serious? He didn’t even get mad?”

  “Nope. That hippo is nothing but a worthless piece of crap. He doesn’t even know what it means to be alive. In fact, he’s so concerned with gaining acceptance from others that he has failed to form anything resembling a personality.”

  “I heard he can’t slam dunk either,” the girl said.

  “I’m not surprised.”

  Fields of Rice

  There is this Chinese guy, right? And he’s just sitting on bench. Nobody understands why he’s sitting there, but he just is. Then, when a nice, happy family with a good father and good mother stroll by with their skinny, fit children, the Chinese guy looks up at them and smiles. And then BOOM! he explodes and rice flies all over the place. The family doesn’t say a word and starts running. Their weekend is ruined. After everyone chills, several animals approach the bench where the rice lay. The hippos are the most scared, but also the most intrigued. They sniff, look around, and sniff some more. “What do you think?” one says. “I don’t know,” says another. Finally, one hippo, the brave one, whispers, “Let’s eat that rice.” And most do. As the rice lay in their stomachs, it wiggles, causing a warm feeling inside. They leave the scene and go back to a field where they lie down in a pile of clean grass. It’s warm outside, but there is a nice breeze. They have nothing to do for the rest of the day, so they stare over the field.

  Space Flip

  There’s these aliens who want to blow up the Earth one day. So they capture a bunch of hippos and take them up to space. The aliens are like, “Please, act like how you did on Earth so we can study you, NOW” But the hippos can’t because they are so scared. They just pile up in the corner of the spaceship and moan. So the aliens fill their ship full of plants and parents and toys and lake water, but nothing seems to work. The hippos just sit on top of each other, looking out the window back at Earth, afraid of falling. But, before the hippos start to think that space sucks, they look to their left to see another animal there with them—a dog covered with human hair! The hippos and dog talk all day about dog bones and whatever hippos eat—who cares? But while the aliens are doing something stupid, the dog gives the hippos a secret note that says, Maybe it’s time that these aliens learn what hippos are all about. After secretly reading the secret note, the hippos secretly look right in the dog’s eyes. And they see flames, but those flames are really a reflection of what in the hippos’ eyes. Then the pump-up music really begins. The audience will see the aliens drinking coffee in the control room, laughing about how wimpy the hippos are. And they’ll hear a little knock at the door. “Sounds like a wimpy knock,” says one stupid alien. The music will get louder and harder when the alien walks toward the door. Then, as he opens the door, the music stops and dark smoke pours in real slow. Then a huge scream comes out from the smoke, which makes one alien spit coffee all over his bib. The hippos explode through the fog and pump-up music busts out hard, too. The hippos go nuts, like all these juices are pumping through them and it won’t stop and they start rocking the spaceship, hard. They trample down the aliens sitting in their high chairs and smash them into the wall till their bones explode. Then the hippos run around the whole damn spaceship, causing it to flip around in space, and everything is falling off the shelves and the hippos are falling all over each other, but they don’t care, because they are crazy and they know it. Then one hippo jumps up and grabs a chandelier and starts spinning around and screams,

  “Yo, homies! WE’RE GOING HOME!” The spaceship starts flipping harder and harder and its rocket boosters are going crazy and it starts crashing down toward Earth and then WHAM! they land in this gigantic pond. The door pops off and the aliens jump out because of fear, but they drown right away because they never even heard of water. Welcome to Earth, assholes. And then there is this badass guitar wailing. Wonder where that’s coming from? The hippos calmly come out, one by one, all wearing sunglasses and leather jackets. They just walk out of the spaceship, smirking, and don’t give a crap. But something very special happened that day. While beating the crap out of the aliens, each hippo, individually and collectively, realized the universe is there for them to destroy and remake as their own and that to exist, they have to take responsibility for their own vibrations and energies not by controlling them, but by becoming aware of them and, most importantly, respecting them. And later, the hippos had a huge party at the lake with pizza and everything. But it ended early because some idiot kid threw a beach ball at a girl’s face and her nose crumpled.

  Sometimes even when a ninja is relaxed, he’s pumped, because that’s the way it is. And if you want nice and relaxing crap, go read another book or go to hell, ‘cause222 I’ll223 bite224 your face off.225

  Ninja Kicks: Try Them Now226

  Did You Know?

  If you get in an actual fight, don’t get angry because that’s disrespectful, BUT if you start losing, then go crazy.

  Remember the old
saying, “If you know yourself and the enemy, you’ll never lose. If you only know yourself, you’ll win maybe half the time. BUT, if you don’t know the enemy or yourself, you’re a frigg’n idiot.” Part of the ninja’s nature is kicking. They can’t escape it. For extended periods of time, not-kicking can often lead to resentment, guilt, and impaired relationships. So if you want to be a ninja, you’ve got to figure out what you need, what’s important to you, and if it’s kicking then you’ve got learn the three main kicks: the front kick, side kick, and roundhouse kick. Know how to do them well.

  The Front Kick

  One of the first kicks you should learn is the front kick. This kick is simple but complex. And it’s great for nuts. Start with one foot forward, with the other eight to twelve inches behind. Keep your feet about shoulder width apart (fig. A). Put your weight on your rear leg. Lift your front knee up high (fig. B). Lean back a little bit and extend your leg, but do not hyperextend the knee (fig. C). Strike target with the ball of the foot. Return your foot to the ground so you can frigg’n run.