Real Ultimate Power

by Robert Hamburger

  Targets: Nuts and butts

  The Side Kick

  Start with your feet shoulder width apart or closer (fig. A). Transfer weight to the right leg. Lift your left knee up high and inward towards your body (fig. B). Now, lean slightly to the right at the waist and rotate your right foot pointing toe away from kick. Now, extend your left leg outward, but do not hyperextend the knee (fig. C). Lower right arm to the side (for balance and looking cool). Rotate hip forward. Strike with the blade of the foot (side) and toes pointed down. Return left foot to side position. Follow-up with another kick or frigg’n book.

  Targets: Bellies, neck, and chins

  Roundhouse Kick

  Start with right side facing target, feet shoulder width apart, and right foot forward. Transfer weight to the right leg. Begin turning towards target, weight on front leg. Lift left knee close to the body. Unload the right knee as turn is executed to avoid knee injury. Rotate right foot, pointing left toe away from kick. Lean slightly to the right at the waist. Point left bended knee at target. Extend left leg outward, but don’t hyperextend the knee. Lower right arm to the side (for balance). Rotate left hip forward. Strike with the top of the foot and toes pointed down. Place left foot down wider than shoulder width. You should be facing opposite from start (left side facing target).

  Targets: Butt flaps, bikini lines, and lips

  You can practice your kicks on trees or you can pile a bunch of pillows on top of each other and wrap them in a blanket so they don’t fall over.

  How to Make Your Own Ninja Suit out of Stuff

  Anybody who needs somebody needs a ninja suit. Ninja suits are basically made out of cloth and buttons. Every ninja has one. Most of them are black so they can blend into the night. And if your baby-sitter gives you one because you guys are “homies” but out of nowhere he brings some other kid over who he’s been baby-sitting all along when you thought you were the only one and you feel cheated and have to rip the suit into chunks because you know that the other kid could never afford one and you want to see him cry, then watch out because baby-sitters only make you feel empty227 at228 the229 end230 of231 summer.232 Anyway, the best place to start for a ninja suit is Gramma. Just tell her you actually want black pajamas this Christmas. But if your gramma is dead from stomach cancer after eating aspirin everyday, you should probably just make your own. Personally, I prefer to make them myself and anyone can, if they have the passion. You just go find some black cloth and sew it all together and it should look like this when you’re done.

  Make Your Own Badass Ninja Weapons

  Did You Know?

  Nobody can kill a ninja, so if two ninjas started fighting each other, they would probably malfunction and start beeping and smoking.

  In the olden times, ninjas weren’t allowed to carry around real weapons. The local governments made having weapons illegal, because they said so. So, basically, they had to make their own to protect themselves from burglars. In this section, I’m going to teach you how to make your own weapons, too.

  The difference between dying and not-dying might be your perspective. Like, most people, when they look at a pencil, they just see a simple pencil, but a ninja, when he looks at the same exact pencil, he sees a super skinny school bus whose wheels popped off. Now, look around your own room for possible weapons. Anything will do. You could knock someone’s tooth out with just a simple marble or you can whip their back with a jump rope.

  Now, let’s get started with making some real weapons.

  Ninja Stars

  When hanging with their clan, ninjas generally don’t toss around real metal ninja stars. ’Cause if one ninja does it, then everybody’s going to do it, and then some lamp gets busted and everybody has to go home and then what? They use paper stars that you can —make, too. All you need is a sheet233 of234 paper235 and236 a237 little238 bit239 of240 anger.241 Just242 follow243 the244 picture 245 on the right246 for247 REAL248 paper249 stars.250

  Boner

  My ultimate fantasy would be like this: The scene would open up to no smoke. There is a back yard just laying there. The camera moves around and sees this hot babe sitting on a chair, sunbathing. She’s very, very hot. Plus, it’s summer outside—so she’s even hotter. Then the audience will see that she’s getting hungry, so she gets a banana from her purse. And just when she opens the banana peel, BOOM! the fence behind her explodes. The camera goes all crazy and jiggles and there’s smoke everywhere. The babe looks over and sees a gigantic hole in the fence with smoke pouring out. Then music starts pumping up hard. I walk out of the smoky fence-hole real slow, wearing a crotchless gorilla suit. The babe drops the banana and we pork all night long.

  Sometimes parents are too busy with themselves to talk to their kids about sex. Maybe this happened to you. Maybe it didn’t. I don’t know. Or sometimes they’re just too shy to talk about pee-pees and wee-wees. So maybe you’re the one who has to start the conversation and teach them. You can start it from an event you both see—try taking them to the zoo and watch the animals hump. But make sure to use the coolest names for the body parts. This will put them at ease. And make sure you’re approachable, too. Wear light fitting clothing. Cologne doesn’t hurt either. My main point is that if you don’t talk to them about sex, your parents may never ask. Teaching a parent about porking can be pretty tough, but you can begin with one of the hottest topics alive—the boner. Ninjas have the best ones and everybody else’s is just “not bad.” And don’t worry if yours isn’t normal. There isn’t really any normal. If yours looks different than the other kids in gym class, that’s O.K. And if yours isn’t as big as theirs either, that’s O.K., too! You probably have special talents they don’t have. Maybe you can climb the rope faster than everybody else or you’re super smart. But if you’re not the smartest or tallest, maybe you can do the splits in the bathtub and there isn’t anybody else who can do that. So they can shut their mouth.

  The ninja would never pork somebody who would just use them for their own personal benefit or who would say they like you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much, but only like you thiiis much. And if you want to be a real ninja, you should only mate with someone who likes you for YOU, not because you can slam dunk or smoke or have a driver’s license—that’s ludicrous. If you have trouble getting started, here are some qualities you should probably look for in a mate:

  Has to be good at video games (maybe not all of them, but a good amount)

  Doesn’t care if room is messy, ‘cause it really doesn’t matter in the end

  Living in an aquatic city has to be a possibility, but she can’t be obsessed with it—that might be a turnoff

  Good at cards, but not too good

  Nice

  Friendly

  Doesn’t have a beard, but if she does, then it has to be temporary

  Likes chili

  Good at kites

  Knowledge about robots and time travel is a plus, but isn’t a necessity

  Likes dogs (will let them French face or ears)

  Won’t yell at you

  Doesn’t have club feet, but if she does, has to be able to hit a baseball with them

  Doesn’t get drunk, puke, and make you clean it up with your beach towel

  Won’t slap you in the mouth

  Will be your mate till one251 of252 you253 dies254

  That’s255 it!256

  A Ninja Makes a Telephone Call

  Guy: Hello

  Ninja: Hey.

  Guy: What do you want?

  Ninja: Just called to see if you enjoyed getting your ass beat?

  Guy: Wouldn’t know.

  Ninja: Yeah, right. I beat your ass so bad, you must have forgot.

  Guy: Maybe, I beat YOUR ASS so bad YOU forgot!

  Ninja: The only thing I forgot was how stupid you are, but you just reminded me. Thanks.

  Guy: What kind of person gets their ass beat and then turns around and thinks they beat somebody’s ass?

  Ninja: You.

  Ninja S
word

  The scene opens up to about a billion pirates laughing their asses off. What could they be laughing at, the audience will probably ask. All the pirates look SOOO confident. The audience will then see the back of a ninja, facing all the pirates. His uniform is pure black. He’s alone and he doesn’t even blink, but the pirates do and when they start thinking about blinking and their eyes being dry, they can’t stop. Then one pirate runs over and hands the ninja a note. He opens it up and it says, “There’s no way you’re going to beat the pirates. You’re just one retarded ninja and there are so many of us and we’re awesome.” The ninja calmly folds up the piece of paper and places it in his front pocket. Then he takes out a pen and writes them a letter that says, “Yeah, right.” He folds it hard and throws it at the messenger’s face and it cuts his forehead. Then the pirates take turns reading it and they get so mad. Finally, one pirate rips it up, because he’s so full of anger. All the pirates start running to kill the ninja. As they run toward this lonely simple ninja, pump-up music starts playing slowly. Everybody is running at him real slow. The ninja pulls out his sword and his hand grips it so hard that blood drips from his knuckles, and when the blood hits the ground, grass starts exploding in slow-mo. Then the ninja digs his feet into the ground and the pirates get their toys ready. And, as they’re about to get the ninja, BOOM! the ninja swings his sword so hard, a nuclear explosion happens right on one guy’s frigg’n face and pump-up music comes harder than it was playing earlier and the ninja grows about a thousand feet tall and his suit grows, too, and the pirates’ butts pucker because of fear and the ninja’s voice sounds like an angry monster and WHAM! he would just frigg’n stomp on the frigg’n wimps and they would explode so hard. And the ninja chases them down a hill where they start slipping because it rained earlier and the ninja starts cutting down mountains and mountains start screaming and he sees the last bunch of pirates crumpled up in a pasture, squealing, and the ninja bends over and starts munching on them like a crazy cow. And then the ninja slams his sword in the ground and flies off into space because no one understands him and the sword is still there somewhere in that silly pasture where a bunch of animals sniff it and don’t even understand what the hell happened on that badass Sunday.

  Now, I bet you can’t stop thinking about ninja swords. I will never stop thinking about them. The best way to express your feelings about somebody you don’t like is to cut off their head. That way, there’s no misunderstanding. Oh, hello, didn’t you say that I’m the only kid you’ll ever baby-sit? Oh, you don’t go around town and baby-sit anybody with two legs? Then BOOM! That neck is spitting sap all over the front lawn. And, oh, you want to be buddies till we die? That sounds really nice. Oh, wait, you changed your mind? I understand. And then I start punching you until my hand breaks through your chest and I rip up all the cords. And oh, we’re not having spicy chili tonight? Nobody cares what I want for dinner? Then how about I stomp on your face till it looks like spicy chili and then I’ll eat it in a fancy restaurant full of people just begging to hang out with me.

  Ninjas don’t mess around and lie to you like certain people do. Ninjas kill people. And even if they kill you, at least you know how they really feel about you. And isn’t that worth dying for? I mean, everybody has to die of something. Everybody. And I don’t know about you, but it would be a lot sweeter if my gravestone said, “A sweet ass ninja killed this badass kid,” than if it said, “This moron choked on a plum.” So if you have any brains, you should probably pick the first one. But that’s just my personal opinion.

  Now, if you can’t find a sword laying around your house, you can probably use something else. The bad part is that you have to hit somebody A LOT to kill them with a fake sword, but sometimes that isn’t a problem. To make a fake sword, you can either cut one out of cardboard or just use some plastic knives. I would prefer to use cardboard because you can make a much huger sword, but sometimes you just want to have small257 ones258 so259 you260 can261 fit262 them263 in264 your265 backpack.266

  When Ninjas Die

  Before a ninja leaves his house, he’s got to be fearless. There’s so much to be afraid of: bats, monsters, clowns, kidnappers, and floating eyes. But everybody’s afraid of dying, which is weird because death happens to everyone. It would be like being afraid of peeing in the shower—it’s gonna happen, so why get all crazy about it?

  I used to be really scared about dying when I was younger. But, listen homey, there isn’t much to worry about. I mean, think about when you were in your mother’s vagina, before you were born. Everything was fluffy and warm. Nobody was yelling at you; and if they were, it was muffled and funny sounding. And I bet you were pretty cranky and afraid when you had to come out. But now, if I were to ask if you wanted to go back, you’d say, “No way! That would be sick.” Well, that’s kinda what heaven’s like—you’re afraid to go, but once you get there you don’t want to come back to Earth, because it would be like sticking your head back into your mom’s vagina. So when you look at it that way, there’s really not much for you to be afraid of, since you’ll enjoy heaven in the end. And guess what, in heaven, parents are a faux pas. And ninjas and kids can hang out whenever they like. And in heaven, you use your mind to do things instead of your body. You can just leave your body on Earth for animals to chew on. There are no physical or mental boundaries either—you can even smoke a breadstick, if you have the willpower. And there are bubbles and clouds and floating pillows that play soft music. And if you’re worried that ninjas can’t kill people in heaven, you can relax and have another sip of pop. Just because they’re in heaven doesn’t mean they are any less sweet. The game is the same, but the rules are just a little different. Instead of using ropes and pajama pants to strangle people, they use clouds and halos, which really isn’t that bad when you think about it. Other than that, everything’s pretty much the same. I hope you feel better now, ’cause I know I do. See ya later, amigo!

  How to Commit Seppuku with a Frisbee

  Did You Know?

  With ninjas, there are no new answers, just new questions.

  Seppuku is the ancient art of killing yourself if you get super pissed and can’t find anybody else to kill. Ninjas use all sorts of crap to kill themselves—guns, ropes, knives, lasers, spears, etc.—and don’t even think twice about it. These guys would kill themselves for just about any reason and often for no reason at all. That’s why there are so few ninjas today.

  But if you want to commit seppuku and you’re like me, you don’t have access to stuff like lasers. But there’s hope. I tried to commit seppuku by swallowing a Frisbee a couple of times—and believe me, it’s pretty cool. The only catch is you have to be really super pissed off to do it.

  Step 1: Get a frisbee from the store or a friend.

  Step 2: Clean the Frisbee.

  Step 3: Make sure your parents aren’t around.

  Step 4: Put something slippery on it, like butter or cream.

  Step 5: Get really, super pissed.

  Step 6: Fold the Frisbee, hard (this is crucial).

  Step 7: Keep folded and insert Frisbee into mouth, hard.

  Step 8: Push hard until you can’t see it.

  Step 9: Wait.

  Step 10: Die.

  If you succeed, everybody will be like, “Holy crap!” But if you don’t succeed, try again tomorrow, but do it even harder.

  Little Tiny Hippo (continued)

  SCENE 2:

  After a bunch of ninjas finish completely beating the pirates’ butts, the ninjas go searching for the little tiny hippo. They find Roberq hiding in bushes/leaves and he’s completely freaking out. One ninja nicely leans over and says, “Yo, do wanna hang out with us?” And the little tiny hippo asks, “Like best friends and everything?” And the ninjas are like, “Totally, and that’s a fact.”

  Then Roberq’s new best friends take him to a super safe place

  hidden deep inside a huge magical forest full of sweetness

  where no little hippos are insul
ted or beaten

  and hippos can be whatever they want

  and most importantly

  where someone

  would listen

  to

  me.

  Fin(ished)

  Appendix and Exhibits

  Once there was this bird who lived with a bunch of other birds who treated him like crap. But then, one day, the bird found an egg roll laying on a snowy hill and took it back to the base. Everybody was like, “Gimme some.” And the bird was like, “Remember when you said all that crap about me? ” And the other birds got real quiet. “Well, I do.” And the bird laid a log right on the floor.

  —Ancient Chinese Proverb

  BRINGING EVERYTHING TOGETHER: THE OFFICIAL NINJA GAME

  The Official Ninja Game is a chance to bring together everything that you’ve learned from the book and have some great fun with your buddies.

  Rules:

  The winner is the ninja that accumulates the most N-points (ninja points) in a specified amount of time. The preferable time frame is one day to one week.

  Points are achieved by performing activities that are honorable, sweet, or crazy, according to the standards set by REAL Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Book. An honorable act is honorable according to The Ninja Code of Honor. For example, peeing on a friend’s back is honorable. A sweet act is an act that is just plain sweet. For example, doing a naked back flip into a lake is pretty sweet. A crazy act is an act that is pretty nuts. For example, giving a speech while doing the splits the entire time is pretty absurd (unless you’re doing a speech on the splits—then it’s just natural).