Unapologetic (A Novel)

by Pamela Ann

  “They played at Coachella this year, but I couldn’t make it.” Subtlety was best in such circumstances. Fangirling was a major no-no. One could be doing cartwheels in one’s mind, but on the outer surface, you displayed nonchalance and boredom. It was how the game was played.

  “You should come with. I’d love to have you around for moral support. Not to mention, I’m sure you’d have fun just watching how things are on set,” she carried on, devouring the bread. The poor woman was starved for food. Her hours were insanely hectic, so it was no wonder she had skipped a few meals before this one. It was her norm.

  “Are you sure I wouldn’t be a nuisance? You’d be busy, and I don’t want to be a bother.” I would love to go since I had never been in one, but I didn’t want to interfere. I could just imagine the chaos behind the scenes for music videos.

  Besides, I thought of meeting Will, the front man of the band. It made me tizzy with excitement. I had a serious thing about men who could carry a ballad and who looked sinful with a guitar in their hands. Musicians were the best kinds of lovers. I could attest to that.

  “I want you to come, Cara. Anton’s tagging along, too, so you’ve got no choice on this one. You’re coming with,” Kells persisted, shaking her head.

  Like I could argue when she used one of her “it’s my way or the highway” voice. I wouldn’t dare.

  “Okay, just let me know when, and I’ll be there.” My last audition wrapped up today, and if I didn’t get casted, my schedule would be wide open for the next few months until Clover began shooting the next season.

  “How’s Parker in New York? Miss him already?” she inquired as she checked her phone, missing the odd expression playing on my face.

  “He just left, so no, I don’t miss him yet.” And I doubt I would.

  Parker tried to see me hours before his departure, but I had dodged him. I didn’t have the capacity to go through such emotional turmoil. It wasn’t about being a coward. It was due to the fact that my brain was too exhausted from memorizing lines. In my right time, I would permanently cut ties with him. For now, I needed to focus on work.

  “When do you plan on visiting him?”

  “We haven’t really discussed it yet. We will see how my auditions go. If I don’t get a call back, I don’t really mind. I’m sure I can fill my time with something before shooting starts for the show.”

  “Positive thoughts. You never know where your fate takes you. Life’s short, so give it your best shot and don’t waste it by thinking about what ifs. That’s what I tell myself, anyway, you know, when things go to the shitters, but it might work for you, too,” she encouraged.

  God only knew what drama she had been put through. Kells had her own demons to slay, and the only way she got through it was by having a good head on her shoulder. She was made of stronger stuff, and I had always admired her spunk. I admired her tenacity. I wish I could be a badass like that someday, I would rule life like a champ.

  The “what ifs” fucked me until I was on my knees praying for the nightmare to end. No, never again. I had learned that placing your entire heart and trust into someone was a heedless investment. The only person to trust was yourself. And you should never discount your instincts. They were instilled for a reason, and that reason was to run for the hills if it’s telling you to.

  “Thank you for the great advice, yogi master,” I murmured with a smile before drinking a sip of my diet Coke. She could be so serious at times that I couldn’t help teasing her.

  She snorted before picking a piece of cherry tomato off my dish. “Seriously, you gotta go to yoga with me. I promise it’ll stretch out your kinks. I’m sure you have loads of those.” She winked at me cheekily.

  If Parker had worded it that way and not in the most condescending way possible, we probably would have avoided the fight. But the man was crass and couldn’t care less if he hurt my feelings.

  “Now that I’m jobless for some time, count me in.” With three months of vacancy, I needed something to do apart from dishing food in my mouth and binge watching Netflix. I needed a hobby, something productive.

  “We gotta go out and celebrate my new gig tonight,” Kells said, breaking through my thoughts.

  Celebrate life. There was so much I was grateful for.

  “Of course. Have anywhere in mind?”

  “The Nice Guy for din-din. Then we can go dancing somewhere afterward. I’ll have everything sorted out by tonight.” With her connections in the industry, she had no problems getting us access anywhere.

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  “Here’s to single ladies.” She raised her cup of coffee, grinning like a mad woman.

  Raising my half-filled diet Coke, I wasn’t one, but I toasted, anyway. What was the point in arguing? I was already planning on breaking up with Parker. I had the inkling to call him and cut it off right then and there, but where was the sensitivity to that?

  Though our relationship was barely a month old, he still earned a respectable good-bye. No man or woman appreciated to be broken up over a phone call, text message, or an email, no matter the longevity of the relationship. I was not a cold-hearted bitch, thank you very much.

  So why did you leave and walk out of River’s life without saying a word? my mind countered, unsettling me. I loathed it when my conscience popped out of nowhere.

  “I have a cleaning appointment in an hour and half. Wanna tag along?”

  We were just about done eating, and I couldn’t help taking note that there was a sheepish feeling when she stated “cleaning appointment.” It sounded tricky.

  “What kind of cleaning are we talking about here? Dental? Pedicures?” Pedicures were cleaning in some way, weren’t they?

  “Oh, you know, the usual.” She waved her hand like it wasn’t a big deal before she was distracted with a business call.

  While she busied herself, I was making hand signals and trying to mouth the words that I wasn’t sure, but she wasn’t having it. She basically dragged me toward her car, leaving mine with the valet while she took us to our next destination.

  I hadn’t really minded. Well, up until I found out it was not the “usual kind” as she had assured me. I was sure a colon hydrotherapy wasn’t the norm, not even for me. Talk about taking this friendship to another level.

  “Does your friend want to try it as well?” the kind technician asked Kells.

  My ears turned crimson. I vehemently shook my head in protest. Hell no. I was beyond terrified.

  Kells turned toward me. “Can I sign you up for this? Please. I’ll pay and everything. Do this for me please, Sprinkles?” she pleaded, hands bunched together.

  I was sure I looked like a deer caught in the headlights. I was being put on the spot while the turd technician patiently waited for us to figure it out. Kells wasn’t taking no for an answer.

  This woman was surely nuts. How did I become friends with her again? Right now, I couldn’t recall.

  “Give us a moment please.” Yanking Kells, I took her to the side, ready to reason. “Kells, this isn’t my thing, you know that. I’m not into trendy shit like this. Like, for real dude, what the hell? I can’t. The very thought of it terrifies the living daylights out of me.” The idea of inserting some plastic tubing in my sacred rectum wasn’t what I envisaged for my afternoon. Talk about total violation.

  “It’s not that big a deal. People everywhere do it. Hell, do you have any idea how many business transactions are being done while they’re getting their shit vacuumed?”

  I. Fucking. Cannot. With. Her.

  “Exactly, I don’t want anything vacuumed. Thanks, but no thanks.” My shit was sitting still. They didn’t need to be evacuated. They could go when ready. Who invented this shenanigan anyway?

  “You only live once. Come on, please? This will make me a happy girl. Indulge me this once.” Kells pouted while putting on a major sad face.

  The woman never pouted. Talk about major guilt trip galore.

  “Happy, really? Like
knowing that you aren’t going through it alone makes you happy?” I whisper-hissed, torn with what to do next. “What if I have some allergy reaction to the tube they insert? Or I’ll be so stuffed with water I’ll die from it? Hell, if I die, I’m not even sure I have life insurance. What the hell, Kells!”

  She frowned. “Are you saying you’re allergic to anal sex?”

  What? “No—yes—well no, not that I’ve ever—Kells! Ugh you’re annoyingly hopeless.”

  She was relentless, and it was making me nervous because I never won with her. She was would never yield. She was just that kind of person. God help me, I needed a miracle.

  “You love me annoying.” She took my hand and pleaded some more. “If you do this, I’d love you forever. Besides … I don’t normally ask for favors, babe. Please, please?”

  I could strangle her for being so persistent. “Fine, fine. But you owe me big time. And if shit hits the fan, I’m going to kill you.”

  She had called me because she wanted to try out this new trend and didn’t want to go through it alone. How kind of her. If I came out of here limping, I would skin her alive.

  The whole skittish ordeal wasn’t as terrifying as I thought it would. But it wasn’t comfortable, either. Was I traumatized? Probably. Would I try it again? Not in this lifetime. Was I still speaking to Kells? That was still being decided.

  Chapter Nine

  After dining at The Nice Guy, Kells took Anton and I to Warwick for more drinks and for some much-needed dancing, a great stress reliever, and one that was necessary after the afternoon I had.

  The décor at the lounge was rustic meets modern chichi. A lot of wood, brown leather seats, with chandeliers that reminded me of the Medieval era. There were secured lounges that were designed in striped black and white for more privacy, but overall, it rendered a cozy flair of old Hollywood ambiance. It was elegant, and the kind of atmosphere I welcomed with opened arms.

  With Kells’ connections, we darted past the line outside. And the moment we sat down at our reserved seating, Anton couldn’t help bursting into hysterics when he found out what Kells and I had been up to.

  He held up both of his hands, cursing before directing us a cutting look. “I swear to Jaweh, God, and Allah. If either of you do some shit like that again, I’ll never forgive you. I’m not going to lose my virginity with some bullshit like that. I’m gay, but not that gay.”

  Kells rolled her eyes, giggling. “Allah? First of all, you ain’t a Muslim, nor are you a Christian. And as for being a Jew, you’re not even a real Jew. Heck, you’re not even religious. You once said that you’re Buddhist deep in your heart, so none of that counts.”

  “Whatever, I was born a Jew; I guess that counts for something,” he muttered before giddily clapping when our large bucket of selected drink arrived, along with some appetizers.

  “Belvedere shots!” Plucking the bottle, I immediately twisted it open before lining up three shot glasses then carefully pouring the drink all the way to the rim. Handing them one of each, I then raised the miniscule glass, beaming. “Here’s to love and friendship, and to butts that don’t crack.”

  Kells choked on her drink while I annihilated mine with one swift gulp.

  “I love you guys,” Kells coughed out in amusement before she handed me her shot glass, ready for the next one.

  “Holy shit balls on fire, it’s my Viking!” Anton shrieked as he held his chest, mouth agape. “Oh, my gawd, I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die tonight.”

  “What Viking?”

  Who? What? Where? There was only one Viking for him, and that man wasn’t in Los Angeles. He had to be mistaken.

  “It’s him! It’s fucking him!” He reached to touch Kells and I before he dug his fingers into our skin, too engrossed as he honed his eyes with laser-like focus across the room with his mouth hanging ajar. “I can’t breathe. I think I need an ambulance.”

  “Shut up. You always say that when you have diarrhea.” Kells smirked at Anton, sending him a look that assured him that he seemed less than nothing but a crazed fan.

  “Look!” he hissed while hyperventilating. The guy was seriously having breathing problems.

  Kells and I both glanced toward where he pointed. A few tables down, there was a man who could alarmingly be River’s doppelganger. But it couldn’t be him because he was out on location across the Atlantic Ocean. There was no way this man was him. It was a false alarm, but I couldn’t very well tell him that. Then I would have to explain myself.

  “Jesus, it really is River Ellis,” Kells sighed, green eyes glued at the table where his doppelganger was located. There were about ten of them, six men and four women. Scratch that, four delicately-clad hot women.

  “He’s so—” Anton choked up, looking close to tears. “He’s so fucking perfect.”

  Drawing my eyes away from the group, I quickly glanced back toward my friends, who seemed too dumbfounded to do anything but stare.

  “It’s probably not him. For all we know, there’s, like, a bunch of River Ellis look-alike. This is tinseltown, after all.” Shrugging, I happily busied myself with another round of drinks. This time, I was all for a dirty martini. “Drinks anyone?” I asked, but it was like they didn’t hear me.

  Anton made a strangled sound. “Our eyes connected. Oh, my God, I felt a jolt of electricity.”

  I quickly glanced at my dear friend, wondering if he really needed an ambulance because his behavior was unprecedented. Was the man about to pass out?

  Good God, if he knew the truth, he wouldn’t speak to me for a month.

  Kells looked stricken as she dragged her eyes away. Dipping her head close to us, she then whispered, “He got up … If he comes over here and turns out to be gay, there’s something really wrong with this world. All hot guys seem to be gay these days.”

  Who was coming over? My heart stopped working at that point. Oh, fuck … OH, HOLY FUCK.

  Now it was me in panic mode. Much to my horror, the doppelganger really was heading our way. And the closer he got, the more my heart thumped harder against my chest. I felt hot and cold all over, my ears rung, and everything seemed to be out of focus. It was my turn to hyperventilate.

  Hysteria seized me so much so that I almost choked on my own saliva. And when the man in question finally stood before our table, I couldn’t bring myself to look at him.

  “Hello, Cara.”

  There was no mistaking, it was him. No man on earth had a voice like his. I would know it anywhere. It was the sound that haunted my dreams. But it was also the echo of happiness, the light that brought in beauty into my sordid, ugly-filled world. River Ellis.

  What a coincidence. The universe sure had a way of fucking with my heart.

  God help me. If these instances kept on, how would I survive, let alone cope from the backlash? It was toying with me, and I hated being reminded how unstable my emotions became when he honed in his focus on me. There was no escaping him.

  My eyes connected with his, and my heart galloped faster. For a brief moment, I felt like Anton, breathless and out of sorts. How did he have such an overwhelming power over me when I had known this man even before he became someone revered by the world?

  Unabashed with my lack of greeting, he diverted his attention to my friends, whose eyes busied flickering to and fro. “I’m River, Cara’s friend from the olden days.” He stuck his hand out to Kells first to shake.

  River was in his Don Juan mode, and no woman was immune. He smoldered. He conquered. You became imprisoned, enraptured; your senses arrested. There was no escaping once he locked in on you.

  “I’m Kells, err, uh, Cara’s friend.” They shook hands before he directed it next toward Anton.

  “God, I’m such a huge fan,” Anton gushed as he shook River’s hand. He held it like River was some kind of royalty. “I love your work—” He paused, looking like something had just clicked in his brain. “You were the guy on the phone! Holy shit balls.” He glanced back at me.

  Kells, who se
emed too sharp not to piece the puzzle together, immediately invited River to sit with us. A part of me prayed that he would decline, but River was beyond delighted. So much so that he was sliding in the booth next to me before Kells could even finish the invitation.

  “So, you guys are old friends, huh?” Kells immediately interrogated before raising her brow at me, playfully grinning toward us. Gone was that awestruck look of hers, and in came mischief and pure curiosity. She was like a retired detective.

  “Yeah, from middle school. We actually grew up together,” River responded without hesitation, making me wonder how much information he was willing to divulge.

  “Damn, that’s like waaaay back, back.” Kells pasted a cat-got-the-cream kind of smiles, green eyes gleaming. “Wonder why little Miss Missy here didn’t tell us she knew you. I mean, after all, we’ve done back-to-back movie marathons of TVM every other month.”

  River immediately directed his dashing grin at me, daring me to say something truthful. Instead, all I could think about was …

  “I thought you were out filming in Ireland,” I blurted, agitated and confused as to why he was here, sitting with my friends and having this damning conversation.

  His dark depths bore into mine, arresting me. “I was. I am, but I had a prior commitment to shoot a commercial tomorrow, so I had to fly out here. This was all scheduled beforehand.”

  Why didn’t he mention it the last time we spoke? And for the love of everything holy, when would my breathing normalize? It was maddening how my body reacted to him.

  The second he heard about his favorite franchise ending, Anton became a diehard fan once again. “You’re shooting the last film? God, I’m beyond stoked for that. When are you flying back out?”

  Odd as it was, River didn’t seem to mind the direct questions my friends threw at him. “Tomorrow night. I’m only here to shoot then bounce out again. I got in an hour ago. It’s my boy’s birthday tonight, so I can’t skip not going out with him.”

  Anton batted his lashes at River, blatantly enthralled by his presence. “That’s nice, but stressful. I don’t do pressure like that. I’d probably curl up and die from overthinking and functioning.”