Unapologetic (A Novel)

by Pamela Ann

  “About you, yeah, there’s no question about that.” He leaned over, and I felt his breath teasing my ear, spreading wild fire of goose bumps all over my body. “May I kiss you, Cara?”

  This was challenging for me, too, but there was a time and place for showing such intimacies.

  “When we’re alone, you can kiss me all you want, but not here, not when everyone can see.”

  “I’ve missed you.” He tried to control his emotion, but I could easily detect the depth of his words.

  My heart thudded at his close proximity. Temptation so blindingly potent that I was drunk from lusting over him.

  “Then dance with me, River Ellis.”

  “Thought you’d never ask.” He pulled me close to him as our hips began to slowly sway, grounding, grinding from the beat of the music.

  We danced, forgetting about Anton and Kells who were a few feet away, glancing at us every so often. However, all I could feel and focus on was River and how his hands held my hips.

  The alcohol worked through my system as we swayed to the beat. I could feel his restraint, the heat of his desire as he harnessed his emotions to play my game of waiting. He knew he would get his way later tonight. We were lost in our own little world, spell-bounded by something greater, a profound force that kept bringing us together. Hypnotized, magnetized by elements we could barely control ourselves, consuming us with such profound adrenaline-charged transcendental, mystical form, a magic that bounded us together.

  My breathing hitched as River slowly made us sway our way toward the section of the floor where the lights didn’t grace, a dark enough space for privacy from prying eyes. The moment we were out of sight, River practically devoured my neck with his kisses, nipping as he made small thrusts of his hips, making me well aware of his profound arousal.

  “Baby,” I moaned, not stopping him. Little did I realize that this was the first sentiment I had ever used on him since our reunion.

  He was practically making out with my neck, gripping on the tiny thin threads of control before he was about to spin out of it, losing his will to harness the fire that burned so violently in his heart, mind, and soul.

  “Can I take you home?”

  We were pushed to the limit, and it was high time we take this elsewhere.

  “Take me home, please.”

  He didn’t say another word, merely ushering me out of the bar before speed dialing Joe. In the space of ten minutes, I was in the back of the Range with his grip entwined with mine, never letting go. The ride didn’t take long, and once we got to my apartment, he didn’t bother turning on the lights before pulling me close to him.

  “Come here,” he demanded then began demolishing my lips. He planted his hands on my hips, lifting me as I wrapped my legs around his body, kissing him back. Our lips became one, gentle but strong, hungered but measured.

  “Take me to bed please,” I pleaded as my hands fevered to connect to his bare flesh, exploring his body like it was the first time I had lain hands on him.

  River did as I asked, carrying me toward the bedroom without breaking our kiss. He then lowered me down the moment his legs hit the edge of the bed. Drowning in his sheer magnificence, he resembled like a beautiful dark angel descending upon me.

  Undressing each other, we drank each other in, lost in our own time, in our own made-up world. Each kiss, each touch amplified thrice fold than before. He was slowly making love to me, and I could sense myself opening up to him. As if all the barriers, all the fight had evaporated into thin air. I felt it all—every fiber of his love, his pain, his hope that he proudly showed to me.

  We rode the height of our passion without any pretenses. We were a man and a woman, the past all but forgotten as we came together, sealing our unity with a kiss. And when he fell on top of me, exhausted and asleep, I had never felt such completeness. A joy so intense, so overpowering that tears began to slide off the sides of my face.

  “I love you, River.” The words caught me off guard. All the sleepiness immediately vanished as the words sank in. “I can’t be—”

  Everything I had worked hard for, all that I had accomplished, all were for naught. The sex must have been driving me into such maddening thoughts. No. No! I wasn’t going to be weakened by any man, most especially River.

  Here I had believed that I was no fool in love, but it was harder to fool my heart. It knew all along, and now this secret was something I dwelled to keep for as long as I was capable of hiding it.

  Chapter Sixteen

  It took everything in me to act the same, taking his calls and pretending as though I didn’t feel the same. River had been patient, not noticing anything amiss. It had been a few days since that fated night, and tried as I might, my thoughts would sprint back in time, rehashing moments spent with him and dissecting where I possibly began falling in love with him again.

  Anton and I began our introduction to mixed martial arts, and on the second try, he was ready to give up. The sport was crucial, and I admit my body was sore in places I didn’t know existed.

  “We really should give up now,” Anton grumbled as he slid on his training gloves. “Who said being skinny was fun, anyway?”

  Grinning at him while securing my ankle brace, I blew out the few strands of hair that fell out of my ponytail. “I’m not doing this to be skinny, babe. There’s a difference between that and just wanting to be fit and healthy.” The three of us lavished on fattening foods, like blocking the arteries kind. This was our way of starting to compensate for gulping down such scrumptious waste into our system. Kells had her yoga, and well, this was ours.

  “Wanna do something fun for lunch?” Anton ignored my comment as he conjured what he was going to have for his next meal.

  Shaking my head, I tried not to pester him that he had a serious problem when one had to begin daydreaming what he was going to eat soon when his belly was still filled with what he had for breakfast. “Not today. I’m seeing Kyle.”

  He frowned like I had just said something offensive. “I thought you were doing the dirty with River?”

  They didn’t hide the fact that they liked River and weren’t making it easy for me to just be on my own for a while. Parker had been trying to reach out, but I wasn’t going to hear one of his hate-filled tirades.

  “Nothing’s changed, but I gotta live my life the way I see fit,” I argued, hoping that he’d just let it go.

  “Kyle’s hot, I give you that. But River … Are you fucking kidding me? I’d give my toe just to breathe next to him.”

  Anton liked to exaggerate.

  “You’ve been close to him. You’ve hung out with the man several times now, and you’re still not over it.”

  “Uh, yeah, but he gives me little seizures each time he’s a few feet away,” he easily confessed with a deadpan expression. “Never mind me. I know what you’re trying to prove to yourself here, but you gotta give your first love another chance, Cara. He’s earned it. You might not think so, but the guy did earn it, boo. I’m serious. He’s bending over backward, scramming and rearranging his schedule just to be with you. Doesn’t that deserve praise?”

  He earned it, Anton’s words echoed in my brain, barely registering.

  “I’m not ready.” To lay my heart for him to fuck with. “I can’t let go of the past, Anton. It’s hard to fathom, I get it, but I’m not ready.”

  My best friend appeared disheartened. I knew he had my best interest, but he would never understand where I was coming from. He and Kells adored River—I did, too—but I wasn’t going to give up this newfound freedom because River made my heart beat once again. Besides, Kyle and I were having fun; what was the harm in that?

  “As long as you know what you’re doing, that’s all I’m saying.”

  I believed I did. Why else would I be doing this?

  With that conversation out of the way, Anton and I concentrated with our mission at hand—sparring each other. I wasn’t sure why our instructor mandated such a task since Anton and I were
both horrible; throwing odd punches that lacked strength indicated that we were such novices. I’m sure it was an entertainment for the others.

  Even if my entire body ached, I still managed to get ready for lunch with Kyle. I had to compromise by wearing flats because wearing high heels would be overkill for my throbbing stems.

  Just like before, I drove to our meeting spot, which was two blocks away from my place. Kyle was already waiting for me when I got there, dressed in his usual ensemble of cutout jeans, white shirt, and leather jacket. He had the sexy bad boy written all over him, and he never looked better. It was just a great coincidence that it was one my favorite seafood restaurants.

  We lunched on superb crab cakes and succulent lobsters while sipping marvelous white wine. And like always, Kyle charmed me with his animated storytelling. It enabled me to enjoy the moment. He didn’t inquire about my past, nor did I mention that I was orphaned at a young age. Divulging my past was a painful ordeal I would rather not venture.

  We then carried on by walking toward the pier and had ice cream for dessert before we strolled the beach. The seagulls were flying over us as I listened to the calm waves hit the sandy shores.

  When was the last time I took a moment to appreciate my surroundings? I couldn’t recall the last time I stopped and glanced about.

  “This is nice,” I murmured, looking up the bright sky before taking a lengthy lick of my coned treat.

  Kyle nodded before murmuring his agreement. “I haven’t done this in forever.”

  The hint of melancholy was unmistakable. It was that woman in England who broke his heart, the one he grew up with.

  “Let me see, the last time was with Sienna?”

  Lost in thought, he seemed a thousand miles away. “Yeah. It seems ages now, but I can still remember that day. It was right after she turned down after being proposed to by her husband now,” he stated, as though it was another man’s story, not his.

  That sounded beyond complicated, but I wasn’t going to pry further. I knew the subject was still raw.

  “Memories have a way with a broken heart.” I hoped he would find peace someday.

  “I try. I guess that counts for something.”

  “So do I.” We were on the same journey. We were brought together with some hope that he and I could mend each other.

  “I like talking to you, Cara. I can be myself. I tell you things because I know you won’t judge me.” He smiled, a soft crinkle in his eye when he did so.

  “The feeling’s mutual.” He was a gentleman, a genuine kind. Not like Parker, who had fed me empty words and had masked his true self until I began exclusively dating him.

  He looked pleased, smiling before glancing toward the beach. “I have this thing on Saturday, a fundraiser in Palm Springs that I already made a commitment to. Was wondering if you wanna be my plus one.”

  “It’s not an overnight thing, is it?” I heard myself say, still unsure about what to say next.

  Kyle gave me a considering look. “Unless you don’t want to. I meant to drive back after dinner, anyway, but if you find that taxing, then we can stay the night.”

  What harm would it be to go out and have fun at the same time?

  “I’ll go as long as we drive back. I have a lot of things to do before going to Vegas with my friends for a few days.”

  He bestowed that dashing smile of his. “Deal.”

  Palm Springs definitely was happening, then. Surprisingly, I found myself eager to go with him. Maybe it would show me a different aspect of the man. He sure had a lot of depths, and I didn’t mind wanting to know each and every one of them. I wasn’t sure where this was going, but what I was sure of was that our friendship was building, and I was grateful for it.

  Saturday was a few days away, so I had time to figure out what I would wear for the event. For the time being, I had to get my butt in gear for tomorrow’s class with Anton.

  When River called that night, I weighed in if I should disclose what transpired today. It was right after he invited me to visit him for a short trip that I decided telling him would be for the best.

  “I went out with Kyle again today.”

  There was silence on the other end before I heard him say, “I see.”

  “I’ve been upfront with you since the beginning.” I had never failed on that. I made sure to drill it into his skull so I wouldn’t have to deal with this outcome. “Just thought I should let you know, River.”

  “You keep saying that nothing’s going to change no matter what. I believe you, Cara. I just hope you’re not doing this to hurt me. Because, if you are, you’re only fooling yourself.”

  Aghast from his retort, I was ready to dish it out to him.

  “What the hell—”

  “Listen, I gotta go. I’ll call you soon.” He sounded crushed, but it didn’t seem to quell the fire within me.

  “Sounds good!” I bitingly retorted back, still raging.

  “And Cara?”

  “What?”

  “I love you.”

  Groaning out loud, I ended the call before I said something I would regret. River had a way of releasing this well-kept temper that wanted to come out and play when provoked. Even in the height of my discord with Parker, he could never rouse this much response from me.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Kyle’s swanky sex machine of a car sped through the vast aridness of the desert as we headed toward Palm Springs. It was barely past ten in the morning and the heat permeated through the glass even though the air conditioning was on full blast. Though barren it appeared, sparse cactuses sprouted sporadically, evidence that one could survive in harsh conditions. That was there’s beauty to be found in places that one never thought of. One had to find the beauty in the ugly things in life, only then one could appreciate and reflect on the meaning it presented. Happiness was a state of mind, a practice that I had yet to perfect.

  My eyes roved toward the long lined of colossal windmills fueling the city we were heading to. Kyle had been accommodating in making sure I had my coffee and other refreshments before our drive. He kept his phone on silent while he drove. We didn’t suffer the awkwardness of small talk. Being with him felt great, so much so that I felt utterly comfortable in his presence. There were no frivolities between us and I found that mildly refreshing. Stylishly dressed in his Dolce suit and aviator shades, he was too hot to resist, and normally, I would be a neurotic blabbering mess, but I was calm.

  The fundraiser was held in one of Palm Springs’ elite golf resorts. Donning a low-back olive silk dress and minimal gold jewelry and makeup, I was glad that party was indoors instead of being held out on the open. Given the blazing heat, a heat stroke would go hand in hand with a cocktail.

  “Did anyone ever notice that you have a very sexy back?” Kyle murmured into my ear while trying to suppress a laugh. “It sounds stupid, I know, but it fucking is. The arch, the silkiness—it’s perfection.” His hand gently brushed through the exposed expanse of my spine.

  We were in the midst of a meal with other guests at our table, but he didn’t seem to care if anyone minded his appropriateness.

  “Really? Do your dates buy that second-rate line?” Where was he getting his lines? From Justin Timberlake?

  His eyes crinkled as he gazed at me with profound amusement. He then closed the gap and whispered into my ear. “In all seriousness, though, it makes me wonder how your skin would taste on my tongue.”

  My cheeks flamed as I diverted my eyes downward at my lap. “Behave you little pervert,” I murmured back in the same tenor and fervor.

  Earlier on he had been the epitome of a gentleman, but after two drinks, his inner slut was ready to come and play. Kyle was a tease, but goodness, when he channeled all of his sexiness into that smoldering hazel eyes of his, that shit melted my underwear.

  I held River in such high regard, but Kyle came a close second. But with Kyle, things were fun, new, and there was no high price to pay. That appealed more to me more than I care
d to admit. He was a sexy diversion I welcomed with great enthusiasm.

  I didn’t have the affinity for rubbing shoulders with socialites, the wealthy, and the like, yet I tried to stay afloat with the conversations. It was a trick that always came in handy when I had to attend these stuffy events, pretending this was a set and I had to figure out lines. A role-play.

  I looked around me and wondered if any of these souls had the same childhood I did. Doubted it. My unfortunate background was something I tried not to dwell on. It wasn’t shame, but it put me in prickly position when people pried and began questioning.

  My past couldn’t be undone, and it didn’t define me. The pain I had endured gave me depth, some credibility that my past didn’t cripple me like some of the children who went through the same ordeal. It gave me shades of gray in a black and white world. Though I was still figuring out myself, my life in general, I was proud to say that I had a moral compass to guide me, thanks to lovingly sweet Mattie. Without her guidance and encouragement, steering me to better pastures, who knows where I would have ended up.

  After our meal, Kyle became deeply imbedded in conversation with a few male guests whom he introduced as some of the executives in the movie industry. They were trying to broker a deal for a TCC documentary. And since I was an outstanding date, I didn’t want to be a nuisance, so I tried to brave it out and mingled on my own, venturing socially to people who seemed to give me the silent disdain through their eyes.

  After a failed attempt of trying to hold a conversation for the umpteenth time, I began to wander toward the bar and befriended the vivacious bartender named Fergus.

  “I’m so sorry. I hope you don’t feel like I’ve abandoned you. I didn’t expect to be going through the details today.” Kyle approached me from the back with his hand securely on my lower back.

  I shrugged, not minding much that he had to work. “Don’t worry; I know how these things work.”

  “Well, I hope you won’t mind for another couple more hours? We’re invited guests to Mr. Woodhull’s private home. There’s a pool, a spa, and a tennis court if you feel like breaking a sweat.”