Unapologetic (A Novel)

by Pamela Ann

  His eyes flickered before releasing his breath, and he finally took the initiative to pull his pants up to cover his indecency. “I saw Hailey,” he blurted it, stopping me from functioning altogether.

  The name alone made me want to commit murder, the cauldron of hate immediately resurrecting from the dead. The woman played a huge role in our breakup, and here he was, spitting her name to my face like it was something fucking important.

  “Why should I fucking care about that clingy cunt?” My cool demeanor had diminished. My entire system went on high alert, ready to shut down whoever crossed me.

  “Because I told her years ago that I can only date her when you don’t belong to me anymore.”

  They used to have sex. Everyone knew that, but he never officially stated that they were dating. So, two years on, the bitch still clung for the opportunity and now she got her lucky break. Yippee.

  “So, you’re dating that psycho now?” I fumed before crossing my arms around my chest, burning from head to toe. “You just had some chick on her knees, working on your dick, and now you’re telling me that you’re dating the bushwhack cunt?”

  “Not yet … Maybe soon.”

  His detached manner grated on me to no end.

  “You just had to run back to the woman you replaced me with in the first place. Great—just fucking great.” My eyes dropped to the vase that was within my arm’s reach, contemplating if I should chuck it at him for playing me like a fiddle. This whole time that woman was still an integral part of his life. Why hadn’t he said a thing before? Why now? Why disclose this when I was moving on? Was he doing it out of spite?

  Looking at his cool as a cucumber attitude, I somehow doubted he had any motives for such vile proclamations.

  River ran a hand over his hair, seeming a little confused before breaking eye contact with me. “It doesn’t matter now. I hope once things settle, we can still continue building on our friendship, Cara. I meant it when I said I didn’t want to lose you.”

  He didn’t want to lose me? He intended for us to continue building on our tattered friendship while he dated Hailey? What world was he living on, because it sure as hell wasn’t mine! Did he not fathom the depths of my hatred for that woman who he intended to give his affections to? Apparently not.

  “I—” I what? “I need to think.” Without throwing him another glance, I stomped out of his room, scuttling away like he was the devil himself.

  “Cara!” he thundered, but didn’t follow.

  “Fuck off!” I furiously screeched before locking my bedroom door in case he decided to “discuss” his pure precious Hailey to me. Gag.

  For so long, I had convinced myself that I was no longer that vile, jealous lunatic who would go ape-shit on him. But River proved me wrong. The vicious emotion was slowly taking over me, goading me to do something catastrophic. In my worst of times, I threw shoes at him, but the damn man had too good of reflexes, catching them all. This green-eyed monster was the dark side of my love for him, the uncontrollable jealousy raging in my mind, and it was creeping into my system once again.

  Pained as I was, I wouldn’t let myself shed a tear. Was this River’s kind of punishment? It was the cruelest.

  But what if it’s the only way he can get over you? my mind intervened, stopping my breathing altogether.

  “Cara …” River said from right outside my door. “Can I come in?”

  What else was there to say? If this was his way of trying to salvage our friendship, well, now wasn’t the time.

  “There’s nothing left to say, River. Let’s just leave it as is, okay? Thank you.”

  “Please,” he gravely implored.

  One word, yet it shattered my heart to pieces. I meant it. There was nothing to discuss. I just needed to sort out my emotions. Maybe in a few hours I would be in an agreeable state and not bordering on hysteria.

  I kept my mouth shut and didn’t respond. I wasn’t sure how long he waited, but he somehow understood that I wasn’t to be trifled with.

  We both knew he ignited the worst in me.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Kyle was on his way to England, and Anton wasn’t around, so I was alone in my thoughts with no one to confide to about the demons that plagued me. Kyle knew everything about me and River. The moment I began sharing a little bit of my past with River, the floodgates opened and I couldn’t stop. And much to my surprise, Kyle encouraged me to dwell on my feelings. He had such a soothing way of drawing out your secrets, and since I had kept all those emotions bottled up, it felt as though I was relieving the viscous burden from my heart.

  At one point, he even stated that if I could begin forgiving myself, maybe then I could toy with the idea of going back to River. It was madness really, coming from a man I was having sexual relations with, but that didn’t seem to hold him back from being honest with me. And I appreciated his insight greatly. He was a remarkable man, yet it seemed we would remain as thus because we were both in love with other people.

  “Hey, I’m back.” Anton knocked on the door. “Are you sleeping?”

  No, I wasn’t. What I was doing, though, was staring into space while my mind prominently dwelled on River and Hailey, and maybe cursing them both every once in a while. I was close to being mental; I could almost swear it.

  “One second,” I hollered as I lugged my bedraggled self toward the door to let Anton in.

  “Yo, um, River’s asleep on the couch? Are you two fighting or something?” he whispered as he entered the room. The second he found my disheveled state, he paused for a moment before reaching for my hand. “I know it’s none of my biz, but I can sense tension between you two and it’s not the sexual kind.”

  What was the point? Anton had a sly way in trying to get the truth out of me. Might as well beat him to it.

  “He knows about Kyle …” I blew out an exasperated breath before I sat on the bed and held on to a pillow like it was a lifesaver. “And … well, he just told me he’s about to date Hailey Mavis, the clingy stalker who wouldn’t leave him alone.”

  He dramatically gasped before resting a hand over his heart. “But why when he’s so in love with you?”

  Because for some odd reason River had an attachment to that abhorrent devious woman.

  “I feel so insulted. I feel crazy, Anton. I know we’ve broken up, but fuck, why does it have to be her?” I was hysterical, but never in tears.

  He placed his shopping bags on the floor before giving me a worrisome glance. “If it’s someone else it wouldn’t bother you as much?”

  “Probably not.” It didn’t matter because he was seeking to properly validate his relationship with this woman now. I was sure Hailey would greatly appreciate the added bonus of non-stop promo for dating such a sought after, high profiled actor like River. It was how they both started. She garnered enough momentum, but not to the extent she had hoped. Though she was becoming quite the desperate woman in social media by baring her body and her daily ins and outs like her world revolved around everyone’s likes and approvals.

  “Well, I don’t know River all that well, but guessing from his actions, the guy just wants to feel safe right now … and Hailey probably offers that. Like you said, he knows about Kyle so he’s probably fucked up inside.”

  My dear friend had a valid argument …

  “But why tell me? He knows I hate her.” Hate was too mild of a word to decipher what I felt toward Hailey. No, hate would be too kind, indeed.

  Anton sighed before he sat at the edge of the bed, mirroring the same sullen expression as I was. “He’s probably hoping that it might make you run back to him, Cara. Have you considered that?”

  “Like hell,” I spat. If this was his twisted way of trying to win me over, it was callously done.

  It was a poor taste in a woman. By choosing her, River was ready to mar me, the past and everything else it represented. The very idea of seeing those two everywhere in the news again made me feel nauseous.

  My heart constricted li
ke someone was gripping the life out of it, while my stomach churned and burned. My sight became a blur while I tried to vanish the images that flashed in my mind.

  “I can’t breathe,” I gasped as I clutched my robe. “My chest hurts really bad.”

  “I think that’s what you call a heartbreak, babe.” Anton wrapped his arms around me. “Just breathe. That’s it…. Inhale … exhale … I got you. I’m here.”

  I focused on his words, doing as he instructed, drawing air in and out of my lungs before a serious panic attack set in.

  Breathe in … Breathe out …

  “Cara?”

  “Yes?”

  “I understand now. I mean, about why you didn’t want to go back to him. I’ve never seen you like this. It pains me to admit it but if I found someone that could trigger this kind of havoc. I maybe won’t take a chance, too.”

  His words cut deeply into me. I was almost brought to tears.

  “I’ve worked so hard not to be so crippled again, but all he had to do was say her name and I’m back in hell again.”

  “You’re strong. You’ll prove to yourself that you won’t let this this defeat you. Hailey will never win.”

  “Anton, I don’t think I can join you guys tonight.” Seeing him would be too soon. I didn’t want to commit murder, so it was best I kept away from him. First thing tomorrow, I would book a flight out of here.

  Anton didn’t appear too keen on the idea. “You are, and you will. Skip the dinner, but show up to the club. Consider this like you’re going to do a performance of a lifetime. You chose this path, Sprinkles. Maybe it’ll help you solve what you truly yearn in your heart.”

  The boy could be right. This wasn’t all about her. This was about me fighting for myself by not cowering and appearing defeated.

  “I’ll go, but I’m leaving first thing tomorrow.” Shattered though I was, I wasn’t ready to let this conquer me. Maybe in time, I would have a better grasp at controlling my reactions to such horrid news. Crawling into my own hellish hole wasn’t an option.

  “Figured you’d ditch, but you know your limits better than anyone. Do what you gotta do babe.”

  I was in shambles, and if it weren’t for him, I would still be feeling down rotten. Anton brought me back to reality by shedding the light on what really mattered. He showed me something to fight for—myself.

  “Thank you for being my rock.”

  “You are mine, too. You just don’t know it yet.” He gave me the tightest hug before kissing me on the cheek. “Parade those goodies so he can be reminded of what he’s missing. Make sure to dress up the part, too, like a fierce siren so he can eye fuck you all night because he know he ain’t getting it with you anymore.”

  How could I not laugh at Anton’s mad idea?

  When it was time for him to leave for dinner, he made me promise to meet them at the club and that he would text me once they were done with dinner.

  While they all dined on sushi, I opted room service. Though I barely ate the excellent soup and niçoise salad, I tried to muster an appetite. I didn’t want to drink on an empty stomach.

  After dinner, I unhurriedly went into the bathroom and drew myself a bath. The hot water seemed to do wonders to my sore body and fractionally lifted my mood. Once finished, I donned my comfort robe before I began toying and shaping my hair. I settled on a high bump ponytail that came out nicely after using a few products to tease my hair into place. Then I carried on to makeup.

  From what I learned from Kells, the skin better be scrubbed off of any dead skin so that the foundation appeared luminescent. She even encouraged on giving a facial massage after polishing the face to suffuse the skin with a natural rosy glow. Next, I primed and contoured my face just as Kells had shown me. Lastly, I did my eyes, using a glittery black shade before applying heavy winged eyeliner, then finishing the look with one of my favorite brand of fake lashes.

  Beautifying accomplished, I donned a black latex bare back mini-dress that stuck to my body like a second skin. It beautifully contoured my figure, proudly putting forth my best assets. Undergarments were nonessential. Pairing it with my black Giuseppe Zanotti killer heels, I was ready to party like a rock star.

  Checking the brazen ensemble over the large paneled mirrors, I couldn’t help giving a mad grin at my appearance. It showed the epitome of a confident woman. I understood now why appearances meant everything.

  Glossing over my glammed up exterior, River would never know how much he weakened me.

  “Go rock it tonight, Cara. Show him you don’t give a fuck about Hailey.” Here was to hoping he and I didn’t have to converse tonight. The confrontation would most likely push me against the edge. Besides, he was most likely going to be hounded by his ever-devoted underlings.

  My phone beeped while I gathered the essentials to put in my clutch purse, halting me from my course. Quickly checking the sender, I wasn’t surprised to see it was Anton, possibly telling me that they were done at the restaurant.

  Warning! Alert! Fucking Alert! He’s on his way up. Rush out now if you don’t want to confront him. Love you.

  “Shit cakes,” I muttered as I hastily speed checked that I had everything before striding toward door.

  Upon exiting our suite, I was relieved to see that there was not one soul in the corridor.

  “Maybe he’s in that Latina’s room to finish their session.” I laughed dryly as I made my way toward the bank of elevators.

  It took me a couple of minutes until I finally reached the main floor. Boldly stepping out from the lift, I began to strut my way toward the opposite wing of the hotel, where the famous club was located. En route, a few men tried to catch my attention, and a few more tried to strike a conversation, but I politely declined them, not having patience for small talk amidst of a crisis.

  Then I spotted him. His eyes audaciously travelled on my body, lingering on my shapely legs, then glued to my cleavage. His nose flared while his eyes sparked indecent intentions, and just like that, his face quickly shifted to hesitation like he was unsure of his next move, whether to approach me or leave me be. After a minute of contemplation, he slowly made his way toward me with his hands in his pockets.

  “I was hoping to come and get you,” he said with a strained smile, realizing people had begun to notice that it was the actor himself.

  Glancing away, I saw a few people several feet away taking pictures of him.

  We had best get out of the open or this could spiral and end up in TMZ or something. I could do without all the media slander and pressure that he was so used to.

  Reverting my attention to the man before me, I wondered why we were being polite to each other. Hours ago, I was ready to chop his wienerschnitzel off.

  “I’m fine, no need to worry about me.” No, not any longer. I was sure once the wicked wench of the west got ahold of him, she would monitor everything he did.

  His brows knitted together before shifting to block my view so I focused solely on him. Pressing his lips together, he ran a hand over his hair, appearing anxious and somewhat nervous from my cutting reply.

  “I didn’t think it’d affect you. I’m sorry for that.”

  He was sorry? For choosing the woman who incessantly hounded him while he was secretly engaged to me? Nah, I didn’t care for his arguments or reasons behind his decision. Intentional or not, it was fucked up. But that was all in the past, right? So, he didn’t need to be sorry. Evidently, he was single and could do and fuck as he pleased. What I thought on that score wasn’t of importance.

  Gingerly making sure my hair was still in place, I tried to smile, but it came out forced and artificial. “I’m leaving in the morning. I think it’s for the best. And as for the friendship, we’ll try again down the road. For now, I don’t want this anywhere near me.”

  His mouth hung ajar like he couldn’t believe what I was spouting about. “How can you say that after what we’ve been through together?” Ashen, he was beyond bewildered. “Nothing I do is ever enough a
nymore. But if that’s what you really want, if it’s the last thing I can do to make it right so that you can be happy, then I’ll stay away from now on.”

  Our eyes clashed with such earth-shattering force that I could almost feel the impact explode in my chest. We were on the verge of something ugly and beautiful, but I was past letting it dictate me.

  I disconnected from the powerful grip of his gaze, brushing past him and walking away.

  It took a few minutes for me to sense him behind me, but I continued on, eyes forward with steely determination, never looking back, mentally and metaphorically speaking.

  The group detected the grave mood that River and I had for each other, but they had enough sense not to breach the subject. Instead, they banded together to make sure that we were all having fun. I appreciated their effort. And with River busy doing the meet and greet with fans, Anton and I danced our little booties off. Kells joined Phoenix in the booth while he spun upbeat jams that made the partygoers go wild.

  We were then joined by Mint and Lauren who awesomely brought me a bottle of Dom to share while be danced about. I was not particularly close to the girls, but Lauren seemed to be such a darling with a great quirky personality. Mint, on the other hand, was nice enough, but I could sense a little jealousy when River used to shower me his exclusive attention. I was almost sure that she would be rejoicing that I was out of the picture. She would then have Hailey to contend with. Best of luck to her.

  When Rihanna’s song came out, I became excited as I guzzled down the bottle of champagne while swaying to the beat, lost in the simplest pleasures of life.

  “Can I steal you for a dance?” a stranger’s voice came up from behind.

  I twisted my head to check out who it was.

  The man was blond and gorgeous, athletically built.

  “Yes, you may steal me just for one dance,” I cheekily quipped back before my emboldened hand curiously gripped his muscles. “Gym rat?”

  He snickered, closing the gap between us. “I’m a Trojan,” he cockily stated like that credential alone should impress me.