The Courage to Try

by C. A. Popovich

  She slowed to a stop and took in the expanse of land. A large, freshly painted red barn sat to the north of the most beautiful Cape Cod style home she’d ever seen. Blue shutters framed the four windows behind the expansive front porch and accented soft, cream-colored siding. Two gabled dormers on the second floor were positioned exact distances apart above the front door. Three huge blue spruce trees stood guard on the south side of the house and two smaller versions flanked the north edge. Various perennials defended the front porch and the winding flagstone path leading to it. Yards of hardy rye grass blanketed the ground surrounding the house. A large pond with a solar powered fountain spraying water in the center, completed the serene picture.

  Jaylin pulled up behind Kristen’s truck and trailer. She took her time as she got out of her vehicle and walked to the front door. She resisted the urge to settle into one of the cushioned Adirondack chairs and put her feet up.

  “No trouble finding the place? Sorry I lost you.” Kristen stood in the open doorway, leaning against the frame with her arms crossed.

  Jaylin had been so lost in her reverie, she hadn’t noticed Kristen open the door. Her nipples tightened and warmth spread through her. Her body was clearly at odds with her mind when it came to the “friends” thing. “No. No trouble. It’s beautiful out here.”

  “Yes. Beautiful.” Kristen didn’t take her eyes off Jaylin. “Come on in.” Kristen stepped aside for Jaylin to enter the house. “I just finished unloading Zigzag and fired up the grill.”

  “It’s equally lovely inside.” Jaylin gazed around the entryway as she followed Kristen down a short hall that opened into the kitchen. Beyond the kitchen, a family room with large door walls looked over a large deck on which the grill smoked lightly. She stepped outside and walked to the railing.

  A split rail fence delineated a huge area behind the house. It included the barn and a feeding area filled with fresh hay and a large water trough. Beyond the barn, a grazing area stretched to the edge of the woods. Zigzag stood next to the fence nearest to the house with his head lowered. He might have been asleep. A Welsh pony stood near him grazing.

  “Wow.” Jaylin stood in awe.

  “What?” Kristen asked holding a barbeque fork in the air.

  Jaylin turned to look at Kristen and laughed at her expression of concern.

  “This.” She waved her hand toward the expanse of land. “It’s fantastic.”

  “Thank you. I’m used to it, I guess. I’ve lived here most of my life. Would you like something to drink? I have beer, water, and iced tea.”

  “I’ll have water, but I’ll get it. You want one?”

  “Please. Plenty of bottles in the fridge.”

  Jaylin went into the kitchen and admired the oak cabinets. The house was neat and tidy. Like Kristen. She rummaged for the water and carried it outside to the deck. “This awning is perfect for a west facing deck. I bet it gets hot out here in the summer.” She handed a bottle of water to Kristen as she spoke.

  “Thank you.” Kristen took a sip. “My parents had this place built in the early seventies, before I was born, so I grew up here. They were both too busy to spend much time back here, but I loved it. I added the awning after my mother died and Dad started his decline.” She looked out toward her horse, now contentedly grazing. “I needed a space where I could sit, watch the sunset, and chill out.”

  “So you’ve never lived anywhere else? Bill said you graduated from MCC. That’s quite a drive from here.”

  “I lived in New Baltimore for a few years. I liked it there, but I missed the horses.” Kristen fidgeted with her cooking utensil. “Then I met a woman. My one and only relationship, and we moved to an apartment in Novi.”

  “What happened?”

  “It didn’t work out. We were just too different, and it took me a few years to realize I couldn’t be who she wanted me to be. What about your ‘bad choices?’”

  “My one relationship became abusive, and now I’m too scared to try again.”

  “Well, here’s to learning from past mistakes.” Kristen lifted her water bottle, offering a toast.

  Jaylin raised her bottle, and they both took a drink before she relaxed into the floating motion of a glider located in the shaded area of the deck.

  Front porch or back deck, Jaylin never wanted to leave. This was a problem.

  “Can I help with anything?” She offered as a distraction more than an interest in helping with the meal.

  “Nope. I’ve got it covered. You relax.” Kristen leaned and placed a gentle kiss on Jaylin’s lips.

  Jaylin straightened and pushed herself out of the glider. “We agreed to no kissing.”

  “Damn. I’m sorry, it was an automatic response, and it won’t happen again.”

  The sounds of Zigzag and the smaller horse eating their way through a pile of hay, and birds calling in the distance were the only sounds to break the tense silence that descended between them.

  Kristen concentrated on grilling steaks. She had squash, zucchini, and Vidalia onions wrapped in foil and ready to cook on the grill. Everything was set for dinner, except her. Jaylin looked so damned hot. Meeting in public had helped her maintain distance, so maybe it was a mistake to invite Jaylin to the safety of her home, where it was private. Intimate. She could still feel the heat of Jaylin’s gaze as it had traveled down her body when she’d arrived.

  Jaylin appeared to be completely comfortable in Kristen’s kitchen getting them drinks and relaxing into Kristen’s favorite seat on the glider. Lynda had refused to move in with Kristen, claiming the quiet disturbed her. She’d preferred being closer to the club and to movie theaters, places they didn’t have to completely interact. Jaylin, however, seemed content to settle in. She must have turned down a date with Debby by now, but what does that mean?

  “Is medium rare all right for you?”

  “Medium well for me please,” Jaylin said.

  “Medium well it is. The vegetables are almost done. I thought it would be nice to eat outside.”

  “Sure.” Jaylin stood. “I’ll get the dishes.”

  “Oops. Thanks. They’re—”

  “I’ll find them.” Jaylin headed into the kitchen.

  This felt way too good. Kristen pulled everything off the grill and set the foil bundles on the table while she waited for Jaylin to return with plates and silverware.

  “Thanks for getting the plates. I was wrapped up with the grilling and forgot about them.”

  “No problem. It gave me a chance to look at that beautiful kitchen of yours. I don’t do much cooking, but I can appreciate a well-equipped kitchen.”

  Jaylin held the plates as Kristen placed a steak on each of them.

  “I need to say something.” Jaylin sat at the table and started cutting into her steak. “I have too many issues to work out for myself before I can even consider getting involved with anyone. Your kisses make me forget that.”

  “You’re right. I’m not holding to our agreement very well.” Kristen sighed and shook her head. “I wouldn’t blame you if you left.”

  “Are you kidding? And miss out on this incredible looking meal? This steak is excellent. Perfectly done. We can do this.” Jaylin’s last words were almost a whisper.

  “Yeah. We can. Let’s eat,” Kristen said. “My dad loved to barbeque. I learned it all from him. Speaking of my dad, I have a question for you, Dr. Meyers.”

  Jaylin smiled. “Yes?”

  “Robust?” Kristen smirked and tilted her head.

  Jaylin burst out laughing. “It sounded like something James Herriot would say, don’t you think? Doris loved it.”

  Kristen joined in the laughter. “She did love it. I stopped in to say hello, and she couldn’t stop talking about it.”

  “I hope Trixie stays healthy. Doris is so attached to her,” Jaylin said. “Animals are such great companions for the elderly. I can’t imagine how she’ll cope if anything happens to Trixie.”

  “Yeah. Those two even had me considering get
ting a dog.”

  “They’re great company. I don’t know why I never had one before Railroad.” Jaylin took the last bite of her steak and leaned back in her chair. “I’m stuffed.”

  “Me, too. If you’re done eating, I can take you on a little tour.”

  “Sounds good.” Jaylin stood, grabbed her plate and Kristen’s, and all the silverware.

  Kristen picked up the salad bowl and the rest of the empty dishes and followed her into the kitchen as if they’d done it a hundred times before. She allowed herself to enjoy the moment without giving in to the notion that it could be permanent.

  “Do you have any coffee?” Jaylin asked.

  “Sure do. I have one of those Keurig coffee makers. It won’t take long.”

  Five minutes later, Kristen carried their cups outside and they leaned on the railing, shoulders touching.

  “It’s peaceful out here,” Jaylin said.

  “Yes, it is.” She smiled at Jaylin. “I’m glad you accepted my invitation for dinner.”

  Jaylin grinned. “I am, too.”

  “Come on. I’ll show you the barn.” Kristen grabbed Jaylin’s hand and pulled her down the steps.

  “I see Zigzag lives as comfortably as you do,” Jaylin said. She took a deep breath. “I love the smell of barns. Fresh hay, horses, leather tack.” She ran her fingers over the brass latches on the four wooden stall doors. “And is that an automatic watering system?” She pointed to the wall at the back of the stall.

  “Yep. I got tired of hauling the hose out here.”

  “This is great. Do you do all the maintenance? No helpers?”

  “Dad had a high school kid come in and help when his two Appaloosa mares were bred every two years. I do it myself now.” Kristen watched Jaylin study the barn. Lynda had hated the “dirty” floor and “stinky” animals.

  “You okay?” Jaylin asked.

  “Yeah. I guess this barn is so full of memories that I get a little caught up in them sometimes.”

  “I hope they’re mostly good memories,” Jaylin said.

  “Mostly.”

  They wandered quietly through the barn, this silence nothing like the tense one from earlier. Kristen pointed out a thing or two from her time with her dad, and Jaylin asked a few questions about items she didn’t recognize. It was companionable, sweet. Right.

  “Come on. I have a couch in my barn office.” Kristen checked her watch. “It’s only four thirty. You don’t need to leave yet, do you?” She led her past the stalls to a room at the end of the barn.

  “No, I’m good for a while. You have a barn office?”

  “Uh huh. I have Wi-Fi for me and a dish on the roof so Zigzag can watch reruns of Mr. Ed.” Kristen pulled out two bottles of water from a small refrigerator and handed one to Jaylin.

  “Mr. Ed indeed.” Jaylin shook her head and grinned. “This is nice.” She sat on the leather couch and looked around the room. An oak desk sat against a wall across from a window that overlooked the paddock where Zigzag grazed and a bookshelf filled to overflowing rested against the wall next to it.

  “Thanks. Dad used to conduct all of his Appaloosa breeding business from here. I still have the records from all of his horses. I can’t seem to bring myself to get rid of them, although I don’t want to get back into breeding horses. I’ve been living comfortably on what my mom left me when she passed away, but now, I’m not sure what I want from life anymore.” Kristen ran her hand across the top of the desk, and a deep sadness crossed over her face.

  Jaylin willed herself to stay seated. She wanted to pull her into her arms and erase the pain. “I’m sorry about your dad. What kind of doctor is he?”

  “He was a heart surgeon. I remember him being gone a lot when I was a child. He was either doing emergency surgery in the middle of the night or seeing patients during the day. I looked forward to the weekends when he’d mostly be home and we’d spend all day with the horses.”

  “Did your mom work with the horses, too?” Jaylin sat on the couch and watched as Kristen lost herself in memories.

  “She loved to ride, and she supported my father in his breeding business, but she was wrapped up in her Olympic skeet shooting.” Kristen sighed and wiped her hand over her face, as though to scrub away the memories.

  “You told me your mom died of cancer, but did she work before that?” Jaylin didn’t want to dredge up painful memories for Kristen, but the yearning to know her, all of her, urged her to ask.

  “She was a surgical nurse. That’s how she met my dad. She worked until after I was born, then she stayed home to raise me and concentrate on her skeet shooting. Hey. Here I am going on about me.” Kristen looked at her watch. “I’m glad you agreed to spend the day with me.”

  “I’m glad you asked me. I think this friend thing is going to work out.” Jaylin stood and started for the door.

  “What are your plans for tomorrow?” Kristen asked.

  The question surprised Jaylin, and she hesitated. “I’m taking Railroad to a park I discovered last weekend. It has a path through the woods where we can run. And I have my CoDA meeting Sunday nights.”

  “You’ll have to tell me what CoDA is next time we get together. I’ve never heard of it.”

  Together they walked to Jaylin’s car, and Jaylin felt the heaviness of expectation as they ended their day together.

  “Thanks for dinner. It was great. Next time it’s my turn. I’ll admit that I have no cooking skills, so I hope you like carryout.” Jaylin smiled.

  “I don’t need a home cooked meal to enjoy your company. Carryout would be fine. Have a good day tomorrow. I’ll see you on Monday at the parade, right?” Kristen said.

  “Absolutely. See you there.”

  There was a moment, the briefest hesitation, before Jaylin ducked her head and smiled before she got in the car. Kristen stuffed her hands in her pockets and shrugged. Clearly, she’d felt it too. But they’d agreed. It was better this way.

  Jaylin thought about her day with Kristen as she drove home. They’d both managed to relax and enjoy each other’s company. She considered their friendship-only agreement and questioned her desire to hold to it since her heart seemed to be giving her a different message. Kristen’s description of her childhood reminded Jaylin of their differences. There were no gun clubs or horses in her past, and the only decent foster home she remembered was her last one. They’d let her live in their basement until she finished high school. She’d had to struggle her whole life to make ends meet, and her idea of living comfortably was obviously very different from Kristen’s. She probably doesn’t even need to work. Jaylin drove home ignoring the reservations warning her to keep her distance.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sunday night, Jaylin sat in her car for five minutes before heading into the building. The CoDA meeting was already well in session, so she took a seat in the rear of the room. Maggie sat toward the front with her back to Jaylin. In the years she’d attended the Codependents Anonymous meetings, she’d avoided standing at the front of the room and talking. Tonight she felt compelled to tell her story, and the feeling had nearly kept her from attending.

  When the stories waned, and there was a lull in the sharing, she stood and raised her hand. The facilitator smiled and waved Jaylin to the lectern.

  Standing at the front of the room, Jaylin clutched the sides of the podium to hide her nervousness. “My name is Jaylin, and I’m glad to be here. I felt the need to speak tonight.” Jaylin looked out over the room. “A few years ago, I came to CoDA at the suggestion of my therapist. With the help of my sponsor, I got to a place where I felt able to enter into a relationship.” Jaylin met Maggie’s eyes and smiled. “I didn’t think I was all healed and healthy, but I went out with a couple of women and found one that seemed compatible.” Jaylin chuckled and shook her head. “I need to rephrase that. I found one that I could glob on to, become emotionally dependent on, and fix.”

  Memories of Sally washed over her. “The important point I wanted to share
tonight is that I was wrong. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t even know who I was, much less what I needed or deserved. When I finally realized that I was in a terribly dysfunctional relationship that had become abusive, I withdrew. I felt degradation and disrespect was normal, and I need to change that. This codependency stuff is real. I realize I was powerless over my lover, and the only one I can change is myself.

  I look forward to being present in my relationships and honestly sharing who I am without fear or shame.” Jaylin stepped away from the podium. “Thank you all for being here tonight and taking time to listen to my story.” Jaylin walked to her seat followed by applause, and a thumbs-up gesture from Maggie.

  “Can we talk after the meeting?” Jaylin asked Maggie as she walked past her.

  “Of course,” Maggie said.

  At the end of the meeting, Jaylin settled herself at a table with a bottle of water and waited for Maggie.

  “What’s up?” Maggie asked and sat across from her.

  “I’m struggling with my feelings for Kristen.” Jaylin stared into her water bottle as if she could find answers in the clear liquid.

  “That’s good,” Maggie replied.

  “What’s good about it? I say I’m struggling and you say that’s good?”

  “Think about it. You’re allowing yourself to feel something. You may not know what it is, but at least you’re feeling.” Maggie paused for a moment before continuing. “When you spoke tonight, I was impressed with your insight and honesty. You got involved with Sally, probably, because she made you feel things. You’d been in the protective, non-feeling mode for so long that you latched on to any feelings, good or bad. Maybe the bad ones felt most normal for you, and Sally took advantage of that.” Maggie shifted in her chair and leaned forward, her tone serious. “When it comes to Kristen, you don’t trust that she’s safe, and if she is, that you deserve her. And you’re worried that when she gets to know you, she’ll leave.”