The Courage to Try

by C. A. Popovich

  “I’m not so sure I like all this feeling stuff. I wouldn’t mind going back to being numb.” Jaylin groaned.

  Maggie chuckled. “Yeah, but I know you. You’re a brave woman who wants a life. You wouldn’t be here if you didn’t. I know that I used the words ‘she made you feel,’ but I think you know that nobody makes you feel anything. You’re responsible for what you feel. You feel whatever you feel, and you allow others to feel whatever they’re feeling. Your feelings are your own responsibility.”

  “Damn, Maggie. I see why you’re a sponsor.”

  Jaylin hoped all her courageous words would be enough to bring healing to her many wounds. She didn’t want to go through life alone. It was true. No one could make her feel anything, so maybe it was time for her to take charge of her own feelings.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Kristen helped her dad settle into the parade car. A World War II vet would be in the front seat, and her dad and Debby’s brother would be in the backseat. She was glad the weather was lovely enough for the Lincoln convertible to keep the top down. She’d slathered her dad with sunscreen and made sure he had his sunglasses. She kissed his cheek, stepped backward and waved. “I’ll see you at the end of the parade.” She reflected on a time he’d call her back for inspection before she hopped on one of the horses and galloped around the paddock. He’d made sure she’d put on her riding boots and tightened the cinch. Now it was her turn to keep him safe.

  Her father sat up straight and saluted. She blew him a kiss and walked over to where Debby was waiting with their horses.

  “I appreciate your brother watching out for Dad.”

  “He’s happy to do it.” Debby gave Shadow’s mane one last combing. “He’s looking forward to spending some time with other veterans. He doesn’t talk much about his experience in Iraq, so I think this will be good for him.”

  Kristen double-checked the tightness of the cinch on her parade saddle as a knot balled up in her stomach. “I’m not sure Dad will be much company for him. When I picked him up this morning, he was confused about where he was going and why he was wearing his 101st Airborne military uniform. His eyes lit up when he saw the horses and flags though.”

  Kristen grabbed the jacket she had thrown behind her saddle and slipped into it before mounting.

  “Whoa, Kris. That jacket is unbelievable. You, my friend, are going to have every woman, lesbian or straight, chasing after you today.” Debby swung herself into her parade saddle and gawked at Kristen. “I might be first in line.”

  “Thanks. I couldn’t let Zig have all the attention. I bought this when I got my saddle.” The Nez Perce black leather, fringed jacket had the same red, yellow, and blue beading as her saddle. “You can probably drop behind in that line. You like short leather skirts and stilettos, remember?” Kristen grinned. “You’ll never see those on me.”

  “Yeah, but damn, you look hot. And I can use my imagination.”

  Kristen laughed and shook her head. “Let’s go show off.” Kristen wondered if Jaylin would agree with Debby.

  *

  The area fenced off for the dog obedience events was at the opposite end of the grounds from where the parade was starting. Jaylin could hear and smell the horses, but the band members and Cub Scout groups scurrying to get in position blocked her view. Kristen was here somewhere, and Jaylin couldn’t wait to see her, though she tried to ignore just how excited she was about that prospect. She took Railroad in search of a good vantage point along the parade route. She set up three folding chairs, sat down, and sent a text to Maria.

  The crowd clapped and cheered as a twenty-foot high float with a ten-foot-by-ten-foot American flag made completely of red, white, and blue crepe paper flowers, inched by. Next in line were four convertibles filled with flag waving American veterans of various wars. Jaylin recognized Dr. Eckert and waved. He looked comfortable and alert, although he didn’t wave back. She hoped he was lucid enough to enjoy the event.

  The arrival of her two friends interrupted her search for Kristen.

  “This is great,” Dana said as Maria sat in one of Jaylin’s chairs and set a small cooler next to them. She retrieved a bottle of water from the cooler and offered one each to Jaylin and Maria. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been to a parade.”

  “I guess this one has been going on for years. I love the bands.” Jaylin motioned at the high school band passing by.

  “I love anything musical. Thanks for inviting us, Jaylin,” Maria said.

  “I’m glad you could make it. Railroad looks forward to showing off later. You didn’t bring Frankie, huh?”

  “No. I wasn’t sure how he’d react to a large crowd. He’s fine at home, probably curled up in his bed.”

  The eruption of applause interrupted their conversation. Jaylin looked to the parade, and her mouth went dry. Kristen and Zigzag had captured the attention of the crowd. She was hatless, her hair in a tight braid with its red highlights shimmering in the morning sunshine. Jaylin was captivated by the stunning beaded saddle, bridle, and matching leather fringed jacket. She wore those sexy faded jeans she’d worn at the keyhole event, with soft looking beaded moccasins.

  “Wow. That’s magnificent,” Maria said.

  “Yeah. I’ve never seen a saddle like that,” Dana said.

  Jaylin sat spellbound. Kristen was resplendent. Kristen tilted her head slightly, as if hearing Jaylin’s thoughts, and turned to gaze directly at her. Kristen’s blue eyes sparkled as her grin spread. She waved, and Jaylin stood and clapped with enthusiasm. She mouthed, beautiful, and Kristen winked.

  “Do you know that woman?” Maria asked.

  Good question. “Her name is Kristen. We worked together for a few weeks when I first moved here.”

  “She’s nice looking.”

  “Nice looking? She’s way hot,” Dana said. She pulled Maria into a one-armed hug and grinned.

  Jaylin sat in her chair and laughed at her good-natured banter. “I agree with you both. She’s nice looking, and she’s way hot.”

  They watched the last few horses and riders make their way along the parade route, but Jaylin’s thoughts were on Kristen. Her wink may as well have been a caress, based on her body’s reaction. She still felt the warmth and slight buzz between her legs. She sighed. What the hell am I going to do? She hoped they could find time to talk after the parade.

  “You like her, don’t you?” Maria asked.

  “She’s a good person. I do like her,” Jaylin said.

  “Uh huh. I meant you seem taken with her. As if you’d want more than friendship.”

  “God. I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

  “Important relationships are. Let me know if you want to talk.” Maria squeezed Jaylin’s arm and offered a knowing smile.

  They watched the Cub Scout troops march past, waving flags and carrying a banner with their troop number in bold letters. Another band followed, and the crowd sang along to “The Star-Spangled Banner” and “America the Beautiful.” Jaylin heard Maria’s voice harmonizing with the mass of people. An antique fire truck, driven by the local firefighters, rode past blasting its siren and occasionally spraying water into the air. A line of children clapped, and adults kept them from running into the street after it. A float sponsored by a local bank followed the fire truck with red, white, and blue LED lights forming dazzling American flags covering the entire thing. “You’re a Grand Old Flag,” blared from speakers on either side, and the crowd cheered as it rolled past.

  “Mind if I join you?”

  Jaylin jumped at the soft breath on her ear. “Kristen. Of course.” Jaylin shifted her chair closer to Maria to make room for Kristen’s folding chair.

  “Are you done already? The parade isn’t over yet,” Jaylin said. Anticipation fluttered in her belly.

  “Yeah. We were at the front of the line, so I put Zig in the barn and came out to find you.”

  Jaylin realized she was staring when a light cough got her attention. “I’m sorry.” Jayli
n fumbled through introductions. Maria shook her hand politely, and Dana gave Kristen a mischievous grin. Maria nudged Dana unsubtly in the ribs.

  “I can’t stay long. I have to get Dad. He was content to visit with the other veterans, but I could tell he was getting tired. I was hoping we could talk, but later would be better, if that’s okay?” Kristen settled into her chair and rested her arm along the back of Jaylin’s.

  Jaylin resisted the temptation to lean into her. “Yeah, that would be fine. I’m glad you found me.” The words felt laden with meaning, and she pushed the feeling away.

  They watched the last of the parade and Kristen stood. “I need to head back. I’ll stop by the dog obedience area after I collect my dad. See you all later. Nice to meet you.” Just before walking away, she leaned down and placed a feather light kiss on Jaylin’s lips. “Later,” she whispered.

  “That’s it. I want to know all about Ms. ‘It’s complicated.’” Maria turned to face Jaylin and Dana waited with a grin, too.

  Jaylin was stunned. She hadn’t expected the kiss, and her whole body simmered. “As I said. It’s complicated.” She was sure she was stammering.

  Maria and Dana shared a glance before Maria spoke. “Okay. Let’s go see Railroad work. You can tell us all about Kristen at dinner afterward.”

  *

  “Come on, Dad. I’ve got your wheelchair ready. We’ll go watch the dog obedience for a few minutes before I take you home.” Kristen could tell the event had taken a lot out of her father. Debby’s brother told her that her dad had nodded off several times toward the end of the parade, but she wanted to say good-bye to Jaylin.

  “Will that nice young veterinarian be there?” her dad asked.

  Kristen shook her head in wonder. Of all the things he could remember, what about Jaylin made her one of them? “Yes, Dad. She’s waiting for us not too far from here.”

  The fenced off area where the obedience exhibition was located had attracted a large number of spectators, but they parted quickly when they saw Kristen’s uniformed, wheelchair-bound father. Kristen spotted Dana and Maria sitting along the fenced area. She wheeled her father to their seats and introduced her dad. “May I sit with you?”

  “Of course.” Maria pointed to Jaylin’s empty chair. “Have a seat.”

  “Thanks. Are you comfortable there, Dad?” Kristen positioned her father in the shade next to them.

  “I’m fine, honey. Did your mother come today?”

  Kristen’s heart ached. “No. Not today, Dad.”

  “She’s probably working. She’s a nurse at that hospital downtown. She works too damn much.” Kristen watched her father’s eyes flutter closed after speaking, and he quickly drifted to sleep.

  “I’ll have to get him home soon,” Kristen said.

  “We’ll let Jaylin know you were here if you have to go. You did come to see Jaylin and Railroad didn’t you?” Dana asked. “She told us that you worked together?”

  “I filled in as Jaylin’s vet tech for a while when she first moved here. I wanted to see the wonder dog in action. So, how do you two know Jaylin?”

  “We live in Marine City, which is near St. Clair. She invited us to the parade so we drove out here this morning. We’re going to grab a bite to eat at Panera Bread later and then head home. Would you join us?” Maria asked.

  “I have to take my dad to the residence and then trailer my horse home. After that, I’ll swing by the restaurant and see if you guys are still there.”

  “Sounds good,” Dana said.

  “Is that the nice veterinarian?” her father suddenly asked.

  “Yes, it is, Pop.” Kristen couldn’t believe her father was alert enough to recognize Jaylin. Especially from so far away, while running full speed with a border collie mix glued to her left leg.

  “She took care of Doris’s little dog, you know.”

  “Yes, she did. Her dog’s name is Railroad. She’s doing obedience with her.” Kristen had no idea if her father knew what she was telling him, but she had to try. He’d been more alert today than he’d been in a long time, but she knew just how fleeting that could be.

  “Oh.” His eyes glazed and Kristen could tell he was trying to figure out what he was seeing.

  She watched as Railroad perfectly executed every command Jaylin gave her. “She is good, isn’t she?”

  “Yeah. Very good,” Dana said. “I’ve seen many obedience trials, and it’s rare that a dog dedicates itself so thoroughly to its owner. Jaylin must work with her a lot.”

  “Do you do dog obedience, too?” Kristen asked.

  “No. I run a dog grooming school in Marine City. I groom at quite a few dog shows, and a lot of those have obedience events.”

  Kristen watched intently as Jaylin put Railroad through her commands. Her gentleness and concentration inspired pride and an emotion she couldn’t quite identify but one that scared her. She looked over at her dad and his attentiveness surprised her.

  “What do you think, Dad? She’s pretty good isn’t she?”

  “Yes. I like that dog. It’s bigger than the one Doris has.”

  “She is bigger than Trixie. I bet Jaylin would bring her to visit if you asked her.”

  “Maybe she could bring your mother with her, too. She always wanted a dog.”

  Kristen was dumbfounded by her father’s statement.

  “She probably can’t bring Mom with her, but I’m sure she’d bring her dog to visit you.” Her dad nodded off again, and her heart swelled with love for him. She turned to Jaylin’s friends. “I think I need to get Dad home. Tell Jaylin she looked great out there. I’ll try to make it to Panera later.” Kristen stood and rested her hand on her father’s shoulder.

  “Will do. See you later,” Dana said.

  Kristen headed back to her truck with her father, who occasionally woke long enough to look around. She could see the confusion on his face, but before she could console him, he’d drifted off again. She managed to get him in the truck, and her heart broke as she saw him trying to figure out his surroundings, although he didn’t ask any questions. Fate was so cruel.

  She headed toward her dad’s home and soothed herself with images of Jaylin’s gorgeous body maneuvering through the obedience course.

  Chapter Twenty

  “Did I see Kristen here earlier?” Jaylin finished with Railroad’s events and joined her friends on the sidelines.

  “Yeah,” Maria replied. “She took her dad and her horse home and said she’d join us later at Panera.”

  “That’d be great. Are we ready to head over there?” Jaylin hid her disappointment at missing Kristen, but she realized it must have been a long day for Kristen’s father. She turned to wave good-bye to her fellow obedience participants.

  “Can we stop by your new clinic on the way? I’d love to see it,” Maria asked.

  “Sure. It’s not out of the way.”

  Jaylin gave Dana and Maria a tour of her clinic and they sat outside for a few minutes watching the birds at the feeder.

  “I like it,” Dana said.

  “Yeah. It’s cozy.” Maria raised her face to the sun, her eyes closed.

  “Thanks. I like it here. So far, the clients have all been receptive and Bill told me he’s gotten positive feedback, so I guess I’m doing all right.”

  “Now I’ll be able to tell Frankie that I found his Dr. Jay. He wasn’t happy with the new vet that bought your practice,” Maria said.

  “What happened?” Jaylin tensed, worried that the doctor she’d entrusted her clinic to wasn’t good.

  “I didn’t mean there was anything wrong with him. Sorry. It’s just that Frankie is used to you. He trusts you.”

  Jaylin laughed with relief. “Well, then. You tell him I miss him, too. You did get the letter I sent you with my new address didn’t you?”

  “Yes, and now that I know where you are, I’m going to bring him here. It only took us about forty-five minutes to get here. That’s not so bad.”

  “Thank you, Maria.
I appreciate that you’d make that trip. I’d love to take care of Frankie, of course. If you have time when you bring him, plan to join me for lunch. I’m here on Mondays, and you don’t usually work Mondays, right?”

  “Right. Sounds good. I’ll plan on it. So, shall we go eat?”

  Jaylin smiled as they gathered their things. She thought about how much she’d wanted to date Maria, once upon a time. Now she knew they wouldn’t have been a good match, and she was glad to have both Maria and Dana as friends. Kristen, however, felt like an incredibly good match. If only. Dana and Maria followed her to the café, and although it was busy, they managed to find a booth next to a window overlooking a wooded area.

  “They have good food. I come here for lunch sometimes.”

  Dana’s face was practically pressed against the glass as she gaped at the various freshly baked desserts and breads.

  Jaylin could tell Maria was nearly bursting in anticipation of hearing about Kristen. They placed their order and Jaylin started talking, not bothering to wait for the impending questions.

  “I met Kristen when I was first offered the position in the new clinic. She and I didn’t hit it off right away, but we worked things out and managed to work together for several weeks.”

  “I’d say you worked things out pretty well, based on that tender kiss this afternoon,” Maria said.

  Jaylin unconsciously touched her lips. They still seemed to hold Kristen’s warmth. “Yeah. She’s tender, gentle, and kind, and just plain sexy.” Jaylin sighed, knowing she’d revealed more than she’d intended.

  Maria smiled and took Jaylin’s hand. “I’m happy for you. You deserve someone who is ‘gentle, and kind, and just plain sexy.’”

  “Enough about me. How are you two doing and what’s new in St. Clair?” Jaylin picked up her glass of iced tea and took a sip, hoping they’d let her change the topic.