Still Human jh-2

by Kerry Heavens

  Both Liv and my sandwich are waiting when I get in and I order us two coffees before I sit in the seat opposite her.

  “Sorry, I saw you were talking to Max and I didn’t want to intrude, so I called Jen.”

  “How is she?” she asks.

  “She’s great, she’s always great.” I smile. “She’s been really supportive, you know?” Liv nods, understanding.

  My hunger has returned now that the mood has lightened and I take a bite of my sandwich as we sit together in comfortable silence. We have a lot of work to do, well, I do. But at last I feel like it will eventually be okay. Who knows, maybe it will be better, especially if we take our time. I smile to myself as I chew. Liv speaks, pulling me out of my thoughts.

  “Has someone sorted out what we are paying you?” she asks, all business.

  I frown, dropping my sandwich on my plate and my buoyant mood comes crashing down with it. I stare at her, hoping to find some sign that she is joking, but she isn’t. “I don’t want your money.” I’m suddenly angry, offended.

  “But if you’re working here, which I’m assured you are, every single day, then you have to be paid for it like everyone else,” she says. She possibly doesn’t mean any malice but she sounds so cold. I’m left reeling.

  “I’m not 'working here', I’m helping out and I’m not taking a cent for it.” I can’t believe this.

  “But you need money, Danny, how are you living?” Her tone borders on concern, but I hardly notice in my fury.

  “I’m fine.”

  “What about your work, aren’t you supposed to be flat out with that right now?”

  “I have time for both.”

  “I can’t have you giving up your time for nothing.”

  “It’s not for nothing Liv, why can’t you see that?” My frustration gets the better of me as I raise my voice.

  “But…” she begins, but I cut her off.

  “Forget it, Liv, I’m not taking your money.” I grab my half-eaten sandwich on its plate and storm into the kitchen. I slam the remains of my food in the bin in frustration and crash around. I grip the edge of the counter and pause for a moment, breathless. I drop my head and breathe deeply. It’s going to be like this for a while I remind myself. I should expect disagreements and misunderstandings while we readjust our boundaries. I can’t fly off the handle if I want her to forgive me and let me back in. I stand up and straighten myself out, snapping myself out of my dark mood. She has just said she still loves me, this is not the time to lose it.

  She still loves me…She still loves me…She still loves me…this is my mantra.

  I make my way back to her, but my face falls when I find the booth empty. I rub my face. Fucking, stupid asshole! I kick myself for ruining it.

  She still loves me…why am I ruining it?

  I double back hoping to find her somewhere and slam straight into her, knocking her off her feet. My arms fly around her instantly and I catch her before she falls. I pause, breathing hard, our bodies pressed together and our faces so close. I’m holding every inch of her tight against me and the feeling is incredible. I could just lean forward a couple of inches and our lips would touch.

  She still loves me…don’t push it.

  I shake my head, not yet, I remind myself and gently stand her back up, releasing her once she is balanced. “Shit, sorry,” I murmur regaining my senses. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?” I suddenly panic, scanning her up and down for some sign that I’ve caused her harm.

  “I’m fine,” she breathes.

  “I didn’t know where you were.” I offer as a feeble explanation.

  She gestures at the counter, where two coffees are sitting, waiting. “Everyone was busy, I made us coffee. Can’t carry them though.” She shrugs and passes me, returning to the booth. I grab them and follow her.

  “You shouldn’t be doing that, get someone else to do it for you, it’s what you pay them for.” I frown then smile a tight smile, realising the irony of my point.

  “I’m perfectly capable of standing up long enough to make a coffee.” She scoffs. “Besides, I’m not paying you, so I couldn’t ask you to do it now could I?”

  I shake my head, but this time, in amusement. “You're so stubborn. I don’t want money from you and that’s final.” I hold her stare, assuring her that I’m not budging. “It’s bad enough I eat here and can’t pay for it.”

  “You shouldn’t be here if you have your own work to do though.”

  “It’s fine. I do a little each day and I’m way ahead of schedule. I kind of threw myself into it after…um, when I had some time on my own.” I correct. I don’t want to dampen things discussing that grief-stricken time after she left.

  “Okay.” She concedes. “But please don’t kill yourself.”

  Peace is restored and we talk shop while we finish our coffees. I help her back up to her flat and then, before I start work, I run down to the ATM to check my balance.

  A smile spreads over my face as I slowly walk away holding the balance slip. I opened an account here last week and transferred my savings over. I’ve left just enough behind to pay off my final bills, credit cards and utilities. Jen is handling it all for me. The guy that valued the Shelby called me on the day of Liv’s accident, which I ignored. But he was persistent, so eventually I called him back and it turned out he knew a collector interested in buying the old girl. I hesitated for a moment until he offered enough money to buy a house! Dad met with him on my behalf and negotiated in a way only Dad can. He threw in all the spares and tools I’d accumulated fixing her up and got a great return for me, which arrived in my account yesterday. It looks a little less in £’s but combined with my not-too-shabby savings, I have quite a nest egg.

  I’ve worked really hard and made a name for myself in an industry that pays someone with my skills well. I’ve had very low living expenses apart from the Shelby, which turned out to be an excellent investment, so I’ve saved a lot over the last few years. That money on top of the car money will buy us a house. A nice one. It will pay for a wedding and a honeymoon. I may feel like I wasted my twenties not being with Liv, but heartbreak kept me unattached and with a strong work ethic that has secured our future. It’s sad that the Shelby has gone, but she has paid the way to my life with Liv and I won’t regret selling her for a second. Tomorrow, I’m going to buy a car – a sensible one – and get a cell phone. Then all I need is to get the girl. No going back.

  She still loves me…

  Chapter Ten

  Danny

  I’ve never needed you more.

  She still loves me…

  Ever since yesterday when I asked her the question, her burning gaze and affirming nod have played over and over again in my head. All through the evening at work, if my brain diverted for a second away from the constant stream of Saturday night customers, I would see those eyes, that nod.

  She still loves me….

  Max has stepped back now, leaving us to figure it out for ourselves. But I know I have a lot to thank him for. Although he isn’t saying, I know he and Charlie gave Liv a stern talking to yesterday. Why else would she suddenly visit me and even watch me sleep, then ask to meet me in the bar? I’m certain he knows about our conversation yesterday afternoon and even if he didn’t the look on my face must have given me away. But he isn’t making anything of it so that Liv and I can quietly start repairing things.

  She still loves me…so my new life starts here.

  I survey the cars on the forecourt of the Land Rover dealership. I had it all planned out. As soon as I realised I would be moving here, I knew which car I would buy.

  In LA, everything is big. I mean, lots of folks have succumbed to the lure of the hybrids and many celebrities are throwing their weight around about the whole issue. If they stopped to find out the facts about the massive environmental impact of actually producing these ‘green cars’ they might hush. Anyway…I’ve looked at Range Rovers before, but I had an adequate truck and I had my baby, so I couldn�
��t really justify it. But I knew that when I came to buy my next car, this is where I would end up. Now that I’m standing here, however, in the UK, these cars seem so…big. Too big really. But I like them.

  A couple of hours later I emerge with handful of paperwork. They had one in a dealership in the north somewhere, with all the specs I wanted. So I took the plunge, ordered it and it will be delivered in a few days. It feels indulgent, but I can’t settle here yet, not like I want to, not without Liv, so I’ve indulged. So what? I know I will feel more rooted if I’ve something physical here and I can’t wait. I walk back through town and head to the cell phone store.

  She still loves me…

  When I get back to the bar, I go looking for Max. I know he will love the car brochure I’ve brought back with me and I want to show Liv too. She’ll be surprised I’m sure. She hasn’t asked me what my long-term plans are yet, but buying a car here should show beyond doubt that I’m intent on sticking around. I’d buy a house too, but I couldn’t do it without her, I wouldn’t want to.

  She still loves me…it will happen, in time.

  Max isn’t behind the bar, or in the kitchen. Liv isn’t in the diner. I shrug and go back to the bar. I hear Max’s voice coming from the store room.

  “Of course, it’s going to take time to get back to where you were. You just have to take things slowly, you’ll get there.

  It’s what you want deep down and you know it.” I freeze beside the slightly open door, then I hear Liv’s voice.

  She sighs. “I just don’t see how I can get past it. How can I trust him after all this?”

  “It won’t happen all at once, you’ll take it slow.”

  Then I can’t quite hear what is being said, I hear the word ‘trust’ again, then it sounds very much like she says, “What if it’s not what I want anymore?” Then more mumbling, followed by what I’m certain is this… “The thought of him touching me again…” and her tone resembles disgust. My heart feels liked it’s being crushed.

  More mumbling, followed by, “But you love each other” from Max. This I hear clearly, he sounds incredulous.

  “It’s not enough.” She snaps. She may have said ‘what if’ at the beginning of that sentence, but I’m not sure about anything anymore. I’m just in shock at what I’m hearing.

  “You’re being ridiculous and stubborn.” He snaps back. Then says something else I can’t pick up.

  “How am I being ridiculous?” Her voice is raised now.

  Max says something in response and he is quite firm, but I can’t tell what it is. Liv doesn’t like it though.

  “Don’t you dare!” she says. “You have no idea how I’m feeling.” The door flies open, fortunately concealing me in its wake. She storms away through the bar, as fast as she can on her crutches.

  I stand frozen to the spot, destroyed by her words. Tears sting my eyes.

  The door begins to swing closed again. Max is standing there with his hands on his hips staring after Liv. He shakes his head and turns around. His face when he sees me standing behind him adds to my desperation. Clearly I didn’t get the wrong impression from what I overheard, his look is one of pity.

  “Mate…” he says with a sympathetic tone.

  I shake my head. I can’t take whatever he has to say. I push past him, straight through the bar and out onto the street. I keep walking. Tears really threaten now. I can’t let myself go. Not out in the open, I’ve some dignity. I’ve held it together this long and there have been many times when I felt like I couldn’t take any more. I just keep walking.

  She still loves me…but it isn’t enough.

  My cell rings. I ignore it. Then I pull it out of my pocket, I need to talk to Jen. A message from Max appears on my screen.

  ‘Where are you going?’

  I know I owe him more than a disappearing act, but I don’t know what to say.

  Its been like a pressure cooker since I arrived and the emotional ups and downs are exhausting. For the first time, I briefly consider a trip home. I know there is no going back, I have no home there. But maybe a few days with Jen would help me. I don’t want anyone, least of all Liv to think I’m giving up though. That’s not what it’s about. I just feel like there is nowhere to hide here and I’ve never been so alone.

  I don’t do the math until the phone is ringing, but I figure it’s past 8am in LA, so I may get away with it. Scott won’t like it if I mess with his lazy Sunday morning, but hey. I breathe deeply, trying not to let the emotion get the better of me. Liv is entitled to her opinion, it’s just crushing, that’s all.

  “Hello?” Jen answers, sleepily.

  “Oh thank God. I’ve never needed you more.” I say.

  “Oh no, what’s happened? I thought it was going well.” She jumps into her role straight away.

  “So did I, I thought she still loved me.” I choke back tears as I cross the main road towards the park.

  “Jesus Danny, what’s going on, are you okay?”

  “No, I’m not. I don’t know what to do.”

  “Okay, you’re scaring me. What happened, I can’t help you if you’re being cryptic.”

  This snaps me out of it, I realise I wasn’t being clear and I would be so worried about her if the tables were turned. “Sorry. I’m okay, I just need to talk. I didn’t mean to worry you.” I make my way across the park and turn down the familiar path. As the tree comes into view I’m momentarily distracted by Toby from the bar walking past me to work. He smiles but quickly realises I’m deep in conversation, we pass with a nod.

  “Danny, tell me what’s going on,” Jen insists.

  I sigh. “I just overheard Liv tell Max that she doesn’t want to be with me, I just needed to hear your voice.”

  “She said that?”

  “Well, in a word.”

  “Exactly what did she say?”

  “Just that the thought of me touching her ever again makes her skin crawl and she can’t get past it or something.”

  “She actually said those words?”

  “Oh I don’t know, but that was the meaning. Max got mad at her and she stormed off. She doesn’t know I heard. But Max saw me. I just walked out and before I knew it I was talking to you. I’m supposed to be working tonight, it’s such a mess!” I drop myself down onto the trunk of the tree, trying not to think too much about the last time I was here.

  “Okay, listen, Are you okay? Do I need to worry about what you are going to do next?”

  “No, I’ll be fine.” I sigh. I guess I would feel the same, so far away. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

  “So what are you going to do now?”

  “Talk to you until you're sick of me, then probably get drunk.”

  “Does Max know where you are?”

  “No.”

  “Do you know where you are?”

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m at the park. Don’t worry about my safety, just tell me what I should do. What am I even doing here, Jen? She was never going to forgive me was she?”

  “Come on Danny, you know that’s not true.”

  “But she can’t stand the idea of me touching her ever again, what does that tell you?”

  “She said it makes her skin crawl, really?”

  “Yeah…I don’t know…I guess…I got out of there as fast as I could.”

  “DANNY! Are you sure you heard it right?”

  “I know what she meant from her tone and the way Max got mad. It’s okay, Jen, I know I’m just going to have to get over it.”

  “You need to talk to her, or Max at least, and find out what was said. It could be a huge misunderstanding.”

  “No, there is nothing else she could have meant.” I sigh. “Maybe I should just come home.”

  “No way. You haven’t given it enough time.”

  “But when am I going to get the hint, that this wasn’t meant to be? I’ve tried so hard, I’m giving her so much space. I don’t know how much more I can take. I just wish I was there.”

  �
��There is nothing here to make you happy, your home is there now. You just have to keep trying.”

  I laugh a little to myself. This is ridiculous. I have nowhere to go. “I bought a car today, just trying to settle in a little. Ironic huh?”

  “Come on now, don’t be defeated so easily. You’ve held onto this for half your life. You’re not giving up on it now.”

  I sit staring out across the view down the hill and sigh heavily. It all seems so hopeless. I don’t know why I came to this spot exactly, nothing good ever happens to me here. It just has this kind of gravitational pull. My roots really are here.

  “You still there?” she asks.

  “Yeah,” I reply.

  “Go and talk to Max. Find out what she said for sure and if you still feel like this, call me back.”

  “Okay…thanks Jen.”

  “It’s what I’m here for,” she says and I try to imagine her comforting smile.

  When I slide my cell back into my pocket and glance back down the path, Max is there. He’s just standing waiting, with both hands shoved in his pockets, waiting for me to finish talking to Jen. My shoulders slump in response to his sympathetic gaze as he comes over.

  “You had me worried for a minute. I didn’t know where you’d go,” he says.

  “What gave me away?”

  “Toby said he saw you. He said you looked angry.”

  A small laugh almost erupts at the thought of me ‘looking angry’. “I’m ok.”

  Max shuffles his feet around in the dusty earth beneath the trunk. “Look, I’m really sorry you had to hear all of that, she can be so stubborn sometimes, she’s her own worst enemy, but she is coming around.”

  “It didn’t sound that way to me.” I scoff. “She can’t trust me…she doesn’t know if it’s enough…or even what she wants anymore, and the thought of me touching her again…” I trail off, not capable of finishing that sentence without crumbling.

  “I think you got that a bit twisted.” He laughs.

  “It’s okay. I know I’m wasting my time, she’s never going to forgive me.”

  Max frowns. “Mate, she already has. Wasn’t that clear?”