Still Human jh-2

by Kerry Heavens

  “Um, no, not exactly.” I murmur, it’s not exactly clear now either. “If she can’t stand the thought of me ever touching her again, how can we be together?”

  “Who said she couldn’t stand it?” He looks bemused, but not as bemused as me. “She wants it…err, no, that sounded wrong! She wasn’t saying she couldn’t stand the thought, she was saying it was a lovely thought.”

  Okay, I’m so confused.

  Max continues. “She doesn’t know how to turn it around and say she can trust you and that she forgives you, but she does. I was telling her that I think she’s being unfair keeping you at arm’s length, she didn’t like it that’s all.”

  I rub my face, unsure how to deal with this about-turn. Did I really hear it so wrong? “But it sounded like she was writing me off.”

  He sighs. “She’s trying to play it like she’ll never be able to trust you again, but I can tell it’s just an act. She wants to get back to how things were between you, she’s tempted, but she needs a push to drop all the nonsense.”

  “This is your opinion.” I point out. “Not fact.”

  “Oh it’s fact,” he says. “I know it, she knows it and if it wasn’t concerning you, you’d know it too. Trust me.”

  “This is a real headfuck.” I moan. “What do I do?”

  Max laughs a little ruefully. Then pauses, trying to be diplomatic I think. “I should say you’re on your own…that I can’t get involved,” he says. “But she holds all the cards and she isn’t playing fair. So here’s the thing…” He turns to face me. “You have to just make it happen.”

  I stare blankly at him, waiting for more than that vague directive. But he seems to have finished.

  “How?” I ask, redundantly.

  “Just don’t take no for an answer. Push your way back in. But, at the same time, give her nothing. Make her want you, but make her wonder what you want. Show her how much you care, but with no affection.” He grins. “It won’t be pretty, but it’s what she needs. It will take some time and it might feel like it’s getting you nowhere, but in the end, she’ll be putty in your hands, I promise.”

  “That sounds like something that would piss her off.” I point out, but even as I’m saying it, I know he’s right…and it amuses me too. I mean, I told her it would all be okay. That nothing mattered as long as she still loved me and believed what I told her about Brooke. I told her confidently that I would show her…and I meant something along these lines I guess. I meant that I would simply find a way of showing her that we had to be together. What I’d envisaged was slightly less devious. But I’m starting to think that being a bit more forceful might be the only way in.

  She still loves me, I remind myself…and I’m going to get her back.

  Max laughs with a mischievous look in his eyes. “And I know just where to start,” he says.

  Chapter Eleven

  Liv

  I’m not a child...

  I drum my fingers on the table impatiently. Where is Max? He knows what time my appointment is. I check my watch, 13:35. We need to leave in ten minutes, he’s cutting it close. I watch Danny restocking the bar. He’s working really hard and I can’t pretend it isn’t having the desired effect. He’s been pretty great actually, even though I’m not quite ready to admit it.

  Since I saw him first the other day, he hasn’t pushed me, he’s stopped calling me every hour and has just stayed in the background. Which I know must be really hard for him. I try not to be too obvious watching him, but when he glances up, he catches my eye and smiles. Shit! Thankfully, he has a full tray of glasses to go out to the kitchen and he walks away. I blow out a long breath. It’s harder not being with him than I thought it would be. Not that I could just magically trust him. But it still aches to be near him and not with him.

  My mind drifts into an inappropriate daydream, which I quickly shut down. I can't allow these thoughts just because he’s being helpful, I scold myself but not quickly enough to stop the hot flush from sweeping over me. I hope no one notices. I look up to see if I got away with it and find him standing over me with his jacket on. I frown.

  He extends his hand to help me up. “I’m taking you.” He explains when he sees how confused I am.

  “Where’s Max?” I ask as I allow him to help me up.

  “Taking the day off,” he replies as if it’s of little consequence.

  “But he said he would take me to the hospital.”

  “Well, I offered and he accepted,” he says, all pleased with himself.

  “And no one wanted to discuss it with me?” I feel furious all of sudden. “I’m not a child, Danny.” I huff as I push past him with my crutches.

  “Nobody thinks you are a child, Liv. I just thought it made more sense than him coming in especially.”

  I’m out the door, while he’s still talking. Then it occurs to me, how are we going to get there? I turn to Danny to see him pulling keys from his pocket. Maybe he has borrowed Max’s car. To my left, a swanky silver Range Rover unlocks and Danny scoots round me to open the passenger door. I’ve no idea what is going on, my face must be a picture. While he goes around to the driver’s door, I try to smooth out my features into indifference. I’m still annoyed that they sorted this out without consulting me.

  The new car smell is overwhelming. “Whose car is this?” I can’t help but ask, as he climbs in.

  “Mine,” he says with boyish pride. “Like it?’

  “You bought a car?”

  “Uh-huh.” He manoeuvres this monster out of the space.

  My mind races through all the questions…

  1) Are you staying then?

  2) Are you that sure I’ll take you back?

  3) Have you already moved?

  4) Where is your stuff?

  5) Where will you live?

  6) Should I be happy or furious that all of this has been decided without me?

  I manage to run through this silently without a multitude of facial expressions, but I’m sure he knows what I’m thinking as he sits smugly beside me at the wheel of his new car.

  “It’s nice,” I manage meekly. How much did it cost is all I can think. I don’t know how much money he makes, it’s none of my business, but he has two other cars already. Unless…no, he wouldn’t sell her, would he? Not on the off chance we could get back together. I can’t believe he’s bought a brand-new car, here. He must be intent on staying. I’ve refused to ask him what his plans are, but I’d assumed that he would go home at some point. This says otherwise.

  “Oh and this is my new cell number,” he says, as he hands me a folded piece of paper without taking his eyes off the road. I silently accept it and glance at the number. It has no plusses or strange numbers in front of it. It starts with a zero seven…it’s a plain old British mobile number. He has a UK mobile! Once again, I hope that none of these calculations and the questions they prompt are evident in my face as I try to maintain an air of indifference. I’m not asking him about it…I’m just not!

  We ride in silence to the hospital and he parks the beast nice and close for me. It isn’t discussed whether he will wait in the waiting room for me, or come in to hold my hand – metaphorically speaking. While I want to tell him not to come in, I’m slightly nervous about what they’ll do, so I say nothing and wait to see what he does.

  “Olivia Harper.” The nurse calls from the door.

  Danny’s hand is in front of me before I can react and he picks up my jacket and bag as he follows me into the room with the nurse. I suppress a grin and chastise myself. But, like it or not, I’m a bit pleased that he thinks it’s his place to accompany me.

  The fresh air to my skin is the most surreal feeling. My leg is mortifyingly hairy, but what can I do? On either side of my ankle are four-inch angry scars that I can’t take my eyes off.

  “Whoa!” says Danny beside me in horrified wonder. He almost seems impressed.

  “Yeah, Whoa.” I agree. I can’t believe it either. I’ve been so detached from this leg
that I’d no idea what to expect, but this seems really dramatic.

  The nurse sets about removing the stitches. Some are quite painful, but Danny’s hand clasps mine as I suck air through my teeth. He seems to know just how to be. Max has been fantastic and he would do this for me, if a little green around the gills. But I have to admit, I’ve been needing Danny’s strong comfort since this happened.

  “Wait here,” he says, as we emerge from the entrance of the hospital. “I’ll bring the car over.”

  “No, it’s fine, this thing is light as a feather now, I can hop easily.” I smile wiggling my new purple ‘normal’ cast in front of me. I feel so much better, even though it will be another six weeks before I’m allowed to put any weight on it, just being rid of that heavy bandage has made such a difference.

  We walk back to the car together and he helps me in. I sigh as I watch him coming round. I feel it happening already. I must hold off, let him do what he needs to do to build my trust again. But it’s hard. We haven’t talked once about that night with Brooke since I gave him the chance to explain it to me. But I looked him in the eyes as he told me and I knew it was the truth. Not just because it was what I wanted to hear, I know him and I know he was being honest. Now I just have to figure out what more I want from him before I give in.

  If I believe him, why haven't I fallen into his arms? I think I need more, some proof of his love. No, he is doing that really... It's more that I need proof that he loves me like I love him. I've spent so many years struggling with the imbalance in our affections, which left me utterly heartbroken. Now he’s suggesting that he felt the same. Well I want to see it. I want evidence that he loves me as much, if not more than I love him. I don’t want to feel like the weak one in our relationship anymore. I'm not sure if that's reasonable, but I don't care. It's what I need.

  “You okay?” he asks, as I stare out the window.

  I nod.

  “Does it feel better, not having that big bandage?”

  “Much. I just wish I could have a really good wash though.” I’m unsure why I’m being so forthcoming. I could have kept that to myself. My cheeks flush from the embarrassment. “I mean, I can’t go in the shower at home and with no bath, I just have to wash at the sink every day.” I waffle. STOP TALKING! I shake my head, grateful that he can’t see how embarrassed I am.

  We turn off too early to be going back to the bar, I look at Danny quizzically. “Where are we going?”

  “I thought you would want to show Max your new cast.” He smiles. “Besides, I don’t have to be back until six.” He swings into Max’s drive and switches off the engine.

  He helps me out of the car and hands me my crutches. “Thanks.”

  “Max?” He calls out as we enter the hall.

  “Yeah. How did it go?” He calls back. “Did she flip when…” He trails off as we walk through into the kitchen.

  I narrow my eyes at him as he clamps his hand over his mouth.

  “No ‘she’ didn’t flip!” I quip. “But ‘she’ isn’t a child and wouldn’t mind being kept in the loop.”

  Danny chuckles as he switches the kettle on. I perch on a barstool and chat to Max about the trip to the hospital while Danny makes tea and potters around Max’s kitchen. He seems at home here. Max really likes him. While we chat, Danny disappears.

  Five minutes later he’s back with a big grin. He holds out his hand for me and I take it. It’s just becoming second nature again and my mind puts up no resistance to automatically placing my hand in his. I look at him for answers but he just leads me towards the back of the house, where he’s staying in the downstairs guest room. I follow willingly until we reach the door, then I baulk at the suggestion that we are ‘there’ yet.

  “Don’t worry,” Danny says, laughing. “It’s not THAT!”

  He leads me in and closes the door. I’m frowning.

  “What am I doing here?” I ask.

  He walks towards the bathroom and waits for me to look through the door.

  Annoyed, I hop over and peer in. He has run me a bath. A big, steaming bubble bath! The bathroom is warm and humid and smells fantastic. I smile.

  “Now the only problem is that someone has to help you in. Do you want me to get Max?”

  I take a minute to figure out what he’s saying. Oh, someone will have to see me naked! I get it. Yeah, maybe he’d better get Max.

  I’m just about to say this, when my mouth betrays me. “No, you can do it.” My tone is slightly reluctant, but I don’t actually feel that reluctant. God, I feel like my body, mind, mouth and heart are all working for themselves. I need to get my shit together.

  “If you don’t mind that is,” I add. Maybe he doesn’t want to.

  “I don’t mind,” he says softly and I can see in his eyes, he has no ulterior motive.

  He leaves me for a moment to get undressed and when he goes I start to panic. Is this a good idea? I feel disgusting. Do I want him to see my body? There is no time for second thoughts when he gently taps on the door a few minutes later. I’m sitting on the edge of the big bath wrapped in a towel and he comes confidently towards me and scoops me up in his strong arms. I put my arm around his shoulders and grip tightly. He puts his hand under my cast and supports me while I stand on my good foot in the warm water. I slip my towel off and ease myself into the water as he gently places my leg onto a folded towel resting on the edge of the bath.

  “Don’t splash it,” he warns as he wraps another towel around it to protect it from flying droplets.

  The bubbles protect what is left of my modesty and I instantly relax as I lay back.

  “Oh my God. Thank you.” I groan with pleasure as I let myself go.

  “Anytime.” I can hear the smile in his voice even though my eyes are closed. “I’ll leave you.”

  I open my eyes and look at him. “Stay...Talk to me.” I know I’m dropping my guard.

  “Okay.” He sits on the floor with his back leaning against the cabinet.

  I sigh into the bubbles, who else would really do this for me? I feel very cherished.

  “So two weeks in that cast?” he asks to break the silence.

  “Yes, then back again for more prodding and poking.” I grumble.

  “I’d no idea they could put so many screws in a human being!” He’s referring to the x-ray he saw. He looked pained when he saw it, like he felt it for me and I know it’s because he loves me.

  “Well, I never do anything by halves.”

  “Are you okay?” he asks, concern etched on his face.

  “Yes, this is lovely thanks.”

  “No, I mean in general.” He sighs. “You’ve been through a lot recently…most of it my fault.”

  “Danny, this isn’t your fault, it was an accident.” I know I’ve felt like blaming him, but it could have happened anyway and I don’t want him feeling responsible.

  A silence stretches out between us.

  “Do you have any shampoo?” I ask.

  “Sure.” He smiles and sits forward to open the cabinet behind him. “There are all kinds in here.” He starts rummaging. “Here!” he says triumphantly as he pulls out my brand of shampoo and conditioner.

  “Max likes to keep all of his guests happy.” I giggle, secretly pleased he knew which was my favourite.

  I try to sit forward and reach the shower head, but with one leg out of the bath it isn’t easy.

  “Would you let me do it for you?” He asks cautiously, kneeling beside me.

  I look up to him and smile. I nod my head slowly, knowing I’m allowing an intimacy that I shouldn’t be ready for, but it’s too appealing to say no.

  Danny sets to work adjusting the water temperature before he wets my hair. I grasp the handles either side of the bath to keep me sitting up and tip my head back. Danny tentatively smoothes my hair down with his hand under the jet of water. Then he turns it off and pours some shampoo into his hand. As his fingers begin to massage my scalp, I can’t help the contented sigh that escapes me. It fe
els so good to be close to him again, I can feel my resolve weakening.

  Danny rinses out the shampoo gently. “One more?” he asks.

  “Mmmm. Please.”

  He dutifully does another shampoo and then once the conditioner is in he sits back and wipes his hands on a towel. I love that he knows I will want to leave the conditioner in for a while and I smile a little to myself.

  “So you bought a car?” I say, for no particular reason. I don’t know what else we can talk about.

  “Yeah. I need to get around you know.” He seems defensive.

  “I know, but that’s a big deal. A new car.” I hesitate. Should I ask him if he plans to stay?

  He speaks before I have to decide. “I’ve looked at them before, in LA. But I never really justified it to myself. I just thought, what the hell.”

  “It’s nice,” I say, bottling out of asking.

  “Thanks. When I saw it, I knew you would like it.” He seems a little shy.

  I’m flattered that I was even a consideration in choosing his car, but it also feels like a lot of pressure on me to take him back. Silence again…I want to ask him where he will live if he is staying, but I can’t, because I know he wants to live with me and I can’t promise him that. I don’t want to know his plans almost as much as I do, it’s infuriating.

  “Shall I rinse your hair?” he asks, sensing a need for a change of subject.

  After he has finished rinsing it he gently wraps it up in a towel. “Do you want to get out now?” he asks.

  “I think I should before I turn into a prune.” I laugh.

  Danny gets another towel ready, thank goodness for Max and his ridiculously over-dressed guest suite. It’s like a five-star hotel.

  “Now, when you stand up, it’s really important that we keep this towel round your leg to stop all the water running into your cast.. So I’ll hold it okay?”

  “Okay.” I’m amused by his efficiency.

  He hands me the towel I will wrap around myself and wraps one arm around my back, under my arm and the other supports my leg and keeps the towel tightly wrapped around it. Just before he lifts me out of the bubbles, he says, “I’ll close my eyes.” He swiftly whips me out of the water and places me on the mat on my good foot, keeping his eyes closed while I cover myself.