Bullets Will Work: A Vampire Slayer Novel

by Geoffrey C Porter

  "Turn the heat down a little," I said. "I'll take that slice. Cook another one for yourself."

  He scooped up the ham and set it on my plate. I found a knife and cut the meat into bite-sized pieces. Nathan had a second slice in the frying pan, and he was flipping it every thirty seconds or so.

  "You have to time it on each side," she said. "You don't want to flip it like that; you want to sear it."

  "I am timing it!"

  "Whatever."

  "She's right," I said. "You want to get a good sear on each side. Give it maybe ninety seconds to a side before you flip it."

  "I just want it hot," he said. "I don't want it black like yours. I don't want to burn it."

  "Mine isn't burned."

  "It's a little burned," Erin said.

  I said, "I like it just like this."

  Erin poured herself a bowl of cereal, and Nathan ate his ham and eggs.

  "Did you guys study your driver's manuals last night?" I asked.

  Nathan said, "Yes."

  "Erin?" I asked.

  She said, "I didn't study it exactly."

  "If we're going shopping today, we have to get there somehow."

  "Make Nathan drive."

  "You both need to learn it."

  "I'll pay attention. Nathan can go first."

  "When the masters first said we should play with steel, she said, 'Nathan can go first.' When they took us to the range and gave us nine millimeters, she said, 'Nathan can go first.'" Nathan took three bites of ham stacked in layers all at once.

  I said, "Could be a trend developing."

  "If you want me to drive, I will," Erin said.

  Nathan said, "I'll drive. I want to drive."

  "Erin, have you looked on the internet and found a mall?" I asked. "I wouldn't know where to find one that has department stores."

  "No. But I will right now. Will you boys do the dishes since I made the eggs?"

  "Load your plate and bowl into the dishwasher. We'll get the pans and stuff."

  Erin loaded her dishes, punched Nathan on the arm from out of nowhere, and dodged backward with her guard up and a wide grin on her face.

  Nathan said, "This isn't a fun game you play!"

  Erin shrugged and went, "Eh."

  I said, "Hit her back."

  "You hit her back," he said. "I've hit her back before."

  "Go and find a mall, Erin. Nathan, do you want to load the dishwasher or clean off the pans and wipe down the stove?"

  Nathan said, "Dishwasher."

  Erin ran off.

  Once we finished the kitchen, I poured soap in the dishwasher and turned it on. Erin returned carrying a piece of paper. I said, "Map?"

  She nodded. "Do you know where I-675 and North Fairfield Road is?"

  "No."

  "Well, there's a mall there."

  She held the paper out to me, and I grabbed it. I looked at it. I could find it. Folding the map, it went in my pocket. I looked at Nathan and Erin: both had blue jeans on and t-shirts. I said, "If we're going out, we're going out in full gear."

  "You mean if I don't put my gear on then I don't have to go shopping?" Nathan asked.

  "We have to go out together," I said. "Buy a laptop."

  We geared up in armor, weapons, and ski masks. When we reached the van, I held the keys out to Nathan, and he snatched them like a poisonous snake.

  Nathan started out hard on the brakes, but he stayed in his lanes and took his time making turns. I had to tell him to slow down a few times. He took to it like a native hunting in the woods.

  It became obvious when we reached the mall area: chain restaurants, department stores of every variety, and the mall itself. Erin pointed at a Kohl's. "There, that one first!"

  Nathan asked, "Do they sell laptops?"

  "Maybe."

  I sighed. Nathan and Erin in perfect unison said, "Boss?"

  I said, "It's against the rules."

  "We're in a nice neighborhood," he said.

  "You mean split up don't you?" She said. "I'm all for it."

  Nathan pulled the van to the front of the Kohl's and stopped.

  Erin said, "One hour? Two hours?"

  "Two hours?" Nathan asked.

  I said, "How long do you want?"

  "I haven't been in Kohl's in years. I couldn't even guess."

  "Pick a time. Remember we have to go to the grocery store, and we have to be home well before dark."

  "One hour!"

  She opened the door and made to slide out of the van when Nathan reached over with his foot and kicked her on the ass out the door. She shouted, "You bastard!"

  I laughed.

  She slammed the door closed and ran into the store. Nathan checked his mirrors, spun the wheel hard to the right, and did a quick u-turn.

  Nathan drove to an electronics store and parked. We walked around until a salesperson approached us. He said, "Can I help you?"

  Nathan said, "I want a laptop."

  The salesman rubbed his palms together. "Do you always wear ski masks when you shop for laptops?"

  I said, "It's all the rage."

  Nathan found a machine he liked with a widescreen display, wireless anywhere internet, and a multi-core processor.

  We made it back to the Kohl's, and Erin waited outside with a number of good sized shopping bags. Nathan and I didn't move to help her carry any of it, and she loaded everything in the back of the van. I said, "Where to next?"

  "I'm done for now," she said. "I'm going to do some scouting on the internet then decide where I want to go and try things on."

  Nathan said, "We have to do this again?"

  "Yes!"

  Chapter 30

  Grocery shopping turned out as expected. Nathan bought an assortment of meats especially beef and pork products. Erin piled stacks of tuna fish in her cart, along with rice, breakfast cereal, and granola. I worried about everything else from milk and eggs to bread and bagels. As we were going through the fruit section, Dawn and her adopted brother walked into the store and made eye contact with me. I smiled and waved.

  Dawn glared at me, said something I couldn't hear to her brother, and walked towards me briskly. Her brother stayed glued to his spot by the door.

  The closer she got to me, she formed her hand into a spear pointing the index finger at me. "You knew, and you gave him 400 bucks!"

  "What are you talking about?" I asked.

  "You gave him money for dope!"

  "You gave him valium!"

  Her eyes went wide in anger, and she hissed the words, "Valium has been tested on humans! Countless studies have been done on Valium."

  "People have been smoking pot for a long time, Dawn."

  "Who knows what the criminals who produced the crop did to it? Did they use pesticides or herbicides? Because even a small amount of some pesticides burn into a fatal neural toxin."

  I said, "Oh."

  "You know how many studies have been done on the harmful effects on the reproductive organs of animals treated with the chemicals you get from burning pesticides or herbicides?"

  I said, "No."

  "Dozens."

  She looked like she wanted to hit me.

  Erin broke the silence quite simply, "What's going on?"

  Dawn turned her gaze on Erin. "Your fearless leader is into buying dope for people."

  "He what?" Nathan asked.

  "I had to have pizza!" I howled.

  Dawn turned her gaze back on me. "He's been dealing it. I caught him with scales. Not only did you finance his getting high, but you also started him on his way to being a career criminal."

  I said the wrong thing. Knew before I said it that it was the wrong thing. I said it anyway. "You knew, too. You knew what he wanted the money for, and you practically brokered the deal."

  Fire almost shot out of Dawn's eyes, and she howled, "Brokered the deal!"

  Dawn started breathing in and out like it was all she could do to stop herself from hitting me in the face. Her brother stare
d at his feet in the doorway.

  Nathan said, "You know, boss, we're late for lunch."

  I said, "We are. Aren't we?"

  "It's nearly noon," Erin said. "Nathan must be starved."

  "I'm starting to get rather hungry now that you mention it," he said.

  "Grab some fruit while we're here," I said.

  Dawn closed her eyes and walked back to her brother. She had a cute butt. I noticed it as she stormed away. She grabbed her brother by the ear and led him out of the store.

  Once we loaded the groceries into the van, I looked at Nathan and said, "Give the keys to Erin."

  Erin said, "Hell no. Next time I'll drive."

  Nathan said, "Chicken."

  "Remember that time I broke your nose?"

  "Yes!"

  "Want me to do it again?" She asked.

  "No."

  "We're just going back to the warehouse," I said. "You don't want to drive, Erin. You don't have to drive."

  We climbed in the van, and Erin looked at me. "Who was that woman?"

  I let out a little whimper and imagined Dawn naked, only her breasts were pumpkins. "She's the team doctor."

  Nathan said, "She's good looking for a doctor."

  "Oh, and I'm sure you have such high standards with your vast experience in the field," she said.

  "You sold her brother drugs?"

  "No!" I exclaimed.

  Erin said, "That's what that woman tried to imply."

  "I bought a pizza. That's it."

  "How much did this pizza cost?"

  "Four hundred bucks."

  Nathan said, "What did it have on it?"

  I began to drool as I thought back to the delicious pizza from Valhalla. "One quarter was gyros, one quarter was all veggies, one quarter was pepperoni and sausage, and one quarter was a four cheese blend."

  Erin said, "That sounds good."

  "Can you get another one?" Nathan asked. "I've never had gyros pizza."

  "The gyros quarter is my favorite," I said.

  "Why did she think you gave her brother drugs?" Erin asked.

  "The brother delivered the pizza and apparently spent the proceeds on drugs."

  "So, you did buy somebody drugs?"

  I shouted, "I was eating MREs and gummi bears!"

  "I wonder what the church will think if they found out," Nathan said. "Sidney, when will we meet with Father Titus next?"

  "Surely the team goes to church on Sundays," Erin said. "That'll be an opportunity to talk with the good father."

  "You know, he gave me his card when we first met. I think I still have it. It had both his phone number and email address on it."

  "You could feasibly reach him before Sunday then."

  "The two of you are trying to start some sort of game with me," I said. "It won't work!"

  Erin said, "For starters…"

  "It was always hinted that some slayer teams don't go to church on Sundays. We want to sleep in," Nathan said.

  Erin said, "Sleep in on Saturdays too."

  "We need to start slaying soon, what's holding up the show?"

  I started to say something when Erin said, "I don't want to drive."

  I said, "You have to learn to drive."

  "No."

  "Two things are holding up our slaying efforts. One, I'm waiting on a grenade launcher. Two, we can't take one vehicle. We have to drive separately in three separate vehicles. Sooner or later we're going to get hit by a rocket attack in broad daylight, and I don't want to lose everybody at once."

  "They aren't ever going to hit us with a rocket. Where would they get a rocket?" Erin asked.

  "I don't care where they get it. I have faith in the vampires that they'll get one."

  Erin crossed her arms. "Fine."

  Nathan said, "When will we have vehicles?"

  "I ordered them yesterday," I said. "They should be here soon."

  "What did you order?"

  "I don't know."

  "How can you not know what kind of vehicles you ordered?"

  "I called a Dodge dealership," I said. "They'll likely be Dodges, happy?"

  Nathan asked, "What kind of Dodge?"

  "I asked for black ones."

  "So, we get to sleep in on Saturdays and Sundays," Erin said. "We'll start slaying when the vehicles get here. You're not going to forget to get us credit cards. You're going to get us some of that gyros pizza. Have I missed anything, Nathan?"

  "We need a vending machine for snacks," Nathan said.

  "No vending machine," I said. "We just went to the store."

  "He loves vending machines," she said. "I don't get it. I think he thinks he's playing slots or something."

  Nathan said, "When are we going back to the store?"

  "Whenever you want," I said. "Tomorrow, if you want."

  "We just went to the store," Erin said. "There's no way I'm getting in full gear, so Nathan can stock up on junk food."

  Nathan said, "Eh, it was worth a try."

  "I don't know about getting more pizza," I said.

  "You'll make it happen," she said with one clenched fist, "if you know what's good for you."

  "We couldn't get pizza delivered," Nathan said. "Maybe once every six months, we got cold pizza from a real pizza shop."

  I said, "Were you eating MREs?"

  Nathan said, "No."

  "What difference does that make?" Erin asked. "Get us a pizza!"

  I said, "I'll try."

  Chapter 31

  For dinner, Erin insisted on cooking. She made boxed mac&cheese and mixed tuna fish and croutons in with it. She made frozen peas and canned corn, too. Nathan sighed when he saw his plate. I just nodded and took mine. We all sat quietly and ate. Once his plate was clean, Nathan said, "I want a hamburger."

  Erin said, "You had plenty to eat."

  "There was no meat!"

  "I put two cans of tuna fish in the macaroni and cheese!"

  "Tuna fish isn't meat!"

  "There's a grill on the roof," I said. "There should be hamburger in the fridge. I'm going to have some fruit."

  Nathan looked at me with wide eyes.

  Erin said, "He'll burn it to a crisp."

  "Nathan, look, it's easy, time each side like with the ham, give it five to seven minutes on each side," I said. "Press down on the burger if it feels soft it's not done yet, or if red juice is coming out of it, it's not done. If the juice runs clear, it's done."

  Nathan said, "Show me."

  Erin said, "I'll load the dishwasher."

  I showed Nathan how cook a burger. As he was eating, he said, "I could have done it without your help."

  "I'm sure."

  "I just didn't want to burn anything."

  I went to my room and called my buddy agent nine.

  "Hi, Sidney."

  I said, "I need credit cards for my slayers."

  "Don't give them money, Sidney. Make them work for it."

  "We've got plenty of money there's no reason not to give them some."

  "A few hundred bucks maybe."

  "I was thinking of more."

  There was a pause. Then my buddy said, "Use your bank's website."

  "They need driver's licenses, and they can't show their faces."

  "That can be arranged. They'll have licenses from the diplomatic bureau. I'll mail them."

  "Has my grenade launcher shipped?"

  "Of course."

  "Thank you."

  The phone clicked off. I went to the bank website and created two new checking accounts with $100,000 deposits to them. The site promised Visa cards in the mail.

  The next morning was Saturday, and I had the kitchen to myself for breakfast. I cooked up a batch of ham, eggs, and cheese. After I loaded the dishwasher, our helicopter thumped in the distance.

  Nathan and Erin met me downstairs with looks like, "What?"

  I said, "Get your masks on. That's our mail."

  Nathan and Erin ran off. I met soldiers at the door. They brought a large
black case. Then they went back to the helicopter and came back arms laden with boxes marked like ammo boxes.

  Taped to the top of the case was a user's manual. Nathan and Erin returned with ski masks on. The soldiers and helicopter left.

  I started with the ammo box and opened it. It indeed contained the largest bullets that I had ever seen. I picked one up to feel its weight and smiled.

  I opened the case and inside rested the strangest looking gun I'd ever seen. It was clearly a gun. It had three magazines in the case. Erin said, "You ordered a grenade launcher?"

  "We have to breach the outer door somehow," I said.

  "Where's mine?" Nathan asked.

  "We only need to take out one door at a time."

  "We're going to take out one door, and all three go through the same door?" Erin asked. "And you think that'll be safer?"

  "It'll definitely be better than planting explosives."

  "I was looking forward to planting explosives," Nathan said.

  "I have bad dreams about my friends and brothers-in-arms with their faces blown off and body torn to bits. Do you want to have bad dreams?" Bad dreams about blasted pumpkins, too, but I kept that to myself.

  "You don't think we have bad dreams?" Erin asked.

  Nathan's eyes narrowed into tiny beads. "Shut up."

  "Huh?" I said.

  Erin said, "Nothing."

  "When will the vehicles get here?" Nathan asked.

  "Soon," I said. "We need to go driving today, Erin."

  "It's Saturday!" She howled.

  Nathan said, "Driving is fun."

  I said, "After breakfast."

  "We get to sleep in on Saturdays, and I'm not done sleeping in yet," she said.

  Nathan said, "We could go driving, Sidney."

  "No, we go out together," I said. "After lunch, Erin."

  She nodded. Without another word, she left.

  "I'm going to work out," Nathan said. "Want to join me?"

  We hit the iron for a few hours. I hit the shower while Nathan hit the kitchen. At noon, I knocked on Erin's door. She shouted, "I'm still asleep!"

  I knocked on the door again. The door opened after a moment or so. I stepped inside as Erin curled up on her bed and clutched at her pillow.

  "You have to learn to drive," I said. "It's not going to kill you."

  "People die in car accidents all the time!"

  "Do you want to start slaying?"