Bullets Will Work: A Vampire Slayer Novel

by Geoffrey C Porter

  "Yes. That has nothing to do with me driving."

  "We're each taking our own vehicle. Nathan and I could start without you if you would prefer while you figure out your options."

  "I'll drive if I'm alone. I don't want you guys with me my first time. I want to try it alone. I'm not into getting laughed at and mocked."

  I spread my hands out wide with the palms up. "I would never laugh at you or mock you unless you truly deserve it."

  "That makes me feel a lot better."

  "You want to drive alone; I can accept that. We'll wait for the vehicles to get here, and we'll all go out in a caravan. You can start by following behind Nathan and me then once you're comfortable you can take the lead, and Nathan and I will follow you."

  Erin smiled. "Deal."

  The trucks arrived Monday. One of the drivers dropping them off approached me with a clipboard. "I need some signatures."

  I started signing away. The man said, "The keys are in the ignitions, and the tanks are full. Be sure to read the owner's manual."

  I responded, "Who doesn't?"

  Nathan ran up to me. "They've got Hemi's!"

  "How do you know?"

  "It says Hemi right on the side."

  The look on his face was pure glee. I laughed.

  Driving turned out uneventfully. In the beginning, I couldn't see Erin, and when she was leading us through town, she did fine. She didn't die or anything.

  After dinner, I went to check on my internet, and my satellite phone was beeping. I hit the voicemail button. Two words from agent nine, "Call me."

  So I pressed the speed dial and waited. Agent nine said, "Sidney?"

  I said, "Yeah."

  I heard a click. He said, "I just sent you an email. Is this Lambert?"

  I waited a few moments and checked my email. It contained a photo at a terrible angle, but it was Lambert.

  I said, "What island did he buy?"

  "Is this Lambert?"

  "Tell me what island he bought!"

  "This kid, he showed up to pay for the island, never filed a tax return before, but dropped a check for 19.7 million. Is he the one?"

  "Why aren't you telling me what island he bought?"

  "If this is Lambert, we're sending a squad of Delta boys after him."

  I paused. "You can't send Delta units into combat without an executive order."

  "There are also a few senators who can order strikes. Look, is this Lambert?"

  I sighed. I wanted personal revenge. I wanted to cut him up into little pieces and feed the pieces to wild animals while Lambert still lived and watched. I wanted to make him suffer for days. "Yes, that's Lambert. Send TWO Delta squads: Lambert's a killer."

  "We'll take it under advisement."

  I had a sick and twisted stroke of genius. I growled. "I want his head."

  "What?"

  "Tell them to chop his head off, put it in a bag, tie the bag closed, put the bag in a box, and ship it to me."

  "What will you do with it?"

  "I'll think of something!"

  "Be careful what you ask for, those Delta boys might take you seriously and ship you his head."

  "I want to be taken seriously. I want his head!"

  "Delta boys have been known to do twisted things. I'll pass your request on to their team."

  Chapter 32

  I was standing in front of the mirror shaving the following morning when my stomach started to turn. It started simply by shifting left and right like it was full of fluid. Then it started to twist and turn into a knot like it wanted to expel its contents.

  I had this feeling before with the flu, and I grasped the sides of the sink and heaved. I watched in horror as I puked up a stomach full of blood. Some of it dribbled on my shirt. I took a drink of water and rinsed out the sink. I finished shaving.

  I didn't feel that bad. I stepped into the kitchen, and Erin pointed at my shirt. "There's blood on your shirt."

  I said, "I know."

  "Why is there blood on your shirt?" Nathan asked.

  "I vomited."

  Erin clenched her fists. "You vomited up blood?"

  "Yeah."

  Nathan raised one eyebrow higher than I thought humanly possible. "And you're waiting to call a doctor?"

  I shrugged.

  "When somebody turns into a vampire," Erin said as she took a tiny bite of English muffin more suitable for a mouse, "they go through a number of stages. One of the early stages is vomiting blood."

  Nathan didn't say anything.

  I said, "I'm not turning into a vampire."

  Erin said, "No. Of course not."

  "I'm not!"

  "Call the doctor," Nathan said. "Vomiting up blood is never good."

  I grabbed the phone in the kitchen and dialed Dawn's cell phone. Dawn answered, "Hello."

  "Hi, Dawn. I have a problem."

  "You have a lot of problems, mister."

  "Yes, well, other than the obvious ones, I puked up some blood this morning."

  "How much blood?"

  I asked myself if I should lie. "A lot."

  "Did you save some for me?"

  "No."

  Dawn paused. "Come to the hospital this morning. I'll order lab work; be prepared to provide blood, urine, and stool samples."

  I said, "Understood."

  "You're still taking your Lithium? You haven't gone off it?"

  "Of course, I'm still taking my Lithium; are you nuts?"

  "Just checking, sweetpea," she said.

  I was like, "What?"

  "Oh! Freudian slip! Freudian slip! Goodbye."

  The phone clicked off.

  I laughed.

  Nathan said, "So?"

  I nodded at them. "After breakfast, we're going to the hospital."

  Erin said, "Good!"

  We went directly to the emergency room, and they told me I was an idiot, and that I should go to the lab directly. They took the blood. I provided a urine and stool sample. I was putting my armor back on when a lab attendant walked up to me, held up a paper cup, and said, "Just one more."

  I said, "What?"

  In a hushed tone, the lab attendant said, "We need a semen sample."

  "Oh, I don't think so."

  "Dawn's orders, chop chop."

  "I won't do it," I said.

  The lab attendant smiled and laughed. "I was just fucking with you anyhow."

  "Great, I could be really sick, and the lab guy at the hospital is telling jokes."

  The lab attendant tossed the paper cup in the trash. "This way if you die, you'll die laughing."

  "The joke isn't that good."

  "Yes, but it's the one they give us to use on slayers. You'd be surprised at how many of them grab for that paper cup."

  I shook my head. I thought seriously of punching him in the jaw once just to get his reaction. The attendant promised me results within hours. The three of us returned to the warehouse to wait.

  Nathan and Erin wanted to see our computer interfaces to the aerial flybys and satellite imagery. After showing them the computer stuff, I showed them the lockbox containing the passwords to everything.

  We ate sandwiches for lunch, and the phone rang. Nathan snatched it up and said, "Hello?"

  He held the phone out to me. I grabbed it. "Hello?"

  "Sidney?"

  "Yeah."

  "Your tests all come back fine, except for one thing. The venom, Sidney, it's still coursing through your veins. Granted it's a minute amount, but it's still there."

  I said, "Ok. What does that mean?"

  "Like I even have a clue. It might mean you're still turning. It might mean you're slowly dying. I don't know."

  "You're going to fix it, though; aren't you, Dawn? That's what doctors do: they fix things."

  "A diuretic or combination of diuretics might help flush the toxin out of your body. There are natural, herbal, and medicinal diuretics. We might want to try a combination of dietary changes and medicine."

  "It's so
encouraging to hear you use the word might with your recommendation."

  "What do you expect? I can't even find a research study on this anti-venom."

  "What about the anti-venom?" I asked. "Could I take more of it?"

  "Do you have any more? The lab destroyed what we had after their analysis."

  "If I could get you a research study? If I could get more of the anti-venom? Should I take the anti-venom?"

  "Yes, that's worth a shot," she said. "In the meantime, research diuretic foods and pick out the ones you like, drink lots of coffee, and pick up your medicine at the pharmacy."

  "I get to drink lots of coffee?"

  "All the coffee you want."

  Nathan whispered, "Get us our pizza."

  Erin said, "Yeah!"

  "Dawn, my slayers have threatened me that I have to get them one of your brother's pizzas," I said.

  "Threatened you with what?" She asked.

  "That's not important. I need another pizza."

  "No, I'd like to know. What did they threaten you with? I'm prepared to double it."

  "They said they'd tell the church about my deal with your brother."

  "I think telling the church would be a good place to start," Dawn said.

  "Please, just tell me the name of the place where he works. We'll just pick the pizza up."

  "They won't serve slayers. You can't wear body armor and ski masks to pick up a pizza from there the other customers will think you're robbing the place."

  "You're making that up!"

  "I want more moonshine, eight jars, brought to the pharmacy in trade for the pizza place's name and in trade for your diuretics."

  "Eight jars?"

  "You heard me, pretty boy."

  "Did you just call me pretty boy?"

  "Oops, another Freudian slip."

  I couldn't help but wonder if she hadn't already been in the moonshine or Valium that day. I said, "I'll bring the moonshine. I have to wonder what you intend to do with it."

  "I'm going to sit down with a few friends, and we're going to get drunk, Sidney. We're not going to use it as fuel to light charcoal."

  "I'll drop it off tomorrow."

  The phone clicked off.

  Erin said, "We're getting pizza?"

  I smiled.

  Nathan said, "Well?"

  "Not only are we getting pizza, but we're getting the name and location of the pizza place," I said. "So we'll be able to go get pizza anytime we want."

  Nathan said, "Nice."

  Erin said, "Yeah, good work, bossman."

  I went to my room and dialed agent nine. After our customary hellos, I said, "I need more of the anti-venom."

  "I don't think we have any. The only lot manufactured was distributed to a select few locations on a secret list. We don't even have the list anymore."

  "You have to find some or make some," I said. "And fast. The venom is still in my blood."

  "What do you mean the venom is still in your blood?"

  "The doctor tested me and found venom in my blood."

  "I'll call around and see if anybody still has any anti-venom," he said.

  "Have there ever been any studies done on the anti-venom?"

  "I'm not going to lie to you, Sidney."

  "That doesn't answer my question either."

  Agent nine paused for a long time. "There were two long-term studies done."

  I said, "My doctor needs them."

  "I don't think he wants these studies."

  "It's a she, and she specifically requested them."

  "I don't think it's a good idea."

  "I'm going to start jabbing you with a sharp stick until you give me a straight answer."

  "The outcome of the studies were rather bleak, to say the least."

  Chapter 33

  Agent nine promised to send the studies to Dawn, and I proceeded to worry.

  The next morning I printed some maps of potential nests, and we set out in a caravan of SUVs with me leading the way. The houses reminded me of all the others, derelict and boarded up. The thermal imagery was clear, though: vampires came and went to these houses at night with no human activity during the day.

  We were sitting around eating a simple little lunch. Nathan and Erin were both grinning like nitrous addicts with a brand new tank of juice.

  "We could hit one today," Erin said. "Plenty of daylight left."

  Nathan said, "Aye, she makes a good point."

  "We have to do cleanup afterward," I said. "And we don't want to be doing that at dusk."

  Erin said, "But…"

  "No buts, tomorrow. You've waited this long, and you can wait another day."

  "Come on, Nathan. Let's practice."

  "No. I've seen that look in your eye before," he said.

  "Wimp!"

  "Spar with Sidney!"

  "Sidney's old; I might hurt him."

  I said, "Hey!"

  Nathan said, "Oh, but hurting me is ok?"

  "When was the last time I hurt you?" Erin asked.

  "You mean the most recent event, or did you want a list?"

  "It's not like I've broken any bones…"

  "You broke my arm two years ago!"

  "Ancient history," she said.

  "You broke one of my fingers six months ago," he said.

  "Just a finger. And that was an accident."

  "So you're saying when you broke my arm it wasn't an accident?"

  "The church cleared me of any wrongdoing, and you know it!"

  "Relax, guys," I said. "You'll get a chance to see some action tomorrow."

  I slept well that night. I got the impression they didn't because I woke up early, and I could smell coffee. This would be the first time I woke up to the smell of coffee since Ben made a batch. We left the lair at dawn in our caravan. We parked about a half block from the house we were hitting, and I unloaded the grenade launcher from the back of the SUV. I stood in the street behind a car eyeing the house.

  Nathan and Erin were crouched down low behind the same car I stood behind. I lined up the front door of the house with the crosshairs of my grenade launcher. I said, "Fire in the hole!"

  I squeezed the trigger and whomp! The door shattered into a million pieces. I looked down to Nathan and Erin, and they were already off heading into the house. I slung the grenade launcher over my shoulder and raced after them.

  Nathan squeezed off rounds in pairs, likely one shot to the chest and one to the head just like Ben used to. Some small arms fire rocked in return but not in pairs. I stepped into the house and started counting bodies. Here and there, arms had been detached. I counted five dead vampires in the main room.

  Nathan and Erin headed towards the basement, and I paused at the base of the stairs up. I looked at my Glock. Then I took the stairs two at a time. When I hit the top, I looked right, and a gunshot rocked on my left. A bullet hit the back of my helmet, and I turned and started blasting.

  As I gunned one down, another ran into the hallway at me with a baseball bat. I shot him, too. Gunshots echoed behind me, but no bullets impacted my armor. I spun around and plugged a vampire holding an assault rifle. I went through the top floor, and it was empty of vampires.

  I met up with Nathan and Erin on the main floor. Erin said, "We got the basement."

  I said, "I got the upstairs."

  Nathan said, "They look so human."

  "That's what Simon said."

  I called the authorities, and the cleanup went smoothly. I noticed a bit of a chill in the air as we were leaving as if winter were slowly creeping up on us.

  We waited three days and then hit another nest with similar results. Our helicopter arrived, and the soldiers brought one lone box inside. It was taped closed with layers upon layers of black tape. There was a note attached to the top.

  The note read, "This cost the lives of three good men."

  I grabbed a knife and cut the tape on the box. Inside the box was a round black plastic trash bag tied closed. I lifted it out of the
box and set it on the counter.

  Erin said, "What is that?"

  "You'll see," I said.

  I took the knife and cut the top of the bag open. Then I reached inside and felt hair. I grabbed it and lifted. Lambert's dead eyes stared back at me.

  Erin said, "Gross!"

  Nathan said, "Dude, that's somebody's head."

  "This is Lambert, the rat," I said.

  "What on earth are you going to do with a human head?" Erin asked.

  "Bowling?"

  Nathan said, "You're sick. Get rid of it."

  "It's mine!"

  Erin said, "Get rid of it!"

  I grabbed the head and put it back in its plastic bag. I held it close and went downstairs to our little workshop.

  I found a pipe about four feet long and started to work it. I took one end of the pipe and hammered it down to a point. Grabbing the hammer and the head, I went outside to the parking lot. I found a nice spot by our gate and hammered the pipe into the ground.

  Then I took the head and hammered it onto the pipe. Some kind of brain or something oozed down the pipe, but I was in too much of a maniac state to even care.

  When I returned to the building, both Nathan and Erin were standing there with their arms crossed staring at me.

  Erin said, "There's something wrong with you."

  Nathan said, "You can't just leave a head by our gate."

  "Both of you are wrong!" I screamed

  "I'm calling Father Titus," Erin said.

  Nathan said, "I'll go with you."

  "Call whomever you want!" I yelled after them.

  They wandered off, and I checked the status of Lambert's head: it still sat on top of the metal pipe. I went to my room thinking I could take a peaceful nap. I felt truly at rest for the first time in weeks.

  A knocking rapped on my door. I said, "Enter."

  Erin stepped inside with a phone in one hand. "Father Titus wants to talk to you."

  I took the phone. "Hello?"

  "My son."

  "Hello, Father."

  "They tell me you mounted a human head outside the warehouse."

  "Yes, Lambert's head," I said.

  "You can't keep trophies, my son. You must properly bury Lambert's head."

  "Manuel, Lambert, and Ben told me that if I killed myself, they'd do horrible things to my body. I see killing Manuel and Ben as worse than killing myself, so I feel completely justified mounting Lambert on a pipe for anybody who passes by to see."