Hopelessly Devoted to You

by Jill Steeples

  Finn, obviously, oblivious to her and the surroundings, was at the centre of the picture rapidly filling her head. He looked every inch the man she’d spent the last ten years with only different. His features had lost their sharp definition, his skin was pale, offering an almost ethereal look, and the beginnings of a shadowy stubble crept over his distinctive jawline. For someone so vital and dynamic, the complete absence of his core essence was eerie and unsettling. His body was there, but his spirit was missing in action. She wanted to grab his arm and shake him awake. To tell him to stop playing silly buggers. To see his eyes ping open, but she knew it wasn’t going to happen. Instead she lifted up his hand, her fingers caressing his strong wide knuckles, her thumb making small circular motions on the back of his tanned hand.

  ‘Hi, Finn. I wonder if you can hear me. The doctors said we should talk to you so I’m hoping that you might. Did you know, your hearing is the last of the senses to go? One of the nurses told me that. I bet you already knew that though. That’s one of the things I’ve always loved about you, Finn. That you know everything. Or at least you seem to. All those things I had no clue about you were able to put me straight on. I liked that.

  ‘Not that I think you’re going anywhere, obviously.’ She laughed aloud nervously. ‘We’re all just waiting for you to wake up and I’m being my usual impatient self and wanting you to do it now. Right this minute now. Go on.’

  She clicked her fingers before letting out a heavy sigh, staring at his resolutely closed eyelids. His long thick dark eyelashes, which Ruby had always felt so envious of, fanned onto his cheek.

  ‘No. Well, don’t take too long about it, Finn. I want you back here with me so we can talk. We didn’t really get to talk last night, did we? And I wish we had. I want to explain to you why I dump…decided to end our relationship. I felt terrible when you asked me if I’d ever loved you. It seemed as though I’d never cared for you, which isn’t the case at all. I adored you. I adore you still, you know that. We had so many good times together and you became my very best friend, but I suppose I’ve always felt…I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but I’ve always felt that I wasn’t quite enough for you. And I’m not sure why I’ve felt like that because I know you’ve only ever shown me complete love and affection. I know this is a cliché and you would probably have laughed in my face if I’d told you, but I honestly believe this is more about me and the way I’m feeling rather than having anything to do with you, Finn.

  ‘You have to admit I’ve always been hanging onto your coat-tails a bit. I didn’t mind being “the wind beneath your wings” but I wonder if you haven’t sometimes got a bit fed up of me, always being there, hanging onto your every word like an adoring puppy. I know you’ve never said anything to that effect, but I did wonder if there might not come a time when you would tire of my constant presence. Whether I might hold you back from reaching those amazing heights you’re destined to reach. I’m sure people must look at us and think “wow, how did those two ever get together?” I mean, I sometimes think it myself. How did we ever get together in the first place? I just don’t know. You were always so driven, ambitious and focused and I…well, I wasn’t. You could have had the pick of any one of the girls from my school, but you chose me instead. I was the envy of all my friends, suddenly I’d become valid in their eyes, but I must admit I was as bemused as they were by your interest in me. I sort of went along for the ride, not thinking it would last the week out let alone that we’d still be together ten years later. And I think that’s probably characterised our relationship. I’ve been swept along on that wave. I’m not saying it hasn’t been fun—it has! We’ve had some amazing times together but as ridiculous as it may sound I’ve not felt as though I made a conscious decision to be part of this relationship.’

  Ruby sighed and ran her hands through her hair. She edged forward on her chair, her hand feeling for the outline of Finn’s body beneath the sheet.

  ‘Does that make any sense whatsoever to you, Finn? Probably not. It doesn’t make much sense to me either. It’s just that I feel as though I’m not living my own life. How can I explain? It feels like I’m living my life solely as Finn’s girlfriend and soon to be Finn’s wife and that whole thing, that role as your other half, seems to have subsumed me completely. It’s left me almost gasping for breath, wanting to break free, and that means inevitably breaking free from you, yes, but more than that it’s a need to get away from the whole situation. I have to do this. To reconnect with myself somehow and work out what it is I actually want from my life. Of course I’m worried. Worried that I’m doing the wrong thing, that I might be on the brink of making the biggest mistake of my life.’

  She stroked the length of his arm lovingly, scanning his face for any sign, however tiny, that he might be hearing her words, understanding her meaning, but there was nothing.

  ‘Oh, hell,’ she cried, squeezing his hand even tighter. ‘What am I talking about? I’ve already done it, haven’t I? Last night now seems like the biggest mistake of my life. This wasn’t what I wanted, not at all, and now the thought of losing you from my life for ever is absolutely destroying me. I couldn’t bear it, Finn. You’re my friend and whatever else happens between us, I hope we’ll always be able to remain friends. So you see, Finn, you have to wake up. You simply have to. For me, for you, for everyone’s sake. Most importantly, you have to do it for your mum and dad. You are their life and if anything was to happen to you then I’m not sure how…’ Her words trailed away on a sigh.

  ‘And think of all your friends and all your colleagues at the firm. You’re a partner now, Finn! Remember? It’s what you’ve always wanted. You can’t not get better because the people of London need you to fight on their behalf against all the injustices of this world. Yes! What will happen to them if you’re not around to take up their causes?’

  Ruby let go of Finn’s hand gently and stood up. She arched her back and stretched her arms above her head before wandering over to the little window that overlooked a service bay at the back of the hospital. She peered outside and her heart sank even lower. It wasn’t a cheering view and the grey April morning only added to her sense of desolation and hopelessness. Would there ever be a life for her and Finn outside the confines of the depressing hospital room, she wondered, or had their lives been irrevocably changed for ever? She turned to look at Finn lying helplessly on the bed and felt a surge of longing and regret. Whatever her personal feelings for Finn, whatever had happened between them, she realised she needed to be strong for him. She couldn’t afford to be pessimistic or negative about Finn’s chances. If she didn’t believe in him and his ability to overcome this setback then what chance did he have? In her place she knew he would have remained resolutely positive. To the end. She rushed back to his side, grabbing hold of his hand again.

  ‘It is going to be all right, you know that, don’t you, Finn?’ She coughed, trying to clear her throat of the wobble threatening to overcome her. ‘Everything will work out in the end, I’m sure.’ She took a deep breath getting her emotions in check. ‘You’ll get better and you’ll go back to work and everything will be as it was. Well, almost everything. Because things change, obviously. Life moves on, but what I’m trying to say is that things will get back to some sort of normality. This is just a blip. Well, quite a big blip actually, but we will get over it together.

  ‘Do you know, your mum and dad don’t know yet about you being made a partner? Can you imagine how made up they’re going to be? I’ll tell them when I get the chance. Obviously at the moment the most important thing is getting you well again and that’s what’s occupying all of our minds. I won’t tell them about us, what happened the other night. It doesn’t seem relevant now. I’m not being deliberately evasive but I can’t see it achieving anything. Can you? Not for the moment at least. I want to see you through this, Finn. Get you well again. What is important is your recovery and that’s all you need to concentrate on. Will you do that for me, Finn?’

  She
squeezed his hand tight, bending down to leave a gentle fleeting kiss on his cheek.

  ‘Don’t worry about anything. Your job, your flat, me or the wedding. It will all still be here when you wake up. Let your parents and me sort all that stuff out for now and once you’re better that’s when we can make plans…’

  Her voice trailed away. She knew instinctively there would be no going back for her and Finn. He dealt in absolutes. And the fact that she’d played her cards now, told Finn in no uncertain terms that she didn’t love him and had never loved him, would have left Finn in no doubt as to his future with Ruby. There could be none. She’d known by the hard look in his eyes, the resolute set to his jaw, as he’d ruminated over what she’d told him, that the bond between them had been well and truly shattered.

  Maybe they could stay friends, she thought, as a surge of desperation filled her chest, threatening to stifle her breathing. She ran her fingers along the length of his arm. Now it seemed more important to her than ever that she didn’t lose Finn from her life.

  ‘Look, Finn,’ she pleaded, bending over his bed to whisper in his ear, sounding as desperate as she felt. ‘Just wake up, will you? I promise, we can work everything out. Please don’t leave me. Not now. Not like this. Just wake up. Would you do that for me, please, Finn?’

  Chapter Six

  Despite her pleadings, her pacts with the devil, her prayers to God and her requests to the Cosmos, Finn stayed resolutely obstinate and showed no signs of waking up. Apart from one awful night a week after the accident when she received a frantic phone call from his parents saying she needed to get to the hospital immediately because…well, just because…they’d tell her when she got there, there’d been no activity whatsoever. Thankfully the panicked phone call had been a false alarm and the sudden dip in Finn’s condition had righted itself to its previously stable condition, which wasn’t great, but it was stable. And with all the other terrifying scenarios out there, ‘stable’ seemed a pretty good compromise to Ruby.

  Over the following days and then weeks, Ruby spent every spare moment, when she wasn’t working shifts at the restaurant, at Finn’s bedside. She had two freelance assignments she’d been working on at the time of the accident that she quickly finished off and returned to the clients with a hastily scribbled note. She made a decision not to take on any more jobs for the time being, not wanting to commit to something, not knowing if she might need to rush to Finn’s side at any given moment. Besides she didn’t think she could concentrate on anything for more than a nanosecond as her mind was preoccupied with all thoughts of Finn.

  Instead, she sweet-talked Hugo, her boss at the restaurant, into giving her as many shifts as he had available. She would wake up in the morning and either dash to the hospital or get ready to go into work and when she was finished at the one place she would dash off to the other. It was all she could cope with, but she liked the fact that she didn’t have lots of empty hours in the day and she relished the familiarity of the restaurant where, when she walked through the door, Hugo would greet her with a welcoming hug, before she donned her pinny and got to work knowing she would be rushed off her feet for a couple of hours. Hours in which she didn’t have time to dwell on Finn lying helplessly in hospital.

  Hugo was an old school friend of Finn’s and Ruby’s favourite of all his friends. They clicked from their first meeting and although Hugo and Finn had since grown apart, preoccupied as they were with their respective work commitments, Ruby had become closer to Hugo having worked for him on and off for the last few years. Over the last couple of weeks he’d been a complete sweetheart, telling Ruby that if she needed to go to the hospital, even if it was in the middle of a shift, then she needed to up and go and not to worry about letting anyone down.

  ‘Are you all right, darling?’ Hugo asked as they literally bumped into one another through a swing door into the kitchen. His hand on her arm brought her up short, his touch reminding her that her emotions were raw beneath the surface, just waiting to erupt.

  ‘Yes, fine.’ Ruby laughed and ran a hand through her hair. She took advantage of the moment to take a breath, fanning her hand in front of her face, knowing her cheeks were flushed from the heat of the kitchen.

  ‘How’s Finn doing today? Any news?’

  ‘The same as when you last went in at the weekend. No change. Every day I think this might be the day for some news, but it never seems to happen.’

  Hugo gave a rueful shrug.

  ‘It will do. One of these days. You’ll see. Look, Ruby, are you sure you really want to be here? Don’t worry about staying if you want to get off. We can manage without you.’

  ‘Thanks, Hugo, but I’ll be going to the hospital later. Besides I need the money. I have to pay the rent somehow.’

  ‘Well, you should have said. I can let you have some money. And you don’t need to worry about paying me back. Honestly, I’d like to help.’

  ‘Oh, Hugo, that’s so lovely of you, but it’s not just about that. I like coming here. Seeing you. It’s always so busy. It takes me out of myself, gives me some kind of normality.’

  ‘Okay, if you’re sure, but promise me, if you need anything, any time, then just call me. Last thing at night, first thing in the morning, it doesn’t matter when.’

  He grabbed hold of her hand and squeezed it tight in a show of support and she had to bite on her lip to stop the tears from forming in her eyes.

  ‘Thanks, Hugo,’ she called over her shoulder as she moved out of his way to put the dirty crockery she’d been holding onto the side. ‘I appreciate it.’

  Most of the time she could hold her emotions in check, but dealing with other people’s sympathy and support was tough. Hugo, in particular, had been a complete star, but she’d been overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and offers of help from all of their friends and family. Instead of feeling comforted from the huge swell of support though, she felt unsettled and disarmed, knowing she wasn’t really deserving of their sympathy.

  Later on during the same shift, she was just taking a dessert order from table number ten when she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket against her leg. Every phone call, every text, every single vibration, and there had been a lot of them because the world and his wife were on a mission to call her at what seemed like thirty-second intervals, sent a frisson of fear running around her body, her immediate thought being that this would be the one, the call telling her the news she most feared in the world.

  Impatience ran through her body as the middle-aged woman who had been deliberating over the Banoffee pie and the chocolate fudge brownie for what seemed like the last fifteen minutes showed no signs of making up her mind. Ruby fidgeted from foot to foot trying to elicit some sort of decision from the woman, but when none was forthcoming she knew she’d have to go. She couldn’t hang around here for another lifetime just in case this woman ever made up her mind.

  ‘Back in a minute,’ she said, turning away and dashing around the tables, dodging the other waiting staff, into the safety of the kitchen. She pulled out her phone, her heart sinking at the sight.

  Three missed calls from Gerry. Two texts.

  ‘Can you call me ASAP?’ and then, ‘Get here quickly!’

  She yanked off her apron over her head and walked straight into Hugo.

  ‘Oh, there you are. I was just coming to find you. You need to get to the hospital. Right away. Gerry called. He said it’s urgent. I said you’d be there in ten minutes.’

  ‘Oh, God! He didn’t say what’s happened?’

  ‘No. To be honest it all sounded a bit frantic there. Just go, Ruby.’ He pulled her tight, giving her a quick hug. ‘Call me when you have some news, yes?’

  ‘Yes.’ Ruby nodded, feeling her legs wobble beneath her. She knew Finn was still very ill. The doctors had warned them about that, but the longer Finn had lain there, his condition unchanging, the more she’d been able to convince herself that everything would be fine. On some undisclosed date in the future. Now something had hap
pened and she couldn’t bear to think what that might be. He couldn’t die. Not now. Not after he’d come so far. It wouldn’t be fair.

  She dashed out of the front door of the restaurant and ran along the high street, across four busy road junctions and up Queensberry Road as though she were in training for the London Marathon. Her breath came in short, sharp bursts, her body not realising that it was completely ill prepared for any form of exercise, let alone a sprint along the unforgiving London streets. When she reached the hospital fifteen minutes later she collapsed against a wall for support, bending double over her body, her hands resting on her thighs, gasping for air. She needed a moment or two.

  ‘Are you all right, love?’ A porter wandered up pushing an empty wheelchair. He indicated for her to climb in, which brought a smile to her face in her incapacitated state.

  ‘No,’ she gasped, fanning her hands in front of her face trying not to expire in front of the poor man. ‘I’m fine. Not ill. I’ve been running,’ she explained. ‘I’ve come to visit my boyfriend.’

  ‘Oh, okay, love, if you’re sure. It’s just you looked a bit…you know.’ Ruby nodded. She knew exactly. She could feel her hair wet against her head, her cheeks red with exertion. ‘Do you know where you’re going?’

  ‘Yes, thank you,’ she said, feeling touched by the man’s kindness. Tears pricked at her eyes and she blinked them away. ‘The fourth floor. I ought to go.’ With supreme effort she pushed herself away from the wall and staggered over to the lift. Maybe she should have got a taxi after all or taken up Hugo’s offer to arrange a lift for her, but she hadn’t wanted to get stuck in traffic. For some stupid, ridiculous reason she’d thought she’d get here quicker by running. Her power of reasoning had done a hike these last few weeks.

  She only hoped to God she wasn’t too late. Please, Finn, she begged silently, while the other occupants of the lift did their best to avoid eye contact with the bedraggled mess in the corner, please hang on. Just wait until I get there, Finn, she pleaded. Just a couple more moments.