Hopelessly Devoted to You

by Jill Steeples

  ‘Finn?’

  ‘No more surprises, I promise, but this is definitely an afternoon for celebration. And if we’re celebrating don’t you think we really ought to christen this boat? What do you reckon, Ruby?’

  With his fingers finding the sensitive nub of her nipple through the cotton fabric of her T-shirt, she didn’t even need to open her mouth to answer that.

  Chapter Twenty

  The next day Finn insisted on going with Ruby to clear out her flat.

  ‘It will take us half the time if I come with you. We’ll have it done in a few hours.’

  ‘If you’re sure,’ said Ruby, really rather preferring to do it on her own. She wasn’t sure about taking Finn back to the flat where the accident had happened. It made her shudder every time she walked up those stairs, the memories of the fall imprinted on her mind. She wondered if the image of Finn’s body lifeless on the ground would ever leave her, but that was something she knew she just had to deal with. Maybe once she moved away from here the memories would fade. She told herself it was worse for her because it was all still so fresh in her mind. At least Finn had no recollection of the event so couldn’t be troubled by it.

  Finn made a visit to the tip, taking half a dozen black bags full of rubbish, while Ruby boxed up the last of her personal possessions. They’d already done one trip in the van from Ruby’s flat to Finn’s taking the larger pieces of furniture that Ruby wanted to keep: a bedside table that had belonged to her mum, her old comfy tartan armchair, a chest of drawers and a pine blanket chest. The armchair had already been seconded to the boat and Finn’s flat would house the other pieces for the time being.

  With her flat now free of all the big items, Ruby got to work blitzing the empty rooms clean. She hoovered, dusted corners that hadn’t seen the light of day for years, bleached the kitchen and bathroom, and wiped down every available surface until they were gleaming in a way they hadn’t gleamed in a long time. With each wipe of the cloth she knew she was removing all traces of her personality from the home where she’d made so many happy memories. And it had all been happy memories before ‘that one night’ had gone and tarnished her feelings for the place. Still, she was sure in time she would be left with just the reminders of those happy times: nights spent with Laura huddled together on the sofa, drinking wine, eating chocolate, crying and laughing together as they watched back-to-back episodes of Gossip Girl or The Vampire Diaries; long lazy weekends spent with Finn, again spent mainly on the sofa or on the bed, only leaving the flat for a walk in the park or to grab a takeaway; lovely evenings spent alone listening to the hum of the London traffic from below and the sound of the rain lashing on the balcony outside. A part of her life that was behind her now.

  She wandered over to the window to take one last glance of the view spreading out over the city. She picked up her drawing pad and a pencil from the last remaining pile of her belongings on the floor and quickly sketched the landscape, committing the familiar scene to paper for one last time. It had always amazed her how the same view could look so different depending on the time of day, the weather, the flow of traffic. Today, with the cloud low over the city, it looked haunting and sad, matching her mood.

  ‘Are we all done?’

  Finn was back, interrupting her musing.

  ‘Yes, it’s just this stuff here to go,’ she said, pointing to the pile on the floor. She picked it up, mainly paperwork she needed to deal with when she got to Finn’s, pens, an earring she’d recovered from the back of the sofa and an odd assortment of hair ties. She placed them in a large jute bag and hung it over her arm.

  ‘Hey,’ said Finn, noticing the moistening of her eyes. ‘Don’t look so sad.’ He came over and slipped his arms around her waist. ‘I know it’s the end of an era, but it’s the beginning of a new one too. That’s how you have to look at it.’

  ‘Yes, I know. I was just thinking about all the happy times I’ve had here. I’ll miss it.’ She looked up into Finn’s deep blue eyes finding safety and security there. ‘I know you shouldn’t look to the past, but…’

  ‘Come on, you,’ said Finn, with a smile. ‘There’s no use hanging around here getting melancholic. Empty houses always feel sad.’

  ‘You go ahead,’ Ruby told Finn. ‘I’ll just do a last-minute check of all the cupboards. I’ll see you down at the van.’

  ‘Don’t be long, then.’

  She needed a moment alone with her memories before she walked away from this place for ever.

  As he left she checked her handbag for her phone and iPad. She’d had them earlier, but hadn’t seen them recently. She rummaged through the shopping bag, but they weren’t in there either. Mild panic flittered around her chest.

  ‘Finn!’ she called after him, rushing out to the hallway to catch him.

  He was standing at the top of the stairs, one hand holding onto the banister, when he turned to look at her. Ruby’s stomach lurched to the bottom of her stomach and almost went tumbling down the stairs in the same way as Finn had done that night. It was as if that whole scene was about to replay in front of her. As if she could reach out in time and stop that whole accident from ever happening. She looked at his foot, half expecting it to slip away, for his legs to crumple beneath him, to be reminded of the sickening sound he made as his body hit the steps.

  ‘Be careful!’ she cried, unable to stop herself.

  Their eyes locked together and Finn faltered, his expression shifting as though the significance of the moment slowly registered in his mind. He looked down and she didn’t know whether he swayed or if she just imagined it. He turned to look at her again, his eyes full of mistrust and confusion.

  ‘What?’

  ‘I just thought…’ Now she felt ridiculous, overprotective and panicky. And Finn was looking at her as though he were seeing her for the first time. ‘Sorry, it was just seeing you standing there, it made me think…’

  And now she was reminding him of something he had no recollection of and certainly didn’t need bringing up now.

  ‘Just ignore me,’ she said, feeling a heat sweep up her face. ‘This whole moving thing, I think it’s got to me. You know, it’s probably a good thing I’m leaving this place after all.’

  ‘What was it you wanted, Ruby?’

  ‘Oh!’ Why was he looking at her like that? As if he despised her. If she didn’t know better she could imagine that he’d remembered the details of that night, but surely she was just being paranoid. He couldn’t possibly. ‘My phone and iPad? Have you seen them?’

  ‘Yep, they’re in the van.’

  ‘Oh, great. I was panicking there for a moment. I couldn’t remember where I’d put them.’ She rattled on, panicked now not about her phone, but about Finn and the very marked shift in his demeanour. ‘Is everything all right, Finn? You seem a bit…’ Her voice trailed away.

  ‘Everything’s fine. I’ll see you downstairs.’

  Her heart beat ever louder as she watched him go, the sound of his shoes tapping down the stairs horribly unsettling. That same sense of urgency that had filled her veins the night of the accident when she’d thought he was walking out of her life for good rushed around her body again now. She was filled with a desire to rush after him, to tell him not to go, to hug him tight to her chest, to tell him that she loved him and that she would always love him. She couldn’t lose him, not now.

  ‘Finn, you will wait for me, won’t you?’ she said, hearing the desperation in her words.

  He didn’t reply. He just kept on walking. A stab of pain hit her in the chest. She wondered if she hadn’t already lost him.

  ***

  On the journey home, Finn barely spoke two words. His hands were clutched tight on the steering wheel, his focus intent on the road ahead of him.

  ‘Finn, tell me what’s the matter.’

  ‘Why would there be anything the matter?’ He turned to look at her briefly, before returning his attention to driving.

  She noticed the small downturn of his lips and
saw the weariness in his eyes, and that was when realisation dawned. She chided herself for her insensitivity. She was being childish, thinking only of herself.

  ‘Are you tired, Finn?’

  He nodded.

  ‘Shattered.’

  Of course he was! Finn’s energy levels were a lot lower than they used to be, but it was easy to forget that when his enthusiasm and can-do attitude was still so prevalent. It was all too easy to believe that he was every inch the man he was before the accident, but he wasn’t and that simple fact continued to catch her out.

  She sank back into the passenger seat, her whole body slumping in relief. Sighing inwardly, she realised what a huge toll the last few months had taken on her. She needed a break. No wonder everything was catching up with her. She’d been working two jobs, planning a wedding, moving home, looking after a dog and a recuperating boyfriend, on top of making some huge life decisions. Her stress levels were through the roof. Of course, she was wrung out.

  Finn hadn’t suddenly remembered everything that had happened that night. Thankfully. She was just projecting her own fears onto him.

  Clearing out her flat had been a much more emotionally draining business than she’d imagined. Seeing the flat empty of all her belongings, knowing that part of her life was over, affected her in a way she couldn’t have anticipated and then seeing Finn hesitating at the top of the stairs, looking as though he was about to fall again, it was a nightmare scenario. At least now she wouldn’t be faced with those reminders.

  Back at Finn’s place, they unloaded the crates from the van and Ruby set to work, finding homes for her belongings.

  ‘Why don’t you go and have a sleep, Finn? I can do all this. I’ll bring you a cup of tea in an hour or so. What do you reckon?’

  ‘No, I need to go out for a while actually.’

  ‘Out? Out where?’

  ‘Just down to the boat. I’ll take Roxie with me. She needs a walk. Don’t worry about doing dinner for me. I can pick up a snack later.’

  ‘Oh, okay. I’ll come with you. I can take some of these bits and pieces down. I thought all my spotty crockery will fit really nicely on those oak shelves in the galley.’

  ‘Actually, Ruby, I want to go on my own. If you don’t mind,’ he added.

  ‘Oh!’

  She did mind; she minded quite a lot actually. All she wanted to do was spend time with Finn to ease the feeling of increasing anxiety advancing around her body, but she could tell by the tone of Finn’s voice it was non-negotiable.

  ‘Okay, if you’re sure. I’ve got plenty to be getting on with here,’ she said brightly. ‘You are all right though, Finn, aren’t you? You would tell me if there was something the matter?’

  ‘Nope, there’s nothing the matter,’ he said, and she tried to recall again when it was he last told her he loved her.

  ‘I love you,’ she called.

  ‘Great,’ he said, not stopping to look behind him.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Finn was out for about four hours in which time Ruby convinced herself that the game was over. It had to be! What other reason could there be for Finn acting so oddly? It had been ever since that moment when Finn had turned to look at her at the top of the stairs, déjà vu, their eyes locking together in mutual recognition and understanding.

  She’d wanted to believe that Finn couldn’t possibly have suddenly remembered the events of that fateful evening, but something deep down inside her told her otherwise. She couldn’t kid herself any longer. Finn knew the truth now concerning the accident, she felt sure, and that meant she was up shit creek without a paddle.

  What he was doing now though, she didn’t know. Brooding probably. Trying to work out how his supposedly devoted fiancée could have treated him so badly and lied to him for so long about her true feelings. He was just probably getting the facts straight in his mind before he came home to tell her he was the one who didn’t want to get married now.

  Oh, God. It was such a terrifying thought. She tried to retrieve her heart from the pit of her stomach, but it was refusing to move.

  She hoped he’d hadn’t done anything stupid like trashed the boat or thrown himself into the canal or disappeared into the sunset with only his rucksack thrown over his shoulder and Roxie at his side. No, she wouldn’t allow her mind to go down the terrifying scenarios route. She’d done that once before and exhausted all those eventualities; besides, Finn wouldn’t act so unpredictably.

  ‘Yes, he would!’ she said aloud. That was exactly what he’d do. He was Mr Unpredictable Himself these days and she had no way of knowing what he would be thinking right now and how he would react.

  She took a deep breath. She needed to get this into perspective. This was just another problem for them to overcome. Admittedly a fairly sizeable problem, but if they could only just sit down and talk this through then they’d be able to find a way through this. Wouldn’t they? She closed her eyes, wanting to shut it all out, wishing she could return to another place in time, that wonderful moment when Finn had told her he’d bought the boat. When everything had seemed so perfect and certain in their lives.

  ‘Ruby!’

  She must have nodded off. At the same time as she heard her name called, she was greeted by a slobbery kiss all over her face. Her eyes peeled open. Sadly, it wasn’t Finn, but Roxie who was jumping on her lap, wagging her tail furiously, as though she had something important to tell her. She wondered if she wasn't warning her of bad news to come.

  ‘Ooh, sorry, I must have fallen asleep. It was a long and tiring day, wasn’t it? What have you been up to? I was worried about you.’

  ‘What’s this crap you’re listening to?’ asked Finn, ignoring her questions and switching off her music. ‘I don’t know how you can sleep through that racket.’

  She pushed herself up on the sofa, mild annoyance simmering beneath the surface.

  ‘It’s James Blunt, if you must know, and it’s not crap actually. It’s actually really, really good. He’s sold millions of copies of records and won awards and everything. And he’s a very nice man too. I had it playing on the boat the other day and you said then that you liked it.’

  ‘Did I? Well, I think I must have been very mistaken. Besides, I remember now, Ruby, I really don’t like James Blunt. You like James Blunt. I don’t. That’s where we differ.’ He had one hand fisted at his waist, throwing her a challenging gaze. ‘I remember, Ruby.’

  ‘Yes, well, it’s hardly very important, is it?’ she said, wide awake now. ‘Go right ahead and turn it off. I can always indulge my love for James Blunt when I’m alone with my painting. Personally, it’s something I’d prefer not to share with you anyway. You’ve always had terrible taste in music,’ she said, trying to elicit a smile.

  ‘I remember, Ruby,’ he repeated, watching her reaction.

  ‘You do?’ she said, her voice coming out in a whisper.

  ‘Yes, Ruby.’ She didn’t like the way he was emphasising her name, as if he were trying it out for size for the first time and deciding he didn’t much care for it.

  ‘Well, that’s good,’ she said, dragging up her voice from the bottom of her shoes. It was someone’s voice at least, although it didn’t sound a lot like hers. ‘Now at least you can make the decision to never have to listen to him again.’

  ‘That wasn’t what I meant.’

  ‘No?’

  ‘No, Ruby.’ He paused, looking at her intently. ‘I remember.’ He said the words slowly and purposefully so she wouldn’t miss his meaning. ‘I remember what happened that night. Every single part of it.’

  ‘You do?’ Her voice came out as a squeak.

  ‘Yes. Especially the part when you told me that you didn’t love me. That you’d never loved me. That you were dumping me.’

  ‘Oh, God.’ A lightning shot of pain flashed down the centre of her body. Good job she was sitting down or else she would have fallen down. She buried her head in her hands, not wanting to look at him. Beneath her hands, she could
feel her face stinging with shame as tears brimmed in her eyes. Think. Breathe. Think again.

  ‘What happened, Ruby? Did you somehow suffer memory loss at the same time as me? What, did you think you’d come out in sympathy with me? Was that it?’

  She wiped her eyes with her hands and looked up at Finn, not knowing the first thing to say.

  ‘I am so sorry.’

  ‘Yeah, I bet.’ He shook his head, chewing on the side of his lip, before sitting down on the sofa keeping a noticeable distance from her. ‘Is it coming back to you now? What happened that night? Or do you want me to fill you in on the detail?’

  ‘Finn, don’t be like that. You can’t honestly think I wanted any of that to happen. It was awful, just horrible. When you fell down the stairs like that everything else stopped. It didn’t matter what had gone on before, that suddenly became unimportant. All that mattered was making sure you were okay, that you recovered. There were times when we didn’t know if you would come through it. It was terrifying, Finn, absolutely terrifying. That’s all I wanted, what we all wanted, for you to be better again.’

  ‘Well, job done.’ He held his hands up, looking down at his body. ‘Thank you for your concern, but as you can see I’m in perfectly good health now. Now we’ve both rather conveniently rekindled our memories I think we can pick up where we left off a couple of months ago. Where were we? Ah, that’s right, I think I was walking out of your life for ever just as you told me to.’ He gave a rueful shrug. ‘So, as you were, then.’ He gestured towards the door inviting her to leave.

  She crawled along to the other end of the sofa, putting her arms up and around Finn’s neck. He stayed impassive to her touch, looking at her through cold, unforgiving eyes. What had she done? Where was the man that she’d come to know and love in these past few weeks? The outspoken, funny, outrageous man who would never have allowed her to get so close without wanting to run his hands around her body. Now his hands stayed resolutely stuck to his side, his gaze not meeting her own.