Hopelessly Devoted to You

by Jill Steeples

  Roxie snuck in between them, her little nose popping up between their faces, joining them in the one-sided hug, but even her appearance couldn’t bring a smile to Finn’s face.

  ‘Please don’t say that. I’m really sorry that I didn’t say anything, that I didn’t tell you the truth about what happened that night, but there was never the right moment. When you were ill in hospital I was just hoping for you to get better and then when you came home, well, I was worried about you. You’d changed and I wanted to be there for you, to help you through. I wasn’t thinking about the future. We were just taking it one day at a time. Obviously when I realised that you couldn’t remember anything of what happened that night I knew I would have to tell you at some point, but…’

  ‘When was that point going to be, Ruby? Didn’t you think I had a right to know that you didn’t love me? That you didn’t want to marry me? There is the small issue of a huge white wedding looming in a couple of weeks. What were you going to do about that? Send me a text or drop me an email or leave me a note on the kitchen table? Or were you going to leave me hanging at the altar? Do you really hate me that much, Ruby?’

  ‘No! I would never do that.’ She hastily put out of her mind the moment when she’d asked Laura to do it for her. That was only a spur-of-the-moment reaction; she’d never been really serious about getting Laura to do her dirty work for her. ‘I was going to tell you, honestly I was, but then, well, everything changed.’

  Finn lifted his head up, from where he’d been stroking Roxie, to cast his gaze over Ruby’s face.

  ‘You’re not wrong there. Everything has changed.’

  ‘Oh, Finn, but it doesn’t have to. Not now. What I was going to say was the way I felt about you changed and it was totally unexpected. I’ve always loved you as my friend, respected and admired you, but when you came out of hospital and we got to spend so much time together in a way that we hadn’t experienced before, it made me realise just how much you’ve come to mean to me. Amazingly and unexpectedly, I fell in love with you, Finn, and no one was more surprised than me! And when that happened I had no reason to tell you about the night of the accident. You’d forgotten about it and I saw no reason to remind you. Not when we were so happy. I just felt so relieved and excited knowing I was marrying you, Finn.’

  Finn stretched his arms out in front of him, examining the backs of his hands, his expression stony, his mood unaffected by her words.

  ‘You were with me all that time and you never loved me? You were just going through the motions. What kind of person does that?’

  ‘I know it sounds horrible when you say it like that, but that wasn’t how it was. You know it wasn’t. We had some lovely times together, didn’t we? And it wasn’t that I was desperately unhappy or there was something about you that really annoyed or irritated me. I wish there had been. It would have been much easier to walk away from you then. But there was nothing like that. I really enjoyed your company and being with you, but I just had this niggle, this tiny little niggle that wouldn’t go away, that maybe I didn’t love you in the way that I should love the man I was marrying. Laura said it wasn’t fair…’

  ‘Oh, well, that’s just fucking terrific. You’re telling me Laura knew all about this, but you didn’t even have the decency to tell me. Thanks a lot!’

  He jumped off the sofa and started pacing round the room. Roxie followed, looking up at him anxiously. Ruby stayed huddled on the sofa, hugging her anxiety into a cushion.

  ‘Would you not do that? It’s making me seriously nervous,’ said Ruby, who was experiencing a bad bout of déjà vu. That night had been a terrible mistake, she realised that now, and she certainly didn’t need Finn looking at her like that, bringing back the memories in frightening detail, making her feel a hundred times worse than she already felt. She couldn’t change what had happened, however much she might want to. Surely Finn would see that. Once he’d calmed down.

  ‘Yeah, I can just imagine you two in cahoots over all this. It all makes perfect sense now. Why Laura’s always been so arsey with me, why you were always so reluctant to tell me you loved me. I mean, that should have been the biggest signal, shouldn’t it? I must have been stupid not to have realised it sooner.’ He sighed, shaking his head.

  ‘No, Finn, it wasn’t like that, honestly. And Laura isn’t arsey with you. She really likes you. She was the one who said you had a right to know how I was feeling. And she was right about that.’

  Finn walked over to the kitchen and pulled a beer out of the fridge, eased off the top and tipped it back into his mouth.

  ‘Why didn’t you just come right out and tell me? It seems such a waste of both our time and efforts. Being with someone you don’t want to be with. What’s the point in that, Ruby? Life’s too short. I would have been gutted obviously, but I could have dealt with it, you know. I would have had to deal with it.’

  ‘I know, Finn, and I’m sorry.’ He made it sound so simple, so straightforward. Why hadn’t it been?

  ‘The thing is, Finn, I don’t feel like that any more. Spending all this time together has made me realise just how much you’ve come to mean to me. I’m sorry I didn’t feel that way before, but I do now. Isn’t that enough? I love you with all my heart and soul, Finn, and all I want to do is marry you and spend the rest of my life with you.’

  ‘Hmm, is that right? Well, forgive me if I don’t share your enthusiasm for the whole thing right now.’ He turned away and took another glug from his beer bottle before turning to face her. ‘Look, Ruby, maybe we need to take some time out from each other. Think about what it is we’re going to do. I’ll go down to the boat, stay there for a few days.’

  ‘No!’ She jumped up and ran to his side, throwing her arms around his neck. ‘You can’t. I don’t want you to. I don’t need time to think about what we should do, Finn. I know exactly what we should do. I love you. I want to be your wife. Don’t you love me too?’

  He gave a rueful smile.

  ‘This isn’t about how I feel, is it? It’s about you, Ruby. Only a couple of months ago you were telling me you’d never loved me and you didn’t want to marry me and now you’re saying the opposite. You say I’m a changed man and you’ve fallen in love with the new me, but what happens when I get back to the man I was before the accident? Does that mean you’re going to change your mind again? Do you really know what it is you want, Ruby?’

  ‘No. I mean yes! Oh, I don’t know,’ she sighed, exasperated. ‘How can any of us know what’s going to happen in the future? All I know about is the here and now. I’ll say it as many times as I need to. I love you, Finn. I thought we were happy together.’

  ‘I thought so too, but all this, well, I think we just need a bit of time to think about it.’ He wandered into the bedroom and reappeared with a rucksack over his shoulder. ‘I’ll take Roxie with me. She prefers being down on the boat and I could do with company.’

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  ‘Laura!’ Ruby could barely get her friend’s name out before she dissolved into tears at the end of the telephone line.

  She’d spent a fitful night on the sofa, dropping off to sleep intermittently, only to be woken with a start whenever she moved, the discomfort making her remember where she was and why she was there. She hadn’t had the energy to move into the bedroom and was still huddled up on one end of the sofa, a huge Roxie-shaped gap next to her and memories of her conversation with Finn flooding back to torment her. She’d wanted to phone him, to rush down to the boat after him to beg him to forgive her but he’d looked in no mood for conversation, or forgiveness, when he’d walked out of the flat last night.

  She’d needed to talk to someone and had even considered phoning Jan in the early hours of the morning before common sense had prevailed and she’d realised she’d only scare her half to death at that time. Besides, however close she was to Jan, she knew Jan’s loyalties would lie, quite rightly, with Finn. No, there was only one person she could ring. Laura would know exactly what to do.
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br />   ‘Ruby? What’s the matter? What’s happened? Jeez, do you know what time it is?’

  ‘Sorry, I know it’s early, but I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t know who else to call. Oh, God, Laura, something awful’s happened.’

  ‘What?’ Laura’s sleepy voice was suddenly wide awake now.

  ‘It’s Finn. He knows. Just my bloody luck, but his memory has come back and he remembers everything that happened the night of the accident.’

  ‘Everything?’ said Laura, her voice heavy with dread.

  ‘Everything! The fact that I’d dumped him! The fact that I’d told him I didn’t love him. That I’d never loved him. It couldn’t be worse. I must have been stupid to think I could get away with it. You should have seen the way he looked at me, Laura, it was awful. His eyes were full of disappointment. I think he must hate me. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t lose him now, not after everything we’ve been through. We’re supposed to be getting married next week.’

  ‘Blimey.’ There was a pause at the other end of the line and Ruby wondered if Laura wasn’t stifling a yawn. ‘Okay, well, I know this must seem really bad at the moment, but think about it… It’s probably a good thing that everything’s out in the open now. Finn was bound to find out at some time and you didn’t want to live your whole life with that huge secret hanging over your head. That’s no way to start married life, having secrets from each other. Obviously Finn’s shocked at the moment, he’s only just found out about it. I’m sure he’ll come round once he’s had a chance to think about it. He’d be a fool not to want to marry you.’

  Ruby sniffed before blowing her nose noisily into a tissue.

  ‘I’m not sure Finn sees it that way. From the way he looked at me I’m not sure he ever wants to see me again.’

  ‘Oh, I bet he was just hurt. Disappointed that you hadn’t told him sooner.’

  The unspoken words ‘I told you so’ drifted down the line.

  ‘But if what you told me the other day is true,’ Laura went on, ‘that you love Finn and you’re absolutely one hundred per cent confident that this is the man you want to marry, then you need to tell him that. Let him know in no uncertain terms just how much he means to you. Otherwise you’ll end up like me, a sad old singleton, trawling Internet dating sites meeting up with guys you wouldn’t normally give the time of day to. Really, Ruby, you don’t want to be doing that.’

  Ruby gave a wry smile; she couldn’t think of anything worse.

  ‘You’re a lot of things, Laura, but you’re definitely not sad. Besides I thought you were giving up on the dating.’

  ‘Oh, I have now. Definitely. But this guy popped into my inbox, like they do, and he seemed like the perfect match on paper. Trouble was, when I got to meet him he was at least ten years older than he told me and completely bald. Not that I have anything against baldies, you understand, but I like to know what I’m signing up for. In his photo he had a full head of hair.’

  ‘Oh, God, darling, you certainly know how to pick them.’

  ‘I know, that’s why it’s so important that you and Finn sort this out. You can’t break up now, not after everything you’ve been through together. Where is he now? Is he still in bed?’

  ‘No, he left last night, he went off with Roxie. I think they’re staying down at the boat.’

  ‘Oh, my God! The bastard!’ There was a pause as she clearly considered this fact. ‘Hang on a minute, who the hell is Roxie?’

  Ruby giggled.

  ‘The dog. Just the dog.’

  ‘Oh, right, of course. I’d forgotten about the dog.’

  From the other side of the room, Ruby’s phone beeped.

  ‘Oh, God, hang on, I’ve got a text. It might be from Finn. Oh, shit, it is from Finn.’

  ‘What does it say?’

  Ruby opened the message, reading it aloud.

  ‘You need to get down here ASAP. It’s urgent.’

  ‘Oh, God, what can be so urgent at this time of the morning?’

  ‘Well, call me Miss Intuitive, but I guess it’s probably the same reason that you’re talking to me right now.’

  ‘He’s going to dump me, isn’t he? I can feel it in my bones.’

  ‘Well, there’s only one way to find out. Get down there right this minute and sort out this mess between the pair of you. And there’s no way he’s going to dump you. He’s probably going to propose again. That sounds much more like a Finn thing to do.’

  ‘Eek, I do hope so. Wish me luck.’

  ‘Good luck, sweetie. And call me later. Let me know how it goes.’

  ***

  Ruby quickly undressed, throwing aside the clothes she’d been wearing since yesterday. She didn’t bother showering, she just quickly showed the flannel to her smelly bits and found some clean underwear, a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. At this stage she didn’t think Finn would be interested in what she was wearing or if she was the tiniest bit stinky, which she wasn’t as she’d sprayed herself liberally with vanilla body musk. It was hardly a deal breaker. Although there were plenty of other things that would be deal breakers.

  Like her, he’d probably spent the entire night tossing and turning, thinking over how she’d treated him. That was why he was contacting her so early. He’d made up his mind and he wanted her out of his life. No point in hanging around when you had news like that to deliver.

  Oh, God! She hoped not. She pulled the door shut behind her and then ran. Down the stairs slowly—she didn’t want any more accidents of that variety—and then as quickly as possible down the road, through the park and over the bridge to the towpath. She stopped briefly, seeing the boat in the distance, her heart banging hard in her chest from the exertion and from the uncertainty of what was to come next, before she set off again, not stopping until she reached her destination.

  She climbed aboard the boat, the cold nip in the air stinging her cheeks, her whole body buzzing with anticipation.

  ‘Finn!’

  ‘In here,’ came his voice from the cabin.

  She wandered down the wooden steps and saw Finn on his haunches, bent over something on the floor. He turned to look at her and she was struck by how tired he looked, how utterly gorgeous.

  ‘What…?’

  ‘Shh.’ Finn held out a hand to stop her saying any more and that was when she noticed what he was doing down there on the floor.

  ‘Oh, my goodness,’ she whispered. ‘That is so beautiful. When…?’

  She crept closer to see Roxie laid out on an old white bedspread with five tiny white bundles curled into her tummy.

  ‘A couple of hours ago.’

  ‘Oh, Roxie.’ She leant over to look at the dog with her puppies. ‘What a clever girl you are. And we didn’t even know.’

  ‘Explains her behaviour at least.’

  Ruby nodded, feeling so relieved that she hadn’t consigned Roxie to the rescue centre after all, wondering at the same time how they would ever manage to look after puppies with everything else that was going on.

  ‘Are they all okay?’

  ‘They seem fine. All six of them.’

  ‘Six? Really?’ Ruby did a quick recount, pointing out each puppy with a finger. ‘You’re right. I thought there were five.’

  Finn nodded, looking inordinately proud.

  ‘She’s been an absolute star. She seemed to know exactly what to do, which was a good thing as I didn’t have a clue. I just let her get on with it. Thank God it all went to plan.’

  ‘You should have rung me earlier. I could have come and given you some moral support.’

  ‘I was going to, but I didn’t want to wake you. And I didn’t want you walking down here on your own in the dark.’

  ‘Oh.’ So he did still care about her. ‘It wouldn’t have mattered. To be honest, I didn’t get a lot of sleep either.’

  ‘No?’ he said, non-committally. ‘I’ll call the vets when they’re open and get them to come and check Roxie and her pups out, but it looks to me as though they’re going to
be fine.’

  ‘Does that make us proud parents by proxy, do you think?’

  ‘I guess so,’ said Finn, standing up and stretching out his arms to the side. ‘Fancy a cuppa?’

  ‘Yes, please,’ said Ruby, looking at him and feeling a huge surge of love, marred only by the sadness and uncertainty that was hovering in her heart. She couldn’t do this, pretend last night had never happened, act as though nothing had gone on between them. ‘So Roxie has her happy ending, but what about us, Finn? Are we still going to have our happy ending?’

  ‘What?’ He came across and took her face into his hands. ‘Are you serious? I bloody well hope so because we’re getting married in a couple of weeks and Mum will be furious if all her hard work and plans come to nothing. Besides, we’ve got a family to provide for now.’ His face lit up in a smile eradicating the tiredness. There was no evidence of the disappointment she’d seen in his eyes yesterday either.

  ‘Oh, Finn, I thought I’d blown it.’ She threw her arms around his neck. ‘I am so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner about what happened that night. I just didn’t know how to and then when everything changed, when I fell madly, passionately in love with you, there seemed no reason to tell you. I do love you, you know that.’

  That gorgeously seductive, delicious smile spread across his lips.

  ‘I kind of know that. And I love you too, Ruby.’

  The relief she felt on hearing those words was immense.

  ‘I was never not going to marry you, Ruby. You don’t really think I’d let you get away from me now. Besides, looking back I think I was a bit of a twat before the accident. I’m not sure I would have wanted to marry me either.’

  ‘Oh, you are daft, Finn. And you were never a twat. You were always so lovely and kind and loving. The Perfect Boyfriend. I’m just sorry it took me so long to realise it.’

  ‘Hey, you got there in the end though. And that’s all that matters. You’ll just have to keep reminding me of that fact though.’ He raised an eyebrow, prompting her response.